Which is obviously a massive lie. Everyone knew that Britney Spears was opening the MTV VMAs last night – the press release, endless media coverage, MTV VMA promo spots and commemorative ‘Hey, Did Anyone Mention That Britney Spears Is Opening The MTV VMAs This Year?’ noddyheads made sure about that – but nobody knew how she’d do it.

And the answer was simple – by walking onstage, reading about three sentences mentioning that she was opening the MTV VMAs and then walking offstage again. And best of all, Britney Spears only messed up one word of it. Welcome back, Britney. You’re so much nicer when you’re robotically dull.

The MTV VMAs are always a big deal, provided you’re 13 and still care about MTV, but last year’s show was perhaps the biggest deal ever – it was the year when Britney Spears threw away her entire career by not hiding her hair extensions very well and looking confused.

But what a difference a year makes. That performance jolted Britney into concentrating on her comeback, which she did by failing to promote her album, having a breakdown on a pavement, locking her son in a bathroom with her until the police were called , getting taken to a mental hospital, being medically diagnosed as Gravely Disabled, losing custody of her kids forever and going on a sitcom a couple of times. It’s basically the same way that Sylvester Stallone prepared for his fight against Dolph Lundgren in Rocky 4.

But all of that paid off last night, when Britney Spears made her massively-hyped comeback at the VMAs. What would it involve, we wondered beforehand. A song? A surprise walk-on spot during someone else’s performance? Or would Britney Spears go all out and give us all what we wanted – a stiffly-delivered spoken word introduction that barely lasts ten seconds and yet still manages to mangle the word ‘anniversary’ into a completely brand new form?

Oh Britney, you never let us down, do you?

“Thank you so much. Thank you for all the love. I’m here tonight to celebrate a very important birthday, the 25th anniversity of the VMAs. This is the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards and it starts right now.”

But that wasn’t the last sighting of Britney Spears at the VMAs, though – she also triumphed in the awards themselves, winning Best Video, Best Pop Video, Best Female and the unofficial Oh Christ How Many Awards Do We Have To Promise Her To Make Sure She Turns Up award.

Other highlights of the MTV VMAs included Christina Aguilera wanting to be Katy Perry so badly it was sort of awkward to watch, Kanye West debuting his new single – a brave new mix of dance music and accidentally off-kilter singing, and a virgin throwing a tantrum at Russell Brand because Russell Brand said virgins were stupid or something.

But the night undoubtedly belonged to Britney Spears, who showed what an incredible turnaround her life has gone through since last year’s debacle. Who knows, give it another decade or two and Britney might even be ready to actually sing.

An MTV VMAs show without Britney Spears isn’t an MTV VMAs show – it’s just an excuse for Chris Brown to wobble around like his knickers are filled up with puffer fish. So imagine how thrilled we are to learn that Britney Spears will not only be appearing at this Sunday’s MTV VMAs, but actually opening them!

It’s wonderful news, and the perfect chance for Britney Spears to erase the painful memory of her stumbling around and failing to mime to her own song at last year’s show. Now she gets to replace that with a new memory of her having a giant panic attack onstage and ending up lying in the fetal position, rocking backwards and forwards, yanking fistfuls of hair out of her scalp and screaming abuse at a monster that only she can see.

We’re guessing.

Say what you like about Britney Spears but she isn’t a quitter. Nope. She definitely isn’t a quitter. Britney Spears never quits. Not even when it’s blindingly obvious to everyone that quitting would probably be the most dignified and medically sensible thing she could do. No way, that’s not Britney Spears.

Case in point – Britney’s embarrassingly lacklustre performance at last year’s MTV VMAs. The hair was bad, the dancing was sloppy, the abdominal muscles were crayoned on and – although the feeling of sad desperation was actually quite convincing – the whole thing was so bad that people were calling it Britney’s lowest moment of all time.

But Britney’s not a quitter. Contrary to a statement by her own manager last week, Britney Spears has just announced that she’s going to take to the stage once more and dramatically open the 2008 MTV VMAs on Sunday. Reuters reports:

“MTV has long played an important role in my career,” Spears said in a statement. “How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.”

Now, you might think that Britney Spears has lost her mind for opening the MTV VMAs – after all, she hasn’t performed in public at all since last year and she’ll be under more scrutiny than ever before on Sunday – but you have nothing to worry about.

Last year’s trainwreck? That was the old Britney Spears. On Sunday you’ll see the brand new Britney Spears, a woman who’s spent the last year being kept in a mental asylum and constantly getting reminded that she’s a dangeously unfit parent. See? Nothing to worry about.

We don’t know what Britney Spears has planned for the MTV VMAs on Sunday – details are being kept tightly under wraps at the moment – but we honestly hope it goes well for her. Our advice to Britney Spears is that if she wants to make people love her again, she should remind them of why they loved her by doing something genuinely popular that she’s already done before.

That’s right, we want Britney Spears to take her knickers off and divorce Kevin Federline again. It’ll go down a storm, trust us.