Katy Perry once kissed a girl and she liked it, if her personal reports are to be believed.

Though when we have a confession to make we don’t normally make a literal song and dance about it, we can accept that this is the modern age and those youngsters do things differently. But according to some sources, Katy Perry‘s parents don’t see it that way, and have registered their disgust at their daughter’s activities and apparent sexual escapades.

Then we find out that Katy thinks her parents were misquoted, and that they are fully supportive of her career. But which is it, Katy - which is it?! Are you a libertine whose parents don’t like you? Are you a mental and a Christian (peas in a pod) who likes the lesbians and has supportive parents?

We need to know.

But it’s all gone and turned into a big pile of confusion, with reports and counter-reports flying in left, right and centre. If we were cynical, we might assume this was the work of some marketing twit who was out to make a bit of a splash with the Perry name.

But of course, we’re not that cynical.

Reports that Katy Perry‘s parents hate what she does came about from the greatest newspaper in the world, the Daily Mail, which in between saying videogames cause all the ills in the world ever, managed to fit some other words in. Namely, Katy’s mum saying:

“Katy knows how I feel. We are a very outspoken family and she knows how disappointed her father and I are. I can’t even listen to that song. The first time I heard it I was in total shock. When it comes on the radio I bow my head and pray. I hate the song. It clearly promotes homosexuality and its message is shameful and disgusting.”

Now we understand it’s a bad song, but is there any real need to get God involved in matters? We mean, he might use his ultra-powers to blow up the radio or something, but you could just forget about bothering him, turn the radio off and go do something else. He probably has enough to worry about, the poor little blighter.

Katy’s mama went on – probably while between bouts of praying for God to change channel on her TV:

“Katy was raised in a very strict Christian household, she started performing in church at nine. She was a special child; she loved to sing and had an angelic voice. That is why this is all so disappointing and sad.”

It must be terribly disappointing to have a daughter who is a worldwide star – really quite bad. But mummy wasn’t finished there, and she went on with even more words falling out of her gob:

“Katy is not a homosexual but I fear she has been led astray by the Hollywood crowd. Katy was spotted by a music producer, who invited her to L.A. That’s when she started to change. I was worried she’d start doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I still am. I spoke to her only recently. She said, ‘Oh Mom, I’m not going to turn into Amy Winehouse.’”

We do think if Perry were to turn into Winehouse MKII that would be enough to test anybody’s faith, regardless of how devout they were. As we all know, Amy Winehouse is proof there is no God.

But Katy Perry wasn’t about to sit still listening to mother dearest’s apparent rampant claims, and quickly jumped to the defence of her parents. In an interview with MTV, Perry used some words – in a similar way to how her mother did:

“I’m sure they opt out of singing ‘I Kissed a Girl’ or ‘Ur So Gay’, but they’re singing along to every other song on the record. They’re just glad I’m not strung out, doing centrefolds and s**t like that.”

They’re probably not going to be made that much prouder by you swearing now, are they? Oh well, at least that clears that one up. A bit.

But what about the claims that Katy’s track UR So Gay is homophobic and I Kissed a Girl is patronising to the gay community?

Well, what better way to win over fans than to make a sweeping generalisation, in which you assert that all people of a certain sexual preference have exactly the same personalities? There isn’t a better way, it would seem, with Perry stating:

“I think gay people have a wonderful sense of humour.”

She did go on, mind, carrying on about UR So Gay:

“I think they’ll get it and embrace it. It’s an anthem for power of the people – for females, gays, exes, anybody who’s been broken up with that wants to get over a guy.”

Well – that clears that one up. And here we were hoping she’d stir up that bit more controversy to help fuel her career, seeing as that’s all it’s been going on so far.

It’s certainly not talent that’s been pushing it.

You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn’t love you back you’ll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic.

Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either – Uma Thurman‘s alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman’s mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he’d kill himself if he and her daughter weren’t predestined to be together.

And, surprisingly enough, this didn’t end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan’s arms and yelling “Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!” Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.

Court cases involving celebrities tend to be quite boring, unless the celebrities have been accused of shooting a woman’s face off, because they all usually involve drink-driving and the celebrities are usually always guilty. So thank heavens for the 12-month reign of terror that frenzied stalker Jack Jordan is accused of hammering Uma Thurman and her family with, because at least it’s a bit different.

You probably know the details by now – Jack Jordan apparently bombarded Uma Thurman with letters and emails and disturbing pictures of Uma Thurman digging his grave and would sleep in his car outside her house and whatnot. And now the case has finally reached court.

Yesterday we reported how Jack Jordan’s lawyer described his client as a kind of creepy, woefully-misguided romantic, like something out of Romeo And Juliet if Romeo And Juliet‘s famous balcony scene ended with the line “Seriously Romeo, get away from my balcony. You’re creeping me the fuck out and I’m trying to learn lines for My Super Ex-Girlfriend.”

And now Uma Thurman’s parents have taken to the stand to discuss the other side of the story – the side that’s a bit less ‘romantic’ and a bit more ‘crazy man threatening to kill himself’. According to the New York Times, Uma Thurman’s mother had a particularly enlightening telephone conversation with Jack Jordan:

“I wanted to know what was on his mind, so I asked him what this was all about,” she testified. “He told me in so many words that he believed that he and my daughter had a preordained life, as it were, that they were meant to be together. He knew this. She didn’t know it. If she saw him, she would know they were destined to be together and be very happy.” She tried, she said, to talk Mr. Jordan out of his infatuation, telling him that he was “projecting” his own fantasies onto Uma Thurman’s life, and that they had no basis in reality. She testified that Mr. Jordan replied that “in that case there was no meaning in life for him. He would have to kill himself. Probably in a month or so he would be gone.”

Seriously? Jack Jordan thought about killing himself after being told that Uma Thurman probably wouldn’t want to marry him? We’d have contemplated suicide way before that – about the time we realised that Uma Thurman being the meaning of our lives would probably involve having to watch Paycheck more than once, to be precise.

Read more:

Actress’s Parents Tell of Stalker Suspect – NY Times