When you’re a terrible and boring actor, Hollywood has a couple of tricks up its sleeve to make you more interesting. The easy one is to put a cut on your lip. A cut on a blank face shows you’re troubled by a fight without having to resort to too much acting.
Another trick, of course, is to get you to take your top off. If you’re a handsome young buck, or indeed, a comely maiden, you don’t have to do any acting at all if you’re in the nip.
This coincides nicely with the mutterings that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart want more sex scenes in the films they make, meaning that the fapping tweens might not be able to watch their films anymore because they’re suddenly R rated or something. Read More >>>
Twilight vampire-bore Robert Pattinson (Count Yawncular) is not very good at standing still with some nice clothes on. Nope. He’s a serious actor. He likes standing still and wearing nice clothes while pretending to be someone else.
That doesn’t matter a jot to your screaming fans though, does it? You think he’s dreamier that Rip Van Winkle and he’s, like totally like an amazing actor? Like.
Your belief is so strong that it has pervaded Pattinson’s very essence. He believes he’s too much of a thesp to muck about pretending to be a model for Burberry. That’s right, you could have seen him with his top-off in glossy mags, but no, you made him believe he was a proper actor! Read More >>>
Brace yourselves kiddiekins, because Kristen Stewart has opened and closed her mouth and some words came lolloping out like clumsy, but ultimately very tedious vowel noises. Like someone drilling the road up half a mile away.
Anyways, you screaming obsessives will no doubt be eager to hear what she has to say, regardless of how eye-dryingly dull it is.
You’ll be thrilled to learn that she’s going to take all her clothes off in the next Twilight film and pull her fangs out with pliers before fashioning them into bullets and firing them at the necks of busty lesbian ghouls. Read More >>>
Watching Robert Pattinson at work is like watching a tortoise slowly chew a piece of old lettuce. Slow, methodical and containing the briefest glimpse of life. Of course, what puts Pattinson above tortoise status is his pretty, pretty face.
And so exasperated is Hollywood by Pattinson and his shedful of boring is that they’re thinking of giving him an Oscar just to see if he does anything even vaguely interesting. Failing that, they’ll have to stick a cut on his face to give him ‘character’.
You shrieking Twilight fans probably think that all that fandom you’ve shown is going to finally pay off in the form of a golden statue. Not so. Read More >>>
Do you like everything that Steve Martin has ever done, and everything that Alec Baldwin has ever done, and the Oscars?
You do? Then you’re probably the only one. Oh, and also we’ve got some wonderful news for you. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host the Oscars next year! That’s right – the hilarious brain behind The Jerk and the glowering show-stealer from Glengarry Glen Ross are combining forces to host the most glittering night in the Hollywood calendar!
Or the old man from The Pink Panther 2 and the fat bloke from Thomas And The Magic Railroad are combining forces to trudge through six hours of smug backslappery that nobody really watches any more. One or the other.
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Oh Oscars, how could you? Up in chihuahua heaven, little Loki Rourke is in floods. Floods. Are you happy now?
You’d better be. Because, even though he’s won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone‘s Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands.
Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to… oh, nobody.
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You know what movie we’d love to see? A movie starring the pointless one from Hancock and the pointless one from Lions For Lambs.
And guess what? That movie is being made. According to reports, Charlize Theron and Tom Cruise are set to team up for an adaptation of French movie The Tourist, with a script written by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes.
Without knowing too much about The Tourist, it’s safe to say that Tom Cruise is still after that Oscar. It seems clear to us that Tom is only making the movie to glean Oscar-winning tips from Fellowes and Theron, and then put them to use in his next movie – which we’re expecting to be about a dirty-faced, slightly disfigured woman played by Tom Cruise who talks in lots of half sentences over himself all the time.
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This is just a hunch, but we think Whoopi Goldberg might be having a competition with herself to find the most inappropriate time to mention her Oscar win.
Up until now Whoopi hadn't been doing so well, only talking about winning an Oscar on the day after the Oscars. But that was before Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.
You see, Whoopi Goldberg and Patrick Swayze starred together in Ghost, the movie that Whoopi Goldberg won her Oscar for. And yesterday on The View, Whoopi paid tribute to Patrick Swayze by claiming that she wouldn't have won her Oscar if it wasn't for him. Which we're sure will brighten Patrick's day immeasurably, unless he happens to have something more important on his mind at the moment.
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