Justin Bieber was on Oprah this week. Now the Twilight cast are, too. Next week: Barney The Purple Dinosaur.
Or a picture of a cat. Or whatever it is that teenage girls go crazy for these days. We don’t know. Anyway, Oprah’s Twilight interview will go down as one of the most awkward in history, because of one thing – Oprah made Taylor Lautner wear a shirt. It was horrible. He looked uncomfortable, his fans could barely recognise him, and Taylor Lautner’s nipples – furious about being ignored in public – are now planning to leave Taylor in favour of a multi-year deal on a series of low-budget firemen calendars.
Oh, and Oprah Winfrey asked Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart if they were dating. It was quite a moment – as soon as she asked it, Oprah was presented with a luxury food hamper for being the millionth person to ask them that. Congratulations, Oprah!
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This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She’s appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her?
Susan Boyle is now as famous as that other memorable Oprah guest – the bloke who barbecued some stuff for a couple a minutes a while ago. We forget his name. But anyway, the main thing was that Susan Boyle told Oprah Winfrey how much she enjoys her new-found fame.
Incidentally, Susan Boyle’s interview was subtitled. Not because Oprah’s viewers wouldn’t understand her impenetrable accent, you understand, but because producers wanted to distract everyone from her bizarre werewolfy face.
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Remember the name Susan Boyle – in ten years she’ll probably be the answer to a pub quiz question or something.
Or a major Broadway star. No, we were right first time – Susan Boyle will be the answer in a pub quiz. And the question will be ‘what was the name of the funny-looking woman from Britain’s Got Talent who made everyone jizz in their pants because she sang a terrible song in a mediocre way?’
That’s right, everyone. Thanks to Britain’s Got Talent, Susan Boyle has won Demi Moore over and might appear on Oprah. Literally on Oprah. The pervert.
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Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given.
We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight – man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies – you name it.
Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).
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Jennifer Aniston might have insulted Angelina Jolie in public this week, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a good person.
Because she is. Jennifer Aniston’s ‘uncool’ comment about Angelina Jolie just came from the anger of having her husband stolen away by another woman. And, despite that, Jennifer Aniston still has nothing but nice words to say about Brad Pitt. On Oprah. Just before a new film of hers opens. That woman’s a saint.
Jennifer Aniston told Oprah that she thinks Brad Pitt is ‘great’. She harbours no bad feelings towards him, even though they both have movies coming out on the same day. And, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, Jennifer Aniston even refused to say whose film she thought was better – Brad Pitt’s elegant adaptation of a classic F Scott Fitzgerald text, or her own movie about a naughty dog who eats a man’s cake and is funny.
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Listen, we know a lot of you voted for Barack Obama because you thought it’d stop Will.I.Am from writing crappy songs about him.
But, look, it hasn’t worked. Even though Will.I.Am’s awful habit of roping in celebrities like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson to perform sappy Hallmark-style songs like Yes We Can and Omigod Obama Just Touched Me (I’m Never Washing My Hand Again LOL!!!1!!) probably put Barack Obama’s chances of becoming president in greater jeopardy than any of that William Ayers stuff, he’s at it again.
Today Will.I.Am debuted his new Obama victory song It’s A New Day on Oprah. It might seem incredibly prescient of Will.I.Am to have written and recorded such a song as timely as It’s A New Day so soon after Barack Obama’s historic election win, but it’s really not – he also had another song lined up in case John McCain won. But sadly I Hate You, Stupid Old Man (And Jessica Alba Agrees) will now never see the light of day. Video after the jump…
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Ever get the feeling that David Blaine was the kind of kid who got picked for football last at school?
We only mention this because the poor lad seems compelled to try and impress us all the time with a range of increasingly attention-seeking adventures. Yes, OK David, you can stand on top of a pole for a few hours at time – what do you want, a medal?
And just like a door to door salesman, David Blaine’s been back again with another spectacular stunt – this time involving gallons of water, Oprah Winfrey and a silver wetsuit.
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