Right, everyone needs to calm down. Get a nice sweet tea, run yourself a hot bath, sprinkle rose petals around the house. Allow your clothes to slide gently from your body, and dab sprinkles of baby oil onto your thighs. That's it.?Mmm, feel?the soft breeze leaping and dancing around your underpants.

Now?put on that Best of Alexander O?Neal compilation that was specifically designed to soothe you. And relax. Relaxed??Then?listen carefully – there isn't an Oscar curse. That's right. Shhhhh?

Yes, it's true that Sandra Bullock?s wholesome life partner MIGHT have spent a few long evenings smearing his podgy sausage hands all over a woman with tatts on her bosoms, but this could have been going on for AGES. Even during Sandra?s period in the desert when she was just another non-Oscar winner. A nobody.

As for the others ? Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, the one who was a boy in that film about being confused ? they were all probably just terrible wives.

Now wake the hell up, because here?s something really uplifting! It's a handful of beautiful thespians who still have husbands/lesbian partners, despite winning an Oscar! See? There's no hex! You're so SWEET with your silly craziness.