This is turning out to be a highly upsetting day for people who were famous about five years ago but aren’t really any more.

First Mischa Barton and now this? Now Orlando Bloom has been burgled? It’s too much to take. Seriously, at this rate we’ll end up telling you that Dido has twisted her ankle trying to traverse a cattle grid on a camping holiday in Somerset or something.

But anyway, Orlando Bloom’s home has been burgled, with thieves taking goods worth $500,000. We don’t know what’s more shocking – Orlando Bloom being burgled or Orlando Bloom owning $500,000 worth of stuff.

We haven’t heard much from Orlando Bloom in the last few years, have we? Some would say that’s because his two last big shots at carrying a film by himself – Elizabethtown and Kingdom Of Heaven – were so unapologetically dreary that the only way he’d ever be allowed in front of a camera again is if he inadvertently strolled past the front window of Dixons after a night out drowning his sorrows. But not us.

We just think that Orlando Bloom was waiting for the right sort of motivation. And now a couple of robbers have nicked all the stuff out of his house, which we’d say was the perfect motivation for making more films.

That’s right – in the most exciting thing to happen to him since he slowly drove into two parked cars a couple of years ago, Orlando Bloom has been burgled. And the details of the robbery are genuinely shocking, as BBC News reports:

Cash and jewellery have been taken following a break-in at the Los Angeles home of Orlando Bloom, police have said. No arrests have been made in the investigation into the burglary which police say happened while the 32-year-old actor was away. The Los Angeles Times has reported that thieves stole artwork, as well as cash and jewellery, to the value of $500,000.

Now you have to admit that there’s something fairly shocking about this news. No, not the fact that Orlando Bloom was burgled. And not the fact that Orlando Bloom had somehow amassed half a million dollar’s worth of art and jewellery – we’re talking about the fact that Orlando Bloom has a house. Seriously, after Elizabethtown did so badly we’d always assumed that he lived in a tent in his mum’s back garden or something. Wonders will never cease.

However, being burgled is never a nice thing to go through, and we wish Orlando Bloom all the best. And if he’s willing to share the insurance money with us, we promise not to tell the police that the jewellery stolen was just a bunch of milk bottle caps on a shoelace and the art was a crayon drawing of a fat man with a beard saying “WE’RE GOING TO KEEP MAKING LORD OF THE RINGS FILMS FOREVER!” and a skinny man dressed in a dirty T-shirt with the word ‘Me’ on the front saying “HOORAY!” that’s been signed ‘Orlando, age 32.’

It’ll be our secret, Bloom. Now cough up.

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The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.

It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.

Dyer, the moron star of immense twaddle such as Outlaw and The Business, gives the impression that he may just be the teeny weeniest little bit jealous of Orlando’s recent success.

“I do genuinely think Orlando Bloom is a cunt. I’ve never met him, but he’s in the same game as me and he’s loaded. I’m still living in the ghetto in East London and he’s earning three million quid a film. He got lucky. He came out of drama school and got Lord of the Rings.”

If we can just interject here for a moment: anyone who refers to East London as a ghetto without hint of irony or sarcasm is a dick. That is certified fact. No two ways about it. Dick.

We’re sure you would have been really very good in Lord of the Rings had Bloom not beaten you to it though. It may have gone a little something like this:

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY, we are the fellowship, we are the fellowship-ah! Fackin’ right in my son, Aragorn; give that Arwen one up the ring from me. Who’s wants a fackin’…..Oi! Frodo you cant, ‘ave you nicked my fackin’ rizla’s again?”

Dyer continued:

“He wasn’t all that good in it, but it put him on the map, didn’t it? He’s the opposite of me, he’s well media-trained and boring. Plus, he can’t act.”

Yeah. Yeah. Totally the opposite of you then. You’re just so bloody interesting and un-media trained, Dyer. How do you do it? Plus, you can act. You were really good in Skins as that man who did all those things in that place. And don’t even get us started on Severance. Melding comedy and horror together without including either genre in any way! Genius! It really worked.

Plus, this has put you on the map you big wanker. It may only be hecklerspray’s map of cunts and you may only be the Britain to Bono’s America on Planet Cunt, but it’s a map nonetheless.

Look, don’t get us wrong, we don’t rate Orlando Bloom’s acting either; we agree with you on that front, Dyer. We definitely do. It’s just that you happen to be a bigger cunt and an even more one-note actor, who, thanks to your ridiculously idiotic films and involvement with Zoo magazine, is contributing to the dumbing down of mainstream society. That’s all. No offense or anything. We’re sure you’re alright apart from that.

We would totally love to have a Stella with you and discuss football and listen to Oasis and look at some birds. We would love that. It’s just that we happen to be busy until the end of time. Or don’t want to, due to having a reasonable level of intellect. One of the two. We forget which.

Read more:

Dyer: ‘Orlando Bloom Can’t Act’ – Digital Spy

Her TV show Friends was the greatest show of all time, The Rembrandts were the greatest band of all time, her man was without doubt the sexiest man of all time, and she too was the single most desired female in the human race, second only to a feisty young computer simulation called Lara – but what did Jennifer care about her?

No artificial intelligence was going to seriously threaten her position in Brads mind. He loved her. That computer simulation would have to pull a Pinocchio for him to be even the slightest bit interested. And a Gepetto was nowhere to be seen.

That was until a man called Simon West showed up, who wished that Lara would become a real girl. A physical being whom he might be able to touch with his hands one day. And he wished so hard that it actually came true! All of a sudden, every boy in the world became aware that Aniston was old news – a new girl was in town.

And unfortunately for Jennifer – despite his many wonderful aspects – Brad was a boy too.

Suddenly, Jennifer was slipping down the sexiest rankings, being taken over by some barely-legal pop-stars going by the names of Britney and Christina, as well as the real life Lara, one Miss Angelina Jolie, who was beginning her meteoritic rise to the top of wank-charts. Friends aired its final episode, Jennifer was reaching the wrinkly side of thirty, and The Rembrandts were just a fading memory. Oh, the horror of it all!

Next thing you know Brad’s saying something like “Guess what, Jennifer, baby? I’m starring alongside that Lara Croft girl in my next film, how about that?”

How about that, Jennifer? With Brad gone and her status diminished, she was left with Vince Vaughn, much in the way we’ve all been left with Vince Vaughn – desperately waiting for someone better to properly fill the void he tip-toes around in. And it, of course – like most Vince Vaughn projects should be – was doomed from the start.

Where was Jennifer to turn to next? How far had she been relegated? To a builder from Essex, perhaps? Surely not! What next, an elf?

According to the New York Post, eyewitnesses have reported seeing Aniston looking all loved up at Beso, an LA eatery, with none other than real life Legolas, Orlando Bloom – Jennifer has found her own real boy! An onlooker said:

They were sitting very close. She was looking at him like he was her favourite guy in the world.

Hooray for love! It's done some wondrous things in it's time, lets just hope it can now bewitch Ms Aniston into actually thinking Orlando is a man she can settle down with, and may we never have to write about her philanderings again.

Come on love! Please!

Read more – New York Post – Love In Bloom