Articles tagged with: Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is no stranger to prizes - in her life she's won everything from the Most Pointless Wonky-Eyed Skinbag award to a statuette for Best Internet Blowjob (Wonky-Eyes Class).
But now Paris Hilton gets to add an award to that list that actually exists - yesterday Paris was officially crowned as the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year.
And, really, Paris Hilton winning an award at Harvard sends an undeniably positive message to the women of the world - that they can accomplish anything they put their mind to in life, provided they've got a billionaire grandfather, a month-long jail sentence under their belt and a tendency to suck men off and film it for the internet.
About this time of year there are always a few of things you can count on.
1) The Academy Award nominees being announced for films you haven’t bothered to see yet. 2) Growing so sick of the cold and snow that you seriously consider being a drug mule just to escape to warmer climates. 3) The Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah.
The latter of the three always brings about the exciting, albeit useless, pastime of celebrity stalking on the streets of Park City. In past years we’ve been privileged to catch glimpses of Ted Danson, Alan Cumming and quality hang-out time with Jon Heder, to name a few. And our life has been ever so enriched because of it. This year proved to be just as exciting. Keep reading to see who we saw.
Forget the Oscars and the Grammys and the Golden Globes - they're all rubbish, largely because Paris Hilton won't ever win any of them.
Where it's at now, kids, is the Harvard University Woman Of The Year award, because - other than the inaugural Dozy Wonk-Eyed Slapper gala set for later this spring - it's just about the only award that Paris Hilton will get this year.
No, really, Paris Hilton is going to get a Woman Of The Year award. We're not making this up. Promise.
That Paris Hilton, she sure knows how to pick them. 'Them' of course, referring to blokes whose sperm seems to either send women a bit mental or completely dead.
Just yesterday we were telling you about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears' ex-husband Kevin Federline cosying up in a Las Vegas nightclub, but it seems like Paris wasn't done there, as it's transpired that she then went out the very next night and did exactly the same thing to Larry Birkhead, the last man on Earth to knock Anna Nicole Smith up before she died. We're not sure if chatting to odd, semi-famous men is going to be Paris Hilton's hot new trend for 2008 or not yet, but hopefully it is, because at this rate it won't be long before she's seen out with Trevor, the fictional Scottish wife-beater husband of Little Mo from EastEnders. And that would just be adorable.
So Kevin Federline has finally moved on from Britney Spears - except that he seems to have moved on to Paris Hilton, which isn't so much 'moving on' as 'doing something especially turd-brained'.
Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course - at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true.
But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.
Well its always been a matter of time. Britney Spears has pictures of Paris Hilton without her fake eye, and is demanding Hilton be her full-term surrogate mother before those photos are destroyed.
Paris Hilton’s gaping socket is said to be greasy, black and chock full of dead-end veins. Britney Spears is said to have gotten the pic while Hilton chased her eye-chewing purse-dog around a sticky coffee table.We’re just kidding of course. Hilton doesn’t have a glass eye, she’s got a crooked one – its still attached to head muscles and everything.
Even if she did have a glass eye we’re sure Spears wouldn’t be cruel enough to hold it over her. Brits would, however, be cruel enough to threaten the socialite with incriminating lesbian pics recently captured on film.Oh, she’d do that alright.
Paris Hilton, as we've all been forced to hear for months now, is a changed woman, and now that she's out of prison once and for all, everything she'll ever do for the rest of her life will be for the greater good of mankind.
And yesterday Paris Hilton flew to Shanghai to prove this by, um, mooching around The Bund and doing some shopping and stuff. OK, while that might not seem like an especially mankindy sort of act, but bear with us - while in Shanghai, Paris Hilton is going to attend the Asian MTV Style awards. Again, a wonky-eyed internet pornstar tip-tapping around Shanghai just so that she can listlessly clap her hands at some people who've been deemed to wear clothes fairly well might not seem like the sort of thing that'd make a wider difference to humanity, but really it is - now that it has to suffer seeing Paris Hilton everywhere, maybe the people of Shanghai will learn why everyone in the west is so uptight all the time.
A lot of things could be said about Paris Hilton. For instance, you could say she's named after the only city filthier than any underpants she's been wearing for more than three hours. Also you could say she has a lazy eye.
What you can't say about Paris Hilton, however, is that she cares in the least about alcoholic Indian elephants. She doesn't care about those at all. It doesn't matter to her that in that part of India, drunken elephants account for over 3% of pachyderm fatalities. It also doesn't matter to her that night-time elephant drinking increases tusky next-day workplace tardiness exponentially. Just on the morning shifts.
This incredible display of callousness proves once and for all that the post-jail Paris is just as shallow and selfish as her pre-prison self. Or perhaps it just proves nobody ever told her Indian elephants really like getting sloshed and tipping over electric poles. Whatever the case, the only statement her camp has made about India's very real problem is that she never made a statement about it.
