Prosecutors in the Dr. Conrad Murray manslaughter trial have made moves to block all testimony related to allegations that Michael Jackson inappropriately gave “the feel” to myriad children placed in his care.

Court documents which alarmingly landed on the desks of TMZ  have suggested that prosecutors want Judge Michael Pastor to bar Steve Robel- a key Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s investigator in the 2005 MJ molestation trial- from testifying  in Murray’s defence.

In a move probably designed to drag up the molestation charges in an effort to make Jackson seem like a mentally disturbed lunatic with a penchant for the flesh of little children, Robel has been placed on the defence witness list.

Juicy.

You’ll all be pleased to hear us announce that Jackson was definitely cleared of those molestation charges and, as Michael Jackson’s passionate legion of fans are always so eager to point out to us, there have never ever been any cases where juries have got that kind of thing wrong. It’s never happened. OJ Simpson? Didn’t kill anyone!

There’s no room for speculation. Human beings are completely and utterly infallible- that’s why Dr Conrad Murray definitely killed Michael Jackson and the whole thing is a conspiracy designed to deprive the world of increasingly woeful pop music. You know… according to MJ fans. Not that we have any interest in baiting them.

Of course, it’s not enough for Steve Robel to be pulled from the defence: prosecutors want all references to alleged molestation barred from Murray’s trial, on the supposed grounds it has nothing to do with MJ’s death and would serve only sway the jury in their thinking toward the dead Moonwalker.

In addition, prosecutors have also asked the judge to block the testimony of a number of doctors who treated Michael Jackson but were not involved in caring for MJ on the day of his death on the grounds that what they might say could actually have some bearing on the case. Heaven forbid.

Judge Pastor is yet to rule on the motions but when he does, he’s expected to decide based on the way they make him feel.

Still, as Michael Jackson’s fans are so fond of pointing out, we don’t have any reason to be commenting on something like this. Given that we’re neither fans of Michael Jackson, systematic delusion or manslaughter; we don’t really know or care about it.

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Ferris Bueller, the 80s wild child played by Matthew Broderick, only had one problem in his annoyingly perfect life, the relentless Dean of Students at his High School, Ed Rooney.

Well, Ferris’s days of running from Mr. Rooney can finally be put behind him after 14 long years as actor Jeffrey Jones was sentenced to 250 hours community service and 3 years probation for failing to update his details on the sex offenders register.

For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Rooney turned out to be a bit of a nonce, which added a really creepy subtext to the scenes in which Rooney tries hunting down Ferris Bueller in a bid to prove that he’s ditching school. Obviously Jeffrey Jones just wanted to spend a hot and sweaty summer locked in a room with a young Matthew Broderick.

Jones, who’s creepy smile and ginger moustache just scream paedo, pleaded guilty to failing to update his registry information, which he was required to do after pleading no contest to a whole host of creepy, child porn related charges in 2003.

We here at Hecklerspray don’t know exactly what his community service will entail, but we do like to speculate. After playing Mr. Rooney, Jones has all the relevant experience to actually become a real life truancy officer, plus with his love of teenage boys he’d be even keener to track them down. It would be like Dog the Bounty Hunter, only 10 times more disturbing, which takes some doing.

One thing is certain, this latest indiscretion will put a spanner in the works of the Ferris Bueller sequel. Ferris and Cameron are probably too old for Rooney now anyway. Plus Sloane would probably be played by Sarah Jessica Parker and no one wants to see that.

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When will Gary Glitter realise that his punishment isn’t over?

Yes, he served three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting young girls, but when he eventually gets back to Britain – where seemingly everyone in South East Asia is trying to make him go – he’s not going to be able to sit back, relax and record his new album as he said he wants to.

Though we are convinced that being a convicted kiddy fiddler wouldn’t stand in the way of chart success.

But Gary Glitter is making it all rather hard on himself, by refusing to travel back to the UK to face his further punishments. Instead he’s running about like a paedo-Benny Hill from airport to airport around the Asian region he was kicked out of, being turned away from one country then the next as everywhere locks arms with the sole purpose of keeping him out.

Now we’re all for human rights, we can be surprisingly liberal and we believe in equality for all – but we can’t help but find all this delightfully funny. No one likes you Glitter, and no one wants you.

After being released from prison on Tuesday, Glitter was placed on a flight that would connect him back to Britain. On reaching hecklerspray‘s homeland he would be met by police who would – after presumably stopping him from getting lynched by an angry mob, like we’re so good at forming in this country – make the glam-rock-pederast sign the sex offender’s register. His location and movements would then be monitored in a very thought policey way, though he’s a convicted child molester so we can make an exception for that particular Orwellian nightmare.

That was the plan, at least.

Instead, Glitter made sure he missed the connecting flight from Bangkok to Blighty by feigning first a heart attack, then a sudden bout of tinnitus. After waiting in the transit lounge for 24 hours, he accepted the offer of a flight to Hong Kong – probably expecting no one to have heard of him, what with that particular region having no connection whatsoever with Great Britain.

So it must have come as a real shock when he was refused entry to Hong Kong and instead forced to board a flight back to Bangkok, lest he be arrested for illegally being in the country.

If it were anyone else you really might feel a twinge of sympathy for them… oh well.

According to The Sun – a newspaper that once printed a countdown to when an underage popstar would be legal, yet at the same time prides itself on being something of a moral crusader – Gary Glitter said this while on one flight:

“God, am I happy to be leaving Vietnam and that jail. I should never have been in there.”

Though unconfirmed, one report (that we just made up in our head) suggests a response to this was:

“Shut up you fat old paedo, shave that beard off that makes you look MORE like a paedo and stop doing dodgy things with kids. You paedo.”

Unfortunately it would seem that Glitter will have to return to his home nation at some point, and stupid international law dictates that we have to let him in. As Colonel Voravat Amornvivat stated:

“We have to expel him to Britain, his homeland and the only country which must allow him to enter as he’s a national.”

Oh well, at least we know that if he survives the inevitable lynching, the press won’t ever leave him alone. Plus his new album will probably be shit.

You wanna be in his gang? No thanks, Gary Glitter!

Not only may we be lead into one of your paedophile rings, but we may also be appropriated to suffer a shame-induced acute myocardial infarction at a mere 63 years young, just like your randy, goat-bearded self.

In fact, you and your gang can go and take a jump!

That's right folks disgraced former pop star Gary Glitter is recovering in prison hospital after a heart attack scare.

He was moved from his cell after suffering from severe diarrhoea and an irregular heartbeat, and taken to a prisoners clinic in the southern province of Binh Thuan earlier this month. He recovered from intestinal problems about a week later, but was kept in after tests showed his heartbeat was slower than normal.

You may or may not be pleased to hear that his doctor, Dr Hoa, said: 

"He is fine now. Every morning he smiles and says good morning to me when I see him." 

Dr Hoa also said that Glitter was exercising daily – in case you give a shit. Glitter was jailed in 2005 at The Duc prison in Binh Thuan, Vietnam, for molesting two girls with a combined age of 21 and is due for release this August, three months ahead of schedule, because he's been behaving himself. 

That's the spirit, Gary. Keep up the good work and maybe one day we'll consider rejoining your gang. Not!!!!