We can all agree that Daniel Day Lewis deserved to pick up his second Oscar this week for There Will Be Blood. But let's face it, there have been some people who shouldn't even have been let in the building, never mind win the award.

In recent years, standards have certainly slipped. In fact, the way things are looking, even the likes of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, Sir Roger Moore, and perhaps Big Mo from EastEnders stand a fleeting chance at Oscar glory. So let us present the Oscar-winning performances that surely should never have been...

However, when the strike ended, the producers of the Oscars had a brainwave. "What's better than The Oscars That Didn't Happen?" they reasoned, "Why, The Oscars That Nobody Cares About!"

And, as such, the big winners at last night's Oscars were No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood, La Vie En Rose, The Counterfeiters and Michael Clayton - a selection of films whose combined box office grosses would just about stretch to buying you a particularly nice clothes peg. Oh, and Ratatouille won an Oscar too, but hopefully the tremendous oversight of giving an award to a popular film that people actually liked will be rectified by next year.

For all the bluster yesterday that the Oscars would go on regardless of a continued writers' strike, it now looks like actors have got nowhere to get hammered afterwards.

The Vanity Fair Oscars party - probably the most prestigious Oscar night party held by a magazine specifically for actresses to get trollied on free booze because they're not as good as Cate Blanchett - has been cancelled.

It's a blow to the credibility of the Oscars and no mistake - with no Vanity Fair party to go to, Elizabeth Hurley's got nowhere to topple out of in front of some cameramen even though she's never been able to make a film that hasn't made us want to stab ourselves in the neck. Won't someone think of Elizabeth Hurley?

While everyone can agree that the writers' strike has gone on for too long, they all also secretly agree that it'd be nice if it just went on for long enough to screw up the Oscars.

However, as signs of a deal tentatively edge ever-closer, it looks like the Oscars might be business as usual again. And all the Oscar nominees had the traditional Oscar nominees' luncheon yesterday to prove it, with Academy president Sid Ganis promising that the show would go on regardless of the strike.

But that begs the question: what will the Oscars be like with no jokes, no song-and-dance numbers and no fun? Why, they'll be just like the Oscars, you halfwit.

Because this year's Oscar nominations have just been announced - and, thanks to the writers' strike, nobody even knows whether there'll even be an Oscars this year. But if the Oscars do happen, then No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood should probably get their tuxedos pressed.

And so should Atonement. Even though it's bloody Atonement.

The striking writers of Hollywood have decided that nobody is to write next year's Golden Globes and Oscar ceremonies, meaning that all we'll have to laugh at is whatever shriekingly awful dress Sarah Jessica Parker turns up in.

Although the Writers Guild Of America strike currently just means that Ellen DeGeneres' infantile dog-based on-air tantrums are ad-libbed instead of tightly-scripted, the Guild has now decided to reject offers of an interim agreement allowing writers to work on next year's Golden Globes and Oscar ceremonies. That means that either this awards season will culminate in two long, awkward, unfunny, massively unentertaining shows or that the Golden Globes and the Oscars hire non-union writers from Lithuania to shape the ceremonies - fingers crossed for the latter, because LNK TV show Žinios. Verslas. Kriminalai has gone without a slick satirical Hollywood skewering for too long now.