Paula Goodspeed - HecklerSpray

Simon Cowell Gets All ‘Whoops’ About Paula Abdul’s Dead Stalker

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

American Idol loves its theme nights – we’ve previously had Beatles Night, Big Band Night and Ironically Let Taylor Hicks Win Night.

But the forthcoming American Idol will be groundbreaking. That’s because it’ll be the first American Idol theme season – and the theme is ‘everybody be really nice to all the contestants, even if they’re clearly awful, in case more of them show up dead outside Paula Abdul‘s house’.

Actually it’s not. Simon Cowell has spoken about the death of Paula Abdul’s obsessed fan and has decided that, though sad, he’s still going to be a bastard to everyone he meets. Hooray!

Paula Abdul Understandably Spooked Out About That Dead Lady

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Paula Abdul once sang a duet with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat, so she knows weird when she sees it.

But when a woman who a) looked like Paula, b) painted lifesize pictures of Paula and c) appeared on the TV show that Paula judges died outside Paula Abdul’s house surrounded by pictures and CDs all bearing Paula Abdul’s image in a car with a licence plate that professed her love for Paula Abdul, that may have tipped things to a new level.

Apparently Paula Abdul hasn’t slept in her own house since any of this happened. Well, duh.

Paula Abdul’s Number One Fan Turns Up Dead

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

An American Idol contestant infatuated with Paula Abdul enough to paint huge pictures of her has been found dead near Abdul’s home.

The body of Paula Goodspeed was discovered yesterday near Paula Abdul’s mansion in a car with a Paula Abdul-referencing license plate, next to pictures and CDs of Paula Abdul. It’s thought that Paula Goodspeed overdosed on prescription drugs, following a less successful suicide attempt near Abdul’s home earlier this year.

It’s sad news, and Goodspeed’s death might even make reality producers question their vetting process or treatment of contestants. Maybe they could just let Randy Jackson judge the next season of American Idol alone. After all, nobody can like him that much, can they?