Simon Cowell Gets All ‘Whoops’ About Paula Abdul’s Dead Stalker American Idol loves its theme nights - we've previously had Beatles Night, Big Band Night and Ironically Let Taylor Hicks Win Night. But the forthcoming American Idol will be groundbreaking. That's because it'll be the first American Idol theme season - and the theme is 'everybody be really nice to all the contestants, even if they're clearly awful, in case more of them show up dead outside Paula Abdul's house'. Actually it's not. Simon Cowell has spoken about the death of Paula Abdul's obsessed fan and has decided that, though sad, he's still going to be a bastard to everyone he meets. Hooray!

American Idol Gets Revamped, Now Slightly Less Death-Stalkery American Idol, it's fair to say, is on the slide - last season it was only watched by 97% of Americans, down from the usual 105%. But relax - American Idol is on it. Later today, American Idol is holding a news conference where it'll announce several changes for its new season, including more focus on talent and less on the auditionees who'll inevitably turn up dead outside Paula Abdul's house. But don't worry, American Idol fans - the show will still have wildly long, endurance-challenging results shows so full of ersatz crap that you'll feel like killing yourself midway through. That's American Idol's bread and butter.

Paula Abdul Understandably Spooked Out About That Dead Lady Paula Abdul once sang a duet with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat, so she knows weird when she sees it. But when a woman who a) looked like Paula, b) painted lifesize pictures of Paula and c) appeared on the TV show that Paula judges died outside Paula Abdul's house surrounded by pictures and CDs all bearing Paula Abdul's image in a car with a licence plate that professed her love for Paula Abdul, that may have tipped things to a new level. Apparently Paula Abdul hasn't slept in her own house since any of this happened. Well, duh.

Paula Abdul’s Number One Fan Turns Up Dead An American Idol contestant infatuated with Paula Abdul enough to paint huge pictures of her has been found dead near Abdul's home. The body of Paula Goodspeed was discovered yesterday near Paula Abdul's mansion in a car with a Paula Abdul-referencing license plate, next to pictures and CDs of Paula Abdul. It's thought that Paula Goodspeed overdosed on prescription drugs, following a less successful suicide attempt near Abdul's home earlier this year. It's sad news, and Goodspeed's death might even make reality producers question their vetting process or treatment of contestants. Maybe they could just let Randy Jackson judge the next season of American Idol alone. After all, nobody can like him that much, can they?

Red Hot Newsflash: Paula Abdul Doesn’t Make Much Sense They say nothing is certain but death and taxes, but that's only because 'nothing is certain except death, taxes and Paula Abdul acting all crazy boogaloo' is too long. You guessed it - notorious slurring headcase Paula Abdul has had another episode. What crazy shenanigans has Paula Abdul got up to this time? Why, judging an American Idol contestant on a song that he hadn't even sung, of course. This confusing American Idol cock-up has left people asking the very important question 'is Paula Abdul OK?' To which the answer is obviously 'no, she's clearly not OK, she's Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul does this sort of stuff all the bloody time. What are you, new here or something?'

Paula Abdul Recording Some Sort Of Barmy New Album

Paula Abdul hasn't released an album since 1995, and the world has changed a lot in the meantime.

For example, duetting with cartoon cats is no longer in fashion, drum sounds no longer have to echo for 30 seconds and also the popularity of the internet means that people can discover how bad your new songs are before they've even paid for them. But that hasn't stopped Paula Abdul from recording a brand new album.

Paula Abdul hasn't had a UK top 20 since 1992. We get the feeling it'll stay that way.

Paula Abdul Goes Mental In An Airport

If there's a new season of American Idol starting, it must be time to begin our annual 'Paula Abdul is a flipping loon' blowout.

But, no, actually perhaps things will be different this year. Perhaps Paula Abdul will be able to get through a season of American Idol sanely, sensibly and without drawing attention to her worst characteristics like she usually does.

What? Paula Abdul's gone and had a 10-minute emotional breakdown in an airport? And she started talking like a poltergeist? Lordy.