our new lord - HecklerSpray

Sean Kingston Wants You To Pester Him Constantly, Forever, Until He Eventually Snaps

December 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!

Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.

That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.

Sean Kingston To Defy God By Going Jet Skiing Again

August 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when we told you that God tried to kill Sean Kingston? Well, the young singer is about to defy Our Lord Whatshisface all over again by going jet-skiing after cheating certain death.

Talking to the press for the first time since he cracked his skull open on the side of a Miami bridge, the singer who once opined that Beautiful Girls make him ‘suicidal’ was noticeably slimmer as he discussed his recovery.

God gave Sean a shattered wrist, a broken jaw and water in his lung and has spent months eating his tea through a feeding tube with his head wired up. Not content with the warning from God, Sean fully intends to climb on a jet ski again and show that pesky universe ruler what’s what.

Sean Kingston Tweets To God, Proving That The Almighty Tried To Kill Him On His Jetski

June 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You rotten swinebrains thought we were making things up when we told you that God Almighty tried to kill Sean Kingston when he careered into a concrete bridge with his face in Miami.

You thought that we were just jesting you when we reported that God wanted to teach Kingston a lesson for singing about suicide. We weren’t! And now we have massive proof all over the place!

The giant fact is that Sean Kingston has said ?GOD IS GREAT!? in his first tweet since his divine accident which nearly killed him by taking his head clean off.

Sean Kingston Is Tottering Around After His Jet Ski Accident, Becomes New Jesus

June 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Sean Kingston, as you know, collided with a bridge at high speed. He was on a jet ski as opposed to, y’know, running on water. He isn’t Jesus, although, they do have similarities such as the ability to cure lepers and their mutual loathing of Ancient Rome.

Anyway, Sean was looking like he was going to shrug off his massive frame and join the choir invisible for a while, but it seems that he’s got out of his bed and started tottering around, which is good isn’t it?

Mainly because, if Kingston is our new saviour – which we suspect he is – this resurrection will mean we get another national holiday. Well done to Sean Kingston for that. And well done God for saving his second eldest.