Hecklerspray » Paula Abdul

Simon Cowell Almost Put Genitals Into Paula Abdul

Euan L Davidson — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:30:17 +0000

Sometimes, you hear a piece of news that changes everything. Where were you when you heard about 9/11, for example? Do you remember the exact second you heard when Brookside was being cancelled? When Osama was killed? When Slobodan Milosevic was finally taken to task for his war crimes?

But this is next level.

Simon Cowell, the man with perfectly cube-shaped hair, has announced to anyone who’ll listen (idiots) that he almost, but didn’t, put his glans into the former American Idol judge and cat botherer Paula Abdul.

Despite being engaged, Cowell told American press all about the almost-romp, telling sources that he just “couldn’t go through with it”.

Ah, been there mate. “Too many drinks”, “nerves”, I get you. Wink, nudge, weep.

hecklerspray doesn’t expect you to be able to function properly having read this, and then, considered the image (funnier if you think about MC Skat Kat looking through the window at their writhing bodies in disdain) of either Simon Cowell’s penis as an instrument, or the actual thought of their having sex.

The thought of Cowell and Abdul having sex reminds us of a particular scene from Lars Von Triers’ ‘The Idiots’. If you’re a Guardian reader, you’ll absolute get that joke and be appalled by it.

For everyone else, we tried to reach Cowell’s reps (by simply shouting at the sky) but could not get a confirmation or denial that Simon Cowell “settled for a blowie”.

Ah well.

Pop Promos: Wait, Is This All Scroobius Pip’s Fault?

Lauren Mullineaux — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 10:00:02 +0000

Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now. Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don’t worry we’re not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.

To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you’d only get a little bit of motion sickness.

Yes, there is a massive ‘but’ here… although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers. Instead we’re celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.

So in our American X Factor Video Special you’re going to have to watch videos of past American Idol contestants because we just realised that this is a brand spanking new television drama just waiting to redeem our souls.

Americas sweetheart and answer to Will Young shook talentless middle America to it’s very core when she won the first season of American Idol at the tender, chubby age of 20, but that was nothing compared to her emotionally wrought (let’s face it) video for ‘Because Of You’.

It may not have been her first single and it may have come years into her probably floundering career, but 2005 was never the same after little Kelly Clarkson had her hair done and showed off her acting chops. As the runner up in 2003’s World Idol we can safely rest in the knowledge that there is only one human on the planet who is better than her. Fact. So while all tonight’s hicks are crying about failing the 3rd grade spelling bee on the word ‘grape’ that one day they might be belting out covers of Sheryl Crowe songs that bring all that resentment to the surface. This ladies and gents is where it all started. Nobody even knows who you are Kurt Nilsen!

Season 2 gave us the comedy fat-guy with a heart of gold and inner turmoil. Ruben Studdard, kangol hat finely atop his head, is that man. He wears big floating shirts and gets praise from people like Luther Vandross, when they aren’t looking he records songs like this.

Somebody called Fantasia won season 3, unlike Olly Murs they didn’t even get a presenting job.

Carrie Underwood though, we all know who she is right? Course we do, she sings those songs, sort of like Taylor Swift right? That could be Sheryl Crowe though, so don’t hold us to that, she’s from Oklahoma because nobody that isn’t from the Mid-West has ever won an American talent competition before. Carrie who beat our favourite long-haired chap who plays guitar and has an alliterative name, Bo Bice, has wowed audiences with such hits as…please hold while we go to Wikipedia…’Inside your Heaven’ and ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’. In the video for the Grammy award winning ‘Before He Cheats’ you can see a feisty looking leather clad Carrie walk the streets with a baseball bat smashing the car of the cheater in questions, she also references Shania Twain which is fine by us. Carrie looks a bit like Barbie, but not as human. She has wind machines on her hair, and throws car keys in alcoholic beverages, she’s a bit full of herself this one. The sheer power of her voice though does cause the windows of nearby buildings to explode, so that’s something.

Country music continued to prevail for another year and after that Jordin ‘my parents can’t spell’ Sparks won the competition somehow, but since her it’s just been average looking men with guitars strutting like male peacocks.

They could form a more tired, less self-deprecating, attempting to be well dressed, version of Snow Patrol.

As you only just remembered, or heard for the first time some of these names then you will have probably come to understand your feelings and how you don’t care about the quality of video for whatever the next hit single may be. The artists too have realised this and thus compile a series of images involving leaning towards the camera with a microphone stand, walking, and hitting a high note while in a moment of emotional intensity. Let’s hope American X Factor can bring us a star who knows these industry secrets, a star that is homely in that Mid-Western way, a star who can sing like all of these people put together; let’s hope American X Factor can bring us Kelly Clarkson. Alternatively we’ll settle for a family oriented hooker who snorts cheap drugs at the weekend.

Enjoy your time watching ITV 2 and if you have time between Iceland adverts, coping with the pain of the realisation that Randy Jackson isn’t here, and all the inane flirting then vote for us in those blog awards that we’re up for… please?

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Cheryl Cole Blows Up Simon Cowell With A Massive Bomb Given To Her By The Army

Mof Gimmers — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:00:52 +0000

Have you ever looked at Simon Cowell and thought to yourself; ‘I’d like to get a load of plastic explosives and blow him and his botoxed face off the face of the Earth, just for giggles’?

Well, that’s exactly what Cheryl Cole did yesterday. Remarkably, she did it with the help of the British Army.

We don’t remember seeing Simon Cowell’s face on the infamous War On Terror playing cards though. Paula Abdul, yes, but no Cowell.

The Army, who clearly hate the music that Simon Cowell has unleashed on the world, got their explosive experts to give Cheryl the opportunity to blow up the music mogul.

Cole, while over at Camp Bastion, was thrilled to get the chance to blow something to kingdom come.

Sadly, it was only a dummy of the X Factory Foreman.

Cole apparently said:

“His head needed to be a lot bigger and the trousers could have done with being a lot higher.”

“It was nice to hold the cards for a change. This moment will live in my memory for a long time! They sprang it on me. I had no idea Simon the dummy was going to be blown up. It was good to see everyone having a laugh.”

Yeah. Blowing stuff up is a laugh! We can’t fault that line of thinking.

Unless, of course, you’re blowing up a busy shopping street with a lunchbox filled with explosives strapped to your stomach. That’s marginally less fun.

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Simon Cowell Has A Threesome, Hates Condoms And You Lose Your Lunch

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:00:33 +0000

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Cleaned the vomit from your mouth yet?

Good.

See, while Cowell was talking to not-actually-that-shocking-a-shock-jock Howard Stern, the Pop Culture Mogul talked about his past dalliances and the turbulent state of his current engagement tofiancée Mezhgan Hussainy.

At the moment, he’s got no idea whether they’re still engaged. When asked, he said

‘not sure’

Annoyed by the convo, Cowell spoke of being betrothed in past tense and grumpily said that he wouldn’t be talking about it any further.

Spokesman Max Clifford says:

‘He likes to keep (his relationship) private. In terms of the relationship, it is long distance. He is back in England at the moment, and when he goes back she will be doing things. When he goes back to the States, she will be doing stuff. To my knowledge they are not having any problems.’

Applying the rule of Anything Max Clifford Says Is Likely To Be The Polar Opposite Of What’s Going On, we can assume that Cowell is indeed having problems and that he isn’t in England and that Simon Cowell is in fact a woman.

Or something.

Still, you want to know about the threesome. Simon confessed to having one years ago, as well as having a date with Denise Richards while she was heavily pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s child.

Talking about his disgusting ménage-a-trois, he said:

‘A threesome? Yeah, years and years ago… I mean a long, long time ago, I was with these two girls and ended up in bed. It was cool. It was a lot of fun.’

And dating Richards, a former Bond girl no less:

‘We arranged to meet at a hotel polo lounge. She turned up eight months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.’

A dog. In a handbag. Did she have kittens in her coat pockets and a lizard secreted in her colon too? Hollywood is weird.

Cowell also isn’t a fan of condoms either. Apparently, they’re

‘something you wore when you were 17 or something’.

‘There are other alternative methods’

Push your boobs together, because Cowell is coming! Oh, X Factor USA starts on September 21 at 8pm on Fox.

Cheryl Cole Joins Twitter, World Implodes In Excitement

Matthew Laidlow — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 09:00:09 +0000

Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out the marketing spam and made everything feel more communal.

Twitter allows the entire world to know what you’re doing in a continual burst of status updates. Refreshing as it is to know your mate is suffering from chronic diarrhoea, it’s the celebrities who are best value as sometimes, they totally fail to self-edit.

We think of it as friendly stalking from afar, eliminating the chances of you being caught furiously masturbating outside your favourite slebs house. And now, poor Cheryl Cole who has been out the spotlight for a while, has signed up to twitter which means we can find out exactly what she’s thinking (follow her here).

Every girl group has a member who somehow maintains popularity and press coverage despite doing nothing at all. As far as we’re aware, all of the other members of Girls Aloud aren’t doing anything that’ll bankroll them for the rest of their lives. Nadine released a flop album, the ginger one did something with make-up, Sarah Harding starred in a couple of ropey films and we can’t remember the other one. Wasn’t she called Bridgett? Whatever her name, her and all of the other members combined haven’t been up to much compared to Chezza.

And poor Cheryl became the nation’s sweetheart… the innocent dimple cheeked lamb who always suffered at the hands of other people.

First she had to face the behaviour of on/off partner Ashley Cole who was sticking his penis in other women’s love tunnels. And men too, if you believe those completely libellous rumours.

In more recent times, Cheryl suffered at the mercy of entertainment lord and music’s greatest enemy, Simon Cowell. Because Girls Aloud wouldn’t ripple in the gigantic pond that is the American music market, Cheryl was given a chance to break the lucrative Yank market and tell a bunch of deluded singers over there that they were rubbish. That’s right, X-Factor was going Stateside and a humble Geordie girl was going along for the ride. After months of dragging the American judging panel out, there was a problem. Cheryl’s Geordie accent wasn’t cutting the peas pudding and she was asked to leave.

And Paula Abdul bullied her.

Since X-Factor dried up, Cheryl Cole has disappeared. Where has she gone? No new music has been released and there’s been a lack of patronising makeup adverts on the TV. Toilet attendants might be on edge. But fear not! Everyone can now catch up with what Cheryl is doing all the time. From refusing her super skinny cappuccino because it’s too fattening, to planning magazine shoots, we’ll get to know everything that’s going on thanks to Twitter.

So far, @cherylcole has only tweeted twice. They include:

“It’s me CC! WHERE MY SOLDIERS AT…….?!!! I can’t believe what my fingers are doing but yes I’m tweeting :-s so here goes…X”

It appears that she might have fled to Libya to head up the rebel troops movement. And:

“Happy birthday Cameron, you sexy beeeyyaatchh…X”

Clearly Cheryl Cole is a Tory supporter and is keen to show off her mad love for her number one politician BFF, David Cameron.

@stephendfry might have competition on Twitter, but not @hecklerspray. Poo jokes are as intelligent as we get.

Simon Cowell Wants To Reanimate His Own Corpse

Mof Gimmers — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 15:00:32 +0000

Should you be unlucky enough to live for the next 300 years, aside from the agony of reanimation, the clawing sense of disenfranchisement with our new ape leaders and, of course, the horrible realisation that you are a disappointment regardless of the time you live in, you might be on the end of a withering aside from Simon Cowell.

That’s right. The music molester has stated his desire to live forever and ever so he can belittle people long into our dark future.

Basically, he wants to have his body frozen after his death as “an insurance policy”, where in the distant future, he can hold a talent contest between cannibalistic apes to see which one can sing the best, while reintroducing the phrase ‘this means everything to me’ and getting some monkeys to cry about being orphaned by science, and that this Whitney Houston song got them through genetic experiments.

Cowell first showed interest in having his body preserved in liquid nitrogen back in 2009. Presumably, he got the fear of death after seeing Paula Abdul up close.

And he’s still at it, wanting to outlive us all.

In an interview with GQ, Cowell insists that he would like to be frozen, in the hope scientists can find a way to bring him back to life like they’ve done on science documentary, Futurama.

He says:

“It’s an insurance policy. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But if it does work, I’ll be happy. If it’s possible – and I think it will be – why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy?

He then added:

“I think it’s a good idea. I have a feeling that if I don’t do it, I could regret it in 300 years.”

No, if you don’t do it, you’ll be dead. Berk.

People Continue To Employ Cheryl Cole For Inexplicable Reasons (Glee and ‘A Film With Cameron Diaz In It’ Beckon)

Sophie Hall — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:00:02 +0000

You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.

Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.

After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.

Those months were some of the most significant pieces of clarity that we have ever experienced. But now it’s time for the hideous comedown, which falls into the shape of the following piece of information: Cheryl Cole is now to become an actress.

It has surfaced that Cheryl (Or ‘Chezza’, if you’re a Heatworld.com reader) will be appearing in an upcoming terrible film called What To Expect When You’re Expecting – a hilarious romcom about pregnant people starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. What’s that you say? Why have two has-been, incredibly untalented and unattractive women when you can have three? Well, yes, bit cruel – but fair point, guys. Fair point.

On top of this, new rumours are now floating around that Cheryl’s infallible multi-talented abilities will also be taking place in a guest spot in everyone’s favourite masochistic orgy series Glee, and everyone’s second favourite masochistic orgy series How I Met Your Mother.

These rumours appeared to begin after Matthew Morrison, (who apparently is in Glee, but how the hell would we possibly know) lied to the press today professing:

“She is a talented girl. Appearing in Glee would be a good way for Cheryl to crack America.”

Brilliant. Cheers Cheryl. It’s going to be an absolutely awful 2012, and we’re all going to have to actually watch the Olympics now.

Citizen Kane 2, anyone?

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What’s All This About Simon Cowell And His Amazing Anti-Ageing Potion?

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:30:27 +0000

Simon Cowell isn’t looking as old as he used to. Sure, he’s looking weirder than he used to, but that’s clearly down to American dentistry, leaving him looking like a boiled potato with some dentures jammed in.

While you may think the music mogul/overlord has been under the surgeon’s knife, well, you may well be right. We’ve no idea. We’re more interested in the news that he’s been swigging a magic potion to thwart the ravages of time.

But is it so magic that it will reverse the ageing process so much that he will return to his baby form, gurgling and filling his high-waisted trousers with liquid green crap?

It has been reported (ergo, ‘made-up’ or ‘speculated’) that Cowell has TURNED HIS BACK ON BISCUITS (what kind of ghoul turns their back on biscuits?) in favour of becoming obsessed with an exotic smoothie.

Get that! A smoothie, but exotic!

Some source who has probably never even seen a picture of Cowell, let alone met him, assures us:

“He’s obsessed with staying healthy and wants to look after himself. The drink is an extension of that. It is not cheap to make and involves lots of hard-to-buy fruit which we need to take on the road. But for someone like Simon it is not a big deal if it costs a lot”

It probably contains unicorn tears and freshly squeezed rocking horse heart as well.

Apparently, this voodoo glug is made for Simon every day while he’s on the road for his travelling grief circus. And you want to know what’s in it don’t you?

Start shopping for lingonberry, acerola berry, choke berry and aronia juice, if indeed, they exist at all.

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Look! X Factor USA Is Imminent! Simon Cowell’s Nightmare In Video Proves It!

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:30:02 +0000

Hark at this! The brand spanking new X Factor USA has finally started advertising itself and, despite shameless product placement, they’ve only gone and made an adspot that isn’t wholly awful. In fact, it’s almost charmingly witty. Although, Paula Abdul’s face takes the prize as funniest thing on the video. Anyway, here it is. Watch it with your eyes. It’s going to take over the world isn’t it?

You Could Be Arrested For Taking Cheryl Cole’s Photograph Thanks To Superinjunction

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 13:00:38 +0000

We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011′, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

If you’re a fan of Cheryl who newspapers might describe as ‘loyal’ and are mental enough to camp out to see her in various places ‘just to see if she’s okay’ or shout I LOVE YOU CHERYL for no reason at all, any photographs you take will be against the terms of the order.

Of course, if this proves vaguely successful, other celebrities will waste absolutely no time in getting their own orders out.

As such, we’ll be faced with the strange event that a celebrity will happily pose for photos at events, yet, they don’t want their photos taking at all.

Wouldn’t it be funny if all the media outlets clubbed together and decided that they wouldn’t take a picture of a celebrity ever, ever again, replacing their images with photoshopped horrors.

Such as? Well, let hecklerspray get the ball rolling with some suggestions. If we can’t snap Cheryl anymore, we’ll just have to imagine what she looks like these days.

You’re welcome.

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Cheryl Cole Hates America And Simon Cowell But Loves Girls Aloud

Mof Gimmers — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 10:00:59 +0000

We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.

And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.

She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.

Apparently, Cheryl has told chums (or as they’re known in the press, ‘sources which have never met the person who is being written about’):

“I’m actually really happy not to be on the show now. It was definitely the right decision for me,”

“I was so badly mucked around by Simon and everyone involved. I don’t want that in my life any more. I’m better off without it.”

She reportedly added:

“I’ll make my own decisions now and not have to be dependent on someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m loving being home and being back in Britain. It feels right for me right now.”

“Nobody realises this but I never actually had this great dream to break the States. It was Simon who encouraged me to take the job there. If I never come famous in America then that’s fine with me.”

And this is all because Girls Aloud are coming back in 2012. Nicola Roberts is, of course, creating something of a storm with her new single, Beat Of My Drum, which isn’t actually as great as everyone claims, rather, being an example of a pop star who everyone is rooting for thanks to a refreshing lack of ego and a will to make immediate, vaguely quirky pop. Nadine Coyle could learn some lessons in humility from ol’ Nicola.

So once Roberts has wrapped up her promos, Cheryl will be waiting at camp GA, stating that she’d arranged to rejoin the group and isn’t one for going back on her word….

“I always keep my promises, unlike some people.”

“I’d never go back on my word. I always honour my commitments, unlike some people I know. I keep my promises.”

Hear that Simon? Of course you didn’t. You’re too far up a former Pussycat Doll’s arse to hear anything at all. Either way, it’s looking likely that Girls Aloud will be making an appearance at the opening on the London Olympics in some way, which is just brilliant news.

And no, we’re not being sarcastic.

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Simon Cowell Is As Good As A Dead Man To Cheryl Cole

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 09:00:37 +0000

One of the odd things that surrounds Cheryl Cole, is people’s propensity to note that she was working class. It is supposed to be a negative that she’s a chav who got lucky – like that’s a bad thing. It is unfortunate then, that she’s now indulging in a playgroup scrap with Simon Cowell, indeed reminiscent of a scally spitting at a dinner lady.

Apparently, the friendship they had is now over and dead. Which isn’t so good for her television career, which we know you all enjoyed.

So what’s the beef? Well, the Girls Alouder (do they still exist or are they simply in pop-limbo?) isn’t particularly chuffed that Cowell decided to talk to the press about her axe from X Factor USA, which saw the mogul saying that Chezza was ‘nervous’ and ‘uncomfortable’ on the show.

It would appear that Cowell had promised to keep his big mouth, filled with denture-white teeth, well and truly shut… which of course, he didn’t as he chattered on endlessly about Cole’s replacement, Nicole Scherzinger (which is irritating for people like us who like surnames that are easy to spell).

It appears that Cole told friends:

“If he thinks we are going to be friends he can forget it.”

“If Simon thinks he can claim it was a business arrangement that went wrong, he is insane. She wasn’t uncomfortable on the show. She was enjoying herself. No one complained at the time.”

Like a schoolyard quibble, it would appear that Cowell didn’t do the dirty deed himself, getting someone else to do it for him like the little jerk-off who starts a fight then sends in the big lumpen mate to actually start throwing the punches.

“Simon admits he got his top producer Richard Holloway to tell her she was off the US show – that’s because he was afraid to do it himself. Cheryl trusted him implicitly and she doesn’t do that with many people. He made a mockery of their friendship so now it’s dead in the water.”

But this is all bollocks isn’t it, stirring up interest for the American version of The X Factor, so what do we care?

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Paula Abdul Hates Cheryl Cole And Her Clothes

Joanna Bolouri — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 10:00:53 +0000

Here at hecklerspray, there are just two things guaranteed to make us deliriously giddy. One is watching the munchkin scene from The Wizard of Oz, where they’re all dead happy and singing about death, making us truly believe that all tiny people singing people are filled with love for each other. The other is Justin Bieber walking into a glass door (no need to explain why).

So when we heard that two tiny borebag pop stars, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul were not BFF on the X Factor, it almost destroyed us.

We can still hear Matthew Laidlow crying at night when he thinks everyone in the squalid ‘spray residence is asleep.

An insider from the inside of something said:

‘Paula didn’t take to Cheryl at all and treated her like they were in high school’

‘She completely blanked her and pretended not to know anything about her. Cheryl was supposed to sit next to Simon but Paula had a tantrum and Simon backed down’

It’s like Saved by the Bell all over again. Let’s hope Paula didn’t say anything mean about Cheryl’s clothes.

‘Paula was really passive aggressive and said things to Cheryl like: “That’s an interesting outfit – you have unusual style.”

Oh she did.

Fair point though.

It all became too much and Cheryl confronted Paula about her bitchy attitude resulting in a West Side Story dance off with moves Paula choreographed in 1988.

Okay, that probably didn’t happen but apparently Cheryl’s temper raised it’s ugly lollipop grabbing head and she called Paula a c*** to her face. Even better.

How we wish this was true. We may start liking her.

Bye bye.

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Simon Cowell Is Sorry About Cheryl Cole, But Still Refuses To Fasten More Buttons On His Shirt

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 31 May 2011 13:00:42 +0000

Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him.

Where were we? Oh yes, Simon is all sad. That’s because he’s had to watch his chum Cheryl Cole getting dumped by people more powerful than him, making the whole thing doubly wounding.

Since getting the chop from X Factor USA, Cheryl Cole has gone into hiding, ignoring everyone’s calls and texts (especially those sent by us, but then again, she’s been ignoring them since Girls Aloud liked each other), leaving Cowell to break the silence on the whole thing.

It appears that the person taking Cheryl’s place on the show is… uh… Simon Cowell, but he’s feeling really, really bad about it. Honest he is.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

…says Simon, now down to a mere three buttons fastened on his expensive, yet boring shirt.

A source says that Simon’s hands were pretty much tied about the whole Cheryl Cole thing.

“He loves Cheryl and did everything in his power to get her on US TV. But channel chiefs just weren’t happy. It was a necessary evil and he feels terribly guilty about it.

“He knew he’d get a slap in the face from her for all of this – and he certainly got one. But he doesn’t want any bad blood.”

Does anyone actually believe any of this guff? Cheryl getting the boot because of her accent? On a show that has Steve Jones presenting?

Really? REALLY?

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Has Cheryl Cole Been Unceremoniously Dumped From X Factor USA For Perfectly Understandable Accent?

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 26 May 2011 11:00:29 +0000

America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents.

And this could well be the reason that Cheryl Cole has been replaced by Pussycat Doll Nicole Sherzinge weeks before the show airs.

Of course, Cole has been a vaguely controversial choice for a judges chair on the show, basically because she’s a relative unknown Stateside, and there have been concerns over the fact that Cheryl has a Geordie accent. However, it would appear the lack of chemistry with Paula Adbul could be the reason, despite the fact it is nigh on impossible to get a rapport going with someone who has all the vitality of a euthanised Basset Hound.

Cole was supposed to star alongside Simon Cowell and LA Reid, despite her regional accent. She, however, insists that it hasn’t ever really been a problem over there.

“Americans can always understand me. I’ve been here a lot, I’ve got a lot of American friends and we have the odd moments where they’re like ‘What? What did that mean?’ – you know, a phrase.”

“But I think that it’s going to be something that people get used to. And I’m proud of my accent.”

You have to remember, one of the thickest popstars in history, will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas, can understand Cheryl Cole perfectly well, unless he’s simply been nodding politely for the past coupla years he’s known her (not impossible, granted).

But whatever. Fox and Cowells representatives don’t want to talk about the rumour that Cheryl’s been fired from the show, which probably means she hasn’t been handed her P45 at all and this is all excellent hype building for a show that could well take over America completely.

$5million to the winner too.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where all the jokes got to, you have to remember that we wrote all this while doing a poor impression of a Geordie accent. Idiots. Do we have to wipe your asses too?

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