Damn – someone should have told Britney Spears this before she started her relationship with British photo-jockey Adnan Ghalib. See, keeping one's enemies closer does work in many situations, but when your enemy's sole purpose in life is to get as close to you as they legally can, you should probably opt for 'running away quite fast and keeping your enemy at a few arms' length'.

Alas, our poor, maybe quite mental Britney wasn't warned, and now she's supposedly trying to stop another wonderful celebrity sex tape from being released to the baying public. If only people would help to look after the girl.

Just when things were getting back on track for the young pop-tart, something has to come along and send things royally tits-up. She of 'Toxic' and latterly 'mental' fame had seen the shattered pieces of her life being slowly put back together. First with some trepidation, but soon enough there was something resembling normality entering the Spears household – she had recently regained overnight access to her kids and was on her way (and probably still is on her way to) building a new home for said kids. Figuratively building, that is, not literally. She's not also become a builder, unfortunately.

And then, blammo, out of nowhere, it happens – allegations of a sex tape start flying around. Allegations that put Britney in a position – or possibly numerous positions – on some tape, having some sex, with the scu… paparazzo man. Of all the people she'd decide to record herself shagging, why choose a journalistic parasite that is a member of the British paparazzi? hecklerspray knows full well that the girl has had some problems, but come on – she can't be that stupid can she?

Really?!

For now, at least, it would appear that the sex tape allegations are remaining exactly that – rumour, speculation and non-fact. Not that we'd begrudge watching Miss Spears engaging in the act, hair or no hair (on her head you sick freaks), but it's hard to feel anything but a weary sympathy for the girl. She really has been put through the wringer over the last couple of years. We all need to take a step back from the poor thing, let her recuperate and then really stick the boot back in.

Torture can be used for entertainment, it would seem.

At least Britney can rest easy in the fact that, if the tape does turn out to be real, she has carte blanche to run over Ghalib's feet as much as she wants. In a way. She'd definitely get our blessing for that courageous act, and it would certainly do a great deal to get her back to the realms of normality she so clearly craves, as well as potentially taking out one of those useless, cretinous, morons.

And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.

And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.

Everyone knows that the biggest plague affecting celebrities today is the paparazzi. They're always there, sneaking around, secretly validating the celebrity's overinflated sense of self-worth and simultaneously acting as impromptu carpark wrestling partners at the drop of a hat. Urgh, they make us sick.

Especially since it's not just big stars who get hounded by the paparazzi. Really crap stars who've never made a movie you've willingly paid to see are also plagued by them too, by which we obviously mean Matthew McConaughey and nobody else.

Sure, Matthew McConaughey might have, on occasion, done the odd thing to prompt the curiosity of the paparazzi – like not being gay and nothing else – but that doesn't mean that people can go around taking photos of him whenever they want to. And if they do, they'll have to be prepared to incur the wrath of a handful of soggy topless men who all speak like Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Which is to say that a bunch of surfers basically attacked a photographer for looking at Matthew McConaughey this weekend. The Los Angeles Times reports:

A paparazzo trying to photograph and videotape actor Matthew McConaughey at the beach Saturday told police he was attacked by a mob of surfers. "They formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said they didn't want him to film," said Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "They got into an argument, and he indicated that he received injuries." 

TMZ has got a video of the incident, which is worth watching for this exchange alone:

Surfer: "Get a job!"

Paparazzo: "This is a job, what do you do?"

Surfer: "I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!"

Seriously, Matthew McConaughey, a paparazzo and a gang of deeply unpleasant-seeming surfers, and not a single frenzied attack by a swarm of maneating seals. We're disappointed in you, seals. No wonder you get clubbed so much.

According to reports, Britney Spears split up with Adnan Ghalib after angrily accusing him of only being with her to boost his career. Ludicrous, we know – we all knew about Adnan Ghalib for months before this Britney Spears malarkey because, um, no wait, sorry, we were thinking of Abu Ghraib. Crossed wires. Sorry.

Anyway, let's feel sorry for Britney Spears – we really thought that this time she'd found everlasting love with that creepy guy who makes his living by stalking Britney Spears with a camera.

Whatever area of Britney Spears' life you look at, you're sure to find a dirty great mess. Professionally? A half-arsed comeback performance and some equally half-arsed promotion for an album that sounds like it was performed by the speech program on an Amiga 500 have kicked that in the head.

Personally? Britney's family is too busy looking after her pregnant schoolgirl sister to pay her any attention, she's been banned from even seeing her own children – and now Britney Spears has split up with her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib too, leaving her with nobody to cry and babble and shriek at. What's a girl to do?

According to The Mirror, this is why Britney Spears finished with Adnan Ghalib:

Britney Spears has dumped Brit photographer lover Adnan Ghalib after furiously claiming he was exploiting her to boost his career. The break-up is so bitter she is alleged to have taken out a restraining order against the Brummie. Pop wreck Britney, 26, is fuming that she has been conned into appearing in photos for his paparazzi agency.

We're particularly upset about Britney Spears splitting up with Adnan Ghalib because we honestly thought that he was the one. He's certainly been the most high-profile of Briney's post-Federline boyfriends, easily blowing that bloke she puked over out of the water and knocking that man who says he filmed himself having sex with her into a cocked hat.

We don't know about you, girls, but Adnan certainly ticked all our boxes. He's tall, rich, has a speaking voice eerily similar to that of Adrian Chiles, and is prepared to shop naked pictures of his girlfriend around high-profile media outlets for his own financial gain. And Britney Spears split up with him? Britney Spears is an idiot.

But, really, how could a relationship between Britney Spears and a member of the paparazzi ever survive? It's exactly like Romeo and Juliet, only a version where Romeo makes his living by crouching down on pavements hoping that he'll be able to take a picture of Juliet getting out of a car without any knickers on and Juliet has a disturbing history of threatening to kill people with the same job as Romeo, and attacking their cars with umbrellas, and releasing singles exclusively about what a bunch of shits all of Romeo's colleagues are. But aside from that, it's probably identical.

And, yes, Romeo and Juliet does end with a suicide. So, like we said, probably identical.

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Britney Spears dumps Brit photographer Adnan Ghalib – Mirror