‘Paris Hilton’ Is A ‘Dumb-Assed Ni**er’ Private Kerry Hylton, 33, a chef with the Welsh Guards who was nicknamed ‘Paris Hilton’ is suing the Army for racial discrimination. Initial rumours suggested Private Hylton earned the nickname after donning a blonde wig, a wonky eye and a Chihuahua for a video he made of himself giving oral sex to his Senior Chief Petty Officer which was leaked over the Army’s LAN. But those rumours were immediately quashed by the irresponsible person who started them. The true reason behind the nicknaming is entirely unclear as of yet, but one thing we do know for sure is that Private Hylton found the ‘Paris Hilton’ comparison highly offensive, because Paris was a “white woman with a low reputation”.

Paris Hilton Equals Perfect Wife, Says Obviously Android Boyfriend

The great thing about love is that there really is someone for everyone.

Just look at Sloth and Chunk from The Goonies. Sloth, a malformed man-beast with a saliva control problem and a wonky eye, loved Chunk even though he was an unfortunate-looking kid who got left behind like the whiny dead weight he was.

The same is true for Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden. Really the exact same, actually. This modern day Sloth and Chunk are so in love that Benji has slipped nicely into delirium and is blabbering to anyone that’ll listen about how Paris is perfect wife material. See? Just like Sloth and Chunk. Only more repellent.

Paris Hilton Accused Of Flooring Photographer With Car Blonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated by police for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun. They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday. Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash. However, he soon got up to file a police report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said: "The incident is currently under investigation."

Paris Hilton And The 85,000 Horseman Of The Apocalypse It was written that this day would come. The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets. And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend. You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

Paris Hilton ‘Is a Genius’, According To Hayden Panettiere If you were to grab hold of any OAP and say: “excuse me, OAP, but could you please give me your opinions on how the youth of today treat the English language” then that OAP will immediately reply “kids these days...lost all respect for the fine traditions of our proud language that was so lovingly leant to us by our Queen – it’s bloody disgusting!” Before turning their attentions back to Deal or No Deal and falling asleep for the rest of the week. Bless 'em. And maybe they're on to something. We have Jessica Simpson describing Scarlett Johansson as unbelievably talented; we have uneducated bloggers posting showbiz articles that infuriate the intense-grammar-loving public of America; and now the word ‘genius’ – once saved for people like Newton, Darwin, Einstein and Darren Anderton - has been used to describe Paris bloody Hilton.

Paris Hilton And Lindsay Lohan Attacked By Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson (the actress - and now singer - famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities! The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris Hilton and our Lindsay Lohan is not quite her cup of tea. How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

Paris Hilton Paid £70,000 To Be Gawked At

When you have the working abilities and intelligence of a corpse, you’ll have to take any opportunity at making a bit of cash.

This is exactly what the world’s biggest waste of skin and bone has done. Known as Paris Hilton, to her folks, we regard her as a bad smell. Just like the fumes given off from a good dump, she is something that lingers around for what seems forever and just doesn’t go away.

Some people however disagree and oddly want to welcome pointless things in to their domain. A trendy nightclub in London reportedly wanted Paris and her other half to appear at their club so much that they paid her £70k to do so. Sadly though, she wasn’t placed in a cage in the centre of the room so people could throw peanuts and shout obscenities at her.

Paris Hilton’s MTV Reality Show To Be Axed? Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show 'Paris Hilton’s My New BFF' (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit. This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard. According to Trans World News, an insider said: "There were less than 40 people there." This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.