It’s got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man.

On top of that he’s got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They’re always hiding under kids’ beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age – that’s a lot of sleep he’s skipping.

It’s probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one ‘reincarnated’ Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.

As any secret, predatory, paedophile gang worth a spit will tell you – to thrive in total anonymity you’ve really got to get a famous face to front your organisation. Seriously. That’s probably because when you get found out it’ll make you more relatable (if not down-right likable) to the public. Enter Hugh Hefner, then.

Or don’t, actually. You see, chances really are he’s been too busy promising button-bursting 18-year-olds babies for the past six decades to really have time to assault sexy toddlers in their own nurseries. One lady though – she’s suing him for billions under that very claim. If you think it sounds crazy so far – you ain’t heard nothing yet. This is apparently from a letter/statement the unnamed accuser sent to the Superior Court of California:

“Yes, sir I am asking for 3 billion dollars from Mr. Hefner. He’s been after me since I was a baby. Along with a pedifile organization here in L.A. When I was bout 5 yrs. Old He mysteriously was underneath my bed and he grabbed my arm and said that he and forsay the beatles and he mentioned the names of them. I asked like in my head since I’m a hat everyone in the world here’s my thought’s, a good way to establish peace…”

We know what you’re thinking – Hugh Hefner should be arrested this very minute! But wait – there’s more:

“Hugh has made it with the pedifile organization hard to work, my stuff ens up disappearing and my family that I grew up with there’s so jeoulousits like insanous but Hugh Hefner is the one That was the start of helping the pedifilement Hugh Hefner and the head person’s of the pedifile family…”

We’re not done yet:

“I consider my hat my telepathy from God and I also carry the beautifiliest angel lusefer in me cause I remember being the Goddess Venus see me and odeseyues God of wine and Zeus, in which I have a different perspective on such a God well you know well built, a body like a brick house like a God that rules…”

Well she makes slightly more sense then Kendra, right? Of course she does.

Now sit back and take a breath. Touch the top of your head to make sure it wasn’t just blown off. Still there? Good. If it’s not you should find all the pieces and get them on ice.

We’re still not done with the crazy quotes, you know. That lady babbled on for like three pages in small print. Of course – you probably would too if you thought your story would fill your wallet with a literal three billion dollars of Hefner-dough. Imagine how much therapy that could get this lady? Well with that in mind, we certainly hope this thing makes it all the way to court on a day the judge particularly hates old men with silicone stuck to the roof of their dentures.

If you want to see more crazy lady-ranting you’ll have to download the rest for yourself. Skip on over to TMZ and find the PDF file. Guaranteed to be the weirdest, saddest, bleakest, most dismal, distressing and depressing thing you’ve read all day.

Kinda makes you question this thing called life, doesn’t it?

-Sniff-

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re in a warm bath and apparently we need to find a longer extension cord for our toaster.

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