Trashing hotel rooms is something of a right of passage for rock stars. They do it through boredom, anger or, in the case of most modern bands, because you’ve been told you MUST do it and as we all know, modern rock bands haven’t got an original idea between them.

However, when it comes to wilful destruction, there’s not many who are as creative as Ozzy Osbourne.

As we’ve all heard, he’s bitten the head from a bat, as well as biting the head off a dove and spitting it at the CEOs of his record company. He also took a piss on The Alamo. But what about destroying a room with a dead shark?

That’s right. Ozzy once soaked a room in shark’s blood while he cut its head off while on tour with Black Sabbath.

Sabbath guitarman Tony Iommi admits that, at the height of the band’s wild days, Ozzy decided to go mental with a shark corpse because the group were thoroughly bored of taking drugs.

Tony said:

“With drugs always you get bored, so you must do something to one another. Like Ozzy hauling a shark through a window, dismembering it and soaking our room in blood.”

The fingerless guitarist has just released his memoirs called ‘Iron Man: My Journey Through Heaven and Hell With Black Sabbath’. That’s why he’s indulging in a rock star’s favourite activity – remembering the good ol’ days.

Iommi also said:

“We had management problems, I married four times. Was a lousy husband. I suddenly didn’t feel good, so I stopped drugs. No rehab. I’m a country squire. I live on a farm with dogs and chickens. All I want is to work. I’m dedicated to working. Listen, I’ve set up equipment inside an enormous dungeon in a huge castle in Wales. And worked. I felt creative.”

So there you have it. If you’re a pampered rock star and the drugs have gotten too much for you, the best thing to do is to cause havoc with a large cadaver and then put some equipment in a dungeon.

Simples.

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Imagine this. You’re pasty. You have a gigantic head. You’re accent is neither here-nor-there. You have made a living purely from swearing and being a vague dare-devil on some terrestrial sub-channel. You’re an Osbourne.

The chances of you successfully mating with someone should be so slim, that you feel like chopping your wang off.

However, we live in a stupid, stupid world and, indeed, Jack Osbourne has not only found someone who will willingly have sex with him, but they’re also willing to repeatedly do it without a prophylactic so that your Osbourne seed will harvest in your womb. Like we said, it’s a stupid, stupid world.

Less than two weeks after confirming his engagement to absolutely no-one, Jack Osbourne has indeed announced that he’s going to be a father.

He says:

“I’m excited. I’m a little nervous”

And we’re all collectively nauseated about thinking of Jack ‘on the job’, all sweating and grunting AHLUVYOUBABY in the ear of actress Lisa Stelly (no, us neither).

Speaking of Stelly, who has clearly suffered some kind of massive head trauma at some point, she thinks Jack Osbourne – y’know? THAT Jack Osbourne – is the bee’s knees.

She tweeted:

“The most amazing man I’ve ever met asked me to marry him….and he wasn’t joking!”

Still, things aren’t all bad. Thanks to Ozzy Osbourne being on the scene, he may well relive the old days and try and bite baby’s head off.

Now that’d be a story worth writing.

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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.

However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.

Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.

That’s right! Terrible atrocities may well be going on around the world and despotic leaders cling to power with their bloody nails scraping down palatial walls, but Sharon Osbourne has had porn sent to her phone by a complete stranger!

Kelly spluttered that her oddly-faced mother contacted her in a massive panic after she opened up a message, which displayed material that was Rated X.

Kelly tweeted:

“My mum just told me the funniest story. someone thinks they are texting a friend named sam but they are accidentally texting my mum porn! My mum is like ‘i dont want anyone thinking i like looking at dirty horrible things like that!’ she is freaking out its so funny!”

Amazing, given that she’s probably had to do some dirty horrible things in her life, seeing as she worked in rock ‘n’ roll with various members of Black Sabbath before finding a TV career.

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Seven of the current Top Ten has got the ubiquitous ‘feat.’ on the sleeve. Yep, it is pretty common these days to get some rapper to wander into the studio on lay down a quick half-baked rhyme to break up the sound of an autotuned voice. Sometimes it works… often, you simply wonder why.

With so many collabs in the charts presently, it got us thinking about the times it really doesn’t work at all. We’re talking Bing and Bowie levels of wrong (for the record, not included in the list because it is insultingly obvious).

So with that, here’s a Top 10 Worst Musical Collaborations in pop history. There’s a very good chance we’ve forgotten some, so feel free to add your own musical collaborative crimes in the comments.

Texas (feat. Method Man)

Wu Tang are ace… but when they’re bad, they’re really really really really really bad.

Ozzy Osbourne (feat Miss Piggy)

Does exactly what it says on the tin and the innards of the tin are as awful as imagined.

Buzz Aldrin (feat. Snoop Dogg)

Pardon. Yessum. Buzz Aldrin rapping. Rapping about space.

Bone Thugz N Harmony (feat. Phil Collins)

Soulless meets soulless and creates a soul vacuum.

Scooter (feat. Status Quo)

You could probably have a top 10 worst Status Quo collabs alone (check out their dreadful Beach Boys tag-team) but this takes the biscuit.

Sam Moore (feat. Lou Reed)

Old grumpy arse tries his hand at making soul music with one half of Sam & Dave. Hilarity ensues that is blighted by intentionally wacky video.

Orbital (feat. David Gray)

Orbital made some astonishing records in the ’90s and nearly undid all that fine work with this tripe.

Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker

Classic.

Sean Kingston (feat. Justin Bieber)

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Blue (feat. Stevie Wonder)

Soul legend gets lumbered with four ham-brained idiots who collectively do their absolutely best to piss on the memory of Motown Records. Well done lads. Really. Well done.

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10 – The end of the actual world: coming sooner than you think - Asylum

9 – Katie Holmes undergoes an internal software upgrade – AmyGrindhouse

8 – That’s DOCTOR Ozzy Osbourne to you – Slantedscience

7 - What’s that? You want to see a child having his teeth pulled out BY A ROCKET? Oh, fine, whatever – Geekologie

6 - World Cup: pundit appraisal – WatchWithMothers

5 – World Cup: something scary that might make your eyes bleed – McMental

4 - Boardwalk Empire might look like the most exciting thing ever made, but what about the clothes in it? – Clothesonfilm

3 – Larry King: Possibly the world’s greatest Twitterer – Buzzfeed

2 – The motion capture thing for the Xbox looks RUBBISH - Cracked

1 – And finally, the weather…

The world of entertainment has lost another of its true greats, adding yet another name to the list of death in the last few months.

Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson‘s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne‘s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright – wipe away the tears.

The doddering metal god was saddened to learn that his little Pomeranian, Little Bit, was apparently eaten by a coyote. Why the animal thought Ozzy’s pointless excuse for a dog was something worth spending time killing we’re really not sure, but apparently that didn’t stop the demonic hound of hell.

But why didn’t the grandfather of darkness intervene and shake at the beast while swearing in an incomprehensible outburst to stop it from the (probably quite comedic to watch) mauling? Why, because he was watching the Michael Jackson memorial, of course.

So while Ozzy Osbourne was sat watching a tearful child, recently deprived of her father, speak publicly for the first time in her life – which happened to be to billions of people – one of his favourite pets was being torn to pieces by a naughty wild dog.

That’s quite possibly the saddest day that’s ever happened.

Here – look at something funny to cheer yourselves up… this will do.

A source told THE NEWS:

“Sharon and Ozzy love their dogs to bits. It’s like losing a family member. They are both devastated.”

And from the sound of things, the coyote loved it to bits too. Just for different reasons.

For anyone worried about the potential for wild animals to attack their pets – badgers are little fuckers, after all – the Department of Animal Services had these handy words at… hand:

“Wild animals are opportunistic, and coyotes fit this mould very well.”

Wild animals in ‘fitting the mould of wild animals’ shocker.

We’d always figured that Ozzy Osbourne was pretty libel-proof, because whatever you accuse him of, chances are he’s already done it.

Snorting a line of ants? Check. Chewing the heads off animals? Check. Urinating on the Alamo? Check. Getting hammered and trying to murder his wife? Check. Falling over a couple of times before the Brit Awards earlier this year? No way! Ugh! You sick bastard! Suggest that and Ozzy Osbourne will sue your tits off.

And win, too – Ozzy Osbourne has won undisclosed damages from the Daily Star after it claimed that Ozzy had a health scare right before the Brit Awards that almost saw him get withdrawn from the show. Turns out, though, that he was such a shaky and incoherent mess during the Brit Awards because he’s Ozzy Osbourne. Sheesh.

Anyone who saw the Brit Awards this year will know two things – 1) that there’s not a court in the land that would convict you for tearing Mika‘s head off and shoving it up his bottom and, 2) whoever let the Osbournes host the show is a clown.

Because the Osbournes were dreadful for so many different ways. Kelly and Jack Osbourne, knowing that that sort of stuff is what they’re going to do for the rest of their lives, dug in grimly and tried to act all professional while Sharon Osbourne managed to get so enraged at Vic Reeves that she actually bent the laws of space and time.

And then there was Ozzy Osbourne – a man who was only allowed to say about four words during the entire show, and even then in the wrong order at completely the wrong time. But the thing is, that’s Ozzy Osbourne. Ever since The Osbournes was on TV he’s been a kind of professional shambles. That’s what we expect from him.

You know what would have happened if Ozzy Osbourne had dug into his heart and delivered a precise, eloquent speech about the myriad ways that Paul McCartney had influenced him as a person and a musician at the climax of The Brits? There’d have been a bloody riot. Appalled Brit School students would have torn up their seats in protest and Take That would have started bottling each other in the face out of nothing more than confused fury. It would have been awful.

So instead Ozzy Osbourne just yelled “Laydeezangennalman, Mr Sir Pol McCartnezizzyszzagh!” and everyone was happy. Especially the Daily Star, because it got to write a story called Ozzy’s Freak Show claiming that Ozzy’s shambolic appearance was down to him collapsing twice before the show and spooking the organisers into discussing whether or not he should appear at all.

None of that actually happened, by the way, which is why Ozzy Osbourne has just won a massive libel settlement against the newspaper, as BBC News reports:

Rocker Ozzy Osbourne has accepted libel damages from the Daily Star over allegations he suffered a health scare which jeopardised the Brit Awards. Osbourne’s lawyer John Kelly said the article had caused “considerable embarrassment and distress”. He added that the newspaper now accepted that Osbourne was fit enough to present the awards and had not suffered health problems.

But, as embarrassing as this ordeal must have been for Ozzy Osbourne, at least there’s a happy ending – Ozzy has decided to donate all his damages to Sharon Osbourne’s colon charity. And, although we’re not sure of the exact figure he received, it’s thought to be at least enough to send four underdeveloped Southeast Asian boys up into Sharon Osbourne’s colon with industrial floor polishers and not come out until it’s shiny and polished enough to eat your dinner off.

Daily Star, everyone scheduled to eat their dinner out of Sharon Osbourne’s arse thanks you for your libellous inaccuracies. Keep up the good work.

The Brits are tomorrow, and only one thing can save us from the slow carbon monoxide poisoning of Mika, Kaiser Chiefs and Leona Lewis performances.

And that's Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.

It'll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have more or less said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn't want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that's who.

As essentially rational human beings, we'd have trouble leaving Ozzy Osbourne in charge of a tin opener in case he ended up concussing himself with it somehow. However, some people aren't as obviously clever as us, and they've put Ozzy Osbourne in charge of Britain's biggest live-televised music awards show.

Ozzy Osbourne's hosting the Brits tomorrow night, alongside members of his family who have variously been rejected by Joss Stone and almost died in a house fire and called Mother Teresa a cunt. It sounds like a should be a total shambles, but let's not forget that Ozzy Osbourne is a respectable older gentleman now, and he'll have been primped and prepared to within an inch of his life to ensure that nothing goes wron…

What's that? Ozzy Osbourne is going to call the Brits short and launch a violent attack on Heather Mills if she manages to turn up to the Brits and present an award tomorrow? Fair enough. Female First reports:

Speaking about the rumours Heather is planning to attend the prestigious bash, Sharon said: "I would boot her off. I think she's a miserable old cow." Ozzy – who will present Paul with the BRITs Lifetime Achievement Award – added: "I'm looking forward to seeing Paul McCartney – he's my hero. The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go – I think the audience will string her up. Sharon and I have met them both her on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."

Let's hope this warning is enough to stop Heather Mills from attending the Brits. After all, it isn't just Ozzy Osbourne out to get her. Rod Stewart has also made his dislike of Heather Mills clear, and don't forget that Paul McCartney will be performing at the Brits, and we all know how tasty he is with a sawn-off wineglass. If she's not careful, Heather Mills could stumble into a bloodbath.

So if she's sensible, Heather Mills will steer clear of the Brits and let it pass without incident. Well, apart from the incident when Ozzy Osbourne inevitably trips over a power cable onstage, spears a Brit through his eye and sets fire to Kylie Minogue's hair on live TV. But that was always going to happen.

Read more:

Ozzy Osbourne's Heather threat – Female First 

To us, Ozzy Osbourne is a funny old man. Despite not being able to string a sentence together properly, he is still idolised by millions across the world.

But Ozzy is more then just a rock clown married to a woman possibly on a par with Michael Jackson for the amount of plastic surgery she’s had. In fact, Ozzy Osbourne is a man who's just got himself involved with the law, even though he knew nothing about it and and now he's all annoyed at the police over it. This is a confusing one.

So Ozzy Osbourne has helped to catch 30 criminals. However, as much as it breaks our hearts to admit it, Ozzy didn’t actually get to don his best Sherlock Holmes gear and browse the streets looking for clues to crack the case that had been leaving the force scratching their heads for months. In fact it's bollocks to say that Ozzy actually did anything at all.  

What actually happened is the result of North Dakota sheriff Paul Laney, who invited 500 criminals over for a party where it was claimed that Ozzy would perform. This prompts two questions: Are the police over in the States too lazy to get a criminal's address, knock on their door and arrest them? Or are the American bad boys and girls really stupid enough to believe that Osbourne would welcome them with open arms so they could spend an entire night ant-snorting and dove-chewing together? 

Anyway, it appears that some people were actually dumb enough to believe Laney's set-up. Around 30 people turned up to his sting and were consequently arrested for stealing jars of mayonnaise or something. You might be wondering why the criminals thought Ozzy Osbourne would be appearing in a nightclub in Fargo, North Dakota. The simple reason being that the rock legend was due to play at a nearby arena around the same time. Using this information, the police set up a simple sting operation. 

Consequently, this move by the police force hasn’t actually pleased the Prince Of Darkness, who said: 

“Instead of holding a press conference to pat himself on the back, Sheriff Laney should be apologising to me for using my name in connection with these arrests. It is insulting to me and to my audience and it shows how lazy this particular sheriff is when it comes to doing his job." 

You get the insinuation here – that Sheriff Laney figures all Ozzy Osbourne fans are criminals while Ozzy Osbourne knows his fans, although all possessed with suspect personal hygiene, are law-abiding citizens of the highest order.

While these tactics may seem like lazy policing, it could help to influence our own trigger-happy police force to do the same. Heroin addicts could be duped into attending an intimate performance by Amy Winehouse, serial golddiggers could have a seminar with Heather Mills and illegal firearm owners could have a day in the forest brushing up on their aiming skills with Phil Spector.