Most men in Paul McCartney's position would have spent the last week sitting at home in the dark forlornly wondering how they ever let a catch like Heather Mills slip through their fingers.

Not Paul McCartney, though, now that his divorce is finalised, he's flown off to the Caribbean to jam his tongue down the throat of his American millionaire friend Nancy Shevell in front of some probably fairly nauseated holidaymakers.

So congratulations to Paul McCartney for moving on. True, Nancy Shevell might not regularly scream the word 'paedophile!' on breakfast TV in a funny voice, nor did she embark on a gruesome 1980s soft-porn career, not does her mouth wriggle sinisterly up one side of her face when she tries to smile, but Paul McCartney was never going to hit the jackpot twice in a row, was he?

We'd have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling - and not just so we could puke on everyone's food and make them ill.

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge's full ruling.

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth - now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much makes makes all sorts of lofty unsubstantiated claims about herself.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either - the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

As a former massive-haired gelatine penis-gobbling 1980s naked model, Heather Mills is pretty much class all over.

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What's that? She didn't? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god - for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

The Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is all over, with Paul McCartney £24.3 million poorer and Heather Mill's £24.3 million more obnoxiously smug.

The judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce this afternoon revealed his judgement, and Heather Mills immediately ran to the nearest group of microphones to explain exactly how she felt.

We've got video of Heather Mills' speech after the jump, but rest assured she's as contradictory, self-congratulatory, bitter and confusing as you'd expect her to be. True, Heather Mills didn't start screeching the word 'Paedophile!' over and over in the voice of an angry mouse - the first time she hasn't done this in front of a camera for about 18 months - but it was a decent performance nonetheless.

Today is a momentous day - it's the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever - we're pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she's not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she's been awarded - but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

Now that his divorce from Heather Mills is almost complete, Paul McCartney gets to be just another boring old cakey-faced pensioner who we can forget about again.

But wait! Paul McCartney isn't going down without a fight. Although his personal life has stopped being exciting and his best professional work is light years behind him, Paul McCartney still has one constant to endlessly bang on about.

His vegetarianism. Which is why it's no surprise that Paul McCartney has just done a PETA advert explaining why he doesn't eat meat. At least it's not one of those adverts where he poses naked to protest animal cruelty, though - one glimpse of Paul McCartney's saggy buttocks and we'd have torn through a zoo popping everything in the face with the back of a shovel just to quell the nausea.

Circle March 17 on your calender - that's when outcome of the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce will be revealed, and who doesn't enjoy circling dates when bitter divorces between two essentially unlikeable people stumble to a close?

But that's not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.

That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn't enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?