Models are a confusing lot, aren’t they? They won’t get out of bed for less than £50,000, but ask them to dress up like the remains of a missing child in a secondhand clown’s wig and they’re anyone’s.

And, although they’re usually slow to admit it, everyone loves looking at bizarre couture fashion show outfits. Of course they do. You might spend your days plodding through spreadsheets in a grim florescent hellpit, but at least you’re not getting paid to stumble up and down a catwalk in an eyeless gimp mask that you can’t even bend your legs in.

OSOYOU, the clever cats that they are, have seized upon this fascination with moronically impractical designerwear and have come up with a gallery of the 16 worst examples they could find. Truly, these are some hopeless outfits. Although, having said that, we are eagerly waiting for the ‘David Bowie in Labryinth meets a giant woolly tampon’ look to trickle down to Topman.

Designer Disasters – OSOYOU

We’re quite ashamed to admit this, but we know who Nicky Hambleton-Jones is. We’ve seen her on TV. And, god help us, we like her.

Nicky Hambleton-Jones, for those of you who don’t know, is the virtually hairless host of Ten Years Younger – the Channel 4 fashion show that takes 30-year-olds who look like 50-year-olds and teaches them how to dress like 40-year-olds. It’s excellent, mainly because Nicky Hambleton-Jones seems like such a rude cow.

Anyway, if you’ve ever wanted the Nicky Hambleton-Jones treatment but don’t want to have your self-esteem smashed into dust for the rest of your life, OSOYOU has the very thing for you – they’ve got Nicky herself you give you her fashion secrets based on your body-shape.

True, the advice here is pretty broad – much along the lines of “hey fatty, have you ever tried wearing a belt?” – but it sure does work. Why, we’re currently wearing a well-padded push-up bra and Nicky’s right – it does hide our boyish figure!

Nicky Hambleton-Jones’ Body Shape Tips – OSOYOU

With the Sex And The City movie pulling lonely insecure women into cinemas in their droves, there’s only one question left to ask.

And that’s this – after seeing the overlong exploits of some weird-looking women who’ve developed bizarre shoe fixations to distract them from the endlessly bleak landmark-free waltz to their unhappy deaths, how can you dress more like the Sex And The City girls?

OSOYOU has the answer. And it’s a real answer, too, not like the cobblers we’d have probably told you – they’ve picked out costumes from the Sex And The City movie and found the nearest High Street equivalent. If you’re really that obsessed about looking like the middle-aged borderline alcoholics that you just saw in a film, then it’s probably quite invaluable.

Or, if that’s too much of a faff you can just do what Sarah Jessica Parker has done in the picture and punch the shit out of a tree elf until it gives you its clothes. Whichever’s easiest, really.

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The killer Sex and the City dresses and how to get the look! - OSOYOU

Horoscopes are inherently brilliant and always right. Just the other day our horoscope said that we’d wake up crying because we made such a mess of our lives, and guess what? We did!

But some horoscopes are so boring, aren’t they. Always telling you how to live your life. YAWN! We only want to read horoscopes that tell us how to dress from now on, which is marvellous because OSOYOU has published a brand new Style Horoscope.

It’s quite cool – you look up your star sign and you’re greeted with a brief outline of your ideal style and a bunch of clothes and accessories that match your personality type. Apparently we’d look good in Fuchsia Euphoria lipstick and some Ciel gold satin trousers. Crazy – that’s what we’re already wearing!

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Style Horoscopes – OSOYOU

Caprice, eh? Don’t hear much from her these days, do you? Not since that time she pleaded guilty to drink driving in court, anyway.

But still, aside from getting hammered on booze and driving around in an irresponsible fashion, it’s almost as if Caprice has disappeared off the face of the Earth. That’s a shame, because we were really keen to find out who she considers to be her style icons. And now we’ll never find out, so we may as just bloody well kill ourselves.

Except, wait, no – OSOYOU has somehow managed to track Caprice down. Rumour has it they found her living in a cave in a faraway forest where she’s grown a full-length beard, is married to a feral mountain goat and exists purely on a diet of raw bat guano. And thanks to this remarkable discovery, we’re finally able to read what Caprice’s top style tips are. Nice to have to back, Caprice.

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Caprice Interview – OSOYOU

We’ve just been handed details on how you can get your hands on two free music downloads, but you’ll have to move fast.

Fashion and beauty website OSOYOU, responsible for all the cleavage competitions we’ve been telling you about lately, is giving away two free music downloads from 7digital.com to the next 500 people who join the site. Needless to say, unless you’re a bloke who really loves fashion and beauty, this one’s probably best left to the girls.

And, once you’ve joined OSOYOU for free, you’ll be exposed to an array of fashion and beauty tips and trends so dazzling that you’ll never want to leave. So hurry up.

Sign up for your free downloads now

The Big Brother ‘Where Are They Now?’ file is giant and largely pointless, full of Nuts covershoots and hamfisted stabs at TV presenting.

And then there’s Samanda. You know – Samanda. They were twins from last year’s Big Brother. One of them was called Sam and one of them was called Amanda. They were shit, but they almost won. Remember? The only thing either of them said from beginning to end for the entire length of the series was the word ‘pink’. Ah, now you remember.

Since leaving Big Brother, Samanda released a cover version of Barbie Girl that couldn’t have been any more terrible if it was a Finnish death metal song called Rape The Young. The song rightfully failed, which is why Samanda have implemented Plan B.

And Plan B, believe it or not, is a fashion column on the internet. We know, we’re as staggered as you are. As far as we were aware, neither Sam or Amanda could even speak a coherent sentence, let alone write one. And yet here they are blabbing away about clothes like they’re bloody experts.

Want to know what Samanda thinks about floral prints? About Agyness Deyn? About the French first lady? Oh you bloody do. Which is why you should probably click the link below.

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Samanda – Osoyou