Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.

You’ll have noticed there’s a worldwide financial crisis going on. Well don’t worry, because we’ve generously picked out three of this week’s new music releases to uplift your spirits. Or else confirm your belief that the world is going to hell, and fast. Whichever.

All releases are represented by a thought which might be thinked by the thinkers who buy them.

Firstly: Fire, Kasabian, single.

The initial release from their upcoming album, The West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum. What would you get if you were to blend San Francisco, 1967, with Manchester, 1987, in a musical food processor? The answer is this single from the pals of celebritosser, Noel Fielding. Fairly harmless psychedila-lite, which does get a little tedious by the nineteenth time that big, catchy hook comes skipping round. This single is represented by the thought:

“Ooh, a new Kasabian single. I’d better check if it’s still cool to like them before I buy it, though.”

Secondly: Soul Of My Soul, Michelle Shocked, album.

Shocked is what happened when the innocence of 1960s female singer/songwriters (Joni Mitchell, et al.) found itself butting heads with the selfishness and warmongering of the 1980s. Here’s a little hint of what you’re getting into with Michelle Shocked: track 4 is called “Ballad Of The Battle Of The Ballot And The Bullet Part 1: Ugly Americans”. Couldn’t be less subtle unless it was “George Bush Is A Great Big Horse’s Winky And You’re All A Bunch Of Uselss Fat Spermwastes”. The album should please existing followers, being a familiarly cosy brand of country (albeit with a political message that may not sit too well with some fans of the genre). It is represented by the thought:

“Must remember to sign that anti-nuclear proliferation petition when I get into work on Monday. At the vegan healthfood and sandals store. Where I work.”

Thirdly: Passione, Paul Potts, album.

Long before Susan Boyle, Britain’s Got Talent had unearthed Potts, the original talented ugly. Whereas Susan’s thing is musicals, Paul’s is opera. Well, we say opera: Potts is to Pavarotti as Budweiser is to Stella Artois. Which reminds us of a wonderful joke: why is American beer like sex in a canoe?

They’re both fucking close to water.

Apologies, but we’re just trying to take away the suicidal wishes which naturally accompany thinking about Paul Potts singing. On an album produced by Simon Cowell. This album is represented by the thought:

“Okay: got my Jodi Picault novels spread casually across the coffee table; the Jamie Oliver recipe chicken’s baking away; and there’s Paul Potts’s ‘Chanto Pretensiori” loaded and ready. This dinner party is set to go.”

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But it's fair to say that Simon Cowell should never ever be allowed to even think about making movies for a second. Not even for a second. He should be forced to wear high-voltage electrodes or an exploding neck collar just to stop him thinking about making movies.

We're basing this assessment on one thing and one thing alone here – Simon Cowell is going to make a biopic based on the life of Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts. Someone find us the number of a reputable exploding neck collar salesman quick.

Simon Cowell is in a highly enviable position at the moment. All he does is go on shows like American Idol and X Factor once a week, yawn a bit, tell everyone that they're shit and then waltz off home with a bag of money that weighs more than your house. It's what Simon Cowell is good at, and he should stick to it.

But that's hardly likely to happen when Simon Cowell so plainly wants to be a movie mogul. The signs aren't good – if you can remember the American Idol movie From Justin To Kelly, you'll a) have probably spent quite a lot of time since trying to lobotomise yourself with a Swiss army knife and b) seen that films based on Simon Cowell reality TV shows suck beyond belief. And yet her persists.

Simon Cowell had wanted to make an X Factor movie but, on hearing that it probably contravened the Geneva Convention in several places, he's shifted his focus again. And not for the better, either. Simon Cowell wants to make a movie based of the life of Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts, as The Press Association reports:

The story of Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts is to be made into a Hollywood film produced by Simon Cowell. The former Carphone Warehouse salesman became the unlikely star of the TV talent show with his performance of opera classic Nessun Dorma. Now he is to get the big screen treatment after Paramount Pictures snapped up the rights to his story, according to industry magazine Variety. His rags-to-riches tale is being hailed as "another Billy Elliot".

Just what the world needs – another Billy Elliot. Maybe the Paul Potts story will become just as big and get turned into an Elton John-penned musical as well. It'd be an extravaganza, that's for sure. Admittedly the thing that people liked about Billy Elliot – the innocent-eyed boy – won't be there, replaced by an overweight dim-looking Welsh bloke, but who cares about that?

It'll be interesting to see how Hollywood interprets the Paul Potts story, though, because if the movie ever comes within a million miles of reality we're going to be pretty surprised. What we suspect will happen is that everything will be blown out of all proportions. Instead of a fat bloke with dreams of becoming an opera singer, chances are that the movie will turn Paul Potts into a buff soldier with dreams of becoming a laser-gunner in the space war against the Zargathins – an evil race of aliens led by the universe's wickedest dictator, adorable toothless seven-year-old Connie Talbot.

Read more:

TV winner Paul heads for big screen - PA