Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson’s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne’s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright – wipe away the tears.

The doddering metal god was saddened to learn that his little Pomeranian, Little Bit, was apparently eaten by a coyote. Why the animal thought Ozzy’s pointless excuse for a dog was something worth spending time killing we’re really not sure, but apparently that didn’t stop the demonic hound of hell.

But why didn’t the grandfather of darkness intervene and shake at the beast while swearing in an incomprehensible outburst to stop it from the (probably quite comedic to watch) mauling? Why, because he was watching the Michael Jackson memorial, of course.

So while Ozzy Osbourne was sat watching a tearful child, recently deprived of her father, speak publicly for the first time in her life – which happened to be to billions of people – one of his favourite pets was being torn to pieces by a naughty wild dog.

That’s quite possibly the saddest day that’s ever happened.

Here – look at something funny to cheer yourselves up… this will do.

A source told THE NEWS:

“Sharon and Ozzy love their dogs to bits. It’s like losing a family member. They are both devastated.”

And from the sound of things, the coyote loved it to bits too. Just for different reasons.

For anyone worried about the potential for wild animals to attack their pets – badgers are little fuckers, after all – the Department of Animal Services had these handy words at… hand:

“Wild animals are opportunistic, and coyotes fit this mould very well.”

Wild animals in ‘fitting the mould of wild animals’ shocker.

Snorting a line of ants? Check. Chewing the heads off animals? Check. Urinating on the Alamo? Check. Getting hammered and trying to murder his wife? Check. Falling over a couple of times before the Brit Awards earlier this year? No way! Ugh! You sick bastard! Suggest that and Ozzy Osbourne will sue your tits off.

And win, too – Ozzy Osbourne has won undisclosed damages from the Daily Star after it claimed that Ozzy had a health scare right before the Brit Awards that almost saw him get withdrawn from the show. Turns out, though, that he was such a shaky and incoherent mess during the Brit Awards because he’s Ozzy Osbourne. Sheesh.

Anyone who saw the Brit Awards this year will know two things – 1) that there’s not a court in the land that would convict you for tearing Mika’s head off and shoving it up his bottom and, 2) whoever let the Osbournes host the show is a clown.

Because the Osbournes were dreadful for so many different ways. Kelly and Jack Osbourne, knowing that that sort of stuff is what they’re going to do for the rest of their lives, dug in grimly and tried to act all professional while Sharon Osbourne managed to get so enraged at Vic Reeves that she actually bent the laws of space and time.

And then there was Ozzy Osbourne – a man who was only allowed to say about four words during the entire show, and even then in the wrong order at completely the wrong time. But the thing is, that’s Ozzy Osbourne. Ever since The Osbournes was on TV he’s been a kind of professional shambles. That’s what we expect from him.

You know what would have happened if Ozzy Osbourne had dug into his heart and delivered a precise, eloquent speech about the myriad ways that Paul McCartney had influenced him as a person and a musician at the climax of The Brits? There’d have been a bloody riot. Appalled Brit School students would have torn up their seats in protest and Take That would have started bottling each other in the face out of nothing more than confused fury. It would have been awful.

So instead Ozzy Osbourne just yelled “Laydeezangennalman, Mr Sir Pol McCartnezizzyszzagh!” and everyone was happy. Especially the Daily Star, because it got to write a story called Ozzy’s Freak Show claiming that Ozzy’s shambolic appearance was down to him collapsing twice before the show and spooking the organisers into discussing whether or not he should appear at all.

None of that actually happened, by the way, which is why Ozzy Osbourne has just won a massive libel settlement against the newspaper, as BBC News reports:

Rocker Ozzy Osbourne has accepted libel damages from the Daily Star over allegations he suffered a health scare which jeopardised the Brit Awards. Osbourne’s lawyer John Kelly said the article had caused “considerable embarrassment and distress”. He added that the newspaper now accepted that Osbourne was fit enough to present the awards and had not suffered health problems.

But, as embarrassing as this ordeal must have been for Ozzy Osbourne, at least there’s a happy ending – Ozzy has decided to donate all his damages to Sharon Osbourne’s colon charity. And, although we’re not sure of the exact figure he received, it’s thought to be at least enough to send four underdeveloped Southeast Asian boys up into Sharon Osbourne’s colon with industrial floor polishers and not come out until it’s shiny and polished enough to eat your dinner off.

Daily Star, everyone scheduled to eat their dinner out of Sharon Osbourne’s arse thanks you for your libellous inaccuracies. Keep up the good work.

And that's Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.

It'll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have more or less said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn't want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that's who.

As essentially rational human beings, we'd have trouble leaving Ozzy Osbourne in charge of a tin opener in case he ended up concussing himself with it somehow. However, some people aren't as obviously clever as us, and they've put Ozzy Osbourne in charge of Britain's biggest live-televised music awards show.

Ozzy Osbourne's hosting the Brits tomorrow night, alongside members of his family who have variously been rejected by Joss Stone and almost died in a house fire and called Mother Teresa a cunt. It sounds like a should be a total shambles, but let's not forget that Ozzy Osbourne is a respectable older gentleman now, and he'll have been primped and prepared to within an inch of his life to ensure that nothing goes wron…

What's that? Ozzy Osbourne is going to call the Brits short and launch a violent attack on Heather Mills if she manages to turn up to the Brits and present an award tomorrow? Fair enough. Female First reports:

Speaking about the rumours Heather is planning to attend the prestigious bash, Sharon said: "I would boot her off. I think she's a miserable old cow." Ozzy – who will present Paul with the BRITs Lifetime Achievement Award – added: "I'm looking forward to seeing Paul McCartney – he's my hero. The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go – I think the audience will string her up. Sharon and I have met them both her on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."

Let's hope this warning is enough to stop Heather Mills from attending the Brits. After all, it isn't just Ozzy Osbourne out to get her. Rod Stewart has also made his dislike of Heather Mills clear, and don't forget that Paul McCartney will be performing at the Brits, and we all know how tasty he is with a sawn-off wineglass. If she's not careful, Heather Mills could stumble into a bloodbath.

So if she's sensible, Heather Mills will steer clear of the Brits and let it pass without incident. Well, apart from the incident when Ozzy Osbourne inevitably trips over a power cable onstage, spears a Brit through his eye and sets fire to Kylie Minogue's hair on live TV. But that was always going to happen.

Read more:

Ozzy Osbourne's Heather threat – Female First 

But Ozzy is more then just a rock clown married to a woman possibly on a par with Michael Jackson for the amount of plastic surgery she’s had. In fact, Ozzy Osbourne is a man who's just got himself involved with the law, even though he knew nothing about it and and now he's all annoyed at the police over it. This is a confusing one.

So Ozzy Osbourne has helped to catch 30 criminals. However, as much as it breaks our hearts to admit it, Ozzy didn’t actually get to don his best Sherlock Holmes gear and browse the streets looking for clues to crack the case that had been leaving the force scratching their heads for months. In fact it's bollocks to say that Ozzy actually did anything at all.  

What actually happened is the result of North Dakota sheriff Paul Laney, who invited 500 criminals over for a party where it was claimed that Ozzy would perform. This prompts two questions: Are the police over in the States too lazy to get a criminal's address, knock on their door and arrest them? Or are the American bad boys and girls really stupid enough to believe that Osbourne would welcome them with open arms so they could spend an entire night ant-snorting and dove-chewing together? 

Anyway, it appears that some people were actually dumb enough to believe Laney's set-up. Around 30 people turned up to his sting and were consequently arrested for stealing jars of mayonnaise or something. You might be wondering why the criminals thought Ozzy Osbourne would be appearing in a nightclub in Fargo, North Dakota. The simple reason being that the rock legend was due to play at a nearby arena around the same time. Using this information, the police set up a simple sting operation. 

Consequently, this move by the police force hasn’t actually pleased the Prince Of Darkness, who said: 

“Instead of holding a press conference to pat himself on the back, Sheriff Laney should be apologising to me for using my name in connection with these arrests. It is insulting to me and to my audience and it shows how lazy this particular sheriff is when it comes to doing his job." 

You get the insinuation here – that Sheriff Laney figures all Ozzy Osbourne fans are criminals while Ozzy Osbourne knows his fans, although all possessed with suspect personal hygiene, are law-abiding citizens of the highest order.

While these tactics may seem like lazy policing, it could help to influence our own trigger-happy police force to do the same. Heroin addicts could be duped into attending an intimate performance by Amy Winehouse, serial golddiggers could have a seminar with Heather Mills and illegal firearm owners could have a day in the forest brushing up on their aiming skills with Phil Spector.