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Paul McCartney

Sorry Grandpa: Still No Beatles On iTunes

by Stuart Heritage

If you’ve been waiting to hear what hot new pop combo The Beatles sound like, then you’re in for a spot of bad news.

Paul McCartney from The Beatles has announced that none of his band’s music will be available on iTunes for the foreseeable future because everyone is arguing over money. But Paul McCartney says he wants The Beatles on iTunes, EMI wants The Beatles on iTunes, and iTunes wants The Beatles on iTunes, so all is not yet lost.

Until then, the music of The Beatles is still available on something we’re told is called a Seed Ee, and you can put these Beatles Seed Ees into your computer and download them onto iTunes that way. But this Seed Ee-buying method does involve leaving the house, and that’s so old-fashioned that they may as well be asking to go into the woods and kill Beatles songs with rocks for food. What do we look like, bloody Luddites?

If you've been waiting to hear what hot new pop combo The Beatles sound like, then you're in for a spot of bad news. Paul McCartney from The Beatles has announced that none of his band's music will be available on iTunes for the foreseeable future because everyone is arguing over money. But Paul McCartney says he wants The Beatles on iTunes, EMI wants The Beatles on iTunes, and iTunes wants The Beatles on iTunes, so all is not yet lost. Until then, the music of The Beatles is still available on something we're told is called a Seed Ee, and you can put these Beatles Seed Ees into your computer and download them onto iTunes that way. But this Seed Ee-buying method does involve leaving the house, and that's so old-fashioned that they may as well be asking to go into the woods and kill Beatles songs with rocks for food. What do we look like, bloody Luddites?
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Paul McCartney’s Got A New Way To Kick The Beatles In The Nuts

by Stuart Heritage

With The Beatles Anthology, Let It Be Naked and that horrible Cirque Du Soleil thing, Beatles fans have never been left wanting.

But now Paul McCartney has dreamt up a brand new way to make even the most ardent Beatles fan drop to their knees and scream “Stop it! Stop punching it! It’s already dead!” at him – he’s going to release the never before heard, experimental 14-minute Beatles track Carnival Of Light.

Carnival Of Light is, of course, probably most famous for being just about the only Beatles track to not be included on The Beatles Anthology because George Harrison and Ringo Starr thought it was rubbish. And look at some of the stuff Ringo Starr has released – he’s essentially saying that Carnival Of Light is even worse than Snookeroo. Which admittedly still makes it better than anything Paul McCartney’s released since 1980.

With The Beatles Anthology, Let It Be Naked and that horrible Cirque Du Soleil thing, Beatles fans have never been left wanting. But now Paul McCartney has dreamt up a brand new way to make even the most ardent Beatles fan drop to their knees and scream "Stop it! Stop punching it! It's already dead!" at him - he's going to release the never before heard, experimental 14-minute Beatles track Carnival Of Light. Carnival Of Light is, of course, probably most famous for being just about the only Beatles track to not be included on The Beatles Anthology because George Harrison and Ringo Starr thought it was rubbish. And look at some of the stuff Ringo Starr has released - he's essentially saying that Carnival Of Light is even worse than Snookeroo. Which admittedly still makes it better than anything Paul McCartney's released since 1980.
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Paul McCartney Wins MTV Award For Being Really Old

by Stuart Heritage

MTV EMAs – if ever there was a show like the MTV VMAs but worse because it’s held somewhere cold and drizzly, it’s you.

The MTV Europe Music Awards took place last night in Liverpool, and it was the perfect opportunity for the city to show off that famous sense of humour it’s always blathering on about. How did it do this? By naming Rick Astley as the Best Act Ever? No – it did it by giving 30 Seconds To Mars multiple awards even though they’re the worst band in the history of recorded music. Oh, you crazy Liverpudlians with your funny pranks.

Also Paul McCartney got given something called an Ultimate Legend award at the MTV EMAs, which isn’t surprising because he’s hands-down the thing that Liverpool is most famous for. Well, the most tangible one, anyway – it’s not like you can give an award to a chippy sense of wounded resentment, is it?

MTV EMAs - if ever there was a show like the MTV VMAs but worse because it's held somewhere cold and drizzly, it's you. The MTV Europe Music Awards took place last night in Liverpool, and it was the perfect opportunity for the city to show off that famous sense of humour it's always blathering on about. How did it do this? By naming Rick Astley as the Best Act Ever? No - it did it by giving 30 Seconds To Mars multiple awards even though they're the worst band in the history of recorded music. Oh, you crazy Liverpudlians with your funny pranks. Also Paul McCartney got given something called an Ultimate Legend award at the MTV EMAs, which isn't surprising because he's hands-down the thing that Liverpool is most famous for. Well, the most tangible one, anyway - it's not like you can give an award to a chippy sense of wounded resentment, is it?
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Paul McCartney Wants You To Stop Eating At McDonald’s, Please

by Stuart Heritage

Having seen off the threat of Islamic terrorism with his recent Israel concert, Paul McCartney is now going after the real menace – the Fillet-O-Fish.

Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.

No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.

Having seen off the threat of Islamic terrorism with his recent Israel concert, Paul McCartney is now going after the real menace - the Fillet-O-Fish. Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald's. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry's mass farming practises, though, or McDonald's aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet. No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald's because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.
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Paul McCartney Set To Release A Ravetastic Electronic Album

by Matthew Laidlow

With plenty of high profile hits and even a divorce behind him, Paul McCartney can literally do anything he wants.

Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing.

It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.

With plenty of high profile hits and even a divorce behind him, Paul McCartney can literally do anything he wants. Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing. It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.
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Nobody Blows Paul McCartney Up In Israel, Not Even Once

by Stuart Heritage

Ha! Eat that, terrorists! It’s 2-0 to Paul McCartney – first for that godawful Freedom song he did and secondly for not getting blown up last night.

Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day!

Of course, Paul McCartney’s masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with “Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!” giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday’s Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added “Ramadan kareem” which, as we all know, is Arabic for “Not the face! Not the face!”

Ha! Eat that, terrorists! It's 2-0 to Paul McCartney - first for that godawful Freedom song he did and secondly for not getting blown up last night. Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day! Of course, Paul McCartney's masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with "Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!" giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday's Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added "Ramadan kareem" which, as we all know, is Arabic for "Not the face! Not the face!"
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Paul McCartney Hires Every Single Bodyguard In The Universe

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney has often fanned the flames of hatred in the Middle East – after all, what is Silly Love Songs if not a vitriolic tirade against Islam?

And because of this, Paul McCartney’s concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances – which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That’s even more that George Bush needed.

The message of this is clear – although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney’s got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won’t be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.

Paul McCartney has often fanned the flames of hatred in the Middle East - after all, what is Silly Love Songs if not a vitriolic tirade against Islam? And because of this, Paul McCartney's concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances - which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That's even more that George Bush needed. The message of this is clear - although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney's got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won't be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.
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Paul McCartney Tells Islam To Stick Its Death Threats Up Its Bum

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney’s concert in Israel next week could be his last – and not because he’ll soil himself getting to the high note in Hey Jude and retire out of shame.

No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney’s last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they’re going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there.

However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened PaulMcCartney’s resolve – not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he’s even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglas Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.

Paul McCartney's concert in Israel next week could be his last - and not because he'll soil himself getting to the high note in Hey Jude and retire out of shame. No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney's last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they're going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there. However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened PaulMcCartney's resolve - not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he's even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglas Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.
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Paul McCartney Vs Gordon Ramsay! Sort Of!

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney, the former Beatle who looks most like your nan, usually only likes to fight people with fewer legs than him.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

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Heather Mills finds Non-Saggy, Non-Geriatric Biped to Tolerate Her

by hecklerspray staff

You know when you fill out a job application and you have to answer questions like, Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Would you be willing to submit to random drug testing? Would you be willing to feign attraction to a volatile, squeaky voiced woman with three remaining limbs, who will likely take her drawers off to get you not to eat meat?

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

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