Life has been rough for Robert Downey, Jr, or ‘Downsey’ as he likes us to call him.

His life has been riddled with mistakes – drug abuse, incarceration, Gothika, public disgrace, dating Sarah Jessica Parker, singing a duet with Sting – and we’ve witnessed them all first hand.

So, for the first time ever since breakfast, Robert Downey Jr. openly talks about his past drug abuse, and does so with a nice vocabulary. He also talks about some other stuff, like a movie he’s in that’s coming out soon, or something.

Unless you’ve been trapped under a rock for the past ten years or so and just recently gnawed through your arm to become free, it’s no surprise to you that Robert Downey Jr. has been quite the drug abuser in the past.

Yeah, we know. But Robert Downey Jr. has chosen to tell us all about it for the trillionth time. We’ll listen because his dreamy, slightly burgeoning-y eyes captivate us every time, but he’d better check off another item on the celebrity scavenger hunt list soon, like join the celebrity DUI club. If he acts now, he can get the custom racial slur rant as a joining bonus.

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. prattled on to PARADE magazine about how he did drugs for the first time when he was eight with his dad, dropped out of high school, and became wrapped up in the Hollywood shenanigans and drug abuse that it ultimately led to the demise of his seven year relationship with Sarah Jessica Parker. What the…? Why does the Mr. Ed theme music come on out of nowhere whenever her name comes up? Spooky. Anyway, let’s hear it straight form RDJ himself:

“I was so selfish,” he admits. “I liked to drink, and I had a drug problem, and that didn’t jibe with Sarah Jessica, because it is the furthest thing from what she is… I had very much this post-adolescent, faux nihilistic, punk-rock rebellious attitude. I thought my way was so much cooler than people who were actually building lives and careers. I was in love with Sarah Jessica and love clearly was not enough. I was meant to move on. And, after some heartache, she was meant to find her home with a great star.”

Um, yeah she did! She married Ferris Bueller, sucka! Robert Downey Jr. also talks about his career, and such:

“I went after Iron Man because Keanu Reeves got The Matrix, and Johnny Depp got Pirates,” he says. “I’m looking at all these posters of the movies I’ve seen with my son, and I’m thinking, ‘Damn! I could do that!’ “

However, the search for a decent script about a drunk, wobbly pirate who rebels against sentient machines to release the minds of humanity was more difficult than anticipated, so Robert Downey Jr took up the role as a Marvel Comics superhero in the upcoming movie released next month, Iron Man.

We’re very excited for our friend’s return to sobriety, and eagerly anticipate Iron Man despite the face that every third person we come across mumbly sings Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, but of course only knows a few words so its always Now the time is near du-du-du-du-du-du-du-nuh-nuh-nuh.

That’s okay. We’ll just think about Sarah Jessica Parker and the Mr. Ed music will drown them out.

Read more:

Robert Downey Jr. On Dating Sarah Jessica Parker, Parenting And Drug Use – Huffington Post

Nobody talks about The Break-Up any more, mainly for fear that it'll trigger some sort of psychotic post-traumatic stress malarkey and they'll end up with a nosebleed.

But just because The Break-Up was so dire that it makes us want to vomit poo into an elf's face, it doesn't mean that its stars Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston don't get along. In fact, although they spilt up in 2006, Vince Vaughn has told Parade magazine that he's still great friends with Jennifer Aniston.

If this means there's going to be a sequel to The Break-Up any time soon, so help us…

Jennifer Aniston strikes us as possibly the worst ex-girlfriend in the history of everything. Look at how she coped when Brad Pitt dumped her for Angelina Jolie – she screamed at the sea, she organised pity-parties, she complained bitterly at every turn and she junked almost everything he owned, all the while giving off the impression of the bitterest woman that ever did live.

However, right after Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston rebounded into Vince Vaughn. They did all the things that lovers typically do – they moved in together, they starred in a film together that was so terrible it made us want to tear our hair out and braid it into a golden rope and hang ourselves with it, they spoke of getting married and then they split up once the DVD promotion came to an end.

History says that at this point Vince Vaughn should have built himself a concrete bunker in the desert to escape Jennifer Aniston's neverending fiery wrath, but he didn't. Oddly, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are still friends with each other. Just to blow your minds even further, Vince Vaughn told Parade magazine:

"I have such a great friendship with Jennifer. I still talk to her constantly. I have a real, genuine connection with Jen. I also have a real appreciation of her. That continues to this day. I always try to keep my relationships quiet and my work at the forefront. I haven't been someone to go and talk about those things, because that's not what I want to be known for. In regular life, people date, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. We just get more attention because we're more known."

Now hold on, because here's where things get complicated. This means that Vince Vaughn still likes Jennifer Aniston but dislikes Reese Witherspoon, who played Jennifer Aniston's sister in Friends. It seems like there's some rather severe Friends-cast friendship inconsistencies going on here on Vince's part. We wonder how he feels about Christina Applegate, who played Jennifer Aniston's other sister in Friends.

Probably deep ambivalence. Much like the rest of us.

Read more:

Vince Vaughn's Aniston bond – Monsters And Critics

Katie Holmes has slotted in so well to married life with Tom Cruise that Tom's children from his time with Nicole Kidman call her 'Mom' in their allotted thrice-monthly visits to her cage.

Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom's adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as 'Mom', even though 'very slightly older sister' would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her 'Nicole' against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we're not so sure – every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent's new partner more than them.

Come on, that's rule number one, people.

Identity is a funny thing. Take Tom Cruise. To some he's the oversincere bell-end from Top Gun, to others he's the oversincere bell-end from Days Of Thunder. To Scientologists Tom Cruise is Jesus, to Germans Tom Cruise is Goebbels. And to Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is the shadowy authority figure who keeps her locked in a dungeon except when he has a film out at which point he pays her to stand next to him bent-kneed on red carpets. Oh, we're kidding.

Anyway, Katie Holmes is a woman of several identities herself. Depending on the situation Katie Holmes can either be a glamorous fashionista, a goofy everygirl, the one weak link in Batman Begins or – in formal Scientology circles – Intrusive Humanoid 77629. What? It's a joke.

But now Katie Holmes can add one more identity to her CV – Mom. And not just to Suri Cruise The Enigmatic Space Baby, either – Katie Holmes is a Mom to Isabella and Connor, the children who Tom Cruise adopted when he was married to Nicole Kidman. Speaking to Parade magazine, Katie Holmes said of the kids:

"They are incredible. They call me Mom."

Of course they do, because Isabella and Connor have so much in common with Katie Holmes. They're almost all exactly the same age, for starters, and Katie Holmes doesn't have a frantically successful movie career to take care of like their adopted mother Nicole does.

In fact, Katie's comments come suspiciously close to a something Nicole Kidman said about her kids not so long ago. Nicole said:

"They call me Nicole, not mom which I hate and tell them off."

That can't possibly be coincidental, can it? In fact, all signs point to a kind of tug-of-love for the two kids between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, with Katie Holmes acting as Tom's robotic mouth-puppet. Maybe religion has something to do with it, too, because Tom Cruise must raise the children as Scientologists and Nicole Kidman must raise them as that rare offshoot of devout Catholicism where you're allowed to make films that slag off Catholics.

It must be an ideological minefield for the children, and perhaps this confusion has led to their adoption of Katie Holmes as a mother figure. After all, the only thing that Nicole Kidman can do when they're naughty is promise that they'll spend eternity in a kind of intangible hell situation – which means nothing to the average child – but if they're naughty around Tom Cruise he can promise that they'll spend a week in the tiny pitch-black rat-filled dungeon in his basement, surviving by licking the condensation off the walls for moisture like Katie has done for 90% of her marriage.

Oh come on, we're kidding. 

Read more:

Katie Holmes a 'Mom' – Mirror