No one really likes Orlando Bloom anymore do they? He hasn’t done a movie that anyone has seen since the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie (and that was, lets face it, rubbish).
He should really have given up after his momentous career high that was the excellent tripartite role of ‘Extra/Noel Harrison/Patient’ in Casualty, spanning from 94-96. That or his role as a rentboy in Wilde should have stood as the everlasting monument to his wooden talent.
Fortunately, his stint as the worlds wimpiest action hero has come to a shuddering halt recently, and it turns out he left with nothing else other than indulging in some avant-garde theatrics, all of which involve his pregnant wife’s womb.
Sorry, that headline was a bit misleading, sorry Bloom fans. Sorry for you being so stupid that is. Zing!
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Orlando Bloom hasn’t been in the movies all that much recently, has he? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining: his movies are almost uniformly dreadful, and anyone even thinking of casting him as an action hero again should be drowned in sewage at gunpoint alongside whoever cast the misguided union of a cheesestring and a sundial as the lead in Predators. But it does make you wonder if Hollywood has seen sense and started not hiring people because they have the screen presence of a slowly putrefying lump of brie.
No, of course not, the cast of Twilight can even find employment in movies outside of their main franchise, and they could easily be replaced by a series of crudely drawn cartoons depicting a horse looking sadly at a bucket full of urine soaked hay. So it can’t be that.
It turns out he is taking the route of anyone who’s been unemployed for so long that drugs, alcohol and repeats of Top Gear on Dave have lost their pall. He’s got someone up the duff.
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Oh brilliant, here’s a story about a woman from a TV show we’ve never watched robbing a film star we don’t like.
By which we mean Orlando Bloom. Oh come now, you remember Orlando Bloom – he played that pretty girl in Lord Of The Rings, and then he played Keira Knightley‘s lesbian life-partner in the Pirates Of The Caribbean films, and then he did nothing at all because he’s really not that good of an actor. Anyway, Orlando Bloom was robbed by a woman from a reality TV show last year, and she’s just pleaded no contest to it and has been sentenced to six months in jail as a result.
It’s Orlando Bloom who we feel most sorry for. Being robbed is bad enough whoever you are, but he’d been planning to sell all of that stuff down the car boot sale to earn enough money to eat.
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This is turning out to be a highly upsetting day for people who were famous about five years ago but aren’t really any more.
First Mischa Barton and now this? Now Orlando Bloom has been burgled? It’s too much to take. Seriously, at this rate we’ll end up telling you that Dido has twisted her ankle trying to traverse a cattle grid on a camping holiday in Somerset or something.
But anyway, Orlando Bloom’s home has been burgled, with thieves taking goods worth $500,000. We don’t know what’s more shocking – Orlando Bloom being burgled or Orlando Bloom owning $500,000 worth of stuff.
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Dire Danny Dyer has told the ever wonderful Zoo magazine that Orlando Bloom is a “cunt†who “can’t act†.
The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.
It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.
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There was a time when Jennifer Aniston could have had the pick of any man she wanted. And so, naturally, she picked Brad Pitt.
Her TV show Friends was the greatest show of all time, The Rembrandts were the greatest band of all time, her man was without doubt the sexiest man of all time, and she too was the single most desired female in the human race, second only to a feisty young computer simulation called Lara – but what did Jennifer care about her?
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No one really likes Orlando Bloom anymore do they? He hasn’t done a movie that anyone has seen since the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie (and that was, lets face it, rubbish). 
