Oscar - HecklerSpray

Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Want More Sex Scenes

November 25th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

When you’re a terrible and boring actor, Hollywood has a couple of tricks up its sleeve to make you more interesting. The easy one is to put a cut on your lip. A cut on a blank face shows you’re troubled by a fight without having to resort to too much acting.

Another trick, of course, is to get you to take your top off. If you’re a handsome young buck, or indeed, a comely maiden, you don’t have to do any acting at all if you’re in the nip.

This coincides nicely with the mutterings that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart want more sex scenes in the films they make, meaning that the fapping tweens might not be able to watch their films anymore because they’re suddenly R rated or something.

Robert Pattinson Turns Down Burberry And Needs Director To Show Him How To Kiss Kristen Stewart

November 9th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Twilight vampire-bore Robert Pattinson (Count Yawncular) is not very good at standing still with some nice clothes on. Nope. He’s a serious actor. He likes standing still and wearing nice clothes while pretending to be someone else.

That doesn’t matter a jot to your screaming fans though, does it? You think he’s dreamier that Rip Van Winkle and he’s, like totally like an amazing actor? Like.

Your belief is so strong that it has pervaded Pattinson’s very essence. He believes he’s too much of a thesp to muck about pretending to be a model for Burberry. That’s right, you could have seen him with his top-off in glossy mags, but no, you made him believe he was a proper actor!

Kristen Stewart Talks About New Twilight Movie And People Actually Die From Boredom

October 19th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Brace yourselves kiddiekins, because Kristen Stewart has opened and closed her mouth and some words came lolloping out like clumsy, but ultimately very tedious vowel noises. Like someone drilling the road up half a mile away.

Anyways, you screaming obsessives will no doubt be eager to hear what she has to say, regardless of how eye-dryingly dull it is.

You’ll be thrilled to learn that she’s going to take all her clothes off in the next Twilight film and pull her fangs out with pliers before fashioning them into bullets and firing them at the necks of busty lesbian ghouls.

Robert Pattinson So Boring That He Might Be Given An Oscar Just To See If He Does Something Vaguely Interesting

October 18th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Watching Robert Pattinson at work is like watching a tortoise slowly chew a piece of old lettuce. Slow, methodical and containing the briefest glimpse of life. Of course, what puts Pattinson above tortoise status is his pretty, pretty face.

And so exasperated is Hollywood by Pattinson and his shedful of boring is that they’re thinking of giving him an Oscar just to see if he does anything even vaguely interesting. Failing that, they’ll have to stick a cut on his face to give him ‘character’.

You shrieking Twilight fans probably think that all that fandom you’ve shown is going to finally pay off in the form of a golden statue. Not so.

Kim Basinger To Probably Not Win Any Oscars Next Year, Then

November 4th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you like everything that Steve Martin has ever done, and everything that Alec Baldwin has ever done, and the Oscars?

You do? Then you’re probably the only one. Oh, and also we’ve got some wonderful news for you. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host the Oscars next year! That’s right – the hilarious brain behind The Jerk and the glowering show-stealer from Glengarry Glen Ross are combining forces to host the most glittering night in the Hollywood calendar!

Or the old man from The Pink Panther 2 and the fat bloke from Thomas And The Magic Railroad are combining forces to trudge through six hours of smug backslappery that nobody really watches any more. One or the other.

Oscars: Slumdog Millionaire Wins (Yay), Also Sean Penn (Boo)

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Oh Oscars, how could you? Up in chihuahua heaven, little Loki Rourke is in floods. Floods. Are you happy now?

You’d better be. Because, even though he’s won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone‘s Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands.

Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to… oh, nobody.

Tom Cruise & Charlize Theron: Together At, Um, Last?

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know what movie we’d love to see? A movie starring the pointless one from Hancock and the pointless one from Lions For Lambs.

And guess what? That movie is being made. According to reports, Charlize Theron and Tom Cruise are set to team up for an adaptation of French movie The Tourist, with a script written by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes.

Without knowing too much about The Tourist, it’s safe to say that Tom Cruise is still after that Oscar. It seems clear to us that Tom is only making the movie to glean Oscar-winning tips from Fellowes and Theron, and then put them to use in his next movie – which we’re expecting to be about a dirty-faced, slightly disfigured woman played by Tom Cruise who talks in lots of half sentences over himself all the time.

Whoopi Goldberg Thanks Patrick Swayze For Oscar Win

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This is just a hunch, but we think Whoopi Goldberg might be having a competition with herself to find the most inappropriate time to mention her Oscar win.

Up until now Whoopi hadn't been doing so well, only talking about winning an Oscar on the day after the Oscars. But that was before Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.

You see, Whoopi Goldberg and Patrick Swayze starred together in Ghost, the movie that Whoopi Goldberg won her Oscar for. And yesterday on The View, Whoopi paid tribute to Patrick Swayze by claiming that she wouldn't have won her Oscar if it wasn't for him. Which we're sure will brighten Patrick's day immeasurably, unless he happens to have something more important on his mind at the moment.

Marion Cotillard Pretty Much Knackers Up The Rest Of Her Career

January 19th, 2017 By Matthew Laidlow

When the world woke up last week, everyone thought the same things. A) The weekend’s finished and we have to go to work. B) Who’s that chick who won the Oscar for best actress for a film we’ve never heard of before?

Who was Marion Cotillard, where had she come from and what the hell was La Vie en Rose about? And what did it mean? For God’s sake why wasn’t it done in English? Surely the producers didn’t expect the majority of the world to watch a film they couldn’t understand. God damn those crazy French.

As an Oscar winner, we’d expect Marion Cotillard’s stunning career to go from strength to strength. If not winning more Oscars, then definitely starting up random charities or collecting third world children like Happy Meal toys. But instead of riding high on the success and mulling over lucrative film offers, Marion’s gone and ballsed it up. Big style.

Oscar Wins: No Country For Old Men & Other Films You Haven’t Seen

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Oscars almost didn't happen this year, thanks to the Hollywood writers' strike, and some people said that was a bad thing.

However, when the strike ended, the producers of the Oscars had a brainwave. "What's better than The Oscars That Didn't Happen?" they reasoned, "Why, The Oscars That Nobody Cares About!"

And, as such, the big winners at last night's Oscars were No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood, La Vie En Rose, The Counterfeiters and Michael Clayton – a selection of films whose combined box office grosses would just about stretch to buying you a particularly nice clothes peg. Oh, and Ratatouille won an Oscar too, but hopefully the tremendous oversight of giving an award to a popular film that people actually liked will be rectified by next year.