We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.

Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.

When you’re hanging with the likes of Sean Diddy Daddy Puff Puff Combs on at least a semi-regular basis, you can count on two things happening all the time. The first is that you’ll have to be extremely patient as he pretends to get vital information from mysterious government sources over his wrist watch. Then you’ll have to refer to him solely as James while you give him boosts into random building ventilation systems, which he’ll then crawl through army-style and sweaty looking for imaginary boxes with blinking lights.

The second thing you can always expect in his company is that you’ll probably get shot. You remember all his gun trouble from several years ago, right? Well so do the police. That’s why when he recently showed up to co-host a tediously hosted party – the cops wanted to frisk him.

Keep in mind they were frisking every single person who entered. The New York Post paints the picture for us:

“When Diddy arrived at 1:45 a.m. with a six-man entourage, a witness said he “flipped out” when cops asked to search him and his friends. “He went nuts, saying, ‘Why are you disrespecting me like this? Why are you doing this to me?’” Combs “stormed off and started to text DJ Clue asking, ‘What the [bleep] is going on?’ and asked if he could go in the back entrance.” When told that the cops would have to search him and his friends there as well, Combs decided not to attend the party.”

The common assumption seems to be that Combs was so anti-search because he and his men were armed to the teeth with guns, knives, explosives, elven bows and several coiled poison-snakes. The only people that know for sure are Diddy and his men. Plus the guy who probably lent him a rattler.

We think he went about this all wrong. If he wanted to get in with his guns he should have shot some people. When bullets are clearing your path you can pretty much go wherever you want.

Ask everybody in Iraq – they know.

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We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart’s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anything as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

Birthdays are the perfect time to reflect on your achievements. For instance, on our last birthday we reflected on the continued onset of male pattern baldness, our expanding paunch, the slow loss of elasticity in our facial tissue and the fact that we were successfully able to take another hopeless stride towards our inevitable death.

Miley Cyrus has a lot to reflect on, too – in the last year she’s released a blockbuster movie, posed for a set of sort-of naked photos for a glossy magazine and got herself romantically involved with a grown-up. But there’s a pretty good chance that Miley Cyrus didn’t actually pay much attention to any of that yesterday, because she was too busy gonking around on Space Mountain like a giddy toddler smashed off her face on artificial preservatives.

No doubt inspired by the gauche peacocking of My Super Sweet 16, the parents of Miley Cyrus yesterday decided to rent out the whole of Disneyland for Miley’s birthday. The whole of Disneyland. What did you get for your 16th? A family trip to the Wimpy? Ha – Miley Cyrus is so much better than you. AP reports:

The theme park was closed for the supersized soiree, which included a four-song performance by the teen queen and a fireworks display above Sleeping Beauty Castle and 16 giant inflatable candles. “Miley is really hard to surprise,” her father Billy Ray Cyrus said at the event.

Hard to surprise? Miley Cyrus shouldn’t be that hard to surprise – she’s lived her whole life in a sort of megarich celebrity bubble, so surprising her should be easy. Give her a shellsuit or a Saturday job at Primark, that’d probably do the trick.

We’re just kidding – of course Billy Ray Cyrus and his mysterious unnamed wife want the best for Miley Cyrus, and this should be reflected in their choice of birthday party for her, which we hear has a special ‘please don’t cut us off financially when you turn 18, we beg of you’ theme.

Anyway, this is probably all a bit premature, because Miley Cyrus doesn’t even turn 16 until November 23. Her actual birthday will be marked with a far more intimate affair – we hear Billy Ray Cyrus plans to send a giant nuclear-powered robot into space to punch the sun out for her or something.

We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn’t it? To look at his wizened old face we’d have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he’d led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him.

We don’t know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She’s the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she’s also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What’s that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.

Jennifer Lopez has had many men in her life. No really, she’s had loads of men. Loads of them. It’s borderline obscene. Ugh, Jennifer Lopez you dirty girl.

Anyway, none of these relationships have ever turned out to be very good. One husband tried to write a book about how Jennifer Lopez had sex until he was sued into submission. Other boyfriends have publicly declared their relationship with Jennifer Lopez to be the worst period of their lives. And, one poor unnamed sap lost his mind completely after being with Jennifer Lopez, and some say he can still be seen spinning round in his garden and screaming about politicians.

However, there is one man who Jennifer Lopez loves with all her heart, and that’s her current husband Marc Anthony. Jennifer and Marc do everything together – make substandard films, go on underwhelming tours, produce overpaid babies – and so it was always fair that, for Marc Anthony’s 40th birthday, Jennifer Lopez pulled out all the stops for a great big lovely birthday party for him.

Yes, this is news. Play along. People reports:

The party featured stripper Dita Von Teese, a salsa orchestra, mojitos and showgirls in feather headdresses,. The couple’s friends and family danced the night away, including Brooke Shields and husband Chris Henchy. Says Shields with a laugh: “Jennifer is amazing. I did a triathlon once in college but for me a triathlon is now eating, drinking and sleeping.” Adds pal Leah Remini, “The party is over the top. It’s pure Jennifer.”

Wow. Jennifer Lopez, Brooke Shields and the mouthy one from King of Queens all in the same room together. That sounds fun and not at all life-sapping. We’re sure Marc Anthony had a great time.

But still we think we understand the point of Jennifer Lopez’s party for Marc Anthony, and that point is ‘Hey, check Jennifer Lopez out!’ She’s a party organiser, a mother, an athlete, a wife, a singer, a dancer, an entrepreneur… is there anything that Jennifer Lopez can’t do?

What’s that? Star in films that don’t make us want to bludgeon our skulls in with housebricks? Yeah, that’s it. We knew there was something.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

Another way is to read the news today. You see, Britney Spears turned up at a charity party at Jim Carrey’s house this weekend not looking as if she’d spent the last month wide awake and screaming at the ceiling. And that’s a news story, apparently.

Of course it is – we all care about Britney Spears, so it goes without saying that everything she does should be held up as a shining example of what other mentally unwell, legally unfit mothers can be capable of with a nice dress, some expensive hair and make-up and a brief appearance at a movie star’s fancy charity party.

One of the most heartening things about 2008 has been Britney Spears’ gradual rehabilitation. It was just a few short months ago, remember, that Britney got naked and held her son hostage in a locked bathroom until the authorities came and wheeled her away to a psychiatric hospital for urgent treatment. But now everything’s just rosy.

True, Britney Spears has just lost custody of her children forever, her last CD bombed and she still can’t be trusted to spend any of her money without her father’s permission, but it’s a long hard road. With a lot of time, hard work and dedication, we might even be able to see the old Britney Spears again before long – you know, the Britney who vomited up a lot and thought she was the devil. They were golden times.

Things certainly look good for Britney Spears, because last weekend she attended a party at Jim Carrey’s house to raise funds for the child autism charity he’s so heavily involved with. What’s more, she was wearing all her clothes the right way round and didn’t once try and smash anything up with an umbrella. The Telegraph reports:

“She looked great and seemed really happy,” a guest told a US magazine at the party held at the actor Jim Carrey’s home in California. He said she kept close to her assistant and didn’t speak to other guests, but seemed happy and relaxed. “She smiled and clapped during the video about autism,” he added.

OK, so maybe Britney hasn’t completely recovered yet – smiling and clapping during a heartrending video presentation about child illness sounds like the work of a very special type of weirdo – but we can still see signs that Britney Spears is definitely getting better.

She didn’t talk to any of the other guests at the party, for example. That’s great news – Britney clearly understands that even 30 seconds of conversation with Jim Carrey when he’s being all over-exaggerated and earnest is enough to send even the most sturdy-minded individual into a shrieking spiral of tormented madness. We should take this as a positive.

And that's why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.

A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted – because now that Madonna's helping to get Malawi richer, she's effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.

With the writers' strike threatening awards shows left right and centre, there haven't really been that many chances for lots of very famous people to mill around each other while silently cursing because Demi Moore's ankles are fractionally thinner than their own – but luckily Madonna has saved the day.

And it's all thanks to the shitty time that everyone in Malawi is having. On Wednesday night Madonna was the host of a party at the United Nations designed to help her charity Raising Malawi and UNICEF, and the place was overflowing with big names all dressed up to the nines, even if we suspect that most of them think that Malawi is a character from The Lion King. E! Online reports:

"I want to put Raising Malawi on the map," Madonna told E! News on why she decided to host the fund-raising evening. "I want to help vulnerable children around the world and to get other people to do the same." The evening was a combination dinner and live auction to raise money for the charity, followed by a cocktail party complete with requisite A-list musical guests… "I think it's incredible. It's so inspiring, and it makes everything else not seem so important and that's why we're here," [Gwen] Stefani told E! News.

There's a pretty good chance that Gwen Stefani was talking about jotting down what Madonna was wearing and then ripping it off on the cover of her next album rather than the whole Malawi thing, but let's not worry about that.

The biggest draw of the night was Madonna's auction, where people paid $350,000 for a trip to a sports stadium and a football lesson from David Beckham. The best result of the evening, though, was the 'tour with Madonna and then have a dancing lesson with Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow' lot, where someone effectively paid $600,000 to watch Madonna annoy the Pope and only ever shit through a brand-new toilet seat.

All in all, Madonna's Malwai party raised $3.7 million, even if it drew criticism for all the blatant advertising for Gucci plastered everywhere. Although it's not known where all the money raised will go, it's thought that it'll be split 50/50 between inhumanely punishing the people in Malawi who didn't want her to adopt David Banda a couple of years ago and erecting a giant wall around the perimeter of the country to stop Angelina Jolie from swooping in and adopting all the babies.

Those babies are Madonna's! You hear that, Angelina? They belong to Madonna now!

Read more:

Madonna & Friends Raise Funds for Malawi – E! Online 

If so, you're in luck – apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer's dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child's birthday party, it'd be an event they'd remember forever. True, they'd mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can't say that's not memorable.

It's not a new thing for entertainers to play private functions. George Michael charges £1.5 million for a private concert, while Christina Aguilera and Shakira are also happy to accept vast sums of cash to jiggle their bits for wealthy Russians. Pete Doherty, on the other hand, has been reduced to playing parties for £100 a pop. And somehow that still feels like a rip-off.

Even though it's basically a slightly upscale version of giving 50p to a tramp even though he'll inevitably run off and spend it on drugs, The Sun reports that Pete Doherty recently played a concert for a girl's party and now he's in hot demand:

A source said: "The birthday girl’s dad told him she was a huge fan and that he’d give him £100 to perform at her party. Pete was flattered and happy to oblige. He turned up and played his big hits. Everyone had a great time. Some partygoers asked him when he was going to start making dogs out of balloons. He took it in good humour. It made her day and now she’s a very popular girl with her pals. Her dad told the local paper and Pete has been bombarded with requests to play since."

OK, we can see a few problems with this story:

1) It assumes that Pete Doherty turned up for concert and managed to play his guitar for a decent length of time without collapsing, puking on his shoes or squirting blood into someone's eye. Everyone knows this has never happened.

2) The girl is apparently now 'popular with her pals' because Pete Doherty played at her party. If this is true, then we'd guess she has some ridiculously easily-impressed friends who'd have been just as thrilled if she'd simply hung some brightly-coloured objects from string in front of a window instead.

3) 'Pete played his big hits.' Like what? Name one big Pete Doherty hit. Hum one. You can't. Unless The Sun meant hits of heroin, of course. £100 to watch a grubbily vague man painfully reenact his harrowing descent into the clutches of morbid drug addiction in front of some children? OK, actually that does sound like quite the bargain.

But regardless of this, you have to admit that £100 is not a lot of money at all to get a man of Pete Doherty's notoriety to turn up at your party. But if Pete wants to maximise on this sudden popularity, he'd better move fast – by mid-March we're pretty sure we'll be able to get Amy Winehouse to do the same thing for 20p and a Curly Wurly.

Read more:

Pay £100 to hire Pete Doherty – The Sun 

The Vanity Fair Oscars party – probably the most prestigious Oscar night party held by a magazine specifically for actresses to get trollied on free booze because they're not as good as Cate Blanchett – has been cancelled.

It's a blow to the credibility of the Oscars and no mistake – with no Vanity Fair party to go to, Elizabeth Hurley's got nowhere to topple out of in front of some cameramen even though she's never been able to make a film that hasn't made us want to stab ourselves in the neck. Won't someone think of Elizabeth Hurley?

The Oscars, it's fair to say, are up in the air this year. And that's got everything to do with the writers' strike. If the writers' strike continues then the Oscars will go the same way as the Golden Globes with no stars attending, no clips of movies shown, no witty between-gong banter scripted and – worst of all – Atonement winning something.

But some are saying that the writers' strike will be over by the weekend, and if that's the case then the Oscars will be business as usual – full of trussed-up actors and actresses parading up and down a red carpet talking about what an important job they do as if they all worked down the mines. And even though half the stars invited didn't turn up, Monday's Oscar luncheon reflected this bullish 'business as usual' attitude with aplomb.

However, it's not going to be business as usual for the Oscars. And that's because Vanity Fair has decided to cancel its traditional Oscars party. E! Online reports:

"After much consideration, and in support of the writers and everyone else affected by this strike, we have decided that this is not the appropriate year to hold our annual Oscar party," the New York-based magazine said in a statement. "We want to congratulate all of this year’s nominees and we look forward to hosting our 15th Oscar party next year." A VF spokeswoman wouldn't say how much money the mag is losing by scrapping the party so close to showtime, but she said that much of the materials that have been ordered can be used next year. 

Like sandwiches, for example. They'll keep for another year. And over the next 12 months the giant ice sculpture of an Oscar statue ordered by Vanity Fair might warp and buckle until it starts to look like Danny DeVito on The View, but screw it. Those famous bastards don't know they're born anyway. 

So with no Vanity Fair party to go to, what's left for the celebrities to go to after the Oscars? Well, there's always Elton John's AIDS fundraiser – but who wants to think about something as mopey as AIDS when they've just won a sparkly golden man for memorising some words better than anyone else? And then there's the Governors Ball held by the Academy, but that just sounds like it'll be full of retired colonial bombardiers with gout. So that means that stars can either make their own entertainment or do an Eddie Murphy and bugger off home immediately after they don't win. 

Of course, the worst-hit by the death of the Vanity Fair Oscars party are the British breakfast TV presenters whose only job is to stand by the entrance of the Vanity Fair party and shout "George! George! Angelina! Keira!" at stars as they walk past ignoring them. Without the Vanity Fair Oscars party to cover, chances are you'll see them standing outside your local Argos on the morning of February 25 trying to interview a tramp because he looks a bit like Nick Nolte. Won't someone think of the tramps?

Read more:

Oscars Strike Out with Vanity Fair - E! Online 

Let’s face it – even if you ascribe to Bill Hicks’ philosophy that American politics is basically choosing which puppet can give the best impression of your beliefs (something Britain seems to have emulated too), then you might as well make a bit of cash out of this whole upcoming election shebang.

So we’re all doomed to Armageddon no matter who gets into office? Who cares? You’ve got a tenner that’s burning a hole in yer pocket, and you’ll be damned if you’re not going to do something election-based with it, right here, right now.

Let’s kick things off with the big boy, then: the betting odds for which party is going to win the 2008 US Presidential Election, as mapped out by those lovely people over at Paddy Power.

Republican Party (Odds: 7-4)

Anyone with a base grasp of world affairs – so Big Brother contestants can look away now – will be aware that the Republicans presently hold office by virtue of grinning simpleton George W. Bush.

This is something of a disappointing low point in their legacy thus far. Even if you don’t agree with their politics, any party that can count Ulysses S. Grant - a name surely on a par with Hercules T. Magnificent or Jesus Q. Megatron – among their past leaders has it least got it right in the impressive-sounding stakes. Being British, we don’t really know anything about old Ulysses here at hecklerspray, except for the fact that he was apparently known for ‘tolerating financial and politician corruption among top aides.’ Hey – maybe he’s not so different from Georgie-boy after all.

George won’t be eligible for president this time around, though, as a) American rules forbid any president ruling for more than two terms, and b) he has a lot of colouring-in to catch up on. And those Garfield And Friends puzzle books don’t fill themselves in, you know.  He’ll be replaced by either John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudolph Giuliani, Ron Paul, Fred Thompson or the terrifying Mike Huckabee. We’ll be going further in depth about these fellows soon enough, but for now all you need to know is that the Republican Winning Odds stand at 7-4.

Democrat Party – 2-5

The oldest political party in the United States, you can trace the roots of this organisation way back to 1792, roughly around the same time Jackie Collins was born. Left-leaning and liberal, the Democrats generally tend not to take such a rabidly knee-jerk view of things as their main political rivals, and rank John F Kennedy as among their previous leaders.

Certain party figureheads, though, have been quite fond of inserting cigars into the vaginas of young lady interns, which last time we checked isn’t common practise in any workplace we know (JJB Sports have yet to get back to us on the matter). And it hasn’t been a total success story over the years – there’ve been quite a few election losses, including two by Adlai Stevenson (who kind of made up for it by having a Sufjan Stevens song written about him).

Last time the Democrats were running for office, they made the insane choice of having John Kerry as their leader – a man who decided to act as a refreshing alternative to the war-crazy government by waffling on about Vietnam all the time and saluting every baby he was handed to kiss. This time around, however, it could either be Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama or John Edwards trying to grab votes. As with the Repubs, there’ll be more on them from us soon, but in the meantime you just pay attention to those 2-5 betting odds, mister.

Paddy Power Election Betting Odds

A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:

"I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men – together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex."

A completely invented – by us, just now – rumour has suggested that the players involved were Dutch goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar, Irish utility man John O’Shea, Argentine bull-dog Carlos Tevez, assistant manager Carlos Queiroz with his pet hyena Hermione and Gary Neville – the apparent ringleader – who had previously shocked revellers at the bash at Great St. John Street Hotel by turning up in a flowing cape and Venetian carnival papier-mache mask.

From the same unfounded source came the news that Mr Tevez, who is still working hard on his English, took the slang term ‘roasting’ a little too literally and was given a stern telling off when Neville caught him pre-heating the oven to gas mark six. The impressionable Tevez commented that he had found the apparent order to murder the girl a little strange, and was literally delighted to learn the true definition of the word. The witness continued:

"The men were shrieking like hyenas and shouting, 'Get in there'. My mate and I sat shocked as it was so vile. After a few minutes the men filed out of the room laughing, and rushed downstairs for more booze. The girl then came staggering out boasting she had just had sex with all the men. She was clearly very drunk and very pretty, and probably about 19 years old. I was shocked by the idea there had been an orgy at the party. It felt so sleazy."

Said the girl, as she sold her story to the national tabloid with a daily circulation of about 3.1 million.

OK, enough of the nonsense. Not one player has been named or linked to the orgy, we made that Gary Neville thing up, believe it or not; there was no cape or papier-mache mask and, however much we’d love to believe it, Carlos Queiroz does not own a pet Hyena called Hermione.

So don’t believe what we’ve said. But try not to believe what this self-proclaimed gossiping witness says either; are we really to believe that – in the throes of sexual ecstasy – a professional footballer would actually shout "get in there," shriek like a hyena and cap it all off with a round of applause? Even if that footballer was Gary Neville? Well…

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But it seems to be the case anyway. Two years after Kate Moss was hounded out of most of her modelling contracts following a picture of her possibly taking some drugs, it's been claimed by a DJ that she's at it again. Elliot Eastwick was the DJ at a recent party to celebrate Davinia Taylor's 30th birthday, and he claims that throughout the party Kate Moss kept screaming things like "I want some gear!" "Get me some gear!" and "Who's got the drugs?" – statements that seem innocuous enough to the average listener, but are all thought to be carefully-coded underworld slang-phrases that can only be understood by other drug-addicts which may or may not detail Kate Moss' desire to take some drugs. 

Kate Moss is getting it from all sides at the moment. While the rest of her life should spent in a state of constant bliss because she doesn't have to wake up and see Pete Doherty's puffy, scab-covered old lady's face every morning, it seems like people are lining up to take the shine off Kate Moss' day.

First Kate Moss' eyelashes got reprimanded for being unnaturally telescopic, then all of St John's Wood ganged up to tell the world what a crummy neighbour Kate Moss is – and now a DJ has decided to tell the press about a bunch of drug-taking antics he claims to have seen Kate Moss get up to recently.

Apparently Elliot Eastwick, who was the DJ at bog-roll heiress Davinia Taylor's recent 30th birthday, saw Kate Moss get up to so much shocking drug-based behaviour that he had no choice but to tell whichever newspaper would buy his story for the most money. Highlights of Eastwick's interview include:

"She was a total nightmare. It was obvious she was on drugs. I've seen enough drugged-up people to know."

"Kate pulled some poppers out of her handbag and started snorting them in really heavily. It went straight to her head. You could see her loll as it took effect."

"She grabbed my lower arm, pulled me towards her and yelled, 'Who's got the drugs?' I told her I didn't know and I didn't have any, but she said, 'I want some gear. Get me some gear. You're a DJ, you must have some'. She was tapping on a record sleeve in the motion of someone racking up lines of coke. It was obvious what she was after."

If any of this is true – and at the moment the only evidence around is the word of a DJ we've never heard of – then Kate Moss should really know better. It was just two years ago that her career was almost ended by a grainy photograph of her seeming to snort up drugs, and for new allegations to come out so soon after she's managed to haul her career upright again smacks of either irresponsibility, deep stupidity or both. Because of one alleged moment of madness, Kate Moss risks losing everything – and for good this time.

On the plus side, if this happened it'd mean we wouldn't have to hear Kate Moss mimble "Get the London look" like some sort of pikey fieldmouse every 15 minutes in her useless Rimmel adverts. In fact, we'd probably crawl through her window and plant drugs in all her clothes if we knew it'd mean she'd stop making those bloody things. 

Now that it finally looks as if even Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have joined the rest of the world in not caring about the status of their relationship, Kate Moss has moved out of the home they shared together and into the mansion belonging to her friend Davinia Taylor, who was in Hollyoaks for a fraction of a second over a decade ago. Anyway, it seems like all Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor want to do is party all the time like a couple of hen-night pikeys in some grotty provincial town on 50p vodka-shot night, but Kate Moss' new neighbours don't share their enthusiasm. They're so furious that they want to get the police and the government involved and stuff.

Thanks to Kate Moss' new TopShop range – and the obligatory window-sized posters of Kate Moss staring off vacantly into the middle-distance like she's trying to work out basic arithmetic that go with it – we can't walk past a branch of the store without thinking that Kate Moss is our giant, vacant, two-dimensional neighbour. And that alone is a terrifying thought – so imagine what really living next to Kate Moss must actually be like.

Even though it might appear to be a blessing that Kate Moss doesn't live with Pete Doherty any more – at least the place doesn't smell like blocked drains or sound like this bloody awful noise – now Kate Moss has moved in with toilet-roll heiress and one-time actress Davinia Taylor, things have only got worse for her neighbours.

Apparently Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor like to use their St John's Wood mansion to kid themselves that they're young again, by listening to loud music and singing and having guests like Liam Gallagher over at all hours. And even though you'd think that the natural reaction to seeing Liam Gallagher, Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor titting around together in St John's Wood would be to rub your eyes and wonder if you've fallen asleep and woken up in 1996, it seems that local residents haven't been doing that at all.

In fact, local residents are so angry with Kate Moss' parties that we'd almost feel sorry for them if only they didn't live in St John's Wood and were therefore all bastards. Like this one, 61-year-old Diane Macintosh, who told reporters:

"I don't want anything to do with them. Since they have come it has been impossible to live here. Everybody has been complaining, especially those with children. I can assure you everyone on this street is angry. I have written to the MP and to the police – everyone I can think of. It has been absolute hell since they came over. They sleep all day and go out all night. My son is going to write them a letter explaining the trouble they have caused."

Quite right too – and we're sure that the day Kate Moss learns to read she'll immediately see the error of her ways and calm down.

However, a noisy neighbour is a noisy neighbour – and the best way to fight fire is with more fire – so perhaps the residents on St John's Wood should start thinking about making a din of their own when Kate Moss is trying to sleep to see how she likes it. So if you're in the area one day and you hear a bunch of deafening harpsichord music or people making grilled halloumi cous-cous tagines really loudly, then you know it's just the good people of St John's Wood fighting back.