Articles tagged with: Oprah Winfrey
Hey, Kirstie Alley Is A Blubbery Gigantobeast Again
Some say that Kirstie Alley is a thin woman trapped in a fat woman's body. She isn't. That description is way off the mark. No, instead it'd be fairer to say that Kirstie Alley is 15 dangerously obese women trapped inside a giant latex statue of the 'two weeks' woman from Total Recall. And that's not cruelty - Kirstie Alley said it herself to Oprah Winfrey. Well, almost. We might have paraphrased a bit. Anyway, Kirstie Alley is fat again. Maybe our dream of seeing a sweaty, massive-arsed, type-2 diabetic remake of Look Who's Talking isn't so far away any more.
Some say that Kirstie Alley is a thin woman trapped in a fat woman's body. She isn't. That description is way off the mark. No, instead it'd be fairer to say that Kirstie Alley is 15 dangerously obese women trapped inside a giant latex statue of the 'two weeks' woman from Total Recall. And that's not cruelty - Kirstie Alley said it herself to Oprah Winfrey. Well, almost. We might have paraphrased a bit. Anyway, Kirstie Alley is fat again. Maybe our dream of seeing a sweaty, massive-arsed, type-2 diabetic remake of Look Who's Talking isn't so far away any more.
Oprah Mag Puzzlingly Acknowledges Someone Other Than Oprah
Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given. We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight - man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies - you name it. Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).
Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given. We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight - man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies - you name it. Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).
Oprah Winfrey’s Network To Be Startlingly Like MTV
In a year's time Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network, shortly followed by her own planet. And then her own army of humanity-destroying clone robots. But until then let's concentrate on Oprah Winfrey's network. Nobody knows what the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain - other than non-stop footage of Oprah complaining about her weight - but the hiring of Christina Norman as CEO takes us one step closer. You see, Christina Norman used to be the president of MTV. And, from that, we can safely assume that the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain no music videos whatsoever.
In a year's time Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network, shortly followed by her own planet. And then her own army of humanity-destroying clone robots. But until then let's concentrate on Oprah Winfrey's network. Nobody knows what the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain - other than non-stop footage of Oprah complaining about her weight - but the hiring of Christina Norman as CEO takes us one step closer. You see, Christina Norman used to be the president of MTV. And, from that, we can safely assume that the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain no music videos whatsoever.
Some Guy Lies To Oprah, Resume Breathing Now
If it’s one thing that totally miffs Oprah, apart from half-eaten anything, it’s insincere jerks that misrepresent themselves on her show. Bastards. Seems it wasn’t that long ago that the Big O fell victim to the wily and deceitful James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces. Oprah, as you may recall, quickly came to Frey’s defense upon hearing the news that much of the book had been, er, made up, actually.
If it’s one thing that totally miffs Oprah, apart from half-eaten anything, it’s insincere jerks that misrepresent themselves on her show. Bastards. Seems it wasn’t that long ago that the Big O fell victim to the wily and deceitful James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces. Oprah, as you may recall, quickly came to Frey’s defense upon hearing the news that much of the book had been, er, made up, actually.
Oprah Winfrey Blames Her Fat Belly On Something Called ‘Food’
The first week on January is traditionally the week of going to the gym twice and hoping it'll offset 12 months of compulsive doughnut abuse. But not if you're Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she's turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she's determined to get slim again. And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by 'abusing' food, Oprah means 'keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal'. We can't see it working, to be honest.
The first week on January is traditionally the week of going to the gym twice and hoping it'll offset 12 months of compulsive doughnut abuse. But not if you're Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she's turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she's determined to get slim again. And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by 'abusing' food, Oprah means 'keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal'. We can't see it working, to be honest.
Oprah Winfrey Gets To Make Sweary, Boob-Filled HBO Movies
Oprah Winfrey rules all mediums; television, radio, magazines and - thanks to Screaming Round Lady Go-Go 100% - Japanese anime. But there's one medium that Oprah Winfrey hasn't dabbled in for a while - movies. Sure, she was nominated for an Oscar for The Color Purple, but that was over 20 years ago. So it's great to hear that Oprah Winfrey has just signed a deal to make mini-series, movies, documentaries and series. Best of all, she's making them all for HBO, so she can either be like The Sopranos and be intelligent and groundbreaking or be like Entourage and be annoyingly smug. You know, for a change.
Oprah Winfrey rules all mediums; television, radio, magazines and - thanks to Screaming Round Lady Go-Go 100% - Japanese anime. But there's one medium that Oprah Winfrey hasn't dabbled in for a while - movies. Sure, she was nominated for an Oscar for The Color Purple, but that was over 20 years ago. So it's great to hear that Oprah Winfrey has just signed a deal to make mini-series, movies, documentaries and series. Best of all, she's making them all for HBO, so she can either be like The Sopranos and be intelligent and groundbreaking or be like Entourage and be annoyingly smug. You know, for a change.
Yay! Oprah Winfrey’s Fat Again!
Oprah Winfrey's power is derived from the fact that, with enough speed behind her, she could dent a caravan quite critically. So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. "No I won't read your book recommendations," America told Oprah in unison, "because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won't even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!" Oprah was doomed. But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she's fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can't buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.
Oprah Winfrey's power is derived from the fact that, with enough speed behind her, she could dent a caravan quite critically. So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. "No I won't read your book recommendations," America told Oprah in unison, "because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won't even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!" Oprah was doomed. But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she's fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can't buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.
Marion Jones Does A Roidy Blub-Blub On Oprah
We like our female athletes like we like our coffee - brutish and startlingly masculine - which is why we like Marion Jones so much. Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones - the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice. Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were there hamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand and javelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn't. And don't think we're not disappointed about that.
We like our female athletes like we like our coffee - brutish and startlingly masculine - which is why we like Marion Jones so much. Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones - the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice. Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were there hamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand and javelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn't. And don't think we're not disappointed about that.
