In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby’s name, Blue Ivy.

We’re not sure if we’re allowed to even write ‘Blue Ivy’ without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually…

Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.

This patent furore is proof positive that they still, one month on, think that Blue Ivy is a good name, rather than the stripper-endorsed-detergent fuckstorm that it clearly is.

We were unsure of the bloody point of this whole ridiculous faff, until some random family law expert who has absolutely no connection to the Beyonc’Jays piped up on MTV (of all bloody places):

“Seeking the trademark forestalls competitors from using the child’s name and or third parties from attempting to sell the baby’s name back to the couple. They are likely trying to protect what they rightfully own or created, shall we say, by trademarking Blue Ivy’s name.”

See! It’s not mental or weird to brand your baby! It’s just a totally reasonable action, as long as you believe that having mixed up your sperm’n’egg cocktail and made a person grants you ownership not only over them, but over random, dreadful, clunking couplings of words.

In the spirit of the Beyonc’Jays’ flagrant madness, we’d like to announce that we are pre-emptively trademarking these names, for any future lovechildren that may emerge from the hecklerspray loins after we’re done huddling together for warmth:

• Bum Twaddle
• Green Flange
• Edna Deathray.
• Masonic Groatherder
• Elongated Gusset
• Extension Plug Waffler
• Sneaky Toothexplosion
• Barkquis HundredHandSlap
• Kenny Flymo
• Clodhopper P. Kneesupport
• James Parker

Outstanding idea, thanks, Beyonc’Jays!

Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Hova and Bey stayed out ’til arout 4 am at Jiggaman’s club 40/40 according to various people staring at some drunk celebrities, clearly having nothing better to do with their evening.

An obviously concerned source noted that Beyonce attended the afterparty:

“She arrived with her mother, Tina Knowles ,” and her mother-in-law, Gloria Carter. After “sprinting through a side entrance” shortly before midnight, Beyoncé toured the club for the first time since its renovation”

So far, so spectacularly dull.

However, Beyonce was seen sipping ‘what appeared to be a glass of bubbly’ around 3am, while tottering around in a cleavage-erupting red dress and embroidered Christian Louboutin shoes like some kind of expensive prostitute… and all the while, Jay stuck around ’til kicking-out time, throwing drinks down his famous, but irresponsible neck with Nas and some marketing bozo called Steve Stoute.

All the while, Blue Ivy was nowhere to be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.

We can only hope for that poor, poor child’s sake, that she won’t be left to fend for herself in the wild again with her awful parents off having the time of their lives like they don’t have an obligation to look after their newborn.

This is all incredibly troubling. It seems Jay Z meant it when he rapped ‘I got 99 problems but my newly born daughter ain’t one’.

We’re legally obliged to parody 99 Problems. Sorry.

Caught with his trousers well and truly ’round his ankles, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the doghouse for a while now. After keeping a child of his secret, which he had with the maid, you’d assume that he would re-emerge more graceful and humble.

However, subtlety isn’t one of Arnie’s strong points, as his consistently hilarious acting career has pointed out time and time again.

Of course, The Terminator is going through a rather sticky divorce, and he’s already playing hardball. Basically, he’s decided that he doesn’t want to pay his beleaguered soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, any spousal support. That’s nice of him isn’t, baring in mind that this situation is entirely his fault.

As well as having sex with the maid, Arnie has a bit of a reputation for being a bit ‘handsy’ when it comes to the ladies (he’s rumoured to be something of an ass worshipper, although we can’t confirm if he has a giant pair of golden buttocks as a shrine in his house… but he probably has) so this news wasn’t exactly shocking.

That said, this child, who he kept secret for a decade, hasn’t exactly made a good impression on a world who already thought he had a rather questionable reputation.

It goes without saying that, should Arnold stick his heels in over spousal support, he can expect to be coughing up an extremely large amount of pennies in an out-of-court settlement.

Thoughtfully, some source will eventually come forward and tell us how much money it takes to make Maria Shriver think that Schwarzenegger is sufficiently sorry.

In Hollywood, remorse is measure in dollars.

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While Arnold Schwarzenegger sits in an unlit room, weeping over a photograph of the family he tore to pieces like a baddie in a blockbuster, we’ve all been wondering what the fresh hell Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena has to say about her secret love-child with the former governor of California.

She’s been showing a rare, dignified silence whilst working out who was going to pay her the most money to talk about the time Arnie forgot to pop a condom on.

And now, Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper has decided to speak up about it all, noting that she only told her son who daddy was about a year ago, which is nice isn’t it?

So, Patty Baena has been keeping something of a low profile since a tabloid feeding pool went nutso about Arnie’s infidelity. It seems everyone has had something to say about it while she sat gawping at her son, muttering ‘Jesus. He really does look like him these days. The poor sod.’

All the while, Arnold’s marriage, a quarter of a century long, imploded with his wife Maria Shriver, feeling stupid for ever trusting him in the first place.

In an interview published by Howdy! magazine, Baena said that, when she told him who his real father was, he simply said:

“Cool!”

We assume he then ran to his room, told all his mates from school and then realised that his identity crisis was about to engulf him and tap into great reserves of melancholy, which could easily be fixed by huge sums of money from a certain star of Terminator.

Patty wasn’t actually sure that Arnie was the father, but she started to see a resemblance as Joseph grew older.

“It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he (Arnold) wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

Of course he didn’t. He’s a cowardly piss of a man. Still, at least Maria Shriver was a little stronger. See, Patty says that Maria had her suspicions and decided to ask Baena point-blank. When she heard the truth…

“She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

Well, it is fair to assume that Arnold can take at least half of the blame, unless Baena… y’know? Let’s not go there, right. That’d be a scoop though, eh? Schwarzenegger raped by feeble housekeeper would be an astonishing headline.

Oh well. That’s what we could’ve won.

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Isn’t it funny that actors get so uppity when they’re caught with their pants down? They usually howl that mistresses are telling stories for little more than financial gain. Ironic given that is exactly what actors do for a living. As such, we shouldn’t be surprised when it transpires they’ve been hoodwinking us with a lie.

Of course, this is all revolving around Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wandering member. Make your own Sperminator jokes.

However, because we’re all cooing and hooting at this sorry tale, apparently it makes us all rather racist. Is it because we constantly mention Arnie’s funny talking voice? Nope. It’s because we’re only interested in the story because he had sex with a Hispanic woman.

That’s right folks! You thought you were interested in all this because Arnold had managed to keep a love-child secret for well over a decade, humiliating his wife and making even more of a mockery of his political career as Governor of California. You thought you were showing such interest because he really couldn’t stand the thought of wearing a condom while ravaging his maid.

You’re wrong. Says who?

Says Mildred “Patty” Baena’s 27-year-old daughter, Jackie Rozo, that’s who. And no, before you ask, Arnie isn’t her father. Well, not that we know of yet.

She reckons that Arnie and Patty’s relationship is:

“just a big thing because she’s Hispanic, and he’s a celebrity.”

Really? Have you been sniffing aerosols Jackie? Don’t you understand that this would be an equally big noise if the woman in question was caucasian?

Although, in fairness, the fact that Baena is Hispanic does make for an amusing take on the Arnold catchphrase of “Hasta la vista, baby.” If you didn’t know, that means ‘See you later, baby’, which he truly did… and how!

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is not having a good week. Sure, he’s getting loads of press, but alas, everyone thinks he’s a massive, callous, sneaky, lying weapon… as opposed to a bumbling, funny-talking, lovable weapon.

And now he’s upset a man who can’t speak English properly.

That’s right, the ex-husband of the Mildred Baena, who Arnie successfully impregnated, was under the assumption that he was the father of the child – but now he thinks about it, was surprised it spoke in an Austrian accent and was able to lift up the coffee table with one hand when only 6 weeks old.

Rogelia Baena thought the now 13-year-old boy he raised with Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena was his and he’s even listed as the father on the birth certificate. Having seen Mildred’s face, you can’t blame Rogelia for not suspecting that she might have had sex with the incredibly wealthy Arnie.

He told US show Entertainment Tonight about how angry he felt when he discovered that the boy wasn’t his, but rather, the seed of The Terminator.

Speaking in broken English, he said:

‘No believe.’

Shame on you for tittering at a man who can’t be bothered to learn our stupid, illogical language properly.

Mildred filed for divorce from Rogelia in 2008, who hasn’t seen the boy in a year, but insisted:

‘That is my son.’

He added:

‘Arnold Schwarzenegger is, for me … was my hero. Now, I feel betrayed.’

All this time, it appears that Patty didn’t tell her family who the kid’s real dad was and that they heard about it all when it broke in the news. Oof!

A Pena family source notes that they’re sympathetic with regards to Arnie’s soon-to-be ex, Maria Shriver:

‘Maria would always make sure to help us, even with little things, gifts, Christmas stuff, things like that, and now we end up making her go through this crap because of Patty. It’s not cool.

‘The family is not happy with Patty right now because she never told us or warned us and now we have to deal with all this attention.’

Mercifully, all this horrible trauma will be forgotten by we – the public – in no time at all, meaning we can get on with our lives while everyone involved directly has horrible, gut-wrenching feelings for years to come.

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Hey! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Has your regret and sorrow turned into anger? Are you now pacing around your luxury stud-pad in your luminous thong, gritting your teeth and wondering who leaked the story on you? Political enemies? Movie producers you’ve crossed in the past?

Looking for a conspiracy theory to help aid your feeling that someone has it in for you, trying to damage your good reputation?

Well, unlucky. See, the person who had it in for you is the woman you scorned. That’s right. If you want to know who told the world about your illicit affair with a maid and resulting child, then look no further than Maria Shriver – the wife you managed to upset to the point where she wanted to bury you up to your own neck in your own shit. Right? It’s a hoot isn’t it?!

That’s right Arnie! It isn’t exactly surprising that your love-child story was leaked to the press (that’s us, and yes, we’re massively snarky and gigantic hypocrites! It’s hilarious isn’t it?) by your soon-to-be ex-wife’s people. That’s the sooon-to-be ex-wife who could well be $20million richer soon.

That’s what happens when you make a person that angry. They’ll try and destroy you all by themselves.

This report comes from TMZ who got some new information from sources connected to Shriver. Apparently, she was ‘hysterical’ when she found out about your dalliance with Mildred Patty Baena and the resulting child.

She was so furious with you Arnold that she actually wanted to hold a news conference about it all. Imagine that! You have to admit, it would have made great television.

You can thank Maria’s friends for convincing her that this might not be the best plan of action, so everyone went about leaking it to the L.A. Times instead.

Oh well, at least you have those new Terminator films to look forward to, eh?

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It would be nice to think that, somewhere in the world, Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking a long hard look at himself and thinking about how he’s been a bad man who should perhaps change his ways. Alas, if he is actually looking at himself in the mirror, he’s probably masturbating.

And while Arnie grunts at himself with the tissues at the ready, everyone is pointing at him and wondering what the fallout of his wandering penis might be after he admitted to siring a love child with a self-loathing housekeeper.

It appears that Arnie’s wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t mucking about and has gone straight to ace celebrity lawyer, Laura Wasser, who is especially good at making people fart coins.

Reports suggest that there’s $400million to play with and, naturally, Maria wants to make Arnie pay for his rampant seed. Now, its thought that there was a pre-nup in place, however, this will invariably get lobbed toward the shredder as three mistresses have come forward. And counting.

With that, Arnold could be looking at signing over a rather handsome $200million from the Conan The Barbarian star.

And if you believe Jane Seymour, the whole thing is about to become a lot stickier. She’s said that she’s aware of more children that the former California governor has had.

Seymour told CNN:

“I was not even remotely surprised. The moment I heard it, that there was an announcement of their separation — he was obviously jumping the gun before everyone else told the world of the news.”

“I heard about two more [out of wedlock kids] somebody else knows about.”

And a stranger angle in this sorry debacle is how Mildred Patricia Baena – that’s the maid at the centre of all this spunky storm – was apparently a self-loathing Hispanic. It has been reported that she was rather fond of trash-talking the Hispanic community. Yes. She happens to be Hispanic herself.

Sources who worked with Baena have told  TMZ:

“she was a “self-hating woman” who would tell members of the staff that “white people were better” and she did whatever she could to become friendly with Caucasians… most of Baena’s peers disliked her because she was a social climber, adding, “She felt like she was better than the rest of us”

So there you have it. More children to come out of the woodwork shouting “DADDY!” and a woman who hates herself. Marvellous. In fact, better than ‘DADDY!’ would be…

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Arnold ‘Gropey McGroperson’ Schwarzenegger has decided that it might be best if he kept a low profile for a while and has delayed all future film projects. Luckily for you, that means he won’t be making a new Terminator film or showing off his withered, penis shaped pectoral muscles.

This is because Arnie, who talks funny, is going to be “focusing on personal matters”, according to a statement.

And this is all because Schwarzenegger couldn’t resist having sex with one of his staff without a prophylactic covering his wrinkled piece. That’s right. Even though he had a seemingly cool and obviously attractive wife, he figured he’d father a secret child with a maid and then keep it all a secret while playing at being a politician.

It goes without saying that he’s been dumped by his wife, Maria Shriver.

The full statement said:

“Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes Cry Macho, the Terminator franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Governor Schwarzenegger decides.”

Get that? Cry Macho sounds hilarious! Hopefully, it will see the light of day and be 90 minutes of nothing but Arnie crying his eyes out thinking about all the terrible things he’s done.

Remember, Arnold has a funny voice so we assume that he’s a riot when he’s bawling.

So, anyway, everything seems to be going the way of the pear for Schwarzenegger, and because we don’t know him personally, we can all have a good laugh at the general misfortune.

The way his week’s going, he might get mowed down by a bus or something, which will make all this cruel prodding seem a bit crass.

Oh well.

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You know how Arnold Schwarzenegger likes groping women without asking them if its okay (allegedly, allegedly) and thumbing his steroid withered member into house staff until they get pregnant with his child? Well, surely he couldn’t be any more crass?

Wrong. This is Arnie we’re talking about here. He can plumb new levels of fistinmouthery.

See, this love-child he had (ha! Like there was any love involved in the baby-making process) was kept secret for years, unbeknownst to his poor, poor wife. And now it transpires that his wife met the child! How? Because Arnie took her to a party where the child was. A party he’d spent a lot of money on. Money he could’ve spent on condoms.

That’s right folks! Considerate Arnold bankrolled a swank coming-of-age birthday party for the niece of the lady he impregnated and good ol’ Arnie invited everyone! That includes his wife and kids!

The lady who Schwarzenegger got preggers, Mildred Patty Baena, has a sister called Mirian who also worked as a housekeeper for Arnold and Maria Shriver for a number of years. When Mildred’s kid turned 15, The Terminator actor agreed to pay for her Quinceañera (a common celebration among Latin Americans to mark the coming of womanhood to a young lady).

Arnold splashed out on the venue, the food, the entertainment, the decorations… even forking out for a limo service to and from the party.

Even better, is that Mildred Patty Baena and Arnie stood by and watched their children playing together, presumably leaving Baena muttering ‘So when are you going to leave her, or is this all a crock of shit?’ in Schwarzenegger’s creosoted earhole.

TMZ report that the partygoers all thought it was a bit “weird” that Arnold should foot the bill for this lavish get-together, but then, they weren’t to know that he was watching his sperm run around in front of his long-suffering wife.

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You know those neighbours you have that like listening to music really loudly and singing along so badly that you find your ears curling in on themselves leaving you looking like a ’70s rugby player with root vegetable features? They sing and parp down the mic whilst throwing enough booze down their necks to kill George Best fifty times over?

Well, that’s almost nothing like Madonna – but she has indeed been done for noise pollution and we can only presume that, because she’s sold millions and millions of records to people presumably in possession of ears, that she isn’t getting arrested for her singing (her penchant for eerie photoshopped faces in magazine shoots however is a different matter).

Anyway. Madonna has been cited for noise pollution by authorities in London, according to some reports.

Westminster City Council officials were reportedly called to investigate neighbours’ complaints (was it Mr G Ritchie from Cockerneyland?) and the found that Madonna’s staff had thrown a massive party at the singer’s London home in her absence.

You see! It wasn’t her after all! If she was there, she certainly wouldn’t have made sure her serfs took the brunt of the complaints to protect her reputation.

Apparently, the music coming from the property was considered loud enough to be deemed a “statutory nuisance” and an official notice was posted through the Body of Evidence star’s letterbox.

So how loud is that? Louder than Janet Street Porter’s laugh? Louder than a tank driving over Janet Street Porter’s legs? Louder than Janet Street Porter with a bulldog clip attached to each nipple, stuck down a well with a PA system, a klaxon horn with a donk put on it?

Councillor Ed Argar didn’t clarify:

“If people want to hold a party, regardless of the time of day or night, they need to show some common courtesy to their neighbours, who should not have to pay the price for others’ selfish behaviour.”

As a result of all this, Madge could face a court case and a fine of up to £3,000 ($5,000) if she is cited for similar offences again, but a spokesperson for the council said that the case is unlikely to end up in court… because she’s dead rich and can swing stuff that people on council estates can’t. Or something.

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Sean Diddy Puffy Poof Combs is a true suburbs-hardened gangster with millions of dollars up his sleeves and several guns built right into his arms.

We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.

Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.

When you’re hanging with the likes of Sean Diddy Daddy Puff Puff Combs on at least a semi-regular basis, you can count on two things happening all the time. The first is that you’ll have to be extremely patient as he pretends to get vital information from mysterious government sources over his wrist watch. Then you’ll have to refer to him solely as James while you give him boosts into random building ventilation systems, which he’ll then crawl through army-style and sweaty looking for imaginary boxes with blinking lights.

The second thing you can always expect in his company is that you’ll probably get shot. You remember all his gun trouble from several years ago, right? Well so do the police. That’s why when he recently showed up to co-host a tediously hosted party – the cops wanted to frisk him.

Keep in mind they were frisking every single person who entered. The New York Post paints the picture for us:

“When Diddy arrived at 1:45 a.m. with a six-man entourage, a witness said he “flipped out” when cops asked to search him and his friends. “He went nuts, saying, ‘Why are you disrespecting me like this? Why are you doing this to me?’” Combs “stormed off and started to text DJ Clue asking, ‘What the [bleep] is going on?’ and asked if he could go in the back entrance.” When told that the cops would have to search him and his friends there as well, Combs decided not to attend the party.”

The common assumption seems to be that Combs was so anti-search because he and his men were armed to the teeth with guns, knives, explosives, elven bows and several coiled poison-snakes. The only people that know for sure are Diddy and his men. Plus the guy who probably lent him a rattler.

We think he went about this all wrong. If he wanted to get in with his guns he should have shot some people. When bullets are clearing your path you can pretty much go wherever you want.

Ask everybody in Iraq – they know.

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Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic – The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee!

We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart‘s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain – but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having!

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anything as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

Birthdays are the perfect time to reflect on your achievements. For instance, on our last birthday we reflected on the continued onset of male pattern baldness, our expanding paunch, the slow loss of elasticity in our facial tissue and the fact that we were successfully able to take another hopeless stride towards our inevitable death.

Miley Cyrus has a lot to reflect on, too – in the last year she’s released a blockbuster movie, posed for a set of sort-of naked photos for a glossy magazine and got herself romantically involved with a grown-up. But there’s a pretty good chance that Miley Cyrus didn’t actually pay much attention to any of that yesterday, because she was too busy gonking around on Space Mountain like a giddy toddler smashed off her face on artificial preservatives.

No doubt inspired by the gauche peacocking of My Super Sweet 16, the parents of Miley Cyrus yesterday decided to rent out the whole of Disneyland for Miley’s birthday. The whole of Disneyland. What did you get for your 16th? A family trip to the Wimpy? Ha – Miley Cyrus is so much better than you. AP reports:

The theme park was closed for the supersized soiree, which included a four-song performance by the teen queen and a fireworks display above Sleeping Beauty Castle and 16 giant inflatable candles. “Miley is really hard to surprise,” her father Billy Ray Cyrus said at the event.

Hard to surprise? Miley Cyrus shouldn’t be that hard to surprise – she’s lived her whole life in a sort of megarich celebrity bubble, so surprising her should be easy. Give her a shellsuit or a Saturday job at Primark, that’d probably do the trick.

We’re just kidding – of course Billy Ray Cyrus and his mysterious unnamed wife want the best for Miley Cyrus, and this should be reflected in their choice of birthday party for her, which we hear has a special ‘please don’t cut us off financially when you turn 18, we beg of you’ theme.

Anyway, this is probably all a bit premature, because Miley Cyrus doesn’t even turn 16 until November 23. Her actual birthday will be marked with a far more intimate affair – we hear Billy Ray Cyrus plans to send a giant nuclear-powered robot into space to punch the sun out for her or something.