Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.

Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.

You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, surely Johnny Depp isn’t the sexiest man alive. Surely it’s you or – at a push – Robert Pattinson. But not Johnny Depp.” And that’s where you’d be wrong. Firstly, we’ve been ruled ineligible for People’s Sexiest Man Alive title on account of our bizarre face and horrible personality. And secondly, Robert Pattinson isn’t sexy. Yes, he makes people involuntarily wet themselves, but so does diabetes and that’s not especially sexy, is it?

So no. Forget Robert Pattinson. It’s Johnny Depp who’s the sexiest man alive. People magazine said so yesterday, so it must be true. And, yes, we know that People magazine also once said that Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey were also the sexiest men alive, but you have to forgive it for those years – it was going through a lot at work and was probably on some sort of antibiotics that impaired its judgement or something. But that’s all in the past now.

So when People magazine says that Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive, you have to believe it. Especially when it can back up its claims with stone-cold reasoning like this:

From a sexy swashbuckler in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to quirkier roles like Edward Scissorhands, the 46-year-old star has had women swooning since his days as a teen detective on 21 Jump Street. Yet it’s his devotion to his family that really makes the actor so endearing. “I could sit there all day and do nothing but watch them grow,” he’s said of children. “I’m totally inspired by them.”

You see, men? What’s really sexy is being dependable and devoted to your family. And if that describes you, then deep down you’re as sexy as Johnny Depp. True, less people will want to sleep with you because you only wear tatty old clothes that are covered in baby sick and you generally don’t seem very motivated, plus you aren’t able to earn $35 million for dressing up in a silly costume and running around in a funny way, plus you’re flabby and pallid and balding whereas Johnny Depp is none of those things despite being much older than you. But aside from that, you’re just as sexy.

You’re not. You’re nowhere near as sexy as Johnny Depp. In a line-up comprised of you, Johnny Depp and a toilet that’s full of tramp sick, women would always pick you last. All women. Even your own wife. We think that’s what People magazine is getting at, anyway.

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You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he’s a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut.

How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list and – you should sit down for this – Robert Pattinson didn’t win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don’t watch because it’s not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music.

Honestly, this is the most upset we’ve ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.

Ask any woman who they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and there’s a good chance that they’ll roll their eyes and walk away from you, on the grounds that each person’s definition of hotness is essentially unique to the individual, and thus compiling a list of the world’s hottest bachelors is basically an exercise in futility.

However, ask any acne-ravaged 14-year-old girl or creepy middle-aged spinster who they they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and they’ll reply “Robert Pattinson. ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!” before passing out in a giant puddle of urine and tears and exploded fallopian tubes.

Thing is, though, they’re wrong. Robert Pattinson isn’t anything like a hot bachelor. He can’t be. Already this week it’s been revealed that Robert Pattinson isn’t even Britain’s most eligible bachelor, and now People magazine has stuck the knife in even further by not naming him as summer’s hottest bachelor. Instead that title went to Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl, which leads us to believe that People got confused and thought it was making a list of Summer’s Hottest Bachelors With Silly Names That Make Them Sound Like They’re Sinister International Investment Banking Corporations.

Here’s what People said about Chace Crawford. Feel free to do as we did, and shout “LALALALALALA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU” as you read this while repeatedly poking a photo of Chace in the eye with your finger:

Note to anyone interested in the 23-year-old actor, who will next star in the remake of Footloose: learn to be low-maintenance. Says Crawford of his perfect date: “All you need is a pool table, beer, an electric jukebox and good conversation. The day a girl beats me in a game of Beirut [a kind of beer pong] is a good sign!”

Oh shut up you insufferable prick. How dare you be hotter than Robert Patinson! How dare you! Why, we’ve got half a mind to take the genes you were born with and aren’t able to change outside and give them a bloody good kicking.

But still, let’s not get too upset about Robert Pattinson’s inherent failure to be named as a hot bachelor. After all, let’s not forget that this was People’s Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list. Give it a few months and we’re sure the magazine will come good by publishing its Drizzly Sunday Afternoon’s Hottest Bachelor list or its List Of Bachelors So Wan And Ill-Looking That They’d Probably Dissolve And Melt If They Ever Stepped Foot Outside On A Normal Summer’s Day. And, seriously, Robert Pattinson has to win both of those.

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We know. We were staggered as well. The news about Clay Aiken being gay broke after a cover of the next issue of People was leaked to the press, featuring a gay-looking Clay Aiken and the headline ‘Yes, I’m Gay’. Clay Aiken’s blindsiding admission is just the latest shocking scoop that People has scored, following last month’s ‘The Pope: Hey, I’m A Catholic’ and ‘A Bear: Yes, I Just Did A Poo In The Woods Over There.’

It was undoubtedly a very brave thing Clay Aiken to do – to reveal his true sexuality after so many years of hiding it from the public – but he shouldn’t have worried. Because whatever sexuality Clay Aiken happens to be, gay or straight, we still won’t really know who he is. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Wow. We really didn’t see this one coming. Literally nothing about American Idol’s Clay Aiken – not his gentle voice, his polite manners, his army of housewife fans, his stupid hair, his gay teeth – could have ever prepared us for the fact that Clay Aiken is as completely gay as they get.

To be honest that’s because there’s literally nothing about Clay Aiken that suggests he’s ever owned a functioning set of genitals, but that’s beside the point.

The point is – if you hadn’t picked up on it yet – that Clay Aiken is gay. The news will come as a shock to some of Clay’s fans – particularly the ones without eyes, ears, instinct or the power of cognitive reason – especially since Clay Aiken fathered a baby not so long ago and is macho enough to start fights on planes. But tell that to People magazine.

The next cover of People has already been chosen and, because of its earth-shattering importance, leaked to the press. E! Online has the skinny:

“We can confirm that Clay Aiken and his son are featured on the next issue of People” is all the magazine would say in response to questions about its leaked cover, which boasts the pullout quote: “Yes, I’m gay.” “I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things,” he says.

It’s commendable that, after years of what must have been heart-rending anxiety about his private life, Clay Aiken has finally decided to come out on the front cover of a magazine that probably paid him enough money to buy a house to do it. What’s more, there’s something intrinsically commendable about wanting to raise your child in an environment of complete honestly. We assume that it’s only a matter of time before Clay Aiken sits his son on his knee and finally confesses that, in all honestly, his 2004 album Merry Christmas With Love was a fat bag of shit.

Anyway, forget about Clay Aiken for a moment – we want to know how this announcement will affect his female fans. You know, the ones who follow Clay around everywhere he goes. The ones with posters of Clay on their walls. The ones who harbour tiny crushes for him. You know, the stupid ones.

Actually, we’re sure they won’t mind one way or the other. If they love Clay Aiken as much as they say they do, then they should just be thankful that their idol can now stop living a lie and express his sexuality as freely as he likes.

Plus, so long as that hunk Neil Patrick Harris still loves the ladies, they’ve still got a chance. Right girls?

Well, maybe they didn’t actually snub us – maybe we snubbed ourselves. See, the thing is our People magazine photo shoot just kinda imploded in on itself. For one thing nobody with a camera even showed up. For another, once we’d purchased a wind-up disposable we were trying to take all these sexy pictures of ourselves, but our jaw would jut-out, the light kept catching our uni-brow’s five o’clock shadow and for the life of us we just couldn’t get Photoshop to work right.

So they set the crown of ‘Hottest Bachelor’ on Slater instead. Yup – that mag seems to think Mario Lopez is hotter than everyone else in the world, which is a bit unfair because even though they didn’t give the title to us – they’ve never even met our baby brother.

He looks like a Brad Pitt/Blanche from Golden Girls hybrid for crying out loud.

Blanche was supposed to be the hot one, right?

We would really like an inquest into this Mario Lopez-gets-to-be People magazine’s ‘hottest bachelor’ embarrassment. For one thing Zack was far more attractive. For another thing we heard via grapevine that Lopez only looks like that because he gave himself worms to keep thin. This bad behavior is clearly going to be encouraged.

But it’s their magazine, and although we’re really not sure about how they arrived at this conclusion (though it probably had something to do with the light refracting off his sweat just right in his $21.99 workout video that hasn’t helped our gut at all) they’ve announced Mario Lopez as being the ‘Hottest Bachelor’:

“We first met PEOPLE’s Hottest Bachelor when he played good-guy A.C. Slater on Saved by the Bell. He’s since moved on to Dancing with the Stars and is now co-host of Extra’s weekend edition and star of Broadway’s A Chorus Line. Still, Lopez, 34 – here recreating Mark Wahlberg’s famous “Marky Mark” pose – says he wasn’t always so fit: “I was a fat, fat baby. I looked like a sumo wrestler. My mom had to pull the fat folds apart when she bathed me!”"

Well that’s it – now he’s gonna be absolutely impossible to work with. A few years ago when the most impressive thing on his resume was his beach-bike cop show he was insufferable already. The next dancing show he goes on he’ll no doubt insist on doing several awesome back-flips, fox trots with an altered beat and something he only refers to as the funky cosmonaut.

Insufferable we tell you.

To read more see ” Mario: Mr. Torn Torso, Only More So” on E! Online

It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust, the three men went into the room of an unnamed People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine.

Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.

After getting over the initial shock of discovering the packet in your excrement, you’d probably wipe it clean, bake a cake for your mother and spend the next few hours listening to her dull, overly detailed descriptions of her life from birth up until the present, and simply blame the whole dull debacle on the menopause.

But not so Heath, according to the suit, which notes that The Brothers Grimm star had some cocaine of his own.

Munn then left the room, leaving Ledger and Banks alone to inhale the illegal powder into the body via the nose, while he began to secretly film the scene. So not only is Eric Munn a drug pusher, he’s also one hell of a prick. Allegedly.

The suit says:

“Mr. Ledger became aware that he was being videotaped and became very upset. He realized the two men he had been befriending all evening were paparazzi.”

The photographers, who worked for the Splash news agency, insisted the video would be destroyed. It was later sold to “Entertainment Tonight” for $200,000 (£100,000), but was not aired after several powerful industry fat-cat types pressured the programme into submission.

However, a section of the video was briefly aired on two U.S. television shows just days after his death in January and, according to the lawsuit, has been sold to media outlets around the world, generating more than $1 million in revenue that should be forfeited under a California state law that requires paparazzi to disgorge any profits obtained through illegal activity.

The unnamed People magazine reporter is seeking unspecified damages for fraud, intrusion and privacy violations.

It really is a very unspecific situation right here indeed, and so to make you feel better we’d like to offer you a piece of ultra specific information to balance the specifics out: If Eric Munn offers you drugs – just say no.

Read More – Photogs said to give Heath Ledger Drugs: Suit – NY Daily News