So you’re Paris Hilton. You’re primarily known for having graphic sex on the internet and drink-driving.

Where’s the one place on the planet that you probably shouldn’t visit? Why, somewhere that rules public drunkenness and sex outside of wedlock to be illegal, of course. Somewhere like, ooh, Dubai. Which, incidentally, is where Paris Hilton has decided to set the new season of her reality TV show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. Seriously. Guh.

We know what you’re thinking, and we totally agree – if Paris Hilton’s new Dubai BFF doesn’t turn out to be Jim Davidson, then we’re starting a riot.

Who thought BFF stood for ‘best friend forever’? You did? Well you’re wrong, and our estimations of you have plummeted as a result, frankly. BFF can’t mean best friend forever, because Paris Hilton is now gearing up for her third season of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, and you’re not allowed to have three best friends forever. No, BFF stands for ‘best friend forthesakeoftemporarilyboostingmyflaggingcareer’ and anyone who disagrees with us is an idiot.

If you’ve never seen an episode of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, by the way, then we should take this opportunity to fill you in – it’s basically The Apprentice, but instead of getting a high-flying job working as an executive for a well-respected businessman, the top prize involves listening to Paris Hilton bleat on witlessly on about her own hair until you can’t take it any longer, rip your own jaw out, beat her over the head with it until she dies and then curl up into the foetal position laughing like a schoolgirl until an ambulance comes to section you.

But anyway, now that Paris Hilton has found idiots willing to be her BFF in America and the UK, it’s now time for her to set her sights on a place that she’s almost comically unsuited to – Dubai. Reuters reports:

Production on the latest version of “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” will begin later this month in Dubai and take 17 days, Ish Entertainment said. “We’re very aware we are not making the same show we would make in Los Angeles,” said Ish co-founder Michael Hirschorn. “I was excited about the sheer, ‘Oh my God, what’s going to happen’ factor,” Hirschorn said.

What’s going to happen? Isn’t it mindblowingly obvious what’ll happen, Michael Hirschorn? Paris Hilton will step off the plane to Dubai in a miniskirt, get instantly arrested for public indecency and spend the next six years crying to herself in a sweltering, overcrowded prison cell. Incidentally, her new best friend will either be a lizard who she adopts as a pet, occasionally breaking its legs so it can never escape, or a giant overweight lesbian who periodically tries to sexually assault Paris at knifepoint.

Either way, we’re in.

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Stand still for long enough and the local addicts will quickly assume you’re a dealer.

Camden is also the spiritual home of Amy Winehouse, Sarah Harding and unfunny man Noel Fielding. Not only do you have to be content with sharing a postcode with these people, but you also have to put up with the hundreds of copycat children who don jeans so tight that their right testicle will explode from the pressured circulation. But prepare yourself for some LA glamour – Paris Hilton’s coming to town.

In LA, the fashionable elite eat organically steamed celery and slurp double skinny vanilla lattes with extra froth whilst walking round with miniature dogs that crap in their Gucci bags. Over in London, it’s less glamorous as punters can be seen eating kebabs made from the remains of rat and road kill whilst stepping over drunken tramps.

Why Paris Hilton wants to leave LA for London is beyond us. Perhaps she wants to see what happens when a couple of snowflakes fall and the entire city grinds to a halt. Maybe she’s filming a new TV show called Paris Hilton’s Weather Extremes.

Sadly, we won’t be seeing Paris chase tornadoes as she desperately tries to recreate her childhood dream of filming a scene from the film Twister. Unfortunately she’ll have to be content with buying lime-flavoured lollies from an ice-cream man who’ll no doubt want to cover it in red sauce.

Because most people in America see Paris as an annoying and pointless human being, she’s widened her search for a new best friend to England. Or most likely London due to budget restraints. And now she wants to come here for good, as a source told Digital Spy:

“Paris started looking for a base when she was last in the UK to film her ITV2 reality show, Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. She initially thought about living near Hampstead and Belsize Park, but moved on to Camden, where she could get more bedrooms for her money.”

Near Hampstead? Maybe she could visit the heath and organise a play date with toilet frolicking George Michael. Not only would she keep him from doing anything dodgy in a public toilet, but she could at least bag herself a Gay British Best Friend.

If everything does go wrong with the show and Paris fails to find a best friend to exploit her fortune, there are alternative career paths for her. London is full of seedy back alleys full of places that dirty old men visit. With an established porn career behind her, Paris can open up her own whore house!

Imagine the flickering broken neon light as it displays one of the multiple names that she could call name her knocking shop. Whore Do You Think I Am? A Taste Of LA and Tit For Tat are just some of the names that are screaming out to be taken.

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We are told global warming is going to drown us, terrorists are going to blow us up and Paris Hilton is going to have a baby – it’s all too much.

The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.

But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!

Yeah, we’re still gonna drown and be blown up, but really, who cares?

The showbiz world bust a nut recently when it was reported aris Hilton’s belly had expanded to the size of a less malnourished girl’s. There seemed to be two options:

1) She ate something

2) She was pregnant

Naturally, everyone thought she was pregnant. On first hearing the news, one reliable source spoke for us all when he told Hecklerspray:

Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! Fuck. Oh, just fuck it all, I mean, seriously, bollocks to it! Shit, you know? Jesus Christ.

But a source who witnessed Paris Hilton on Friday night, dancing, drinking champagne and smoking cigarettes at Tao nightclub in Las Vegas, where she was filming her MTV reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, said that it’s clear the she isn’t pregnant at all:

She’s clearly not pregnant.

See?

You’re probably thinking what we’re thinking, and what we’re thinking is this: It is quite easy to envisage Paris Hilton drinking and smoking while pregnant, just as it is quite easy to imagine her saying ‘my mum smoke and drank while she was pregnant with me, and look how I turned out!’

On the other hand, it’s also quite easy to imagine that, if Paris was to ever have an abortion, this is how she would go about celebrating it. And who could blame her? That’s one Paris Hilton party that Hecklerspray would be delighted to join in on.

We’d turn up early, be vomiting over the karaoke machine before the clock struck 7pm, before belting out the best rendition of KC and the Sunshine Band that we could muster. Come on!

But still, rather than throw your nooses away, probably best just store them in the cupboard for a while, you know, to be on the safe side.

Because Paris Hilton wants you to be her friend. Well, not you obviously. Someone who's a little less likely to stab her in the eye in a fit of rage within 20 seconds of meeting her. You know, someone who – shudder – actually likes Paris Hilton.

Yesterday Paris Hilton launched her new reality TV show, entitled Paris Hilton's My New BFF – short for 'best friend forever'. The show was going to be called Paris Hilton's My New BFFTPOASLRTSAICINS – short for 'best friend for the purposes of a short-lived reality TV show and I'm certain it's not sincere', but BFF's just that little bit snappier.

You! Yes you! Do you judge friendship on the amount of invisible bruises you receive? Maybe on the ease in which your telephone can be hacked? Perhaps you like nothing more than feeling a growing sense of inadequacy as you're constantly mocked and judged by a group of sneering, vaguely parasitic brats with moderately famous parents? What? You fit into all three of these categories? Well then, Paris Hilton has got an offer for you!

When it was previously reported that Paris Hilton was looking for a friend through a reality TV show, we thought it was an evil Illuminati trick to weed out the world's most clueless percentile and enslave it for menial labour on its seven-foot lizardman farm. But we were mistaken. This Paris Hilton reality TV friend search really exists and, as Reuters reports, yesterday Paris Hilton's My New BFF got its official launch:

Hilton, 27, unveiled the series, with the working title "Paris Hilton's My New BFF," during a news conference at a luxury home high in the Hollywood Hills on Thursday. Production on the 10-episode series is slated to begin in Los Angeles at the end of May, with an air date scheduled for the fourth quarter of 2008… The 20 finalists will move into a house with Hilton, and will learn from the master about "normal girl stuff," like fashion, parties and shopping… "[I want] someone that I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with."

But how will the number of aspiring Paris Hilton friends be whittled down to 20? Simple! Through www.parisbff.com – a website where Paris Hilton's wannabe friends can upload pictures and videos of themselves and get rated by the public.

However, only some of Paris Hilton finalist BFFs will be found on the website. Frankly if any get let through we'd be surprised, since at the moment the entrants seem to have misheard the title of the show as Paris Hilton's The New Target Of My Berserk Campaign Of Disturbing Obsession or Dude, I Bet I Can Totally Fuck Paris Hilton.

However, if you're thinking about signing up for Paris Hilton's My New BFF, you should probably do it. After all, you'll probably win – Paris' last BFF was Nicole Richie, so the bar hasn't exactly been set very high.

Read more:

Who wants to be Paris Hilton's new best friend? - Reuters