Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.
Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!
Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.
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Caught with his trousers well and truly ’round his ankles, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the doghouse for a while now. After keeping a child of his secret, which he had with the maid, you’d assume that he would re-emerge more graceful and humble.
However, subtlety isn’t one of Arnie’s strong points, as his consistently hilarious acting career has pointed out time and time again.
Of course, The Terminator is going through a rather sticky divorce, and he’s already playing hardball. Basically, he’s decided that he doesn’t want to pay his beleaguered soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, any spousal support. That’s nice of him isn’t, baring in mind that this situation is entirely his fault.
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While Arnold Schwarzenegger sits in an unlit room, weeping over a photograph of the family he tore to pieces like a baddie in a blockbuster, we’ve all been wondering what the fresh hell Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena has to say about her secret love-child with the former governor of California.
She’s been showing a rare, dignified silence whilst working out who was going to pay her the most money to talk about the time Arnie forgot to pop a condom on.
And now, Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper has decided to speak up about it all, noting that she only told her son who daddy was about a year ago, which is nice isn’t it?
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Isn’t it funny that actors get so uppity when they’re caught with their pants down? They usually howl that mistresses are telling stories for little more than financial gain. Ironic given that is exactly what actors do for a living. As such, we shouldn’t be surprised when it transpires they’ve been hoodwinking us with a lie.
Of course, this is all revolving around Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wandering member. Make your own Sperminator jokes.
However, because we’re all cooing and hooting at this sorry tale, apparently it makes us all rather racist. Is it because we constantly mention Arnie’s funny talking voice? Nope. It’s because we’re only interested in the story because he had sex with a Hispanic woman.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is not having a good week. Sure, he’s getting loads of press, but alas, everyone thinks he’s a massive, callous, sneaky, lying weapon… as opposed to a bumbling, funny-talking, lovable weapon.
And now he’s upset a man who can’t speak English properly.
That’s right, the ex-husband of the Mildred Baena, who Arnie successfully impregnated, was under the assumption that he was the father of the child – but now he thinks about it, was surprised it spoke in an Austrian accent and was able to lift up the coffee table with one hand when only 6 weeks old.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is not having a good week. Sure, he’s getting loads of press, but alas, everyone thinks he’s a massive, callous, sneaky, lying weapon… as opposed to a bumbling, funny-talking, lovable weapon. And now he’s upset a man who can’t speak English properly. That’s right, the ex-husband of the Mildred Baena, who Arnie successfully [...]
Hey! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Has your regret and sorrow turned into anger? Are you now pacing around your luxury stud-pad in your luminous thong, gritting your teeth and wondering who leaked the story on you? Political enemies? Movie producers you’ve crossed in the past?
Looking for a conspiracy theory to help aid your feeling that someone has it in for you, trying to damage your good reputation?
Well, unlucky. See, the person who had it in for you is the woman you scorned. That’s right. If you want to know who told the world about your illicit affair with a maid and resulting child, then look no further than Maria Shriver – the wife you managed to upset to the point where she wanted to bury you up to your own neck in your own shit. Right? It’s a hoot isn’t it?!
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It would be nice to think that, somewhere in the world, Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking a long hard look at himself and thinking about how he’s been a bad man who should perhaps change his ways. Alas, if he is actually looking at himself in the mirror, he’s probably masturbating.
And while Arnie grunts at himself with the tissues at the ready, everyone is pointing at him and wondering what the fallout of his wandering penis might be after he admitted to siring a love child with a self-loathing housekeeper.
It appears that Arnie’s wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t mucking about and has gone straight to ace celebrity lawyer, Laura Wasser, who is especially good at making people fart coins.
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Arnold ‘Gropey McGroperson’ Schwarzenegger has decided that it might be best if he kept a low profile for a while and has delayed all future film projects. Luckily for you, that means he won’t be making a new Terminator film or showing off his withered, penis shaped pectoral muscles.
This is because Arnie, who talks funny, is going to be “focusing on personal matters”, according to a statement.
And this is all because Schwarzenegger couldn’t resist having sex with one of his staff without a prophylactic covering his wrinkled piece. That’s right. Even though he had a seemingly cool and obviously attractive wife, he figured he’d father a secret child with a maid and then keep it all a secret while playing at being a politician.
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