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Party

Diddy Defies Police Gun-Search, Leaves Quickly

by Shawn Lindseth

Sean Diddy Puffy Poof Combs is a true suburbs-hardened gangster with millions of dollars up his sleeves and several guns built right into his arms.

We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.

Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.

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Them Jonas Brothers Sure Do Love Barack Obama

by Stuart Heritage

Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic – The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee!

We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

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Miley Cyrus’ Dad Loves Her Much Older Knicker-Model Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party - with one notable exception. And, of course, that was Justin Gaston - the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus' special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It's not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn't go to Miley Cyrus' birthday party - he's too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something. But Miley Cyrus' dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't mind. He's heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.
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Miley Cyrus Has Big Dumb Disneyland 16th Birthday Party

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain – but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having!

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anthing as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain - but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having! This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus' parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions. As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well - Miley's dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anthing as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn't nause everything up by singing the world's worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.
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Jennifer Lopez Has Party For Husband, Seems To Want Medal For It

by Stuart Heritage

Fresh from riding a bike around Malibu and expecting everyone to be impressed, Jennifer Lopez has thrown a great big party for Marc Anthony’s 40th birthday.

We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn’t it? To look at his wizened old face we’d have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he’d led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him.

We don’t know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She’s the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she’s also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What’s that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.

Fresh from riding a bike around Malibu and expecting everyone to be impressed, Jennifer Lopez has thrown a great big party for Marc Anthony's 40th birthday. We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn't it? To look at his wizened old face we'd have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he'd led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him. We don't know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She's the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she's also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What's that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.
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Miley Cyrus to Host Massive Party: hecklerspray Trying to Get Guestlisted

by Ian Dransfield

You’d think we’d be bored of Miley Cyrus coverage by now. Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16. Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every [...]

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Britney Spears Goes Out, Shockingly Doesn’t Look A Mess

by Stuart Heritage

There are several ways to realise that Britney Spears has been in a bad way lately – one of them is to have eyes and/or ears.

Another way is to read the news today. You see, Britney Spears turned up at a charity party at Jim Carrey’s house this weekend not looking as if she’d spent the last month wide awake and screaming at the ceiling. And that’s a news story, apparently.

Of course it is – we all care about Britney Spears, so it goes without saying that everything she does should be held up as a shining example of what other mentally unwell, legally unfit mothers can be capable of with a nice dress, some expensive hair and make-up and a brief appearance at a movie star’s fancy charity party.

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Madonna Has A Party For Malawi

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna love Malawi, this much we know. Madonna loves Malawi like she loves horrific leotards and getting her arm muscles all veiny.

And that’s why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.

A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted – because now that Madonna’s helping to get Malawi richer, she’s effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.

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Pete Doherty Will Play Your Party For £100

by Stuart Heritage

Do you have a birthday party coming up? Or a work bash? Maybe you just want someone to honk and wail and scare that gang of kids away from your front drive.

If so, you’re in luck – apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer’s dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child’s birthday party, it’d be an event they’d remember forever. True, they’d mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can’t say that’s not memorable.

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Vanity Fair Oscars Party Croaks It

by Stuart Heritage

For all the bluster yesterday that the Oscars would go on regardless of a continued writers’ strike, it now looks like actors have got nowhere to get hammered afterwards.

The Vanity Fair Oscars party – probably the most prestigious Oscar night party held by a magazine specifically for actresses to get trollied on free booze because they’re not as good as Cate Blanchett – has been cancelled.

It’s a blow to the credibility of the Oscars and no mistake – with no Vanity Fair party to go to, Elizabeth Hurley’s got nowhere to topple out of in front of some cameramen even though she’s never been able to make a film that hasn’t made us want to stab ourselves in the neck. Won’t someone think of Elizabeth Hurley?

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