9 - MANBABIES! – Manbabies

8 - More Keyboard Cat than you could ever wish for. Brilliant – Playhimoffkeyboardcat

7 - Man apologises for Oprah’s KFC blunder in a sinister accent – Amygrindhouse

6 - 20 terrible Bill Cosby impersonations – Bigstupididiot

5 - Today in pretty girls who are probably either old or dead now, we give you Julie Newmar – Interestment

4 - Warm beer, a warning from history some bloke who writes for us sometimes – Shoutingatcows

3 - Turns out hunger strikes are really good for your figure – PopEater

2 – The best informational film about Japan you will ever see – I Am Bored

1 – The Jonas Brothers say the worst thing that the Jonas Brothers have ever said…

This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She’s appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her?

Susan Boyle is now as famous as that other memorable Oprah guest – the bloke who barbecued some stuff for a couple a minutes a while ago. We forget his name. But anyway, the main thing was that Susan Boyle told Oprah Winfrey how much she enjoys her new-found fame.

Incidentally, Susan Boyle’s interview was subtitled. Not because Oprah’s viewers wouldn’t understand her impenetrable accent, you understand, but because producers wanted to distract everyone from her bizarre werewolfy face.

According to listings, yesterday’s edition of Oprah was a one-off called The World’s Got Talent, but we’re convinced otherwise. Just a few days ago, Oprah persuaded Kirstie Alley to drag her gigantic doughy behind onto the show – possibly with a Hansel & Gretel-style trail of full roast dinners leading from Kirstie’s home to the studio – and now here’s Susan Boyle. The World’s Got Talent? The World’s One Set Of Dancing Cojoined Twins Away From Being A Legitimate Victorian Freakshow is probably be more accurate.

But let’s stick to the subject. Since Oprah Winfrey decided to call yesterday’s episode The World’s Got Talent, she obviously wanted to find the world’s most talented people to appear on it. But sadly the scientists responsible for the pioneering research into fusion power weren’t available, so she booked that pubey midget from Britain’s Got Talent who can sing bad songs in mediocre ways instead.

By which we mean Susan Boyle. The Oprah appearance was just another bewildering example of how famous Susan Boyle has become since her Britain’s Got Talent audition transformed her into a YouTube sensation. She’s appearing on TV shows! She’s turning down presidents! She’s given herself a makeover to stop her looking so much like a Windows 95 clipart of a dumpy caveman!

However, the Oprah interview did give Susan Boyle the perfect opportunity to flesh her persona out for people who only know her as the barely-human Stig Of The Dump showtune lady from the internet. True, her interview was subtitled so, if anything, people now think that she’s funny-looking and unable to form basic words correctly, but whatever. Here’s what Susan Boyle told Oprah:

“It’s like a dream come true. It all takes a bit of time to take in. Things have happened so quickly. I get recognised in the street. I get asked for autographs. … I’ve been getting quite a few letters and quite a few cards from all over the globe.”

However, just because she’s famous enough to appear on Oprah, Susan Boyle knows that she might not win Britain’s Got Talent. After all, she faces stiff competition from the likes of Creepy Child and Ugly Man and, at the last count, roughly 6,000 utterly identical street dance troupes, so it’s not quite in the bag yet.

But, regardless of what happens on Britain’s Got Talent, at least Susan Boyle knows that she’s a superstar. A fully-fledged superstar who’ll be around forever. Or at least until someone posts a funny video of a cat dressed up as a policeman on YouTube and everyone gets distracted and forgets that Susan Boyle ever existed. Whichever comes first.

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Remember the name Susan Boyle – in ten years she’ll probably be the answer to a pub quiz question or something.

Or a major Broadway star. No, we were right first time – Susan Boyle will be the answer in a pub quiz. And the question will be ‘what was the name of the funny-looking woman from Britain’s Got Talent who made everyone jizz in their pants because she sang a terrible song in a mediocre way?’

That’s right, everyone. Thanks to Britain’s Got Talent, Susan Boyle has won Demi Moore over and might appear on Oprah. Literally on Oprah. The pervert.

In all of history – unless there’s ever been a show entitled Chris De Burgh Sings His Multiple Hits or Look At Adrian Chiles’ Handsome Face – there has never been a show as spectacularly misnamed as Britain’s Got Talent. Because, well, it hasn’t. We know this because we live here. Britain’s Got Drizzle? Yes. Britain’s Got A Misplaced Post-Colonial Sense Of Entitlement? Yes. Britain’s Got Herpes? In some cases, yes.

But talent? No, not really. If anything, the only point that Britain’s Got Talent makes with any amount of salience is that the British love nothing more than someone who looks like they might be a bit disabled even though they’re not. So far, the two winners of Britain’s Got Talent have been Paul Potts – a man who can sing quite well even though he’s fat, a bit blind-looking and has teeth that look like the remnants of a shotgun rampage in a ceramics factory; and George Sampson – an infant breakdancer who once went blind but then got better.

And the winner of the third Britain’s Got Talent season looks set to be Susan Boyle. Because, as things stand now, Susan Boyle is a sensation. By now you know the Susan Boyle story off by heart because it’s been rammed down your gullet every second of every day for a week, but for the newcomers it’s this – Susan Boyle is a middle-aged virgin who looks and dresses like she lives in one of the less affluent areas of Narnia, but she can sing quite well. The end.

Do you see? Susan Boyle is ugly but she can sing. It’s a miracle. Almost identical to the Paul Potts thing, granted, but let’s pretend that this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, because that’s what everyone else seems to be doing. Especially since Susan Boyle is now a bona fide star in America thanks to her unique eyebrow/voice combination. The LA Times reports:

Boyle’s is already the most-watched clip this month on YouTube, more than doubling the total views of its runner-up. Demi Moore has written tweets praising the singer on Twitter, and Oprah Winfrey has reportedly extended an invitation for Boyle to appear on her program.

It just goes to show – if you want to be a famous singer, you’d probably do well to attack yourself in the face with a hair-coated shovel first or else nobody will pity you enough to praise you a little bit more than you actually deserve.

So what’s next for Susan Boyle? Looking at it logically, one of three things will happen – a) people will quickly forget about Susan Boyle, leaving her as nothing more than a Chocolate Rain-style internet punchline, b) Susan Boyle will miss the point, sex herself up and instantly lose her entire fanbase or c) Susan Boyle will win Britain’s Got Talent, opening the door for next year’s winner to be a toddler with excema who can spin plates or something.

Whichever one it is, we just hope it happens soon. It’s given us a headache.

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We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight – man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies – you name it.

Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).

We have to admit that we were blindsided with the news that Oprah had magnanimously opted to share the front cover of O magazine’s April issue with someone not named Oprah. Turns out, the universe is also occupied by another sentient being named Michelle Obama. Huh. That is some messed up shit.

According to Oprah’s editorial, she decided to make room for the U.S. First Lady in an attempt to keep the cover of O “looking fresh”, and sure enough the feature interview is chock full of fresh, yummy details regarding Michelle’s shoes, exercise regimen and decorating style. Gloria Steinem, your head may explode now.

Oprah’s newfound inclusiveness however comes to a full, screeching stop near the end of the interview when Oprah returns to her favourite subject, Oprah:

Oprah: A reporter who once interviewed me ten years after she’d first met me said, “Gee, you’re the same person—but it feels like you’ve become more of yourself.”

Becoming more of yourself…hmmm…

A word of caution to the patrons of all-you-can-eat buffets everywhere. Never, ever approach Oprah when she is in the process of becoming more of herself. Just back away slowly, and discreetly gesture to the manager. Our prayers will be with you.

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Because she is. Jennifer Aniston’s ‘uncool’ comment about Angelina Jolie just came from the anger of having her husband stolen away by another woman. And, despite that, Jennifer Aniston still has nothing but nice words to say about Brad Pitt. On Oprah. Just before a new film of hers opens. That woman’s a saint.

Jennifer Aniston told Oprah that she thinks Brad Pitt is ‘great’. She harbours no bad feelings towards him, even though they both have movies coming out on the same day. And, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, Jennifer Aniston even refused to say whose film she thought was better – Brad Pitt’s elegant adaptation of a classic F Scott Fitzgerald text, or her own movie about a naughty dog who eats a man’s cake and is funny.

Why won’t Jennifer Aniston stop talking? She’s like one of those women on trains who blabber loudly into their phones for the entire duration of the journey, letting everybody hear one half of a conversation they’re probably having with themselves, whether they like it or not. Only all of Jennifer Aniston’s conversations are either about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, so they’re obviously very important. Or they’re about John Mayer, so they’re obviously not.

While the speculation over how pregnant she is rages on, Jennifer Aniston has this week opened up about how uncool she thinks Angelina Jolie is for stealing Brad Pitt away from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith. By doing so, not only did Jennifer Aniston edge one step closer to the garment-ripping rainstorm catfight with Angelina Jolie that we all is bound to happen at some point, but it also raised questions about whether or not she’ll ever let any of this go.

And that’s why Jennifer Aniston went on Oprah. Oprah Winfrey has always been there for Jennifer Aniston, giving her a public forum whenever anyone thinks that she’s a nervous wreck or that she’s going to get married to Vince Vaughn, so it was only natural that she’d go on Oprah this week to combat these new rumours about her being so embittered about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie that she craps litle black nuggets of pure hatred every morning.

The long and the short of it, Aniston told Oprah, is that she isn’t. What happened in the Vogue interview is that the interviewer asked Jennifer Aniston a question and she answered it. And actually she thinks Brad Pitt is still a hell of guy, even though his The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button movie opens on the same day as her Marley And Me. People reports:

“I basically just answered it as honestly as I could,” Aniston says. The actress has kinder words for ex-husband Brad Pitt, saying, “He’s done some amazing things in the last couple of years. So I just think he’s doing great.” And she doesn’t seem to have any feelings of competition with her ex. “We all want our movie to do well … Can we have a tie?”

Actually that’s very open and brave of Jennifer Aniston. It takes a big person to overcome the hurt of seeing your husband run away with another woman, so she should be congratulated. And she’s right – Brad Pitt has done some amazing things in the last couple of years. He’s starred in some critcally-acclaimed movies, produced Oscar-winning movies, been publicly involved in numerous charitable campaigns and fathered several children, whether through adoption or biological means.

But Jennifer Aniston has done some pretty amazing things too – she’s, um, kissed John Mayer on the lips. And she’s in a film about a funny dog. And, um…

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But, look, it hasn’t worked. Even though Will.I.Am’s awful habit of roping in celebrities like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson to perform sappy Hallmark-style songs like Yes We Can and Omigod Obama Just Touched Me (I’m Never Washing My Hand Again LOL!!!1!!) probably put Barack Obama’s chances of becoming president in greater jeopardy than any of that William Ayers stuff, he’s at it again.

Today Will.I.Am debuted his new Obama victory song It’s A New Day on Oprah. It might seem incredibly prescient of Will.I.Am to have written and recorded such a song as timely as It’s A New Day so soon after Barack Obama’s historic election win, but it’s really not – he also had another song lined up in case John McCain won. But sadly I Hate You, Stupid Old Man (And Jessica Alba Agrees) will now never see the light of day. Video after the jump…

What’s the worst thing about Barack Obama becoming president of America this week? His supposed lack of experience? The sense that the poor man’s going to have to spend so much time behind bulletproof glass now that he’ll probably end up developing some sort of terrible crippling social isolation disorder? No.

The worst thing about Barack Obama being elected president of America is that we’re all going to have to put up with about six solid months of listening to celebrities crow on about the great job they did of getting him elected in the first place.

We already got a hint of how unbearable it’s going to be when even Elisabeth Hasselbeck declared her support for Barack Obama this week. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, for God’s sake. A week ago she looked as though she’d actually consider burning his house down if it meant he’d lose. So if she’s behind Barack Obama now, just imagine how insufferable Will.I.Am is at the moment.

Will.I.Am was there right at the start, remember. When Barack Obama said “Yes we can,” Will.I.Am wrote a song called Yes We Can. When Barack Obama said “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for,” Will.I.Am write a song called We Are The Ones. When Barack Obama said that thing about getting his daughters a puppy, Will.I.Am toyed with writing a song about that before realising that the only word that rhymes with ‘puppy’ is ‘guppy’ and that’d be stupid, even for him.

And now that Barack Obama is the president-elect of America, Will.I.Am has decided to write a song about that as well. Today on Oprah, Will.I.Am decided to give the song its official debut, as Forbes reports:

Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am debuted his new music video celebrating President-elect Barack Obama’s victory during a live broadcast of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The lyrics of “It’s a New Day” include: “I woke up this morning, feeling brand new/Cuz the dreams that I’ve been dreaming has finally come true.” A video featuring photos of Obama played on a giant screen behind the Grammy-award winning artist.

Profound. Personally, we’re pleased that the dreams we’ve been dreaming haven’t come true because we’ve seen the damage that can be caused when bear vaginas grow teeth, but if that’s what Will.I.Am wants then good luck to him.

Although we will admit that It’s A New Day is slightly better than Will.I.Am’s other Barack Obama songs – mainly because Jessica Alba doesn’t come on and waffle about Darfur for an hour and a half in the middle – we do worry that Will.I.Am is never going to stop writing songs about Obama, even though he doesn’t really have to any more..

Because, seriously, as endearing as it seems now, just imagine how annoying it’s going to be in 18 months’ time when Will.I.Am releases his double album inspired by Barack Obama’s trade negotiations with Belgium. No, really, imagine it.

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We only mention this because the poor lad seems compelled to try and impress us all the time with a range of increasingly attention-seeking adventures. Yes, OK David, you can stand on top of a pole for a few hours at time – what do you want, a medal?

And just like a door to door salesman, David Blaine’s been back again with another spectacular stunt – this time involving gallons of water, Oprah Winfrey and a silver wetsuit.

Most magicians make their living by ballsing up card tricks at birthday parties and consequently making small children cry, or misjudging the drop of a burning torch and melting the skin off their hands.

But David Blaine is not your average magician. Instead of making balloon animals and poking swords through ropey-looking women, he mainly does long overdrawn stunts that bore the hell out of everyone. Previously David Blaine has stood in some ice and sat in a box and sort of spun around for a while. Truly he is a god among men.

So after dipping off the radar for a while, Blaine returned with a feat that many have almost died trying to do. Yes, the age-old hold your breath underwater game. You know, like he tried a few years ago right before he started convulsing and getting divers to rescue him and stuff.

Many of us have attempted to hold our breath underwater in the immature phase of life, by competing with each other to see who can bring themselves closer to death without actually meeting the grim reaper. Whilst most people reach a worthy 30 seconds, smarty pants David Blaine wanted to be the outright winner of said challenge so he’s had another go at it.

Of course the feat wasn’t done in public. It was done on Oprah Winfrey’s show – aka TV for the dumb. Obviously short of an X Factor reject or a zany Tom Cruise to interview, Oprah needed something to fill up her airtime. So for 17 minutes and four seconds, she let David Blaine float around in a huge tank as she pranced about and shrieked. Or something like that. According to BBC News:

Magician David Blaine has set a world record by holding his breath for 17 minutes and four seconds on Oprah Winfrey’s US TV show in Chicago. “I feel great”, he said, as he was pulled out of the water. “I actually started to doubt I was going to make it because I’d never done it with such a high heart rate,” he added. Winfrey asked him what he was thinking about during his time in the water, to which he replied: “You.”

Blaine told everyone’s favourite billionaire chatshow host that it was a “lifelong dream” to potentially kill himself in front of millions of Americans. And later thousands of Brits when we get the repeats in November. Whatever his strange ambitions, David Blaine is now recognised as the bloke who can hold his breath for quite a while in the Guinness book of records.

Next up, David Blaine doesn’t go to sleep for a while. Perhaps his mother didn’t hug him enough as a child.

Read more:

Blaine Sets Breathtaking Record - BBC

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.

It's worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she'll reach the same dizzying heights. That's right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.

Of all the megastars that X Factor has ever produced – like Chico and, um, that crying Scottish boy we just mentioned and Emily the scarily violent schoolgirl – none have been bigger or more successful than Leona Lewis. Right from her first appearance on X Factor, it was a certainty that Leona Lewis would win – she had it all.

OK, not quite 'it all' as such – try and talk to Leona and all you'll get back is a tumble of meaningless robotic statements about how grateful she is and what and honour everything is and how she's wanted to sing since she was a little girl – but Leona Lewis was able to sing a bit like Whitney Houston and looked decent in pretty dresses, which is usually enough to win these things anyway.

And now Leona Lewis has surpassed all expectations after an appearance on Oprah helped push her single Bleeding Love to a coveted American number one spot. The Independent reports:

Yesterday Lewis's single shot to No 1 in the Billboard Hot 100, knocking Usher from pole position – the first British woman to top the US singles charts since Kim Wilde in 1987 with her cover of The Supremes' "You Keep Me Hangin' On"… Despite finding her music "very safe" and "overwhelmingly mainstream", the Billboard contributor Paul Sexton agrees that Lewis has undoubtedly hit the big time. "There's no denying she's a big star now," he said. "Getting to No 1 in America is a very big endorsement, whatever you think of her music."

What's all the more shocking is the chiming endorsement that Oprah Winfrey gave Leona Lewis when she appeared on her show: "Wow, wow, wow… Talk about a star is born. You're the real deal, girl," she told Leona on air – marking the first time in history that Oprah Winfrey has ever got excitable about anything on TV, with the sole exception of everything else she's ever encountered.

And Leona Lewis' success in America has meant that she's leapfrogged Amy Winehouse, who is yet to score herself a US number one despite all the attention she's got there. However, Amy Winehouse can win Grammys and Leona Lewis can't even win a Brit, so if Leona wants to start winning the critics over she should probably start huffing crack on videotape and cutting herself. Just a thought.

Read more:

The Oprah Effect: America's next big thing – The Independent 

Which is convenient actually, because we're currently working on our fourth Star Trek script. Not to give away the whole plot, but it involves Spock's new girlfriend exploding off the Enterprise and landing in a fully-stocked Dorito factory that's so isolated its only residents are an inbred pack of wolves (enter antagonists). The factory does share a parking lot with an abandoned treadmill manufacturer, though. That's why the character's weight fluctuates so. We are willing to sell this entire outline for under $20.

But be warned – if you buy it you may not be able to cast Alley right off. No – you'll have to get behind Oprah for that one. They just signed a deal for something something blah blah blah.

Not to worry though. Our cousin says he knows a guy who manages Subway's Jared. Our connections come with the script.

Under $20.

When Kirstie Alley isn't forcing Sam Malone to make a baby with her, and then forcing John Travolta to raise it and then forcing that baby to plump-up so she can then reduce said baby's plumpery with her personal weight loss system, she's got a lot of time on her hands.

Nay! Nay we say! Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say she had a lot of time on her hands. Not anymore – ever since the time she showed Oprah Winfrey where her fat used to be, the talk show host has wanted to work with Alley bad. Now the fruits of those neighboring-desk desires are fruiting to fruition.

To further the fascinating details of this story, may we present to you, E! Online:

"[Alley], no stranger to emotionally and physically baring all on Winfrey's stage in the past, has signed a TV development deal with the talk-show queen's Harpo Productions. While no specific shows have yet been announced as a result of the deal, it's possible an Alley-led daily talk show could result from the partnership, particularly in the wake of the actress' recent string of successful appearances on Winfrey's chatfest."

The exact format for the show still needs to be worked out, but we think it should lean heavily towards reality TV. We don't need another talk show – no we've got better plans for Alley. We'd like to see her follow Shelley Long all over the place and just keep replacing her. Shelley Long was doing some dishes, now Kirstie Alley is doing some dishes. Shelley Long is kissing her grandkids goodnight, now Kirstie Alley is kissing Shelley Long's grandkids tonight. Shelley Long is taking out a restraining order, now Kirstie Alley is taking out Shelley Long's restraining order.

That, or maybe Alley could just do a one woman rendition of The Color Purple every single day. Episodes 2 and up would be soooooo easy to edit.

Read More:

Kirstie Alley's Oprah TV Deal – Monsters & Critics