The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That’s right, it isn’t one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn’t exist! Roll on February 29th!
And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (© The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.
But the mass global event we’re all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.
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Ringo Starr, quite possibly still going around warning everyone with ‘peace and love’, is opening and closing his mouth again, letting words tumble out and reminding everyone that he once provided the voice for Thomas The Tank Engine and friends.
He’s also nattering about his famous chum, Sir Paul McCartney.
Apparently, the 10th best drummer in The Beatles (after John Lennon, Sir Macca, George Harrison, George Martin, Billy Preston, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Yoko Ono, Astrid Kirchherr and that arhythmic dripping tap in studio 2 of Abbey Road) is still in close contact with the only useful living member of the Fab Four.
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Paul McCartney is bringing a new album out. There’s a phrase that hasn’t caused too much excitement since Wings were knee-high to a grasshopper. Unless, of course, you’re a bloated Beatle fanatic who is unable to hear any criticism against any of the Fabs. Ever.
Unless it’s Ringo.
The fact remains, Macca is going to stick a new LP out on 7th February and he’s doing a whole bunch of cover versions because, sadly for him, he’s run out of ideas. The last vague hit he had was ‘Dance Tonight’ and that was thoroughly poo.
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The McCartney family have done alright for themselves haven’t they? Weird that those related to a Beatle should make it completely off their own bat, eh? No help from famous papa there at all! Nope. Never.
Anyway, the child that has done the best is Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella. She likes making clothes that you can’t afford.
Now, she’s created a perfume in tribute to her mother, Linda, which is an absolute godsend for people who like to make snide jokes about the deceased.
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Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.
Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.
Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.
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Paul McCartney is all set to headline the opening ceremony of London 2012 Olympic Games alongside other British music stars who probably aren’t nearly as good. Unless they get Girls Aloud on which would be amazing.
The Beatle has told organisers of London 2012 he is “up for” playing at the opener, but which songs he will play is yet to be seen. Or organised at all probably. And Ringo Starr won’t be there, which is simultaneously a shame and of little consequence.
But which songs should Macca consider? Sure, he’s got a massive back catalogue to play with, but there’s some cheeky tracks that are less famous that he should really think about including.
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We despair about living in England. Out of every country in the world, we are the only nation that takes pride in former glories and absolutely nothing else. We’ve got nothing to look forward to. Nothing.
And when it comes to music, no band takes our regressive national pride to stalker-levels like The Beatles. It’s an actual fact that people in Liverpool aren’t christened in holy water. Instead, melted down Beatles records are used to make sure any young child gets a proper passage into the world we live in.
Even though the fab four haven’t made a record for decades (seriously! What’s George Harrison up to these days? Nothing. Lazy oaf!) it hasn’t stopped rock n’ roll granddad Paul McCartney from muscling in with his ideas on how an ageing band with no relevance on modern music can help creating an exciting opening Olympic ceremony. Where’s Mark Chapman when you need him?
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Since John and George died, there’s been something of a tussle over who can be the funniest remaining Beatle. Paul McCartney is just too wacky to be properly funny, so that means, by default, Ringo gets the crown, right?
Well, sadly for Ringo, he seems to be suffering from an onset on dementia.
Of course, our Ring’ became something of a laughing stock when he warned us all with ‘peace and love’ not to send him any more gifts (how can anyone top those paintings Marge Simpson did of him?). Then he went and vaguely slagged off Liverpool. He’s priceless isn’t he? Well, now he’s slagging Paul McCartney off. Next, we assume he’ll be pissing on Lennon’s grave.
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