This isn’t a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him – by our calculations – over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from ‘N Sync.

And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing – now that he doesn’t have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that’s running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we’re wrong.

Dancing With The Stars is zipping towards its conclusion and, while that’s definitely something to celebrate if you don’t like watching people you didn’t know were famous jiggle their manboobs around underneath a sparkly pink lycra blouse, it’s also a time to look back with fondness on those we lost upon the way.

Cloris Leachman, Kim Kardashian, that volleyball player woman, Rocco DiSpirito, Toni Braxton, that big haired woman from the daytime soap we’ve never even heard of – we’ll miss every single one of you. Well, not Rocco DiSpirito obviously – we didn’t know you existed in the first place and, frankly, we think you might be making your name up.

Anyway, now we can add Maurice Greene to the list of Dancing With The Stars casualties. Last night Maurice Greene was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars after his Quickstep and Paso Doble failed to cut it with the viewing audience.

But, because he made it so far into Dancing With The Stars without getting voted out or having to go for surgery because he had a minge growing on his appendix or anything, Maurice Greene still managed to hold his head up in defeat, saying:

“I had a lot of fun. I made a lot of new friends out here. I learned how to dance out here in front of millions of people every night. I had a great time.”

It’s a bittersweet moment. Although the speech was a begrudging admission that he was never able to adapt his running style – presumably developed from years of running away from bullies because someone decided to name him Maurice – to a reality TV show about ballroom dancing, at least he carried on the proud tradition of the pointlessly bland Dancing With The Stars elimination statement. Congratulations, Maurice.

And, now that Maurice Greene is out, it means that the dancers gunning for a spot in the Dancing With The Stars final are Lance Bass, Brooke Burke, Warren Sapp and Cody Linley. That’s why we can confidently assert right now that the winner of Dancing With The Stars will be someone not particularly famous who nobody can really bring themselves to care about much. Call it intuition if you like.

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166 days after he went to prison for crashing his car spectacularly enough to require his friend John Graziano to receive constant medical attention, Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan has been released from jail. And, with soul-destroying inevitability, Nick Hogan is now thought to want a reality TV show about his life on the outside.

It’d be a good show, though, because Nick Hogan is bound to have been though new experiences during his jail sentence and sharing those experiences will be Nick Hogan’s way of giving something back. The only question is the name of the show – there’s already been a Hogan Knows Best and a Brooke Knows Best so… wait! We’ve got it! How about Nick Hogan Remembers Getting Anally Brutalised By An Arsonist? You know, provided that happened.

As all sorts of crappy films are wont to telling us, sometimes life can really change in an instant. And that couldn’t really be more true of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan.

One day, Nick Hogan was simply the alarmingly square-faced and overprivileged son of a professional wrestler, and then it all changed – the exact moment when Nick crashed his car during an alleged makeshift drag-race and injured his friend John Graziano to the extent where he’ll need medical care for the rest of his life was the exact moment when everything went wrong for everyone.

First there was the immediate knock-on of the crash – Nick Hogan went to jail for it, then ended up in solitary, then got sued by Graziano’s family which made him look even more of a callous sod than he did before. It must have been hard, but not as hard as what the crash did to his family life – his mother and father divorced in the wake of the crash, and then both started to get off with people his own age.

Harbouring the mental image of his mother – who looks disturbingly enough like a man as it is – having it away with someone who he went to school with is probably punishment enough for his crime, but now Nick Bollea has served the prison part of the punishment as well.

According to reports, Nick Hogan was released from Pinellas County Jail early this morning, two months before completing his sentence for good behaviour. While Nick Hogan hasn’t made a statement yet, his mother Linda has already done it for him, as MTV reports:

“This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick’s adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media’s role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time.”

Quite right. There is no reason to speak to the media – especially since doing that will nudge down the price that Nick Hogan can demand for his inevitable sad-faced OK! magazine covershoot and accompanying interview in a couple of months’ time.

And the matter of the reality TV show is still a bit fuzzy. Although Linda Hogan says that Nick’s life will be ‘media-free’ from now on, Nick himself was thought to be keen on finding a reality vehicle upon his release, and the TV networks are bound to be knocking at his door with offers soon. It might just better a matter of when, not if.

Besides, what can Nick Hogan do for a living other than star in reality TV shows? He’s probably not going to be accepted as a bus driver now, that’s for sure, and we’re not sure that the only other job he’s qualified for – using his skull as a template for industrial rectangular birdhouses – even exists.

Jessie Wallace’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Help was so toe-curlingly tryhard that it was less of a dance and more of a painful retelling of the third act of A Doll’s House. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she had a great big weepy tantrum about it afterwards that left her face looking like either an orange panda or an expressionist painting of a rotted tangerine.We can’t decide which.

But now Jessie Wallace is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Christine Bleakley – The worst thing you can be on Strictly Come Dancing is confident, because chances are it’ll come back and smack you in the face in the from of the squishy Scouse judge screeching bad alliterative insults at you, and that’s what happened to Christine Bleakley on Saturday. She spent the entire week leading up to Saturday’s Quickstep to She’s So Lovely bouncing around all full of herself like Scrappy Doo, only to end up sort of buggering it up. True, it was perky and cheeky and everything, but all her enthusiasm took away from her poise and precision, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that she “didn’t quite have quite the sparkle” that everyone wanted. Having said that, it’s abundantly clear that Christine Bleakley fancies her Strictly Come Dancing partner like mad – so at least it’ll set up a furious man-on-man topless fistfight between him and Adrian Chiles, which is something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Jodie Kidd – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd decided to go for a Rumba to I Just Can’t Stop Loving You. That’d be good, except for the twin facts that a) Rumbas are sexy dances and b) Jodie Kidd is roughly as sexy as a bucket of offal. That meant that her Strictly Come Dancing routine this weekend was a textbook example of wild overcompensation. Jodie wasn’t so much ’sexy’ as ‘pissed-up streetwhore’ and that sort of shone through. Our calculations show that, of their whole 90 second routine, Jodie and her partner spent approximately 65 seconds rubbing each other’s faces in a hamfisted approximation of lust, 10 seconds putting everyone off their tea by kissing each other and the remaining 15 seconds just sort of standing around doing the air lasso. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this, calling the routine “almost pornographic” although, to be fair, they were actually referring to Jodie’s partner’s obscene man-cleavage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Cherie Lunghi.

Therefore, we’ve decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week.

True, that means there’s a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night’s sleep.

Differences between Britain and America, volume 14 – on British dance-based reality TV shows, the contestants tend to be retired journalists and wholesome television presenters. In America, though, they tend to pick people who are only famous for having sex on the internet.

And that’s how Kim Kardashian ended up on Dancing With The Stars this year, alongside that other noted sex tape star, 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. We’re just kidding, Cloris Leachman has never made a sex tape. But we heard rumours about a filthy wax cylinder once.

However – and we’re not going to pretend we know how – Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night, and reacted in the same way that most of us would if we discovered that our home nation had rejected us due to our participation in a grotty little sex film a year and a bit ago. People reports:

Though she concluded the show with a playful rendition of one of their earlier dances, once the cameras were off Kardashian rushed to the waiting arms of her family and immediately broke down into tears. Kardashian’s publicist followed the inconsolable bombshell around the press line with a box of Kleenex since, once the waterworks started, there was no stopping the outpouring of genuine emotion.

Yeah, we know all about following Kim Kardashian around with a box of Kleenex, right boys? There was no stopping the general outpouring of human emotion that night! Right? Anyone? Boys? No? Anyone? Too much?

Anyway, Kim Kardashian’s partner seems to think that her innate shyness was what got her thrown off Dancing With The Stars. You see, Kim Kardashian just doesn’t like performing in front of large groups of people like that. She prefers intimacy, you know. Intimacy and a camera. Intimacy and a camera and a bloke’s ding-dong slapping around the inside of her mouth. Give her all that and Kim Kardashian probably would have won Dancing With The Stars.

Still, Kim should realise that there’s no point getting upset about being voted off a reality TV show. These moments are always a stepping stone to bigger and better things, so who knows? Maybe this time Kim Kardashian will be starring in a sex tape with two men. Or two men and a horse. Or two men and a horse and a pregnant diarrhea-stricken midget dressed as Heather Mills. The sky’s the limit.

On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker’s Island jail, where she’d been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers.

And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she’s changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true – it’s just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn’t be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.

Life’s probably been a bit cushy for you over the last eight or so months, hasn’t it? You’ve been able to walk the streets without worrying that an angry midget would jump out and thump you in the face with a mobile phone, or that a customer in your shop would throw such a tantrum that only a rugby-tackling policeman can shut her up.

Well we hope you enjoyed the freedom, because it’s business as usual again. Foxy Brown – the female rapper with more indiscriminate fury per square inch than the Cloverfield monster, Vinnie Jones and this cat combined – was released from jail on Friday after serving eight months including a lengthy stretch in solitary confinement. So if you own a manicure bar, or a beauty supplies shop or a face that Foxy Brown doesn’t like the look of, then watch out – Foxy Brown’s vengeance will be sustained and furious.

Except, wait, no – you won’t be getting any of that from Foxy Brown at all. It turns out that Foxy Brown found God in jail. Apparently he’s doing a 20-stretch for aggravated kidnapping. Oh, not really, but she did find him in jail and as a result she’ll never do anything bad again, as People reports:

Brown… cried as she hugged friends. She even singled out a couple people, saying, “These are my two number one fans. They are like family.” … “My family never missed a visit in eight months, ever. I cried coming out. I didn’t cry coming in. There’s a big difference. I believe that God put me there for a reason, Incarceration is serious,” she told Access Hollywood. Adding that the first place she wanted to go after her “learning experience” was church. “He got me through,” she said.

It’ll be interesting to see how this new religion affects Foxy Brown, especially in her performances. After all, it might be a bit difficult to put a pro-God spin on songs like Ride (Down South), Baller Bitch and Run Yo Shit. But if anyone can do it, it’ll be someone with the fierce intellect of Foxy Brown, we’re sure.

In fact, if God got Foxy Brown through jail, perhaps he can get her to help him out in the outside world, too. Statistically not many of you reading this will go to church, but that’d probably change if a violent midget dressed as a prostitute knocked on your door and threatened to beat your face to a pulp with a Blackberry if you didn’t show up on Sunday, admit it.

Basically what we’re saying is that Foxy Brown is like an updated version of John The Baptist, but slightly more hookerish to look at. We’re pleased you’re out, Foxy. Don’t hurt us.

Read more:

Foxy Brown’s Emotional Release from Prison – People

And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people. 

Unless you're some sort of expert, you've probably lost count of exactly what the celebrity rehab situation is at the moment. So, just to get you up to speed, Kirsten Dunst is in rehab and Amy Winehouse is in rehab unless she's not. Britney Spears was in something a bit like rehab, but she's out now and Eva Mendes was in rehab but she's out as well but soon she'll go back. Happy?  

Anyway, this is about Eva Mendes, so let's focus on her. Apparently Eva Mendes had been in rehab in Utah for weeks before anyone found out last Friday, and now she's out already. Sort of. E! Online reports:

A rep for the actress confirmed Mendes has returned to Los Angeles but said she soon plans to head back to the facility where she is being treated. "Eva is attending to some personal business in Los Angeles and intends to return to complete her treatment shortly," publicist Brad Cafarelli said in a statement.

Of course, what stings most about all this is how secretively Eva Mendes is playing it. There was no messy build-up, no crying in public and no almost getting fired by a movie producer for being such a massive trainwreck at work. It's all come out of the blue, and we can only hope that when she's finished her course of rehab Eva Mendes will give a series of dignity-shredding interviews about all her problems just to make up for it.

But still, nobody seems to have learnt why Eva Mendes even went to rehab in the first place – does she have a real problem or is this one of those Isaiah Washingtony pretend rehab stints? – although the odd clue has emerged here and there. Some sources have suggested that Eva Mendes has a cocaine problem, while others have pointed the finger at 'body issues' – which probably means bulimia – and 'low self-esteem'.

That'll be the same Eva Mendes who opened her last film by ramming her fingers up her chuff. And that's her with body issues and low self-esteem? We hate to think what Eva Mendes would be like with no body issues and high self-esteem, in that case.

Lindsay Lohan, probably. Ugh.

Read more:

Eva Mendes on Break from Rehab - E! Online 

No, it's worse than weird. It's wrong. Although it was reported yesterday that Pamela Anderson was ready to fulfil her duties as an out-of-touch celebrity bimbette by divorcing her most recent husband Rick Salomon after two months of happy marriage, the latest news is that perhaps Pamela Anderson won't get divorced after all. A post on Pamela Anderson's blog that worryingly reads "We're working things out…" has caused suspicions that she's already having second thoughts. So let's hope that Pam comes to her senses and completes her divorce soon, because we're pretty sure that a lasting Pamela Anderson marriage will upset the natural order of things and make the moon fall out of the sky and the seas boil. 

Maybe – just maybe – Pamela Anderson's policy of only marrying men who dick women on the internet wasn't such a hot idea. Pamela's marriage to sex tape star Tommy Lee ended in divorce and Hepatitis, Pamela's marriage to sex tape star Kid Rock ended in divorce and a weird argument about Borat, and now it looks like Pamela Anderson's marriage to sex tape star Rick Salomon is about to end in divorce and – worst of all – non-divorce.

You'll remember that yesterday we reported that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon had filed for divorce after just 73 days of marriage. It must have been a disappointing blow for Rick Salomon – not only had his marriage lasted for a full week less than the time it took Phileas Fogg to travel around the world, but it also meant that he'd miss out on next year's traditional MTV VMA Pamela Anderson husband-fight.

But maybe all that divorce talk was a bit premature. Even though divorce papers have been officially filed and everything's geared up for another routine divorce, Pamela Anderson has shaken things up on her blog by revealing that she is currently trying to talk out her differences with Rick Salomon in an effort to stay married. Pamela's blog – in its entirety – reads:

"We're working things out…"

Now, there's only a chance that this means Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are trying to reconcile their differences. It's equally likely that Pamela Anderson was referring to the difficulty she's having helping her young son with his homework from the book Very Basic Mathematics For Children And Idiots. Or, you know, it could mean that this is just a great big publicity stunt to try and boost sales of her Pamela Anderson Comedy Central Roast DVDs. We just don't know.

However, if these supposed peace talks between Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon fall through, it looks likely that Pamela will make good on her promise to retire from public life completely in five years. And that means she only has five years left to marry and divorce everyone else in the world with a penchant for public nudity. Marcia Cross must be quaking in her pubes.

Read more:

PS – Pamela Anderson