If Peaches Geldof wasn’t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you’d see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.
With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.
Every time she appears in the news, we don’t get to hear of any great deeds she’s done for charity. Instead, she’s either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she’s just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.
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Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.
It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.
It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.
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So, the worst has happened. You’ve woken up and realised you are Peaches Geldof. Now, the most important thing is not to panic. You are perfectly fine. You do not have to do a thing. You don’t have to dig deep inside yourself and work out where your true talents lie. It’d take too long, and you’d only get disheartened with the lack of results.
Short answer – you emerged from a celebrity uterus, and 22 entirely fatuous years later, here we all are. No, don’t cry. We’ve only just started!
Remember when those nice people from ITV2 turned up with that human hamster with dead eyes called Fern or Bush or something, who kept shouting about how everything was amazing? And you got to talk about being a Scientologist and everyone nodded and smiled and you felt like you were being a really clever sausage? Those nice people are back, and they’ve given you your own show. It’s called OMG. OMG! Hang on! That’s, like, totally what you say! OMG! And in it, you can, like, totally discuss the important and shocking issues of the day and everyone will, like, totally respect you and stuff.
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Political discussions normally crop up late at night when everyone at a party has ran out of booze and needs something to talk about, or your some sort of student pointlessly studying the subject at university.
UK politics inspires to the extent where we want to do nothing more than call anyone involved in a job which, essentially, is nothing but a blame games. Who can lead a successful constituency without a well funded second home and moat full of ducks? Ducks made out of coins probably.
If the economy hasn’t gone belly up, we’re either being told that criminals are getting away with more crimes and the political system becomes more and more elitist due to class and status. Basically, going to a state school will prang your chances of ever running the country. What we need is a refreshing look at the way UK politicians operate. The student protest showed people power does nothing, so what’s our remaining option? Enter our Lady and Saviour, Peaches Geldof.
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Hecklerspray’s science lab technicians have been working long and hard on one of the trickiest questions ever asked by humankind – ‘What is the point of Peaches Geldof?’ As yet, they still haven’t managed an answer.
The closest they have come is to find a whole host of things that Peaches Geldof (who isn’t engaged) would probably do.
The latest is the discovery that Geldof would probably wear a bikini made entirely from raw meat. Don’t you dare tell us that we don’t bring you the hottest and most important stories. Read More >>>
Good news, boys! Even though Peaches Geldof has been marauding around with an engagement ring, she isn’t actually engaged.
She’s still on the market! Hooray! We still have a chance of marrying her ourselves! Because, make no mistake, Peaches Geldof is a catch. What we wouldn’t give for a wife as droning and pointless and bleary and compulsively attention-seeking and thoroughly objectionable and funny-voiced and weird-looking and maddeningly annoying and completely awful as her. She’s a fox, in the sense that she generally looks quite unwashed and a bit feral.
So if Peaches Geldof isn’t engaged, then why does she keep going out with an engagement ring on? We refer you back to the ‘droning and pointless and bleary and compulsively attention-seeking and thoroughly objectionable and funny-voiced and weird-looking and maddeningly annoying and completely awful’ line above. That’s why.
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The trendiest must-have pet to have this year is the micro pig – it boasts all sorts of advantages over the traditional puppy.
Every winter, stark warnings are given to us that a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Now, whilst we don’t condone the abandoning or even killings of puppies, at least the micro pig can be put towards an early morning bacon sandwich once it stops being cute.
So what makes micro pigs so desirable? Well, it turns out they do nothing but look stupidly cute because they’re very small. They’re so teeny, in fact, that stepping on them is a dangerous likelihood. Now one micro pig has gone the extra step and gotten its very own Peaches Geldof to look after. Let’s hope it knows the task it’s taking on.
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Peaches Geldof, the face of a well-known brand of underwear, got caught up in a nude pictures/ heroin/ cult scandal. You know, same old same old. We were pretty sure it would all blow over in a second or two.
Oops, guess we were wrong. Big corporations do have a bothersome tendency to get all riled up over the most mundane of allegations.
None of us folks here do anything harder than beer. However, if one of us had been caught in a nude/ heroin/ cult-type scandal… well… okay, we aren’t famous so no one would care. But we’re sure the powers that be would pat us on the back, tell us we’re awesome, and give us a ruddy nice pay-rise to boot. Sadly for Peaches, when she gets caught doing something wrong the public do find out about it.
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