You have to like the sound of your own voice if you work in radio. It’s the nature of the job isn’t it? However, some DJs like the sound of their own voices so much that you can convince yourself that they don’t play a single record during a broadcast, preferring instead, to endlessly dribble on about themselves into the mic, later to pass it off with a mixture of faux self deprecation and gakky self confidence.

Of course, we’re talking about the gruesome twosome that is Chris Evans and Chris Moyles. The pair locked egos recently after Moyles decided to have a whine about not being paid on time.

And hilariously, since then, both DJs have lost a shedful of listeners!So what happens when you start having temper tantrums live on-air and confess to not being ‘a morning person’, despite hosting a show that is broadcast very early in the day? Well, it looks like you shed more than half a million listeners.

Jesus on crutches! That’s a lot of people!

According to the latest ratings from Rajar (Radio Joint Audience Research) 7.1 million weekly listeners tuned in to his show compared to 7.7 million people the previous quarter. Of course, 7.1 million listeners is still a helluva lot of people tuning in, but if Moyles continues to lose that level of listeners, then it could end up with the DJ performing his morning gripery down a string joined up by tin cans.

And Chris Evans, who chipped in and started slagging off Moyles saying ‘it’s time for him to leave’, can’t crow about anything either. Basically, since all this happened, he’s lost all the extra listeners he attracted after taking over Terry Wogan’s morning show.

This means that predictably, commercial stations will start sniffing around the pair and offer them huge pay packets, which will ensure that neither of them learn a thing from this babyish pettiness that they’ve been displaying lately.

And what of 6 Music that is apparently all that’s good about radio? Well, figures show that still, hardly anyone is listening to the bloody thing.

If the BBC want to lose and alienate all their listeners, they really should hire hecklerspray! We’ll rid them of millions of viewers in a heartbeat!

That’s the idea right?

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Chris Moyles is a figure that seems to be wholly loathed by absolutely everyone on Earth… unless of course, you count his millions of listeners who think he’s really funny. When he’s not using homophobic insults and staring into his own navel, he’s complaining about not being paid on time.

Yep, he kicked up a stink because he hadn’t got his pay leaving everyone at home thinking, “but surely you’ve got enough in the bank to keep you going ’til it gets sorted? It’s not like you’re on £5 p/h now is it?”

Thanks to his little HR outburst, which he deemed interesting enough for us all to want to listen to, BBC Radio colleague Chris Evans (another gobshite) has stuck the boot in and suggested that Moyles ought to quit.

Evans has decided on behalf of no-one at all that fellow DJ Chris Moyles should slope off into the distance as

“It’s time for him to leave.”

At this point, we’ll just say that we’re legally obliged by media watchdogs to include the words ‘chubby’, ‘motormouth’ and ‘carrot top’ in this article. Keep an eye out for them.

Evans reckons that Moyles (who likes to eat carrot tops and the packaging from microwave meal in his chubby motormouth) should quit the corporation before he gets the sack.

Why? The former Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush presenter has lambasted Moyles for being too self-centred and too old. Irony or speaking from experience?

Evans used a guest slot on Five Live slate Moyles, saying:

“Chris has got to go somewhere else.”

“Why do you think you have the right to hijack a BBC microphone to make that complaint?”

“I think he’ll go to commercial radio, he’ll get a massive pay packet, and I think he’ll do very well.”

It seems Evans’ problem is that… well, apart from the obvious professional jealousy which is as see-through as wet rice paper, he thinks that Moyles shouldn’t be turning the show into a daily soap opera about himself.

Evans said:

“When you use yourself as your own research, you are going to dig a well that is going to go dry one day. I think that’s happened to Chris.”

Nice to see employers of the BBC turning on each other like this though. No honestly, it is. The BBC is always irritatingly professional so we should thrill at this little spat.

If anyone is listening, we’d like to see Huw Edwards calling Alastair Stewart a ‘melon headed prick’ and Bruce Forsyth offering Louis Walsh out for a fight round the back of television centre.

Pwetty pwease.

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Chris Moyles polarises opinion doesn’t he? Some like his lack of stuffy BBCness, while other hate him for his inability to play a single record in any given hour. Others, meanwhile, don’t listen to his show and don’t really know who he is. Is that everyone covered? Good.

Anyway, yesterday, Moyles had a rant about his job. A job that, incidentally, he’s done for longer than anyone else ever (or something). He’s won awards for it as well. We know this because, every time anyone criticises his show, he’s on hand to let you know with a defensively smug quip.

So what’s he been ranting about? Of all things, he’s decided to moan about his pay.

Now, there’s been a lot of debate about how much Chris Moyles gets paid to host his Radio One breakfast show. Here at hecklerspray, we have a very trustworthy source (basically, someone who does the wages at The Beeb) and they assure us that Moyles is on £260billion pounds per week, which of course, is all paid for by the tax payer.

Which of course, makes his rant on-air all the more galling.

Radio One breakfast show DJ Chris Moyles has launched an on-air tirade against the BBC on Wednesday, claiming he had not been paid for two months.

He said:

“I’m very, very angry for being put into this position. I haven’t been paid since the end of July and no-one cares about it.”

He then added that he’d considered not turning up for work, saying:

“If they can’t be bothered, why should I bother?”

Of course, this will see the laziest of people leaping to their feet and shouting “YES! DON’T BOTHER! YOU TALKING STUPID TALKY MAN!” Naturally, this will prompt fans of Moyles to lazily respond with “IF YOU DON’T LIKE HIM, DON’T LISTEN TO HIM THEN!” which in turn will be met with everyone else sharpening spade handles to stab both parties with.

This leaves Chris Moyles in the middle of us all and his bizarre notion that we should all want to listen to a HR section on his show.

Another ‘source’ has implied that Moyles may want to make this a regular feature on the show called ‘Chicken PAYEback’ where he discusses safety in the workplace and what to do if you need a rebate if you’ve been on emergency tax for too long (which will inevitably be referred to as ‘well gay’).

Until then, he’s got some fast talking to do.

And so, this morning, Moyles said he was…

“Hello to all the new listeners who are tuned in, all the journalists who have tuned in to hear me losing me mind.”

“We have been dealing with this payment issue since last week. I was upset. When I say upset, I was not crying, more frustrated than anything. I just thought, I’ve had enough of this. It’s peeing me off, it’s a complication I don’t necessarily need in my life at the moment.

“Quite occasionally, once in a blue moon, I can be a tad moody first thing in the morning, that was it. I had a rant about the fact I haven’t been paid; everything I said yesterday I stand by, that shouldn’t happen.”

The punchline of the story is a particularly thrilling one. Basically, his boss sent him a text saying that his wage was sorted and Moyles replied with one that said “thank you”. Thrilling stuff eh? You can see why we’re reporting it on this pages. It’s obvious you couldn’t live without the brilliant PAYE joke earlier. We’re worth our weight in gold aren’t we?

If you want to listen to Moyles’ rant, click here. The BBC are sharing it with everyone like someone writing on a toilet wall about someone being a crap shag.

Anyway, feel free to call Chris Moyles’ names in the comments.

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After China had an earthquake Sharon Stone ran about yelling things like “let’s eat the surviving children,” and “finally, I can wear underpants again! A seriously devastating Asian earthquake is all I’ve been waiting for! I’m not kidding! A gypsy once told me to leave it open down there until something like this happened! This is especially nice as it’s been chilly lately!”

Now keep in mind that quote is with many creative liberties on our part. Nonetheless – Stone rocked the Asian world with some comment that was so dull we’ve long since forgotten what it was. But PETA hasn’t.

No – PETA is still livid. Livid enough to fire off a letter to Stone several months after the fact offering to give her a free brain scan to see if that’s why she’s so indifferent to human life and….(wait for it)… the suffering of animals.

Something must be wrong with Sharon Stone.

No, not because of the stupid Chinese earthquake thing – we mean physically. In all the commercials for Basic Instinct 2 her back just looked a little crooked. Nothing a brace couldn’t fix – and we’d like to tell her that too, maybe in a letter.

We’d better not send that letter now though as Stone’s mailbox may be too full, what with all that CAT scan equipment in there and what-not. Now to be honest the CAT scan equipment is very expensive and costly to use – and PETA knows this. That’s why they’ve offered to pay for Stone to get a brain examination. In a letter from PETA headquarters, animal-lord Ingrid Newkirk said:

“Given that millions of people – including children – were killed, injured, and left homeless by the recent earthquake in China, everyone was shocked to hear you dismiss the devastating effects of this disaster. However, your cavalier attitude did not come as a surprise to us. We are used to the indifference that you flaunt and the callous remarks that you make about the suffering and death of the animals whose fur you wear so often.

“Scientific studies suggest that the prefrontal regions of the brains of people who lack empathy might be underdeveloped. Here’s our offer: Would you allow PETA to pay for a scan of the prefrontal region of your brain to determine if comments and actions that seem to demonstrate a lack of empathy are the result of a physical defect?”

As hecklerspray reads the contents of a letter like that, the first thing we think about is shutting the blinds so that nobody sees us wearing our polar-bear-skin bathrobe as we sit in front of our computer monitor typing on specially-made ivory keys and using a dead weasel as a wrist-rest.

Once we’re sure nobody can see in, we feel much more comfortable thinking about how that Newkirk dame sounds a tad lonely, and that the skin from her back might make a nice pair of mittens for somebody.

And then we think about offering a bounty of ten thousand dollars for a pair of mittens made from the PETA lady’s velvety-soft back.

And then we think about how an offer like that could land us in prison if taken seriously, but that it might be worth it because at least our hands would be warm as we tickled ourselves through the gloves every night as we prepare for slumber.

Wait – do they take away your mittens when they book you into prison?

Well lets just cancel the whole thing then.

Hey kids, don't bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times – just ask Kevin Federline.

As we've told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn't act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she's the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children's safety scissors and c) she's loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she's in for a shock – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own.

It's never been in doubt that Britney Spears is a special mother. After all, it takes a certain calibre of person to call your children accidents in public, endanger their lives by driving with them perched on your lap and then have a full-scale head-shaving meltdown that sees you end up babbling about being the Antichrist in rehab. 

But just to reinforce that point, the judge presiding over the interminable custody fight between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline has ruled that Britney Spears now has to pay the legal bills for Kevin Federline as well as herself. And now that she's effectively funding the world's biggest negative publicity campaign against herself and paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to have her children torn from her forever, that has to make Britney Spears the specialest mother ever.

Because, as much of a loving father as Kevin Federline is, he's also a workshy sod and a hopeless rapper to boot. As court documents from last week show, it took all of last year for Kevin Federline to make what Britney Spears earns in a month. And that's a month of nothing but listless idleness too – now that Britney has an album out that figure could skyrocket. Meanwhile Kevin Federline has to live off the $3,000 he got in royalties from PopoZao, whatever money he's got left from that Super Bowl insurance advert and all the handouts he gets from Britney. How's a hustler supposed to piece together an effective legal strategy on a shoestring like that?

The short answer is that he isn't – now that it's become apparent that Kevin Federline can't afford his lawyers it's down to Britney Spears to cough up the outstanding $120,000. Commissioner Scott M. Gordon wrote in his ruling that:

"Even if a party has the ability to pay his or her own fees, a disparity in the parties' respective circumstances may itself demonstrate relative 'need.'"

But if Britney Spears is now paying to try and keep her children and paying for Kevin Federline to take her children away from her, doesn't she get any sort of say in the matter? If we were Britney Spears we'd only agree to pay Kevin Federline's legal bill so long as he promised to sack his current lawyer and instead employ someone who'd be less likely to paint Britney Spears as a terrible mother in court.

True, even a blind Albanian orphan with learning disabilities and no grasp of the American legal system whatsoever would have trouble painting Britney Spears as anything other than a terrible mother but, hey, it's probably still worth a shot anyway, right?