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Oscars

Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie: The Oscars Punch-Up, Sunday

by Stuart Heritage

It took a while, but we’ve finally found a reason to watch the Oscars – it involves Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

And sheer, unstoppable violence. After years of false starts and meticulously choreographed social planning, the Long-Awaited, Breathlessly-Anticipated And Borderline-Erotic Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Catfight is due to take place at this Sunday’s Oscars.

What’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie finally meet? We’re guessing either a) a full-on, bloody-nosed, hair-pulling fistfight, b) some sort of awkwardly curt nodded acknowledgement of one another or c) lesbian kissing. We know we speak for all men when we say: Woohoo! Go b)!

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Top 5 Oddest Ways Hollywood Stars Prepare For Oscars Night

by David Schwartz

It really is simply ridiculous the lengths that Hollywood actresses will go to impress on Oscars night.

A beautiful gown can only distract from the wrinkly face and bloated thighs for so long, which means Hollywood’s elite have to pull out all the stops in their search for physical perfection.

Of course, they will spend endless hours in the gym and getting poison injected into their faces in the build-up to the big night. But there are some actresses who are prepared to go that extra step.

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Oscars: Everyone Knows Who’ll Win Everything Already

by Stuart Heritage

Spoiler alert: if you don’t want your Oscar night feast of bad dresses and unbearable smugness ruined, stop reading.

Also, if you don’t care about the Oscars, stop reading. So that should leave us with only people who sort of like the Oscars a bit but they’re not women or gay or anything. Welcome aboard, tiny remaining audience.

Excuse our preamble, because we’re about to tell you who’ll win all the Oscars. We mean it – bookies say they’ve never been more convinced. Slumdog Millionaire, by the way. There, that’s saved you about four hours of your life. Spend it wisely.

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Who’s Presenting The Oscars? It’s A Massively Pointless Secret

by Stuart Heritage

Are you looking forward to the Oscars on Sunday? No. No, of course you’re not. Nobody is. It’s OK. Nobody is.

Just don’t tell the Oscars organisers. They’re absolutely murdering themselves trying to get even a flicker of Oscars-related interest from the populous at large and, it’s fair to say, they’re failing spectacularly.

But the Oscar people have got an ingenious joker up their sleeves – they’re keeping the award presenters secret until the ceremony itself. Incredible! But here’s a warning – if the awards aren’t presented by Elvis, Jesus and a dancing troupe of exploding nuns, we’ll be sorely effed off.

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Slumdog Millionaire Wins All The BAFTAs. All Of Them.

by Stuart Heritage

If you believe that the BAFTAs act as a bellweather for the Oscars, then Slumdog Millionaire will win all the Oscars.

Also, the Oscars are going to be really bloody drizzly. Because that happened at the BAFTAs too. But anyway, Slumdog Millionaire was the big winner at last night’s BAFTA awards, scooping Best Film, Best Director, Best Music, Best Cinematography, Best Editing and Best Adapted Screenplay. Why? Because it’s principally British? No. Well, yes. A bit.

But Slumdog Millionaire wasn’t the only thing to leave the BAFTAs with anything. We left with the onset of trenchfoot. Eat that, Dev Patel.

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Oscars: Jennifer Aniston Wants To Rub Angelina’s Nose In It

by Stuart Heritage

Since there’s no Rubbish Lowbrow Dog Movie category, you might think that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t care about the Oscars.

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LA Film People Say WALL-E Is Quite Good

by Stuart Heritage

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Well, tough, you’re getting the bad news – it’s awards season.

You know, that long, slow, dull deathmarch to the Oscars where every single vaguely filmy organisation on the face of the planet announces which movies it enjoyed watching most. But more than that, awards season marks the time of year when we wish we had another job. Any other job. A job involving heights and spikes and angry bears, even.

And now the good news – The Los Angeles Film Critics Association gave its best picture award to WALL-E.

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The Dark Knight’s Score Is Oscar-Eligible Again! Yipee!

by Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight’s score is so catchy – we haven’t been able to stop whistling that abstract discordant screech for months.

So when we heard that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had banned the score to The Dark Knight from Oscar eligibility on a technicality, we were furious – it was easily the biggest Oscars outrage since Geri Halliwell’s turn in The Fat Slags didn’t win Best Supporting Actress in 2004.

But the good news is that the Academy has reversed its decision – now The Dark Knight’s score can lose to the Alvin & The Chipmunks OST like nature intended.

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The Dark Knight Probably Not Going To Win All The Oscars Now

by Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight is a sensation – the second-biggest movie of all time and easily the best film about a gimp punching a clown ever.

So, come Oscar night, you’d expect that The Dark Knight would wipe the floor with the competition – especially since the competition seems to be a million underperforming films about gloomy people from 35 years ago – but you’re wrong.

It’s just been announced that The Dark Knight can’t win the Oscar for Best Score because it was composed by too many people. That’ll be disappointing for the crew of The Dark Knight, but they’ll get over it – not least because the 2009 Oscars will introduce categories for Best Irredeemably Bleak Summer Movie and Silliest And Most Indecipherable Voice Employed By A Lead Actor, which The Dark Knight is already a dead cert for.

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Coming Soon To Cinemas: The Dark Knight, Whatever That Is

by Stuart Heritage

Phew, the summer movie season is over – now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight.

You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they’ve pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January.

Of course, by January The Dark Knight’s bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.

Phew, the summer movie season is over - now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight. You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they've pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January. Of course, by January The Dark Knight's bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.
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