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Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney: Why I’m A Feeble Vegetarian

by Stuart Heritage

Now that his divorce from Heather Mills is almost complete, Paul McCartney gets to be just another boring old cakey-faced pensioner who we can forget about again.

But wait! Paul McCartney isn’t going down without a fight. Although his personal life has stopped being exciting and his best professional work is light years behind him, Paul McCartney still has one constant to endlessly bang on about.

His vegetarianism. Which is why it’s no surprise that Paul McCartney has just done a PETA advert explaining why he doesn’t eat meat. At least it’s not one of those adverts where he poses naked to protest animal cruelty, though – one glimpse of Paul McCartney’s saggy buttocks and we’d have torn through a zoo popping everything in the face with the back of a shovel just to quell the nausea.

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Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills Divorce To Go All Public And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Circle March 17 on your calender – that’s when outcome of the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce will be revealed, and who doesn’t enjoy circling dates when bitter divorces between two essentially unlikeable people stumble to a close?

But that’s not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.

That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn’t enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?

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Judge To Choose How Much McCartney Money Heather Mills Gets

by Stuart Heritage

If the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce was a movie villain, it’d be one of those invincible ones that doesn’t die even when you’ve smacked its face in with the back of a shovel 50 times.

After a week at the High Court failing to thrash out a deal in private, the judge presiding over the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has decided to take things into his own hands and will decide how much cash Heather Mills gets himself.

And then, in a month, that’ll be it – Paul McCartney will be divorced from Heather Mills. Unless Heather Mills decides she doesn’t like the decision and drags it out through the Court Of Appeals and the House Of Lords for months and months, of course. Which, let’s face it, she probably will.

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Paul McCartney Divorcing Heather Mills Right Now

by Stuart Heritage

The warm-up has included accusations of violence, accusations of prostitution, accusations of infidelity and a set of dodgy naked photos that frankly freak us out every time we even mention them.

But now it’s time for the main event – at 10am today, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills started getting divorced.

The five-day High Court Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is taking place behind closed doors so details will be scant, but we do know that Heather Mills is legally representing herself, so there’s a distinct chance that her entire case is going to revolve around shrieking the word ‘paedophile’ in a funny voice. Or red jelly penises.

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Paul McCartney Has Heart Surgery On The Sly

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney might give off the impression of youth, what with his dyed moddish haircut and freakish predisposal to larking around with a mandolin like a little twit, but the fact is that Paul McCartney is getting on in years.

And with age comes inevitable health problems, which explains why Paul McCartney had a sly coronary angioplasty recently. According to reports, Paul McCartney had the routine heart operation in secret at a private London hospital in the autumn after consulting his doctor, and has since recovered well. That’ll be good news to everyone except for Ringo Starr, who must accept that Paul McCartney’s refusal to die means that he has to shelve his plans to remaster the life out of all the old Beatles albums until all that’s left is some drumming and a 15-hour selection of out-takes from the seminal Octopus’s Garden sessions.

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Paul McCartney Won’t Sing About His Divorce

by hecklerspray staff

‘From suffering comes creativity’, so goes the old adage, and when applying it to Sir Paul McCartney’s career, it shows us that he hasn’t experienced an ounce of suffering in three decades.

Like us, you were probably hoping that McCartney’s bitter, painful, hilarious divorce may have depressed him back to former glories, but Macca has declared that this is definitely not the case.

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Paul McCartney Now Putting It About Quite A Lot

by Stuart Heritage

Old men! Are you both widowed and divorced and looking to attract women young enough to be your great niece? Then why not invest in a mandolin, because it seems to have bloody done Paul McCartney the world of good*.

Just a couple of weeks after Paul McCartney was seen smooching around with a New York millionairess – and a couple of months of Paul McCartney was seen getting close to Renee Zellweger – Paul McCartney is now thought to be dating star of no good films for a decade Rosanna Arquette, and the pair of them were recently seen hugging and gazing into each other’s eyes in London. There’s not much point dwelling on any of it, however, because at this rate Paul McCartney will have ditched Rosanna Arquette by the middle of next week, by which time he’ll already be knee-deep in the female cast of One Tree Hill.

*You probably need to have been one of The Beatles too, now we think about it. Still, hope for Ringo.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Paul McCartney

by C J Davies

Mondays? Hecklerspray? Haiku competitions?

What else did you expect?

Eh? Last week’s winner? Before we’ve announced that this week’s subject is Paul McCartney?

I suppose we’d better do that, eh?

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Paul McCartney All Kissy Kissy With A Millionaire, Possibly

by Stuart Heritage

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman’s touch – their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they’re stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass.

But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he’s been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he’s been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it’s clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell – a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world ‘paedophile’ in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice – it’s slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.

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Heather Mills Just Like Diana, Shrieks Heather Mills On GMTV

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, full-scale wild-eyed boogaloo angry sobbing televised breakdowns are all the go, and that’s why nobody really doubted that Heather Mills would try her hand at one before long.

But nobody could have expected that Heather Mills’ red-faced tantrum would have been so berserk. However, on GMTV this morning Heather Mills had one of the most spectacular televised breakdowns in all of history than included Heather Mills screaming comparisons between herself, Princess Diana and Kate McCann, conducting direct-to-camera threats to all journalists everywhere, claiming that people are trying to kill her, claiming that she wants to kill herself and demanding that the European courts immediately change the laws so that newspapers are only allowed to say what a wonderful person Heather Mills is.

It’s a cracker, promise.

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