OK, so it’s perfectly clear that Dancing With The Stars is a much more exciting proposition than Strictly Come Dancing.

On Strictly Come Dancing, what have we got? A middle-aged woman from a coffee advert and the woman off The One Show. But on Dancing With The Stars it’s a completely different matter. On Dancing With The Stars, people literally dance until their appendixes explode, and then they carry on dancing anyway.

That’s more or less what happened to Dancing With The Stars professional Julianne Hough, anyway – after being diagnosed with endometriosis last week, she’s having her appendectomy today and hopes to be back dancing within a week, a date that incidentally coincides with the debut of new ABC series Dancing With The Oh God My Stitches Are Coming Undone, Oh God, Oh Jesus No, My Guts Are Seeping Through My Dress. Stay tuned, kids.

Seriously though, how rubbish is Strictly Come Dancing compared to Dancing With The Stars? Not only does Dancing With The Stars now officially cure heart disease, but it’s also about a thousand times more dramatic.

Take last week, for instance. Professional dancers on both shows picked up injuries. On Dancing With The Stars, professional Julianne Hough discovered that uterine-lining tissue was growing outside the uterus on the surfaces of her appendix and if she didn’t get her appendix removed quickly, she’d probably die or something. Meanwhile on Strictly Come Dancing Brendan Cole hit his leg on an escalator and it really flipping hurt. It hardly compares, does it?

And, just to show how much of her life is dedicated to the art of twirling around in a dress that barely covers her bottom, Julianne Hough has decided that she isn’t going to let a little thing like a septic internal organ stop her from performing on Dancing With The Stars, as People reports:

Julianne Hough undergoes an appendectomy on Tuesday – and wants to hit the dance floor within days. “Everything’s okay,” the two-time Dancing With the Stars champ said on Monday night’s show, where she performed a samba with partner Cody Linley. “I’m going to hopefully be back, if everything goes as planned, next week.”

Even for cynics like us, Julianne Hough returning to Dancing With The Stars a week after a fairly major operation seems fairly remarkable. She’ll certainly be the centre of attention when she does make her comeback, as all of America eagerly awaits the debut of brand new dance moves like the Agonised Double Over, The Pallid Vomit and the Sudden Screaming Collapse.

Still, though, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Kim Kardashian, don’t you? Since she was kicked off Dancing With The Stars weeks ago, that means that she’s officially worse at dancing than an 82-year-old woman, a forgotten singer with a dicky ticker and now a woman who literally needs to be sliced open, possibly because it hurts so much when she shits. Nice going, Kim!

Bad news, all unfertilised sperm – the chances of you splattering into one of Naomi Campbell’s ovums has just increased exponentially.

That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.

And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?

We’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell would be excellent with a baby. Not only because people are infinitely more understanding if an angry demented women happens to be pushing a buggy but also, if Naomi Campbell asks the midwife to leave the umbilical cord nice and long, she could probably use the baby against her enemies by twirling it around her head like some sort of medieval mace for a few years. What’s not to love?

Anyway, Naomi Campbell has managed to tick off most of the boxes on her life’s to-do list – you know, like shag the crap one from U2, infuriate Nelson Mandela, become a pop star in Japan, turn a boat into splinters with just her fists – and the only left is for her to have a baby. And now that could very well happen, apparently.

Remember when Naomi Campbell had her operation in Brazil earlier this year? Back then everyone thought she was just getting a cyst removed from her stomach, but apparently not – apparently they were unclogging her lady-drain. Because where once Naomi Campbell couldn’t have babies, now she’s perfectly able to bang out angry baby after angry baby whenever she likes. And she’d like to now, please. Naomi Campbell told the Press Association:

“Until March, I wasn’t able to have kids. Now I can. I was not able to have children up until March. Now it’s in God’s hands. I would love to have a family but it’s up to God. I do want to have kids. I’m 38 years old.”

That’s not a statement, that’s a Craigslist personal ad. Naomi Campbell then went on to say that her favourite colour is orange and that her hobbies include needlework, attacking her servants until they bleed and daydreaming about the magic in a child’s smile.

But if a child is what Naomi Campbell wants, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to have one. In fact, it’d be quite cool to have Naomi Campbell as a mother, wouldn’t it? She’d teach you all the basic skills like English, maths and spitting on policemen, plus all your teachers would clearly be too terrified of her to ever write anything negative about you in your school report. Not to mention the fact that, being part-Campbell yourself, you’d probably have the strength to javelin a lamppost through the Sun by the time you were about six.

Ultimately, though, if Naomi Campbell does have a baby, there’s going to be a whole lot of screaming and crying and constant demands for attention and accidental shitting going on that’s bound to be highly stressful. But give the baby an few months and it’ll probably get used to it.