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Party

Pete Doherty Will Play Your Party For £100

by Stuart Heritage

Do you have a birthday party coming up? Or a work bash? Maybe you just want someone to honk and wail and scare that gang of kids away from your front drive.

If so, you’re in luck – apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer’s dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child’s birthday party, it’d be an event they’d remember forever. True, they’d mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can’t say that’s not memorable.

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Vanity Fair Oscars Party Croaks It

by Stuart Heritage

For all the bluster yesterday that the Oscars would go on regardless of a continued writers’ strike, it now looks like actors have got nowhere to get hammered afterwards.

The Vanity Fair Oscars party – probably the most prestigious Oscar night party held by a magazine specifically for actresses to get trollied on free booze because they’re not as good as Cate Blanchett – has been cancelled.

It’s a blow to the credibility of the Oscars and no mistake – with no Vanity Fair party to go to, Elizabeth Hurley’s got nowhere to topple out of in front of some cameramen even though she’s never been able to make a film that hasn’t made us want to stab ourselves in the neck. Won’t someone think of Elizabeth Hurley?

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US Election Betting Odds: Winning Party

by C J Davies

You there! Fancy a ‘flutter’, do you?

Let’s face it – even if you ascribe to Bill Hicks’ philosophy that American politics is basically choosing which puppet can give the best impression of your beliefs (something Britain seems to have emulated too), then you might as well make a bit of cash out of this whole upcoming election shebang.

So we’re all doomed to Armageddon no matter who gets into office? Who cares? You’ve got a tenner that’s burning a hole in yer pocket, and you’ll be damned if you’re not going to do something election-based with it, right here, right now.

Let’s kick things off with the big boy, then: the betting odds for which party is going to win the 2008 US Presidential Election, as mapped out by those lovely people over at Paddy Power.

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Teenage Girl ‘Roasted’ By Man Utd Players At Xmas ‘Rape’ Party

by Paul Sorrenti

Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase ‘rape party’ is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was – also supposedly – given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let’s continue…

A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:

“I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men – together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex.”

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Kate Moss Might Have Taken Some More Drugs: Some Bloke

by Stuart Heritage

A supermodel taking drugs isn’t a massive surprise to anyone, less so when a supermodel takes drugs at a rave – but a supermodel’s rave-based drug-taking behaviour shocking a DJ? That hardly sounds right at all.

But it seems to be the case anyway. Two years after Kate Moss was hounded out of most of her modelling contracts following a picture of her possibly taking some drugs, it’s been claimed by a DJ that she’s at it again. Elliot Eastwick was the DJ at a recent party to celebrate Davinia Taylor’s 30th birthday, and he claims that throughout the party Kate Moss kept screaming things like “I want some gear!” “Get me some gear!” and “Who’s got the drugs?” – statements that seem innocuous enough to the average listener, but are all thought to be carefully-coded underworld slang-phrases that can only be understood by other drug-addicts which may or may not detail Kate Moss’ desire to take some drugs.

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Kate Moss Has A Party, Rest Of World Cries A Bit

by Stuart Heritage

One of the upsides to being the world’s most famous odd-looking supermodel is that you’re expected to be a bit raucous, which is perfectly fine unless you happen to live quite near Kate Moss when she’s doing it.

Now that it finally looks as if even Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have joined the rest of the world in not caring about the status of their relationship, Kate Moss has moved out of the home they shared together and into the mansion belonging to her friend Davinia Taylor, who was in Hollyoaks for a fraction of a second over a decade ago. Anyway, it seems like all Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor want to do is party all the time like a couple of hen-night pikeys in some grotty provincial town on 50p vodka-shot night, but Kate Moss’ new neighbours don’t share their enthusiasm. They’re so furious that they want to get the police and the government involved and stuff.

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