Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Aw Jeah!? E! just put out its first full trailer for the new reality show staring Ryan Lochte, creatively?titled “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”?and I already feel dirtier (and dumber)?just watching it.
What would a juiced up, overconfident, naive, idiot do? Dude has pre-ejaculate written all over his forehead.? This kid is probably the worst lay of the century.??Oh, you’re “fratty as fuck”?? Excuse me while I undress myself and let your bro-cologne waft over me.?
You know when somehow people suppress information for months and months because they know that it’d send the nation into a mad panic if it was reported at the time? Like how people never knew how close Britain came to losing the world wars, or how close terrorists come to blowing us up. Well we have old news for you!
Paul McCartney almost died. That’s right. The loveable, fake-haired moptop singer of the Beatles (the only one still living that’s not called Ringo Starr, natch) could’ve been involved in a helicopter crash. Back in May.
People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.
Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen?s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.
Sounds dreadful doesn't it?
Any child of the nineties will remember not wanting to go to school. Not because the education system was as messed up as Chloe Sims? face, or because of the taunts of ?the three stripe-clad knuckle-draggers who marked themselves as the school’s social elite.
It was because they wanted nothing more than to watch The Big Breakfast.
The alternative breakfast show has been hosted by pretty much everyone on television, but really came into its own with Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen at the helm. It was brash, bright and loud: just what a child wants instead of stupid Maths and History. Tell the truth, where has Maths or History ever got you that knowing how to sing the ?Vital Statistics? song hasn't? Nowhere, that's where.
The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That's right, it isn't one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn't exist! Roll on February 29th!
And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (? The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.
But the mass global event we're all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.
Ringo Starr, quite possibly still going around warning everyone with ‘peace and love’, is opening and closing his mouth again, letting words tumble out and reminding everyone that he once provided the voice for Thomas The Tank Engine and friends.
He’s also nattering about his famous chum, Sir Paul McCartney.
Apparently, the 10th best drummer in The Beatles (after John Lennon, Sir Macca, George Harrison, George Martin, Billy Preston, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Yoko Ono, Astrid Kirchherr and that arhythmic dripping tap in studio 2 of Abbey Road) is still in close contact with the only useful living member of the Fab Four.
Pedestrian noodle-rockers, Pink Floyd, are going to stop bickering pointlessly with each other just long enough to play some music together because, clearly, someone in the ranks is feeling the pinch of a giant mortgage payment.
That, or they’re just too needy for huge amounts of cloying sycophancy which will inevitably greet each week-long guitar solo and muted fart they do.
So what’s the craic then?
Yay! The Olympics! Brilliant! Who wouldn't want to watch athletes competing in events for an oversized piece of bling? But hey, it's great for the nation right? Whole decayed areas have been wiped out to make way for wondrous architecture that?ll sit dormant for years to come.
Excellent, that’s just the thing that our stupid government’s ?Big Society? wanted to achieve. Pump loads of money into the host city whilst other cities used for side-events have to do with no investment! HURRAY!
So far, the London Olympics has thrown up a logo which looks like an epileptic?s nightmare and, with less than a year to go, it's been announced that alongside film director Danny Boyle, electronic duo Underworld will be working on the opening ceremony. Whilst it might come as a strange choice to some, the decision may be the kind of bold move that could result in a proper audio and visual feast!
Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.
Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.
Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.
Paul McCartney is all set to headline the opening ceremony of London 2012 Olympic Games alongside other British music stars who probably aren’t nearly as good. Unless they get Girls Aloud on which would be amazing.
The Beatle has told organisers of London 2012 he is “up for” playing at the opener, but which songs he will play is yet to be seen. Or organised at all probably. And Ringo Starr won’t be there, which is simultaneously a shame and of little consequence.
But which songs should Macca consider? Sure, he’s got a massive back catalogue to play with, but there’s some cheeky tracks that are less famous that he should really think about including.
