Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.
It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.
When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.
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Maurice Greene – the man who’s a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good – is out of Dancing With The Stars.
This isn’t a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him – by our calculations – over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from ‘N Sync.
And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing – now that he doesn’t have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that’s running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we’re wrong.
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Good news, fans of exploitative reality TV shows starring box-faced young criminal goons – Nick Hogan has been released from jail!
166 days after he went to prison for crashing his car spectacularly enough to require his friend John Graziano to receive constant medical attention, Hulk Hogan‘s son Nick Hogan has been released from jail. And, with soul-destroying inevitability, Nick Hogan is now thought to want a reality TV show about his life on the outside.
It’d be a good show, though, because Nick Hogan is bound to have been though new experiences during his jail sentence and sharing those experiences will be Nick Hogan’s way of giving something back. The only question is the name of the show – there’s already been a Hogan Knows Best and a Brooke Knows Best so… wait! We’ve got it! How about Nick Hogan Remembers Getting Anally Brutalised By An Arsonist? You know, provided that happened.
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Jessie Wallace has become the latest celebrity to be voted off Strictly Come Dancing because, well, because she was a bit poo.
Jessie Wallace’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Help was so toe-curlingly tryhard that it was less of a dance and more of a painful retelling of the third act of A Doll’s House. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she had a great big weepy tantrum about it afterwards that left her face looking like either an orange panda or an expressionist painting of a rotted tangerine.We can’t decide which.
But now Jessie Wallace is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…
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We’re red-blooded men, so if there’s one thing we like more than watching strangers have sex, it’s watching strangers have sex and then cry.
Therefore, we’ve decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week.
True, that means there’s a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night’s sleep.
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We’re not joking. Lock your doors, strap down your children and only go to sleep if you’re wearing full body armour – Foxy Brown is out of jail.
On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker’s Island jail, where she’d been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers.
And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she’s changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true – it’s just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn’t be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.
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We can't overstate how selfish Eva Mendes is being at the moment – what sort of self-respecting celebrity quietly goes off to rehab instead of having a massive teary public breakdown?
And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!
However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people.
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Pamela Anderson now gets divorced with such tick-tock regularity that it's become almost reassuring – so when Pamela Anderson tries to work out the differences with her husbands instead of just ditching them, it's a bit weird.
No, it's worse than weird. It's wrong. Although it was reported yesterday that Pamela Anderson was ready to fulfil her duties as an out-of-touch celebrity bimbette by divorcing her most recent husband Rick Salomon after two months of happy marriage, the latest news is that perhaps Pamela Anderson won't get divorced after all. A post on Pamela Anderson's blog that worryingly reads "We're working things out…" has caused suspicions that she's already having second thoughts. So let's hope that Pam comes to her senses and completes her divorce soon, because we're pretty sure that a lasting Pamela Anderson marriage will upset the natural order of things and make the moon fall out of the sky and the seas boil.
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