Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Christmas games are usually a crock of old poo, rehashing already boring games into something with snowflakes and stupid reindeer.
However, Mountain Maniac Xmas is one of the few re-edits that makes a whole bunch of sense! See, Santa must get pissed-off with Christmas like the rest of us, so take ol’ Mr Claus and help him to absolutely trash everything in sight with his hammer.
Kill owls, penguins, reindeer, people driving cars and explode gingerbread houses and trains carrying toys. Lovely!
Too many online games treat you like a) You’ve got endless hours to play them and b) that your computer is so up-to-speed that it can handle super-duper graphics. The reality is, people tend to mess around online for a quick fix and have computers that overheat during the most simple of technological tasks.
So then, you’ll be thrilled to learn that there’s a whole bunch of insultingly simple games out there to idle away some minutes if you’re bored.
Robot Unicorn Attack is one of the big successes of the past 12 months, inadvertently reviving an old Erasure track and stamping a seal of approval on (seemingly) everyone’s fondness for unicorns.
Now, we’ve got Robot Unicorn Heavy Metal to play online as well, serving as a sneaky reminder of the fact that there’s going to be a new version out just in time for Christmas, soundtracked by that stupid Yule song by The Darkness.
Anyway, if you love Robot Unicorn Attack but are sick of playing the old one, click the link below to see your unicorn tackling a very different world to the last, only this time, soundtracked by some hairspray metal band. We can’t be bothered checking.
A lot of online games get super hung-up on trying to look really great, often at the expense of that most important of things – being fun to play. How many times have you seen a cool looking motorbike game, only to find out it’s as clunky as a first date?
Well, there’s none of that with Supermax. Supermax is so basic that it almost has a charming ZX Spectrum quality about it.
You take the role of some bald guy trying to escape from prison and basically, the only thing to do is avoid the gaze and guns of the patrol. Insultingly easy to figure out… not so easy to whip through the levels. Lovely stuff.
Is pole dancing really demeaning and sexist? Is it a feminist thing that strikes a blow for independent women who want to fleece stupid men for their money? Do you even care? Are you even reading these words or are you now completely distracted by the thought of jiggling bosoms in your mind?
That’s a lot of questions to throw at you, so, on a pole dancing theme, why don’t you sidestep balding travelling salesmen getting delayed, sexual gratification by storing dancing women in their wank-bank for later and have all the fun of erotic dancing with Pole Dance Party 2?
If you are on a laptop, look away now. Why? Because Steam Droid is one of those games that will really irritate you by making direct your character with your right hand and aim your gun with the touchpad with your left. If you’re anything like hecklerspray, this makes it nigh on impossible to do the simplest of gaming tasks.
However, if you are brainy enough to do two simple things at the same time, and preferably on a desktop computer, then Steam Droid is a really fun little skive.
It’s Friday, so really, you should be aiming to do as little work as possible. You’ve probably already got your eye on a pint of nut-brown ale or generally having your feet up for a couple of days (unless you have children, which means you’ll never get any rest ever again).
You shouldn’t wait ’til 5pm to slack-off work. Start your skiving right now with a game called Visible III.
It’s incredibly easy to play and fiendishly addictive. You’re some chap who needs to do something really important and spikes and things that blow up get in your way. You have to use the reflection on the ground to see hidden platforms and traps. It’s mondo fun!
Farming? That’s boring isn’t it? Inbred folk with one ear between them all mucky finger nailed and up to their chins in silage! That’s what farming is, right? Not if you’re a drug dealer. Drug dealing is much more glamorous.
And, according to Hemp Tycoon, cute. That’s right. Growing huge plants of skunk never seems to sweet as a hemp leaf with a face on grows drugs in his attic before moving onto the lawn, then to fields… and you get the idea.
Most online games are incredibly easy to work out as they’re based on things you’ve already played. There’s beat ’em ups, shoot ’em ups, sports games, puzzle games… and the list goes on and on.
However, sometimes, you’ll find an online game that’s absolutely mystifying. A type of game that just doesn’t exist anywhere else because it’s so peculiar. And here we have Falling Sand Game. An incredibly boring name, sure. Rubbish graphics too? Yep.
It must be quite tricky coming up with ideas for new games. There’s so many of them knocking around that there can’t be much in the way of new ideas. So when originality isn’t an option, go for something weird.
And Gibbets 2, while being the archetypal Aim And Shoot game of angles, there’s something rather unnerving about it. Basically, it seems like a load of people have been lynched in the deep south of America. We say that because these poor buggers have been left hanging to a vaguely country soundtrack.
