No one really likes Orlando Bloom anymore do they? He hasn’t done a movie that anyone has seen since the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie (and that was, lets face it, rubbish).

He should really have given up after his momentous career high that was the excellent tripartite role of  ‘Extra/Noel Harrison/Patient’ in Casualty, spanning from 94-96. That or his role as a rentboy in Wilde should have stood as the everlasting monument to his wooden talent.

Fortunately, his stint as the worlds wimpiest action hero has come to a shuddering halt recently, and it turns out he left with nothing else other than indulging in some avant-garde theatrics, all of which involve his pregnant wife’s womb.
Sorry, that headline was a bit misleading, sorry Bloom fans. Sorry for you being so stupid that is. Zing!

Don’t take offence, the one remaining Orlando Bloom fan – It’s a role that he’s well suited for after all.  The audience can’t see the inhuman lack of emotion in his face, and the amniotic sac probably drowns out the majority of his words and the tone of his voice.

It must be like watching Elizabethtown when you’re drunk and half asleep, or high on some wonderful drug and wrapped in pillows (not that we’d endorse anything like that of course, Elizabethtown is donkey balls of the highest order, it’s a more sensible use of your time to leg it into traffic wearing nothing but tipp-ex, while praying for the dark lord to eat your soul. It’s awful – that’s the point being made here).

Anyhoo, if you want the details, DigitalSpy will cough, look around nervously and whisper to you:

Miranda Kerr has revealed that she is enjoying the experience of pregnancy. The 27-year-old Australian supermodel, who is married to Pirates of the Caribbean actor Orlando Bloom, is expected to give birth to their first child early next year. According to Woman’s Day magazine, Kerr wrote on her blog: “My pregnancy is going really well and it is an incredibly moving time where we get to spend time just chatting to our little one. It’s so beautiful.” Kerr recently said that she is considering having a bronze mould made of her baby bump so that she can “always have that memory”.

Okay, so it turns out we’ve overblown a simple family story of a man speaking to his unborn child whilst perving at his supermodel wife’s ladybits. That is fantastically boring and normal, as we’d expect from Mr Bloom.

But hang on!

She wants a bronze mould of her grotesquely extended belly that she can bring out on birthdays and important feast days to play like some kind of weird Caribbean steal drum? Its clear the world’s media is focussing on the wrong half of this marriage.

She’s clearly batshit crazy.

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Orlando Bloom hasn’t been in the movies all that much recently, has he? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining:  his movies are almost uniformly dreadful, and anyone even thinking of casting him as an action hero again should be drowned in sewage at gunpoint alongside whoever cast the misguided union of a cheesestring and a sundial as the lead in Predators. But it does make you wonder if Hollywood has seen sense and started not hiring people because they have the screen presence of a slowly putrefying lump of brie.

No, of course not, the cast of Twilight can even find employment in movies outside of their main franchise, and they could easily be replaced by a series of crudely drawn cartoons depicting a horse looking sadly at a bucket full of urine soaked hay. So it can’t be that.

It turns out he is taking the route of anyone who’s been unemployed for so long that drugs, alcohol and repeats of Top Gear on Dave have lost their pall. He’s got someone up the duff.

It’s a known fact that Orlando Bloom can only be successful in multiples of three. Specifically, multiples of three he plays some kind of sexless, wimpy girl.  Obviously, to continue the same success rate, he’ll need to impregnate his wife two more times, or possibly splice his progeny’s genes to create a couple of identical clones

We won’t know the outcome of that until after his wife gives birth, and possibly after human cloning techniques have advanced enough to make a viable foetus. Until then Starpulse closes its eyes and hums us the news:

Father-to-be Orlando Bloom won’t slow down his career after he welcomes his first child – he’s making plans to balance filming schedules with parenthood.  The “Pirates of the Caribbean” star is preparing to welcome a baby with Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr after exchanging vows in a secret ceremony last month.  Bloom is currently in Munich, Germany, to begin filming “The Three Musketeers” – and he insists he’ll be busy juggling his movie schedule with family life.

See what I told you about him having a fetish for things that come in threes? Three Musketeers. I’ll bet me makes his wife stand in a hall of mirrors whenever they’re together, and he always poos in three lumps. If he needs to go again he just waits, otherwise it won’t be ‘successful’ and he’ll have to be consoled by Johnny Depp coming round and mincing about until Bloom dries his eyes and claps like a child. That almost certainly happens.

Anyway, Bloom is said to be happy, but given that his face seems unable to recreate any recognisable human emotion , it could just be that he is hungry, distraught over the loss of a favourite cushion, disaffected by the increasing isolation of the digital world and therefore worried about helping his new child find a place for themselves in a world that he no longer understands and can barely interact with, or just gassy. I’m sure he’s thrilled though. Him and his remaining fan.

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Oh brilliant, here’s a story about a woman from a TV show we’ve never watched robbing a film star we don’t like.

By which we mean Orlando Bloom. Oh come now, you remember Orlando Bloom – he played that pretty girl in Lord Of The Rings, and then he played Keira Knightley‘s lesbian life-partner in the Pirates Of The Caribbean films, and then he did nothing at all because he’s really not that good of an actor. Anyway, Orlando Bloom was robbed by a woman from a reality TV show last year, and she’s just pleaded no contest to it and has been sentenced to six months in jail as a result.

It’s Orlando Bloom who we feel most sorry for. Being robbed is bad enough whoever you are, but he’d been planning to sell all of that stuff down the car boot sale to earn enough money to eat.

You might remember that a number of celebrities were burgled last year – among them Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan and Rachel Bilson. But it wasn’t just celebrities who were targeted – Orlando Bloom, who was briefly famous a decade ago for wearing a girl’s wig but hasn’t really done anything of much worth since – was also robbed.

Staggeringly, the thieves managed to strip Orlando Bloom’s house of possessions worth almost $500,000. That’s a surprise, because we didn’t know that begging by the side of the street with a sign reading ‘I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT ELIZABETHTOWN, CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?’ was such a lucrative business.

Anyway, the thieves behind the so-called ‘Bling Ring’ crimes – named because ‘The Let’s Rob A Bunch Of People Who Are Sort Of Famous But A Bit Shit Ring’ – have been rounded up and sent to court. And it turns out that one of them – an 18-year-old girl called Alexis Neiers – is the star of a reality show. Admittedly ‘star’ is a bit of an overstatement, on the basis that we’ve never heard of her or her reality TV show and we can’t watch the station its broadcast on for more than two minutes at a time without wanting to smack our face on the corner of a mantelpiece, but you get the drift. People reports:

Faced with a possible courtroom appearance by Orlando Bloom, Alexis Neiers pleaded no contest to felony burglary of the star’s home. In the 11th-hour plea bargain, the 18-year-old Neiers, who appears with her family on E!’s Pretty Wild, was sentenced to six months in jail and received three years probation. She appeared somber in court and was ordered to surrender on June 24.

Wile you were reading that, we just looked up this Alexis Neiers Pretty Wild show. Apparently it’s about ‘Three sisters whose jaw-dropping looks and unstructured upbringing make them magnets for Tinseltown’s temptations’. We heard that it’ll continue through Alexis’s jail time too, only it’ll be retitled Pretty Sodomised By An Obese Institutionalised Lesbian. Or something.

Anyway, everyone’s happy now. The crooks have been caught, the possessions have been returned and Orlando Bloom is enjoying what will surely be the last time he’s mentioned anywhere in the media until the day he goes mad, puts on a pretty blonde wig, writes ‘DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?’ across his bare chest in felt-tip pen, and slowly rocks backwards and forwards in a McDonald’s car park, stroking a shoe as if it were a cat and muttering to himself about when he used to be famous. So his last mention until some point next week, then.

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This is turning out to be a highly upsetting day for people who were famous about five years ago but aren’t really any more.

First Mischa Barton and now this? Now Orlando Bloom has been burgled? It’s too much to take. Seriously, at this rate we’ll end up telling you that Dido has twisted her ankle trying to traverse a cattle grid on a camping holiday in Somerset or something.

But anyway, Orlando Bloom’s home has been burgled, with thieves taking goods worth $500,000. We don’t know what’s more shocking – Orlando Bloom being burgled or Orlando Bloom owning $500,000 worth of stuff.

We haven’t heard much from Orlando Bloom in the last few years, have we? Some would say that’s because his two last big shots at carrying a film by himself – Elizabethtown and Kingdom Of Heaven – were so unapologetically dreary that the only way he’d ever be allowed in front of a camera again is if he inadvertently strolled past the front window of Dixons after a night out drowning his sorrows. But not us.

We just think that Orlando Bloom was waiting for the right sort of motivation. And now a couple of robbers have nicked all the stuff out of his house, which we’d say was the perfect motivation for making more films.

That’s right – in the most exciting thing to happen to him since he slowly drove into two parked cars a couple of years ago, Orlando Bloom has been burgled. And the details of the robbery are genuinely shocking, as BBC News reports:

Cash and jewellery have been taken following a break-in at the Los Angeles home of Orlando Bloom, police have said. No arrests have been made in the investigation into the burglary which police say happened while the 32-year-old actor was away. The Los Angeles Times has reported that thieves stole artwork, as well as cash and jewellery, to the value of $500,000.

Now you have to admit that there’s something fairly shocking about this news. No, not the fact that Orlando Bloom was burgled. And not the fact that Orlando Bloom had somehow amassed half a million dollar’s worth of art and jewellery – we’re talking about the fact that Orlando Bloom has a house. Seriously, after Elizabethtown did so badly we’d always assumed that he lived in a tent in his mum’s back garden or something. Wonders will never cease.

However, being burgled is never a nice thing to go through, and we wish Orlando Bloom all the best. And if he’s willing to share the insurance money with us, we promise not to tell the police that the jewellery stolen was just a bunch of milk bottle caps on a shoelace and the art was a crayon drawing of a fat man with a beard saying “WE’RE GOING TO KEEP MAKING LORD OF THE RINGS FILMS FOREVER!” and a skinny man dressed in a dirty T-shirt with the word ‘Me’ on the front saying “HOORAY!” that’s been signed ‘Orlando, age 32.’

It’ll be our secret, Bloom. Now cough up.

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Dire Danny Dyer has told the ever wonderful Zoo magazine that Orlando Bloom is a “cunt” who “can’t act” .

The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.

It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.

Dyer, the moron star of immense twaddle such as Outlaw and The Business, gives the impression that he may just be the teeny weeniest little bit jealous of Orlando’s recent success.

“I do genuinely think Orlando Bloom is a cunt. I’ve never met him, but he’s in the same game as me and he’s loaded. I’m still living in the ghetto in East London and he’s earning three million quid a film. He got lucky. He came out of drama school and got Lord of the Rings.”

If we can just interject here for a moment: anyone who refers to East London as a ghetto without hint of irony or sarcasm is a dick. That is certified fact. No two ways about it. Dick.

We’re sure you would have been really very good in Lord of the Rings had Bloom not beaten you to it though. It may have gone a little something like this:

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY, we are the fellowship, we are the fellowship-ah! Fackin’ right in my son, Aragorn; give that Arwen one up the ring from me. Who’s wants a fackin’…..Oi! Frodo you cant, ‘ave you nicked my fackin’ rizla’s again?”

Dyer continued:

“He wasn’t all that good in it, but it put him on the map, didn’t it? He’s the opposite of me, he’s well media-trained and boring. Plus, he can’t act.”

Yeah. Yeah. Totally the opposite of you then. You’re just so bloody interesting and un-media trained, Dyer. How do you do it? Plus, you can act. You were really good in Skins as that man who did all those things in that place. And don’t even get us started on Severance. Melding comedy and horror together without including either genre in any way! Genius! It really worked.

Plus, this has put you on the map you big wanker. It may only be hecklerspray‘s map of cunts and you may only be the Britain to Bono‘s America on Planet Cunt, but it’s a map nonetheless.

Look, don’t get us wrong, we don’t rate Orlando Bloom’s acting either; we agree with you on that front, Dyer. We definitely do. It’s just that you happen to be a bigger cunt and an even more one-note actor, who, thanks to your ridiculously idiotic films and involvement with Zoo magazine, is contributing to the dumbing down of mainstream society. That’s all. No offense or anything. We’re sure you’re alright apart from that.

We would totally love to have a Stella with you and discuss football and listen to Oasis and look at some birds. We would love that. It’s just that we happen to be busy until the end of time. Or don’t want to, due to having a reasonable level of intellect. One of the two. We forget which.

Read more:

Dyer: ‘Orlando Bloom Can’t Act’ – Digital Spy

There was a time when Jennifer Aniston could have had the pick of any man she wanted. And so, naturally, she picked Brad Pitt.

Her TV show Friends was the greatest show of all time, The Rembrandts were the greatest band of all time, her man was without doubt the sexiest man of all time, and she too was the single most desired female in the human race, second only to a feisty young computer simulation called Lara – but what did Jennifer care about her?

No artificial intelligence was going to seriously threaten her position in Brads mind. He loved her. That computer simulation would have to pull a Pinocchio for him to be even the slightest bit interested. And a Gepetto was nowhere to be seen.

That was until a man called Simon West showed up, who wished that Lara would become a real girl. A physical being whom he might be able to touch with his hands one day. And he wished so hard that it actually came true! All of a sudden, every boy in the world became aware that Aniston was old news – a new girl was in town.

And unfortunately for Jennifer – despite his many wonderful aspects – Brad was a boy too.

Suddenly, Jennifer was slipping down the sexiest rankings, being taken over by some barely-legal pop-stars going by the names of Britney and Christina, as well as the real life Lara, one Miss Angelina Jolie, who was beginning her meteoritic rise to the top of wank-charts. Friends aired its final episode, Jennifer was reaching the wrinkly side of thirty, and The Rembrandts were just a fading memory. Oh, the horror of it all!

Next thing you know Brad’s saying something like “Guess what, Jennifer, baby? I’m starring alongside that Lara Croft girl in my next film, how about that?”

How about that, Jennifer? With Brad gone and her status diminished, she was left with Vince Vaughn, much in the way we’ve all been left with Vince Vaughn – desperately waiting for someone better to properly fill the void he tip-toes around in. And it, of course – like most Vince Vaughn projects should be – was doomed from the start.

Where was Jennifer to turn to next? How far had she been relegated? To a builder from Essex, perhaps? Surely not! What next, an elf?

According to the New York Post, eyewitnesses have reported seeing Aniston looking all loved up at Beso, an LA eatery, with none other than real life Legolas, Orlando Bloom – Jennifer has found her own real boy! An onlooker said:

They were sitting very close. She was looking at him like he was her favourite guy in the world.

Hooray for love! It's done some wondrous things in it's time, lets just hope it can now bewitch Ms Aniston into actually thinking Orlando is a man she can settle down with, and may we never have to write about her philanderings again.

Come on love! Please!

Read more – New York Post – Love In Bloom