Articles tagged with: people magazine
Johnny Depp Is A Million Times Sexier Than You: Official
Oh People magazine, you're such terrible sluts. Don't bother trying to hide it - we can see straight through you. Look at how you're treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That's right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY. You only love Johnny Depp for his money don't you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion - it's his money. We'll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
Oh People magazine, you're such terrible sluts. Don't bother trying to hide it - we can see straight through you. Look at how you're treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That's right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY. You only love Johnny Depp for his money don't you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion - it's his money. We'll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
People Magazine: Robert Pattinson Is An Ugly Old Turdbag (Or Something)
You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he's a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut. How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer's Hottest Bachelor list and - you should sit down for this - Robert Pattinson didn't win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don't watch because it's not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music. Honestly, this is the most upset we've ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.
You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he's a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut. How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer's Hottest Bachelor list and - you should sit down for this - Robert Pattinson didn't win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don't watch because it's not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music. Honestly, this is the most upset we've ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.
Wait A Minute, Clay Aiken Is GAY?!
You might want to sit down for this. Clay Aiken - the gay one from American Idol who everyone thought was gay - is actually gay. We know. We were staggered as well. The news about Clay Aiken being gay broke after a cover of the next issue of People was leaked to the press, featuring a gay-looking Clay Aiken and the headline 'Yes, I'm Gay'. Clay Aiken's blindsiding admission is just the latest shocking scoop that People has scored, following last month's 'The Pope: Hey, I'm A Catholic' and 'A Bear: Yes, I Just Did A Poo In The Woods Over There.' It was undoubtedly a very brave thing Clay Aiken to do - to reveal his true sexuality after so many years of hiding it from the public - but he shouldn't have worried. Because whatever sexuality Clay Aiken happens to be, gay or straight, we still won't really know who he is. And isn't that the most important thing?
You might want to sit down for this. Clay Aiken - the gay one from American Idol who everyone thought was gay - is actually gay. We know. We were staggered as well. The news about Clay Aiken being gay broke after a cover of the next issue of People was leaked to the press, featuring a gay-looking Clay Aiken and the headline 'Yes, I'm Gay'. Clay Aiken's blindsiding admission is just the latest shocking scoop that People has scored, following last month's 'The Pope: Hey, I'm A Catholic' and 'A Bear: Yes, I Just Did A Poo In The Woods Over There.' It was undoubtedly a very brave thing Clay Aiken to do - to reveal his true sexuality after so many years of hiding it from the public - but he shouldn't have worried. Because whatever sexuality Clay Aiken happens to be, gay or straight, we still won't really know who he is. And isn't that the most important thing?
Mario Lopez Is Extremely Attractive, Or So We’re Told
The people behind People magazine have snubbed us - but good. Well, maybe they didn't actually snub us - maybe we snubbed ourselves. See, the thing is our People magazine photo shoot just kinda imploded in on itself. For one thing nobody with a camera even showed up. For another, once we'd purchased a wind-up disposable we were trying to take all these sexy pictures of ourselves, but our jaw would jut-out, the light kept catching our uni-brow's five o'clock shadow and for the life of us we just couldn't get Photoshop to work right. So they set the crown of 'Hottest Bachelor' on Slater instead. Yup - that mag seems to think Mario Lopez is hotter than everyone else in the world, which is a bit unfair because even though they didn't give the title to us - they've never even met our baby brother. He looks like a Brad Pitt/Blanche from Golden Girls hybrid for crying out loud. Blanche was supposed to be the hot one, right?
The people behind People magazine have snubbed us - but good. Well, maybe they didn't actually snub us - maybe we snubbed ourselves. See, the thing is our People magazine photo shoot just kinda imploded in on itself. For one thing nobody with a camera even showed up. For another, once we'd purchased a wind-up disposable we were trying to take all these sexy pictures of ourselves, but our jaw would jut-out, the light kept catching our uni-brow's five o'clock shadow and for the life of us we just couldn't get Photoshop to work right. So they set the crown of 'Hottest Bachelor' on Slater instead. Yup - that mag seems to think Mario Lopez is hotter than everyone else in the world, which is a bit unfair because even though they didn't give the title to us - they've never even met our baby brother. He looks like a Brad Pitt/Blanche from Golden Girls hybrid for crying out loud. Blanche was supposed to be the hot one, right?
Heath Ledger Was Framed?
A lawsuit filed in Los Angeles yesterday by an unidentified freelance reporter from People magazine claims Heath Ledger was plied with cocaine and secretly filmed by a pair of undercover paparazzi. It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust, the three men went into the room of an unnamed People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine. Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.
A lawsuit filed in Los Angeles yesterday by an unidentified freelance reporter from People magazine claims Heath Ledger was plied with cocaine and secretly filmed by a pair of undercover paparazzi. It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust, the three men went into the room of an unnamed People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine. Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.
