The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine.

We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not to mention the champion hurdler Colin and Hobbit botherer, Peter.

What a family! However, Michael Jackson’s son is not like the rest of his clan. He’s ‘nervous’ about testifying in the trial related to his dad’s death.

Apparently, the former King of Pop’s eldest children – Prince and Paris (not to be confused with the singer Prince and the city of Paris) -  are both understood to be completely determined to give evidence after Michael died from… drum roll please… acute Propofol intoxication!

We’ve tapped out the word Propofol so many times since 2009 that we honestly feel like we have a decent case to get some kind of royalty.

A man who hasn’t exactly done the brand any favours is doctor Conrad Murray who has been charged with involuntary manslaughter.

Murder by medicine if you will. That’s not a legal term we’ll point out. We’re just trying to make a catchy buzzphrase that will take-off. You can have that one for free if you write a dreadful book about the whole Jackson’s Corpse v. Murray trial.

AAAAANYWAY.

Prince and Paris were both eyewitnesses to, ostensibly, their ‘dad’ dying. They watched him cease to be on the bedroom floor which is enough to ensure they’ll grow up warped. Well,  Katherine Jackson did say that her grandchildren were going to grow up just like their father.

It’s reported that sources close to Prince say the 14-year-old is nervous and worried that if he’s called to the stand he might get flustered and mess up,’

The trial against Murray begins today in Los Angeles

It has been reported that if Prince (again, not to be confused with the singer of the same name – it really is making the whole thing stupidly confusing) does give evidence, the lawyers may well clear the courtroom so his nerves don’t get the better of him.

If the court isn’t cleared, then Joe Jackson will get a performance by beating the living shit out of the poor tyke and throwing him into the spotlight. POSSIBLY.

Interestingly, one story that’s not being talked about much – the one we like the best because it has a filthy air of mystery about it – is that the fingerprints found on the syringe that killed MJ haven’t been identified and that they apparently don’t belong to Murray or any member of Michael’s family or staff.

Conspiracy theorists reckon it’s a ‘Mr. X’ who dished out the lethal dose and fled the scene of the crime with over $1 million in cash in their back pocket.

It definitely wasn’t us, okay?

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With the Michael Jackson v. Conrad Murray’s Syringe court case imminent, we need to keep Jacko in the news because come the trial, we’ll need to convince ourselves that we’re informed.

There’s no danger of you lot being uber-informed though because, chances are, you have absolutely no life outside of scouring the internet for articles about the former King Of Pop (since MJ’s death, the crown has been handed over to Pitbull).

However, as Michael is completely and utterly dead, we have to look elsewhere for stories. And so, we bring the tale of Jackson’s daughter – Paris – sleeping with a jacket. Isn’t jacket one of Michael’s other children?

So the news is that Paris Jackson is sleeping in the same bed as Jacket Jackson? That’s barely news at all. Loads of children… especially siblings… sleep together in the same bed.

It’s perfectly innocent isn’t it? Children sleeping together is the most natural thing in the world… unless of course, you’ve got an ageing popstar bunking down with them too.

What is peculiar though, is that Paris Jackson insists on sleeping with Jacket as a pillow.

Poor Jacket Jackson. That’s the kind of mental torture that made Michael so mental as an adult. Can we then assume that Jacket Jackson will end up with a music career that will, say, eclipse that of 3T? That’d be something wouldn’t it?

WAIT! Jacket Jackson doesn’t exist! We’re getting confused! It’s Blanket Jackson!

It appears that Paris is sleeping with one of her late father’s jackets as a pillow! That makes more sense we guess. Unless it’s the horrible S&M buckled thing that he wore in the Bad video. We imagine that’s less comfortable to sleep on than a conch shell.

Apparently, the jacket still smells like him. A mixture of remorse and Hi Karate aftershave then?

Worryingly, MJ’s mother Katherine believes his children will grow up to be “just like him”, especially Paris, who insists on having her walls filled with pictures of her pop legend father.

Well, we know how much Michael liked having oil paintings of himself haunting his walls. If his children are going to grow up just like their dad, this means we have to start coming up with scurrilous jokes to slap them with once they worm their way into the public eye.

Jeez. They’re a gift that keeps giving aren’t they?

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As far as we can tell the only good thing to come out of Michael Jackson’s death is that he could now remake the zombie part of his Thriller video with a much smaller portion of budget allotted to the makeup department.

The choreography might be a touch less fluid, but still. In that context this whole unfortunate death thing is a Hollywood financier’s dream.

Joe Jackson, allegedly, thinks some other lemonade can be made from the whole mess. He’s trying hard to convince MJ’s three kids to take to the stage in a worldwide tour sort of way.

Right now Joe Jackson is probably somewhere in a mansion trying hard to convince his three most recent tenants that the only way to keep their father’s disaproving ghost at bay is to perform his hits on stage for money. If the kids take the bait they could end up making loads of money and launching themselves down the path of world wide fame and fortune.

What he’s likely failing to mention is that the same path apparently ends in an early grave with a neck full of mysterious needle marks and a body that does all its decomposing on the wrong side of death. And you know what? If we were him and we were trying to convince our grandkids to go on tour as the Jackson Three, we’d probably omit that stuff too.

You hadn’t heard about the Jackson three? Well it’s all right here in the Sun:

“Michael Jackson’s father, Joe Jackson, is lining up the King of Pop’s children for a world tour as The Jackson Three — despite family members accusing him of trying to “exploit them like Jacko.” Former Jackson Five manager Joe is said to have approached Prince Michael, 12, Paris, 11, and seven-year old Prince Michael II — known as Blanket — to hit the stage next year.”

Just think of all that money. And don’t worry about any undue hardships on the children. After all, they can attend a backstage school in between sets where they’ll get an education from a cheap teacher Joe found on Craigslist. Plus, the children’s life in the spotlight - well it’s what Michael would have wanted, apparently.

And as far as what you’ve heard about the senior Jackson managing a band made up entirely of child-relatives, well, where he’s from maybe whacking skin with worn belts is a sign of deep affection. In Gary, Indiana, we’ve often heard, they don’t hug they throttle. You’ll find that kind of affection nice once you’ve lived there for a while, we swear.

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Fur coats are important to Lindsay Lohan – sometimes they’re all that stop her prematurely withered cha-chas from the elements.

However, some people – some French people to be precise – don’t approve of Lindsay Lohan’s continued endorsement of animal fur. As such they’ve felt the need to attack Lindsay Lohan, and attack her with a starchy baking ingredient. too. To put it bluntly, someone threw flour at Lindsay Lohan this weekend, and it made Lindsay Lohan sad.

But it also made Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend Samantha Ronson furious. Furious enough to dash to her computer and thrash out an angry dollop of screed about it on her blog. So it must be serious – Sam Ronson only uses her blog for important matters, like politics and private matters and reality TV shows and that time she totally just spent like six hours playing Guitar Hero until her hands were sore. You know, the big stuff.

As part-reptile – on her mother’s side, genealogy fans! – Lindsay Lohan feels the cold a lot more than regular human beings do. Well, to be fair it’s partly because of her reptilian ancestry and partly because Lindsay Lohan has never worn a pair of knickers in her entire life, but whatever. Lindsay Lohan gets cold a lot. That’s the point we’re trying to make.

And, as such, Lindsay Lohan relies on fur coats for warmth like nobody else. If she can get her hands on a fur coat, she’ll wear it. If she can’t get her hands on a fur coat, she’ll allegedly steal one from an idiot. And if Lindsay Lohan can’t steal a fur coat from an idiot, then this is what happens. And who wants to see that, now, really.

Anyway, French animal rights protesters don’t seem to understand this little fact about Lindsay Lohan. That’s why, when Lindsay and Samantha Ronson went to Paris recently, Lindsay Lohan ended up taking a flourbomb to the head while being called a ‘fur hag’ by local rights activists.

Personally, we think the French protesters were being a little bit ignorant – Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have the luxury of the overwhelmingly hairy armpits, faces and pubic areas that the French women enjoy, and she has to use animal fur to make up the difference. In that sense they’re mocking the disabled. But whatever.

Lindsay Lohan has yet to formally respond to the flour attack, but that hasn’t stopped Sam Ronson from hopping onto her MySpace blog to speak on her behalf. Well, we say ‘speak’ but we actually mean ‘wail like a mental seagull falling down a liftshaft’. Sam wrote:

“It seems lately I am learning that there are too many people who put another species before their fellow man and that’s sad. I don’t wear fur, but I don’t think I have the right to attack those who do. No one has that right… The girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it’s an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilised than that person.”

Thank heavens that Sam Ronson took back that bit about the flour attacker being an animal. If Lindsay Lohan actually thought for a second that the girl really was an animal, then we have no doubt she’d have skinned her long ago. And we hear that walking around New York with a French cadaver draped around your neck is something of a faux pas these days. We think we saw that on Gok Wan.

It's becoming slightly traditional for rumours of a Jay-Z/ Beyonce marriage to surface every December, but this this time it looks like they might have been spot-on.

Reports are surfacing that Jay-Z and Beyonce properly went and got married during a trip to Paris last week. They're completely unconfirmed rumours, of course, but we'll soon see how true they are because apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce both got their fingers tattooed instead of swapping wedding rings. That doesn't necessarily mean we should all strain our eyes trying to look for infinitesimal markings on Jay-Z and Beyonce's fingers, though – the signs will be much more obvious than that. On the basis that they both let a Frenchman tattoo their fingers last week, we just need to look out for the 'Beyonce Has One Giant Septic Hand Covered In Pus' headlines to confirm everything we need to know.

Beyonce and Jay-Z make a lovely couple, they really do. Whether they're popping up in each other's music videos, relentlessly hawking a variety of products in commercials or just sneaking around pretending to get married every couple of days, Beyonce and Jay-Z never look anything other than contented. Well, occasionally badly bruised too, but mostly contented. 

But despite looking happy enough as a couple, Jay-Z and Beyonce have never got round to getting married. Sure, they both say that they want to get married, and every time they go on holiday people start shrieking that it's because they're getting married, but it never happens.

But it's happened now. Possibly. We think.

It has been suggested that Jay-Z and Beyonce used a trip to Paris last week to get married in secret, and that they received special little finger tattoos to make sure they stay true to one another. According to a source, Jay-Z and Beyonce:

"Didn't want all the attention that usually follows them around, they just wanted it to be intimate and romantic. It was lovely and they are both blissfully happy. They thought the tattoos would be a lovely personal touch."

Uh-oh, a marriage in Paris. That means that, by the time you wake up tomorrow morning, a French model is going to be talking about how Beyonce thinks that sperm makes her spotty.

Anyway, we hear that the Jay-Z/ Beyonce wedding was just adorable to watch. For the vows, for instance, Beyonce sang and stretched out the words "to have and to hold" alone to last more than 15 minutes, with Jay-Z interrupting two-thirds of the way through to do a 25-second rap about how rich he is. Beautiful.

That's if Beyonce and Jay-Z really did get married – nobody knows for sure. One thing's for certain, though – all this mystique surrounding the wedding has turned something we absolutely don't give a badger's chuff about into something we still don't give a badger's chuff about but could use as an excuse to crack out some lazy jokes about stereotypical French uncleanliness.

Read more:

Has Beyonce Married Jay-Z? – Metro