Articles tagged with: Penis
Nicole Kidman has made flops for five years, so now she's going to change that - by making a film about Nicole Kidman's penis. According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener - the world's first male-to-female post-op transsexual - in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman's career, but we're certain that she'll cope with it. Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman's face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we'll be able to know when she's sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she's been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed - she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.
That's it, we're giving up this stupid blogging lark to become nannies at Rob Lowe's house - it sounds brilliant there. Why? Because a new chapter has been opened in the supremely entertaining he said/ she said lawsuits between Rob Lowe and his former nannies. Now a second former nanny has sued the Lowes, but funnily enough Rob Lowe's name doesn't really come up. Instead it's Rob Lowe's wife Sheryl Lowe who's been hit with the brunt of accusations, and they're ones you'll want to read. Assuming, that is, you like hearing about a sexually-curious naked woman describing the size of her childrens' penises and showing Rob Lowe's cockrings to whoever happens to be passing. You do like that, don't you?
Americans know how they like their child-stars - naked and terrified of the malevolent horse-gods they're also sexually aroused by. So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe - who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star - has announced that he's taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September. Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions of voyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright - the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?
After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.
And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen - brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course - to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.
