Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.

As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.

And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.

Ye strolled up with Russell Simmons (Def Jam founder, if you didn’t know) and must’ve thought how wonderful it was for him to be there. A musician with a conscience. Like Joan Baez. Like Bono. Those saintly guys. But he’s a rapper. A global brand with a heart.

How splendid it must be to feel that in your soul… and believe it.

And so, surrounded by the great-unwashed with their dreadlocks and signs, Kanye did what any smart musician would do an kept his mouth firmly shut (for once).

It appears that West didn’t want to get into the tricky topics surrounding the world’s finances for fear of looking stupid. Let us not forget that his diamond encrusted gob has got him into trouble in the past. Remember when he said that George Dubya Bush hated black people? Remember that?

And so, as this video shows, he basically just stands there, looking gormless. Whaddaguy!

And after he’d finished protesting against Wall Street bailouts to financial greed, what did the gold-grilled Kanye do? Why, he did what any right-minded protester who hates all that unshared wealth would do!

He attended the ‘CULO by Mazzucco’ book and art exhibition launch after-party held at NYC’s Darby Restaurant and slurped Beau Joie champagne where he talked about his exclusive fashion line that he’s launching in Paris.

Shall we all join together in a solidarity fist?

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Beyonce is pregnant. That’s great isn’t it? Unless you’d hoped that B and Jay Z were going to adopt you in some way. She’s 3 months gone! Wow. Wait. That means she was having sex when when Osama bin Laden got killed or Ratko Mladi? got arrested for genocide and war crimes.

It seems justice, death and open war-graves turn Beyonce on. Crikey.

While everyone koochy coos about this new baby, Kanye West is shouting “FIRST” in the comments, saying that he’s already decided that he’s going to be the godfather of this baby, regardless of what anyone else says.

It goes without saying that Kanye wants to play a significant role in the baby’s life. He wants to play a significant role in absolutely everyone’s life.

He isn’t needy at all.

And some source says:

“Kanye is as excited about the baby as Beyoncé and Jay-Z. He’s been saying he’s going to be godfather and is absolutely chuffed. It will be a huge honour for him.”

Chuffed? With that use of British slang, we can’t imagine that the source is particularly close to Kanye can we?

Either way, this source is incredibly likely to be close to be close to the mark. You can easily imagine ‘Ye wobbling around with his golden teeth and spectacularly fragile ego, staring people right in the eyeball, shouting “Imma gonna take care of this child! Imma gonna be the best godfather the world ever saw!”

Sadly, if this is the case, this poor little sod won’t ever get the chance to finish a sentence without Uncle Kanye barging in.

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Do you leave tips in restaurants? If there’s a few of you, you all chuck a quid in each because that seems about right? Well, you’re nothing but a sickening tightwad because, when Jay Z leaves a tip, he really leaves a tip.

We’re not talking about a tip like “condoms make excellent fingerprint disguisers if you’re robbing a chemist” or anything like that.

We’re talking about Jigga going to some place and leaving them with a $50,000. Tell that to Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs.

It’s fair to say that Jay has a bit of money to throw around. This tip came on the back of him spending a buttock tightening $250,000 on champagne at the launch party for his and Kanye West’s new (pretty lousy) album, Watch The Throne.

After some time off, it seems rappers are back in the game when it comes to vulgar displays of wealth. Christ knows what will happen with our Premier League footballers now, ever eager to copy their hip hop idols.

J-Hova wasn’t done there. He also produced $95,000 from his gold plated throat to pay for a 15 litre bottle of Armand de Brignac’s special Ace of Spades bubbly.

A witness said:

“It takes two people to serve the champagne due to the size and weight of the bottle!”

Another onlooker spat:

“I WANTED A PEAR CIDER Y’PRICK!”

Previously, Johnny Depp wowed everyone by leaving a $1,150 tip somewhere, while Jessica Simpson left a $300 tip for the $500 bill at a New York restaurant.

But Jiggaman has made them look like heartless bastards.

Kanye West and Jay Z have got together to make supreme ego project, Watch The Throne. The first single taken from it is called ‘Otis’. Is that something to do with the people who make shopping centre escalators?

Of course it isn’t. That’s a stupid notion. But well done if you’ve ever noticed that mall escalators are made by a company called Otis. You’re as sad as we are.

No, this new track is called ‘Otis’ because it leans heavily on a sample taken from Otis Redding’s most famous track, ‘Try A Little Tenderness’. A little too heavily if you ask us. But what is the video like? Well, lets pull it to pieces shall we?

While the new release has broken all kindsa records, there’s a palpable sense that this won’t be remembered as a classic in years to come. Of course, the duo have their own impressive back catalogues to contend with, and more importantly, who cares what jerk-off critics like us think of such things, right?

However, there was a certain amount of confusion surrounding the lead track when it was announced.

See, we weren’t listening properly and were convinced that Jay and ‘Ye had decided to remake forgotten ’80s cartoon, Ovid Video when we heard that there was going to be an ‘Otis’ video.

Looking at the cartoon in question, we’re not sure that even J Hova could make this tune cool.

No, instead, we’ve been treated to this impressively dull promotional video which shows our protagonists… well… not really doing anything at all.

First off, we see Jay and West approaching an expensive looking car with some implements of death. These are the kind of things you would want someone to throw in your underpants. Meanwhile, a team of Top Gear Stig’s look on nervously, hoping that the tools will be taken to the body of the car, rather than an ad-hoc circumcision.

Mercifully for the Stig balls, the video quickly turns into awful Sunday afternoon show, Scrapheap Challenge. And bit of car are cut up despite there being nothing noticeably wrong with it.

An the tinkering with a perfectly good car continue, for reasons unclear. It seems like such a daft waste of cash, given that we’re in a dreadful financial predicament. The folly of rich men is laid bare, much like the track itself.

And so, from the kind of car a managing director might drive… to this. Mad Max meets the DeLorean from Back To The Future. A fire breathing daftmobile which is insanely impractical. How are you going to get the shopping in that? It looks too wide for a drive-thru as well. They really hadn’t thought this through had they? Silly celebrities.

And here they are, stood before the Stars ‘n’ Stripes. It’s the American dream. The ability to confidently throw your money around like it’s going out of fashion! What could possibly go wrong?

See? Look how much fun they’re having! They can’t stop laughing! They’ve chopped a car up, made it shoot fire out of the back and everything couldn’t be more hilarious!

And how the girls in the back laugh too! Wait! Not one of them is Beyonce! And surely it isn’t safe to have a unsafe road vehicle that breathes fire tearing up the place with four girls sat in the back with no seatbelts on. This is the kind of reckless behaviour that kills people. And all they can do is laugh?

Ever the gentleman (despite the fact he’s in a car with a bunch of girls who aren’t his wife), Jay decided to walk alongside the monster car. Sadly, some bloke in a suit has decided to jump in, making the whole thing a mockery.

And so, our heroes leave the car completely for a nice pray. They pray that no-one gets hurt by this junkyard motor. They also pray that no-one can see straight through their forced bon homie.

Then they forget about all that health and safety nonsense and decide to laugh uproariously in their car again. Kanye can barely remember the death of his mother after a botched bout of plastic surgery! He’s got women behind him, laughing their legs off! This is the funniest car journey in history! They’re probably listening to the Ying Tong Song to make it even funnier! What japes!

Then they blow up some tiny boxes and go home for some Ovaltine, assured that they’ve had a very productive day. How splendid it must be to be able to polish such expensive turds.

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We feel sorry for Kanye West. He’s the only celebrity on Earth who gets any criticism of any sort. The rest of them are treated like Gods among men, while he is vilified and pilloried every time he opens his mouth.

Essentially, everyone is picking on him and he doesn’t like it. And he’s not taking it either! Nosiree! He’s got a microphone and worked out how to use it! YEAH!

And so, after comparing himself to Adolf Hitler at a UK festival, he’s now been ranting on a Norwegian stage about how he’s been demonised by the press. There’s a very good chance that the good people of Norway would’ve preferred him to actually perform some songs, especially after the tough month they’ve had, but there you go… ‘Ye is the only victim in the world at the moment. And sadly for West, this is all weighing on him so much that his legs gave way beneath him.

At his appearance at the Oya Festival in Oslo, Kanye once again decided to lash out at the press. The same press that pretty much gave him universally good reviews for his ‘Dark Twisted Fantasy’ LP.

He told the audience:

“It feels so good to come by here and rock y’all tonight. We come to make sure you all have a good time ‘cos so many bad things have happened. I’m so thankful to have my voice back and I want to thank everyone. (New album) Watch The Throne is number one in 23 countries with no press or promotion.”

So far, so typical of any gig.

“You know how I feel about the press. I hate the press. They try to take my s**t out of context. They try to demonise me, but it don’t matter because my fans are always here.”

Demonise? Take the rise out of you, yes… but actually demonise? He must be thinking of Michael Jackson. There’s a man who has been demonised. Not someone who gets fun poked at him for constantly playing the wounded wanker card all the time.

So instead of feeling sorry for him when he makes a boob, we can all point and laugh as he falls flat on his expensive ass on-stage.

Watch.

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Bam! Biff! Boosh! Kablam!

These are some of the sounds that all boxers experience when they are in the ring and go through the procedure of splattering someone’s brain across the ring. Or, if you’re Mike Tyson, an opponent’s ear. On Saturday Amir Khan went down in an impressive 54 seconds thanks to Breidis Prescott and lost his unbeaten record. While he had a sore head, the people who paid £14.99 for the match will have probably been a bit annoyed. They could have literally been on the crapper and missed it.

Now, Noel Gallagher from Oasis isn’t someone we’d think indulge in boxing. Maybe in the past, but not now he’s turned into a grandad of rock n roll. Famously blaming video games for messing up the minds of the nation’s youth, we think he’d be more inclined for a steaming mug of tea and a pair of furry slippers. Even a couple of rich tea biscuits may push him over the edge.

Something that literally did push him over was a crazed fan when Oasis played a recent gig in Toronto. Why the fan showed his love by knocking him over rather than tattooing Noel Gallagher’s initials into his own testicles is beyond us. Anyway, for some comedy falling over by the Oasis bloke, watch the clip below. He gets shoved over around the 1:30 mark.

In the year or our Lord two thousand and two, hecklerspray got robbed. We were calmly walking down a picturesque cobble-stone walkway when we suddenly found ourselves handing two popsicles and a toaster strudel over to a nine-year-old with a fistful of corkscrews sticking out between his fingers. We meant her fingers.

We were devastated, as that had been our lunch, and we silently swore that nobody should ever have to endure atrocity like that again. Since then no nine-year-old girls have been safe from our wrath. That’s because we bought a mask to secure our true identities, and several canoe paddles we carry around with us all the time. It’s all extremely intimidating but we’ll use ‘em if we have to – just try us little girl! We’ll knock your flower-patterned external retainer-wearing butt to kingdom come!

50 Cent’s been robbed too, you know. It makes us feel better, like we’re not quite so lonely in our victim-ness. His robbery may take a sizeable chunk out of his horrible thug cred, as it happened onstage in front of an entire African nation of what we assume are starving, poverty stricken people.

And when you get robbed by a belly-bloated starving guy, and it gets filmed and posted on Youtube, well how can you face your friends again after something like that?

There was likely a time when 50 Cent was but a wee lad, dreaming of one day harnessing the power of almighty bling to feed all of Africa, maybe by melting it all down into delicious golden loaves of bread. Little did he know he’d sort of get the chance. He was performing in Angola recently when a young male concert-attendee jumped on stage, grabbed the chain and took off running.

It is currently unknown whether or not he melted it into a sandwich.

What is known though – is the boy didn’t get away for long. His undoing was parents with an apparent strong moral code. Just ask SixShot.com:

“An Angolan citizen accused of snatching 50 Cent’s chain while he was performing at an event in the African nation last week has reportedly been turned over to police by his parents.”

The best news is you can watch video of the on-stage thievery right here. It’s because you mean so much to us, and we want to provide you with incredible entertainment whilst you waste away in your government jobs.

You do all work for the government, right?

Read More:

50 Cent Fan Steals Chain During Gig – PR Inside

The Spice Girls gave something rather special to their audience this week – no, Geri Halliwell didn't do the decent thing and cover herself up for once, but the Spice Girls all brought their children onstage.

During their performance of Mama at the O2 arena in London on Tuesday night, it's been reported that most of the Spice Girls brought their children onstage to say hello to the thousands of buyerless eBay touts who make up their audience these days. In the middle of the song Victoria Beckham, Mel B and Emma Bunton all brought their kids out on stage. In fact, the only Spice Girl mother not to introduce her child to the audience was Geri Halliwell, for fear that the effect of 20,000 people all derisively going "pffft" at the same time after hearing the name Bluebell Madonna would knock over a lighting rig or flip the stage upside down or something.

Now that The Spice Girls world tour has hit its absurdly long residency at London's O2 arena, the girls can put all their troubles behind them. They don't have to worry about gimmicky sales promotions or appalling Tesco adverts, tanking comeback singles or half-sold concerts, because they're in London, and everyone in London loves the Spice Girls.

These London concerts mean so much to the Spice Girls that not even Emma Bunton's buggered-up ankle can stop the girls doing what they love best – tightly grinning through their reported inter-group rucks and performing the same decade-old songs in exactly the same way night after night after night. Except for Tuesday night, that is, when the Spice Girls planned something slightly different.

According to reports, the Spice Girls brought their children onstage during their performance of Mama. It was a joyous moment for sure – you'd need to have a heart as cold as ice not to well up at the sight of six frightened children being hauled in front of tens of thousands of hysterically-screaming strangers by their oddly-dressed mothers. The Press Association reports:

Victoria Beckham decked out her boys, Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz in matching T-shirts emblazoned with the words 'POSH'. Baby Spice Emma Bunton cuddled four-month-old son Beau, while Mel B brought along daughters Phoenix Chi and Angel Iris. The children wore bright green ear muffs to protect them against the noise. Geri Halliwell's daughter Bluebell was the only Spice offspring missing.

For what it's worth, Mel C couldn't bring any children onstage because she hasn't had any yet. But don't be sad, because she doesn't need children – she's got her pet cats, which are almost like babies in the sense that she dresses them up as babies, makes them sleep in cots, constantly tries to enrol them in local nursery schools, carries them around in a papoose, weens them on a diet of milk direct from her own breast and gets angry if you refer to them as cats instead of people.

Anyway, isn't it a weird song choice to bring the Spice Kids out on? Mama is a song that's all about how much the Spice Girls love their mothers, and by bringing their children out, surely the implication is that the Spice Girls are singing it to themselves. In fact, they might as well have just sung a song called The Spice Girls Are Brilliant – a statement that's at best wrong and at worst dangerous.

But that's just a minor quibble. Judging by the reaction that they got with their children, it seems as if audiences love watching the Spice Girls make literal displays of their songs like this. Hopefully it'll continue throughout their London residency – perhaps for Spice Up Your Life the girls can rub freshly-chopped chillies into their eyes or mace each other.

And the prospect of what they'd do during Stop is just too exciting to bear.

Read more:

Spice babies join 'Mamas' on stage - Press Association