Sometimes, one can only hope that Glenn Beck is the Republican version of Jon Stewart and that it was all one big joke we didn’t latch onto in good time… but there’s that gnawing feeling that he really does believe the beserk stuff he says.

And it is his views that have seen him and his family being targeted by “hateful” crowds at a screening of The 39 Steps in New York City on Monday night.

While there, Beck & Co were caught in a “hostile situation”, and if you look at his history, it isn’t difficult to see why that will happen from time-to-time. You troll people, there’s a strong chance they’ll harangue you in return. So let us glare at him at his most weird.

Apparently, Beck was at this outdoor screening and someone kicked wine onto his wife Tanya’s back, soaking her clothes and their Stars ‘n’ Stripes blanket. Then, after that, when Tanya and their daughter Hannah went to the bathroom to clean up, someone yelled “We hate conservatives here!”

The Becks did their best to ignore the catcalls and people taking pictures of them, but it obviously didn’t work, with Beck saying on his radio show:

“These people were some of the most hateful people I’ve ever seen. All I wanted to do was watch a movie in the park. I have a right to watch and enjoy a movie in the park.”

Hate? Wanna talk about hate? See, Beck was mockingly applauded as he left the show. While it may be very uncomfortable to be chided in public, you have to wonder where this behaviour comes from. Seeing as the screening was in New York, you have to assume that saying things like ‘I hate 9/11 victim families’ will turn a community against you.

And of course, Beck’s melodramatic response probably doesn’t help matters.

“If I had suggested ‘Does anybody have a rope? Because there’s a tree here. You could just lynch me.’ I think there would’ve been a couple in the crowd that would’ve.”

It isn’t exactly a good idea to bring up lynching is it, especially given that Beck has been accused of ‘race hate’ in some quarters.

Fact is, if you’re on a huge platform like the Fox Network, given the opportunity to speak without fear of immediate reply, if you have views that are, to put it kindly, controversial, then people will build up loathing and weariness which could easily manifest itself as… well… taking the piss out of you while you sit on a rug in a park.

Of course, Glenn Beck has the right to his views and no-one should ever take that right away from him… but y’know, the right to speak goes both ways, so if someone wants to boo and heckle you, they’ve got that right too, especially if you’re the kind of bloke who can lose his bap on-air and furious slate a caller, only for you to call them a “pinhead”.

Public attacks aren’t very nice are they? Mercifully, we revel in it and would love the chance to mindlessly call Glenn Beck names, mainly because he looks like Bobby from King of the Hill.

It goes without saying that, while Beck recalled all this on his show, he got all choked up. It’s not like Glenn Beck to cry is it? Not one bit…

Beck, who launches a live streaming video network in Sept., closed his segment about the incident with a plea for love, “Find a way to love because in the end only love remains. The only thing that is true is love. Everything else is a lie. Do not hate, love. That’s the promise of America. That is the shining city on the hill that cannot and will not be hid.”

Beck’s GBTV will feature Beck’s new daily two-hour show and other original and licensed programming.

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Oprah Winfrey has been shooting her mouth off saying that she’s going to get OJ Simpson to confess to his dirty murder on her television show, but alas, someone has already beaten her to it.

That source is the Daily Mail. And the National Enquirer. They never tell lies do they? They would’ve been told-off by someone official if so. This means we can take their words and reprint them as gospel.

So yeah, the words ‘I killed Nicole’ have been uttered by OJ ‘Glove Problems’ Simpson, which is nice. Is someone going to arrest him again… or something? We don’t know the protocol and can’t be bothered to find out. Simpson hasn’t just confessed, he’s allegedly spoken about how he did it. Step right this way gore fans!

According to the Mail, Simpson has already told Oprah that he knifed his wife to death in self defence. Of course, Oprah isn’t saying not saying a peep as she’d prefer to talk about it when she’s got some ratings at stake.

Of course, Simpson is already in prison, serving a nine year sentence for a robbery and kidnapping, but he was famously acquitted of murdering his wife and her chum Ronald Goldman even though it totally looked like he’d done it.

So step forward the National Enquirer, purveyors of undiluted truth and wisdom! They say that the former pro-ball chucker has been in contact with Oprah for the past year, ‘fessing all, saying:

“Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defence. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself”

“OJ said he went home and kept getting angrier and angrier and worked himself into an absolute rage”

Apparently, Simpson said that he…

“didn’t like the way she treated me in front of the kids at the restaurant. I didn’t like that she was routinely having guys have sex with her at her condo with the kids there.

He then obviously definitely said:

“I went over there to give her a piece of my mind. She was yelling go away! Go away! And waving the knife around at me. At one point she was lunging at me with the knife and I was just trying to talk to her. Nicole stepped out of the apartment – slashing the knife in the air”

“I was in such a rage that something just snapped. I couldn’t take her constant taunting of me with other men or her using drugs and drinking while my kids were living with her. I went beserk.

‘“Before I knew what I was doing I took the knife away from Nicole and started slashing at her. I cut her over and over again until she was lifeless. I was shocked at my own anger – I had killed the woman I had loved for so long…”

Then then presumably knifed Ron Goldman in self-defence and would’ve stabbed the crap out of anyone else within a mile radius, in self-defence before going on the world’s most famous, and slow copchase ever.

So there you have it. Close the casebooks. Everything has been worked out by Oprah, a right wing British newspaper and a comic.

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Everyone think OJ Simpson committed those murders right, despite the fact he never got collared for it. Even the gloves that didn’t fit his American Football playing hands are under the impression he’s guilty.

Even an adult actress, who performed under the name ‘Devon Shire’ (you should see her cream custard) thinks he did it. Even OJ himself isn’t sure, once saying: ‘Let’s say I committed this crime… even if I did this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?”

Oprah Winfrey is under the impression OJ is a killer, saying that she wants to get him to confess to it while being interviewed by her. That would be something wouldn’t it? Oprah getting the goods the police force never could? Well, she did inadvertently make Tom Cruise jump around on a sofa like a man-possessed.

Now Oprah has gone electric (aka, gone off on her own network, called OWN confusingly), she’s started dreaming big. And what would her dream interview be?

She wants O.J. Simpson to sit before her and say that he killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson. Not asking for much, eh?

Oprah says:

“I have a dream of O.J. Simpson confessing to me”

“And I am going to make that happen, people. I don’t just want the interview. I want the interview on the condition that you are ready, Mr. Simpson”

So why would OJ Simpson want to talk to Oprah, let alone confess that he was a massive murderer on television?

Bizarrely, she cited a photo she saw recently of herself as a baby growing up in poverty in Mississippi.

“The fact that that baby girl from a shotgun house in Mississippi can get to the OWN network means that the OJ Simpson interview is possible”

The American dream, eh? You can be anything you want in the land of milk and guns made from honey. You can rise to the top and force a confession out of a man who, if suspicions are correct, likes killing people. WAIT! That would make great television! OJ confesses before garotting Oprah Winfrey, with an audience of 80 million people!

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Shania Twain once told us that ‘the best thing about being a woman is that you get to have a little fun.’ Of course, men have fun too. And when men and women have fun together, everything is just great, right?

Wrong. You see, in this case, ‘a little fun’ happened to be Shania’s husband – Mutt Lange – sticking his member inside Twain’s best friend in the whole world. “That don’t impress me much, uh-uh-uh-ooow“, Shania probably said at the time she found out about it all.

The fallout of this heartbreak left us all tantalisingly close to Shania giving up on music completely, never again subjecting us innocents to the appalling, vomiting country-pop smashes that briefly took over the universe like some kind of sonic herpes.

Apparently, Shania was utterly shattered by her fella’s infidelity. She told Oprah Winfrey that she became

“an emotional mess”

“I figured mentally that I would never sing again.”

See, Twain had not only lost her husband, but also, the man who produced and co-wrote her records.

“I hadn’t written a song without this man in 14 years….How do I even get started?”

Well, what musicians normally do is translate their pain and thoughts into their music. Especially country singers. Failing that, what with you being so famous and all, you could always hire someone new to do it, right? You may not have talent, but at least you have your voice, right?

Twain revealed that she also suffers from dysphonia, an ailment where the muscles squeeze the voice box, leaving you sounding like a rasping housefly doing a Cartman impression while stuck in a moped engine, razzing in first gear.

“My fears and anxieties throughout my whole life have been slowly squeezing my voice. I was losing it slowly and progressively.”

Alas, unable to sing, Twain decided to sit down and write a book which looks at her failing marriage and knackered voice, called From This Moment On, as well as a documentary series called Why Not?

However, the best bit of this tale is still to come.

Brilliantly, Twain decided to find love with a chap called Frederic Thiebaud. Who he? He’s the former husband of the woman who ran off with Shania’s bloke. It’s like ol’ country incest!

Fantastic!

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Glenn Beck – the GG Allin of television* – isn’t likely to see his contract renewed by Fox. Imagine that for a second. Someone in the world who is deemed too nutso even for Rupert Murdoch. Staggering stuff.

So what can Glenn Beck do now? Have a cry about it? Roll around on the floor, masturbating into an American flag?

He might! And he might film it too! That’s because Glenn Beck is to take his brand of bug-eyed, frenzied gibberish onto his own network! If you can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em! And we can only imagine the horrors that will unfold on GBTV.

He is considering a cable channel takeover or expanding his online video service, going solo much like Oprah Winfrey. Of course, instead of being the caring bosom of America, Beck will film himself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, from a secret nuclear bunker, talking to himself and slowly deteriorating before climaxing with a shotgun in his mouth and a small stars ‘n’ stripes dangling from his anus.

You know damn well that’ll happen if there’s no-one to tell him where the line is.

Disagree? Here’s a man who said that the devastating events in Japan were likely to be a “message from God”. He’s all heart isn’t he?

Alas, it would appear that America is tiring of ol’ Glenn. He’s lost over one million viewers from his show in 12 months. We suspect this is wholly connected to his outing himself as a Muse fan. That, or people have stopped tuning in ironically.

Either way, it looks like Fox bosses are considering giving him the chop. Presumably, this is so they can pave the way for Sarah Palin’s sadly inevitable television career. Fox can’t be hiring a man who has nearly 400 advertisers boycotting him can they?

And so, once more, the eyes of the world will look to America with a special kind of astonishment reserved for their right-wingers.

Gawd bless ‘em.

*Think about it. Self defecating and won’t be happy ’til he’s in the centre of a riot he’s caused himself. Probably has a tiny penis as well.

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Oprah Winfrey has, seemingly, existed forever. She’s like a TV Mumm-Ra or something. And of course, most of her career has comprised of solemnly nodding at guests and talking about her fluctuating weight.

Good gig if you can get it.

However, Oprah also like a good ol’ overshare. She’s spoken rather candidly about the sexual abuse she endured, a teenage pregnancy and lately, pushing aside rumours that she’s a lesbian. That said, she’s got one big secret left up her sleeve and she wants to tell us all about it.

Oprah says:

“I was given some news that literally shook me to my core. This time, I’m the one being reunited. I was keeping a family secret for months, and on Monday you’re going to hear it straight from me.”

So, we’re getting a reunion are we? So who the shit is it?

Well, in 2010, someone called Kitty Kelly released an unauthorized biography about Oprah and the book claimed to know the identity of Winfrey’s biological father. As Oprah likes a big story, especially if it is about herself.

The book didn’t mention any names and refused to do so until Winfrey’s mother, Venita Lee, tells her daughter herself. Lee has refused to do this since forever.

It’s looking pretty likely that she’ll be waltzing her father on-stage and everyone will go nutso when she does. A well played ratings smash for Oprah, again.

Sadly for Oprah, we’re ready to blow the lid on this one and announce who Oprah’s biological father is.

Are you ready? Ready for disappointment?

Oprah Winfrey’s father is non-other that [hecklerspray's lawyers would like to intervene here and note that, should any clues be given away in this article, Oprah Winfrey will send her robots - known as 'The Killing Machines' - round to the 'spray bedsit and they will kick each writer 'til our genitals are the colour purple]

Damn.

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It’s all been a bit quiet on the Mel Gibson front of late. He’s probably seen Charlie Sheen’s meltdown and thought ‘Cool! I can relax a bit! Someone needs to show how rotten Hollywood is to the core!’

This is probably because Gibson is now in court as opposed to hiding under his duvet and swearing at his own legs (or whatever it is he’s been doing all this time).

The bug-eyed actor and Oksana Grigorieva (we’ll be glad when we don’t have to keep typing her name out over and over) were in a courtroom in LA yesterday for yet another episode of ‘Who Can Look Most Mental?’

Mel arrived for the closed custody hearing about 10 minutes before ex-girlfriend Oksana, very much like someone who turns up at a job interview slightly too early so they look keen. Nice work Mel. We hope you took chewing gum to cover up the smell of any nervous fags you smoked prior to entering the building.

Of course, between all the leaking of tapes which contained all manner of unsavoury language, the pair have been sparring over financial matters and custody of their infant daughter.

As such, Gibson must cough-up $60,000 in back child support to Oksana Grigorieva because he’s been refusing to pay up until he was allowed to deduct the $6,000-a-month in rent he pays for the home where Grigorieva is staying with her mother and daughter.

However, the Los Angeles court rejected his rent deduction and forced him to write a big ol’ cheque.

This of course, will only add to the notion that some people have, that Oksana is attempting to extort him for money. It’s worth pointing out though, that it’s been alleged that Mel way well have punched her veneers out, so be careful if you’re siding with him, because y’know, there’s a chance he’s a wife-beater. For all concerned, we’re hoping he’s not (mainly because we’ve yet to find the funny angle on domestic violence).

As a result of this, Grigorieva’s team have asked the judge to deny Gibson visitation rights, citing fear of the actor’s temper. There’ll be no judgement on that ’til early next year though.

We eagerly await the accusations and claims of people coming out of the woodwork who reckon they had an affair with one of them. Or both! THAT would be a great story!

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For a period, everyone constantly wanted a piece of Michael Jackson. He then sang “Leave me aloooone!” and eventually, everyone did. This of course, saw the sad decline of a very exciting pop star. He went from blistering footwork and creator of upbeat, synth-soul… to a sad, lonely figure who would only appear in public when wincing at the sunlight.

The months leading to his death, he was to have his Elvis In Vegas moment (except it was This Is It! In London), where Jackson was to wheel out the greatest hits and hopefully give us all a taste of how good he once was.

Then he died too young and everyone in TV realised that they should have tried to get more interviews out of him because, for good or bad, Jackson is one of the more interesting characters pop-culture has ever been graced with.

And since Jackson’s death, something of a cottage industry has sprung up around him, allowing those that knew him the chance to talk on his behalf without seeking his permission first. And so, lackeys and hangers-on are all putting themselves forward in the hope they can make a quick buck off the back of one of the most successful recording artists in history.

It won’t stop for many years either… look at the way people are still dining out on Lennon and Presley.

However, one interview MJ would surely approve of is Oprah Winfrey closing out her talk show’s final season with a talk with Michael Jackson’s mother. The show will air November 8th and will dedicate a full hour to a Jackson family tell-all special.

Winfrey visited the Jackson family home in Encino, California, for an extensive sit-down with matriarch Katherine Jackson.

Jackson’s father, Joe, as well as his three children, Prince, Paris and Blanket, will also appear during a “backyard visit” taped especially for the episode.

It isn’t clear how many of the other members of Jackson’s family will appear. It’s rumoured that several relatives, including Randy Jackson, weren’t informed about the interviews in an attempt to avoid any confrontations.

Apparently, the Oprah team are looking to secure an interview with the mother of two of Jackson’s children, Debbie Rowe.

This could make for some very curious and intriguing television, just like Oprah’s interview with the late singer all those years ago.

Of course, we expect to get zero comments on this article because we haven’t goaded anyone, which ironically, will not be picked up on by MJ fans who read our next article where we make loads of cruel jokes at his expense. Ah well.

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Ooooh! That Oksana Grigorieva is a nasty, leeching, shit of a human isn’t she? Right Mel Gibson fans? She’s a horrible human who has taken lovely, cuddly, possible-hates-Jewsy Gibbo and made him go mental! POOR MEL!

Unless, of course, she’s telling the truth about her claims that he punched her front teeth out and left a whole series of messages on her answer phone that would make even the nastiest hecklerspray writer blush with embarrassment.

Well, you get to look into Grigorieva’s eyes as she talks about the whole thing on television and decided whether she’s being honest, a massive liar or… um… somewhere between the two. That’s right kiddiekins – Oksana is going to bare her soul on Oprah Winfrey!

Gibson’s ex is to reveal ALL (please note, ‘all’ actually means ‘what she’s legally allowed to talk about and probably missing boring stuff about the time they bought a new toilet seat and the like) about their romance, grisly break-up and custody battle.

That sounds nice doesn’t it? A lovely bit of grief porn for you there.

This will make nice viewing for Mel Gibson who presumably, has been pacing around at home wondering what the piss he can do with his day, answering the phone with “I’ll take it! Oh, I thought it was my agent…”. He’s had little to do other than watch the world’s media string him out on the rack, listening to the fluid escaping from each crack of his spine.

The taped disputes between the two have been widely circulated and, if you’ve listened to them, it really does sound like Mel Gibson going beserk and dropping the N-bomb.

Of course, the police are investigating the claims of domestic abuse, but that won’t stop Grigorieva doing a little cry over the relationship in an upcoming TV interview on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Apparently, executives at Winfrey’s production company Harpo beat producers from U.S. programme 60 Minutes to land the Grigorieva exclusive.

60 Minutes will probably throw money at Gibson when he decides to talk about the whole thing.

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You’ve watched Oprah Winfrey’s TV show. You’ve read the magazines. You’ve heard the radio station.

Actually, you probably haven’t. Unless you’re an overweight American housewife who ploughs an inordinate amount of emotional investment into billionaires you’ll never meet in an attempt to disguise the fact that your life is essentially empty and meaningless, you probably do your best to ignore Oprah Winfrey as much as possible. But will you be able to ignore the forthcoming movie based on Oprah Winfrey’s unauthorised biography, huh?

Yes, yes you probably will. It’s only going to be a TV movie. Actually, the more we think about this, the better you’ll do out of it. Hooray!

That girl from Precious had better put down whatever food she’s currently holding, because this could be her lucky day. A TV film based on Kitty Kelley‘s recent unauthorised biography of Oprah Winfrey has just been announced, and surely she’s a shoo-in to play the lead. Or at least she could share the role with a thinner actress, I’m Not There-style, to accurately portray Oprah Winfrey’s dieting tactics. Oh, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Look, there’s going to be an Oprah Winfrey film, OK? AP reports:

Veteran producer Larry A. Thompson said Monday the planned two- or four-hour Winfrey film will be based on Kitty Kelley’s tell-all biography. Thompson says he has optioned it for six figures. The TV project is expected to air in September 2011, which would coincide with the end of Winfrey’s weekday talk show. He calls himself “a huge fan” of Winfrey.

Oh, let’s face it. You’re not going to watch this. Nobody is. Oprah Winfrey is already so pointlessly ubiquitous that the last thing anyone needs is to see a film about her life. That’s unless the film ends up being a slow-motion dramatisation of that time Oprah lost her temper because some French people wouldn’t let her into a shop after it had closed. We’d watch it then.

Actually, no we wouldn’t. We’d rather cut off our balls and stuff them into our eye sockets. As you were.

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Who’s the most dangerous celebrity? Which fiend of myth wields the most power?

Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever? She’s only beaten up one toilet attendant, and that’s nothing for a Northern Girl, Cheryl Weedy more like. Russell Crowe? Well, there’s his terrible band with the terrible name and he can throw a mean phone, but that’s nothing new. Just ask Naomi Campbell.

No, it’s none of these monsters of legend – it’s Oprah. Oprah has just won the title of ‘officially the most powerful celebrity it the world’. And she won it with an elbow takedown in the fifth round, apparently.

Songs will be written about her, and her legend will live down the ages in poetry and music.  According to legend, she has hands of pure stone with which to smash your stupid face, her thighs are made of the finest brass that resound with a mighty bass ringing when she walks, her nose opens and fires out heat-seeking missiles (as did Michael Jackson’s, he just filled it with a sleeping-gas delivery system and ended up overusing it. Now you know). Frankly, Oprah could probably kill you with just her hair.

Just think, this time last year we were living under the yoke of Angelina Jolie and her multi-ethnic army of children, idyllic times. However, it seems as though the house of Jolie has waned with the lack of fresh orphan blood, and the house of Oprah has risen like a lardy hawk and she has waged much war to take the jewelled crown in what was undoubtedly an awe-inspiring and bloody conflict. The BBC reports from the battlefield:

US TV host Oprah Winfrey has been named the most powerful celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. Winfrey knocked film star Angelina Jolie off the top spot of Forbes’s annual Celebrity 100 list, which is based on earnings and media exposure.

Oh, so it’s just some poxy back-slapping exercise where net worth is considered in terms of how much you can bang on about your weight-gain on your network chat show, and not about the ease at which you could crush a solid ice sculpture of a lighthouse in your mighty fist? Well, that’s much less exciting.

You know what they should do? Stick ‘em all on a remote island and let them scrap it out, Battle Royale style. I mean just look at the Top Ten, surely Oprah wouldn’t stand a chance? Let’s run down:

10. Madonna – Well, she is quite wirey, but one good punch would probably split her parchmenty, aged skin. Oprah’s got the stones to take that. Lose.

9. Johnny Depp – He’s basically a very effeminate girl. Lose.

8. Sandra Bullock – Good for bluffing her attacks, what with her not being about to move her skin about at all, but then again there’s probably a loss of motor function that comes with that. Lose.

7. U2 – it’s four on one, but Bono will probably sack off the fight to fight climate change in his private jet or something, and no one is really sure the other three actually exist and aren’t just holographic leftovers from the Zoo TV tour. Lose.

6. Britney – Where do you start? Lose.

5. Tiger Woods – Not unless he knobbed her to death (which is quite possible, granted). Lose.

4. Lada Gaga – Are you kidding? She can’t even stand upright. Lose.

3. James Cameron – Frail, elderly man who looks like a creepy lesbian aunt? Oprah literally eats people like that for breakfast. Lose.

2. Beyonce – Apart from the arse, a light snack for the beast that it Oprah. Lose.

Huh, looks like Oprah is the most powerful celebrity in the world, well done Forbes. Let’s hope the reign is a benevolent one. All hail Oprah!

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It’s a good thing that Justin Bieber has those puppydog eyes and that suspiciously sentient-looking haircut.

He doesn’t seem very bright, does he? Just days after appearing to not know what the word ‘German’ means – even though he was looking at a card with the word ‘German’ written on it while a man repeated it over and over again to him – Justin Bieber has used an interview with Oprah Winfrey to divulge another gap in his knowledge. That’s right, Justin Bieber has told Oprah Winfrey that he doesn’t understand why young girls scream at him so hysterically whenever they seem him.

Fortunately, there’s a relatively simple answer to this. We’ve conducted a number of scientific and sociological investigations into this phenomenon, and the results speak for themselves. The reason, Justin Bieber, why young girls scream so hysterically whenever they see you is because they’re all idiots. To repeat, they’re all idiots.

We were just joking back then, by the way, about Justin Bieber using his Oprah interview to list all the things he doesn’t understand. That would be ridiculous. Television just wasn’t designed to tackle issues as deep and wide-ranging as Things That Justin Bieber Doesn’t Understand. True, there’s ‘What Does The Word German Mean?’ and ‘Why Do Girls Scream At Me?’ – but there’s also ‘What Is A Zip?’, ‘What Are Your Knees For?’ and ‘If You Take A Photo Of Someone At The Same Time That They Take A Photo Of You, Why Doesn’t The World Explode?’. It would literally never end.

So instead Justin Bieber just concentrated on not understanding why girls scream at him when he appeared on Oprah. To his credit, he did try to untangle the mystery himself, as ABC News reports:

“It’s pretty hard to comprehend. Like everything’s just kind of surreal,” Bieber said, in an interview on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”. Asked why he thinks teen girls are screaming and crying when they see him, he said: “I have no clue!”

Oh Justin Bieber, you poor lamb. To be fair, we don’t understand why girls scream and cry as soon as they see you either. But nevertheless, let’s posit some theories on the matter:

1 - Girls scream at Justin Bieber because he’s currently the youngest and cutest pop singer around, and he will be for at least the next three weeks.

2 - Girls scream at Justin Bieber because they’re scared that his haircut will leap off his head and bite them.

3 - Girls scream at Justin Bieber to drown out the sound of all his horrible songs about text messages.

4 - Girls scream at Justin Bieber because they don’t realise that they’re naught but unwitting pawns in the cynical machinations of his record company’s marketing department.

5 - Girls scream at Justin Bieber because they don’t realise that, as the youngest and coolest pop sensation out there, this guy is far more deserving of their screams.

You’re welcome, Justin Bieber. If you need help with anything else, you know where we are.

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Jessica Simpson is good at sex. Better than good. She’s amazing at sex. She is, according to John Mayer, sexual napalm.

What’s sexual napalm? The truth is, we just don’t know. We imagine it means that Jessica Simpson’s vagina can cause severe burns, and that anybody within 100 feet of Jessica Simpson when she has sex runs the risk of dying from heat stroke, dehydration, suffocation or smoke inhalation. The trail of Jessica Simpson’s sexual partners, all of whom are now withered Bombenbrandschrumpfleichen-stricken carcasses, are a testament to this.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson is good at sex. And, as she’s told Oprah Winfrey, she wishes that people would shut up about it.

These should be the happiest days of Jessica Simpson’s life. People finally know what she’s for. She may have struggled to maintain a music career, and her career as a reality TV star are long behind her, and she’s yet to make a film that isn’t so unbelievably hopeless that it’s all we can do not to fling ourselves into the path of an oncoming train as soon we so much as think about it, and she can’t even design any clothes without getting sued, but that’s OK. Now we know that Jessica Simpson’s only role in life is to be objectified as a thoughtless sex object. She should be thrilled about this.

But is she? Is she bollocks. Ever since John Mayer spent a worryingly large part of his infamous ‘racist penis’ Playboy interview describing exactly what she’s like in the sack, Jessica Simpson’s life has been turned upside down. Now nobody wants to talk about the entire TV series she’s managed to make about that day where she looked a bit fat. They only want to talk about how she can probably dislocate her pelvis and tie a knot in a metal spoon with her tongue at the same time, or whatever it is she does.

And Jessica Simpson has had enough. That’s why she’s appeared on Oprah to tell everyone how sad she was when John Mayer made his remarks. MTV reports:

When Jessica Simpson sat down with Oprah Winfrey for an episode airing Wednesday, she addressed the controversial and personal comments former flame John Mayer said about her in Playboy magazine. “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed!” Simpson told Winfrey.

Now we’re not exactly PR experts, but if Jessica Simpson is really as sick of her reputation as she says she is, she’s doing a terrible job of making it all go away. Taking the problem to a widely-watched TV show like Oprah is just going to draw even more attention to it.

Take our advice – if Jessica Simpson really wants people to stop thinking of her as sexual napalm, then she’s going to have to start having all kinds of really disappointing sex with strangers. Statistically some of her partners will try to sell their story afterwards, and it’ll only take a few ‘She accidentally elbowed me in the face’ or ‘She fell asleep halfway through’ or ‘Ouch! My perineum!’ headlines before everyone’s forgotten about the whole napalm thing. Our cheque’s in the post, Jessica.

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Did you see the Super Bowl yesterday? Oh boy, that sure was some game – the way that one team beat another team?

Amazing. And the Super Bowl half-time show, where half of The Who sang some songs in a fairly nondescript manner? Wowsers, talk about entertainment. And then there were the Super Bowl adverts, like the one for Dockers where nobody wore trousers, and the one where Toyota hilariously apologised for recalling five million cars because they were potentially lethal. Classic Super Bowl.

But the biggest Super Bowl moment probably came with the 15-second commercial for David Letterman‘s show. Why? Because it reunited Letterman with his arch-enemy Jay Leno, which is a big deal if you like that kind of thing.

For the most part, yesterday’s Super Bowl was a crushing disappointment. Usually the big news of the day comes from the half-time show, but that wasn’t the case this year. The protests against The Who’s appearance didn’t turn into a full-scale riot, Pete Townshend didn’t make his guitar look like a willy like Prince did a few years ago and Roger Daltrey didn’t even pop one of his nipples out. It was very disappointing.

And the Super Bowl itself wasn’t much better, on the basis that American football is a sport that people only pretend to like. So that just leaves the commercials. And, luckily, David Letterman had something quite special in store for us. Look…

Look! It’s David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey, who David Letterman was once engaged in a long feud with. And there’s Jay Leno, who David Letterman has been engaged in a feud with for almost 20 years. Together! On a sofa! For 15 seconds! Together!

The advert was a masterstroke for all kinds of reasons, especially because the recent palaver over Conan O’Brien and The Tonight Show gave Leno and Letterman a new excuse to snipe at each other with unbridled ferocity on their shows. And now it would seem that all the bad blood’s in the past.

The three stars come out of the commercial looking better than ever, too. David Letterman looks like a good sport for arranging it, Jay Leno gets to take another step towards public redemption and Oprah Winfrey looks like a comedy genius just by sitting next to Jay Leno – who is, after all, about as funny as herpes.

And the repercussions of the commercial should be great, too. If it works, all three will see a direct ratings boost as a result. And if it doesn’t work, the worst-case scenario is that the world gets a much-needed reminder of what wonderful actors they all are. People forget that Oprah Winfrey was once nominated for an Oscar, or that Jay Leno was once in a buddy action movie with Mr Miyagi, or that David Letterman was once in one episode of Mork And Mindy 31 years ago. The offers should come flooding in now.

But the David Letterman commercial wasn’t the only good thing about yesterday’s Super Bowl. There was also… oh, who are we kidding? Yes it was.

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These are interesting times for Jay Leno. Sure, he’s always been an odd-looking, charmless, unfunny man.

But people liked him. Now, though, thanks to the palaver over NBC and The Tonight Show, that’s all switched around. Because he’s seen, rightly or wrongly, as the man who forced Conan O’Brien off the air, Jay Leno has emerged as the villain of the piece – a reputation not helped by the fact that he looks like the sort of person who’d sneak into your house and night and stab you through the eyeball with his chin.

Anyway, in a last-ditch attempt to win the public over again, Jay Leno has appeared on Oprah to say that he’d like to talk to Conan O’Brien soon. That’s more or less what he said, anyway – what he said was a bit more whiny and annoying. And unfunny, too. Don’t forget unfunny.

We’re now four days into this new post-Conan wilderness and, for the most part, things have reverted back to normal. David Letterman is still griping about anything that happens to pop into his mind, Craig Ferguson is still conducting imaginary three-way conversations between two versions of himself and a crocodile puppet and Jimmy Fallon is still rightly being ignored by the world at large.

Things aren’t completely back to normal, of course – Conan O’Brien has stopped hosting The Tonight Show in order to concentrate on weeping into his Scrooge McDuck-style money vault full-time, and then there’s Jay Leno. And, for someone who prides himself on being a regular, trustworthy, man on the street, Jay Leno’s public image has taken an almighty battering for his part in NBC’s woes.

That’s bad news for Leno – if he loses his reputation as middle America’s favourite everyman, he’ll have nothing left. He’ll just be a tired old man telling weak topical jokes to a sycophantic guitarist who gets paid to laugh at him. But this won’t be the end of Jay Leno, not as long as he’s got powerful friends like Oprah Winfrey to help him out.

That’s why Jay Leno has decided to appear on Oprah – to a) show the world that he’s still the same old middling, inoffensive, mediocre everyman that he ever was and b) talk about Conan O’Brien in a manner that superficially resembles sympathy. Here’s an excerpt from the transcript:

Winfrey Have you talked to Conan in person?
Leno I haven’t talked to him through all this. No. I haven’t.
Winfrey Did you want to pick up the phone?
Leno Yeah, but it didn’t seem appropriate.
Winfrey Why?
Leno I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know.

Of course, pretending to be the bemused bystander in all of this is just Jay Leno’s first step towards reclaiming The Tonight Show for himself. The second step involves doing an extra-long patronising high-five session with his audience at the start of his first episode back.

Then, and we could be wrong here, Jay Leno will start ploughing his fortune into the research and development of low-temperature technology so that, even after he dies, he’ll still be able to present The Tonight Show With Jay Leno’s Cryogenically Frozen Head and nobody will ever be able to take his place ever again. Ever.

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