Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
It’s been rough for People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” to be taken seriously ever since their epic mistake in 2011 (Fuck you, Cooper).? But last year they started to get their street cred back by giving it to Adam Levine, and this year it’s been awarded to Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth.
Though there are many still ticked off that Ryan Gosling still hasn’t won,? I cannot be mad at People. Have you seen Chris shirtless?? I will gladly?take that hammer for $2000, Alex.
People magazine has announced this year’s winner of the “Biggest Donation From A Publicist” award, otherwise known as the “Sexiest Man Alive.”??
It had been rumored a bit that the winner was Maroon 5 lead singer, Adam Levine.? And it has been announced that it is.? Oh People, you have gotten it so right.? So very, very right.
Except he has a shirt on.? That is wrong.? Very, very wrong.
Angelina Jolie, Octomom and every other woman in Hollywood with children can breathe a sigh of relief. We’re all obsessed with Sandra Bullock’s adopted baby son, Louis Bardo Bullock. Apparently.
At least that’s what we’ve just read in People magazine – so we’re assuming it’s true. After all these years, working long hours and such, we just can’t stomach thinking for ourselves any more. We’re happy to let unpaid teenage underlings at People do our thinking for us.
Beauty, as we all know, is on the inside. If it’s on the inside of a leggy blonde woman, we’ll have to make do.
Christina Applegate is a leggy blonde woman. But that’s not why she’s just been named as number one in People magazine’s Most Beautiful list. Christina Applegate has been named as number one in the Most Beautiful list because she’s beaten cancer. Breast cancer, mind you, not one of those cancers that makes your head all bald and face look all weird. Ugh.
Also in the Most Beautiful list, Zac Efron. He’s such a pretty little girl.
As the only man in history to ever father a child, Ricky Martin is in demand at the moment to explain what it’s like.
Although they were born in the summer, Ricky Martin has decided to show off his baby twins Valentino and Matteo for the first time in People, while describing exactly how spiritual he feels when they smile or cry or poo or whatever.
Ricky Martin is raising the twins alone as a single father, so they obviously won’t be breastfed. Not because Ricky is a man and therefore can’t lactate, but because his nipples are probably already manky and chewed up and stuff.
Kevin Federline interviews are rare – transcribing all the hoots and grunts that form his vocabulary can take hours.
But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!
Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!
Hugh Jackman. Just the name alone is enough to make women scratch their heads, check IMDb, realise who he is and then go weak at the knees.
It must be true, because Hugh Jackman has just been named as People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But wasn’t Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive by People magazine last year?” And the answer is yes. Yes he was. But following Matt Damon’s tragic death before the release of The Dark Knight this year, it’s time to pick a new Sexiest Man Alive. And that man is Hugh Jac… wait, we were thinking of Heath Ledger weren’t we? Whoops.
Anyway, why is Hugh Jackman People’s Sexiest Man Alive? Because he’s got a film out, that’s why. Any other reasons? Probably not, no.
In the ongoing saga of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ‘having some twins’, you would probably think the ridiculous media hysteria couldn’t get much worse.
Well, you’re wrong. Because they’ve finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple’s bundle of gametes – though fortunately there doesn’t seem to be a Bono in sight. That would be too much.
Popping up on Hello! and People over the weekend, the images show… some famous people with their newborn kids. Seriously – what did you expect? Hecklerspray hoped the photos would include explosions, a car chase et al, but those hopes were well and truly dashed on their release. Typical.
In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann.
This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.
Hey girls, did you know you’ll never be as beautiful as Kate Hudson? You didn’t? Well you’re not, so why don’t you just hurl yourself under a lorry or something.
We’re not being cruel here, we’re just stating a fact. People magazine has named its most beautiful people of the year and Kate Hudson has won. You weren’t even in the top ten, you massive uggo.
Don’t get sad, it’s the truth. And you can’t dispute that a massive magazine like People doesn’t know what it’s talking about, because look at the runners-up who came after Kate Hudson – Mary J Blige, Bruce Willis‘ daughter, a woman we’ve never heard of whose name is Beard, the ginger woman who got her minge out in Short Cuts. That’s beauty you just can’t argue with, girls.
