Olly ‘the luckiest boiled potato on Earth’ Murs is definitely some things: irritatingly catchy pop himbo, presenter of X Factor siamese show, The Xtra Factor and technically a man. These things are fact. They can’t be denied.
But what would you say if we told you that the flamboyant singer slash presenter slash runner up was in fact heterosexual, and not as you would think, a total Mo.
And for that matter, what would professional beard Caroline Flack say now we know about Olly and Harry Styles’ torrid, Brokeback Mountain-esque romance? She’d probably go back to being Bubbles The Monkey. Seriously. Google it.
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Death-threats have dogged Caroline Flack since everyone found out she’s allegedly been shagging Harry Styles from One Direction. Fans are furious and the rest of the world is doing small vomits in their mouths.
That’s because Harry Styles is a veritable child. He’s 17 and she’s 408 years old.
Of course, the Xtra Factor host isn’t phased by all the wrung hands, furrowed brows and deafening dry-heaves. That’s because she’s apparently already had sex with Olly Murs, which is worse than enjoying intercourse with Robert Mugabe and Genghis Khan’s corpse.
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Hello. Do you remember when you watched The X Factor final yesterday? Well, by an astonishing coincidence, so did we. And crikey, wasn’t it just totally and definitely and absolutely unequivocally passable? Yeah. Take that, H8ERS.
*Dermot tongue roll* ALRIIIIGHT. It was in two halves, like the bloody brilliant darling that it is. Is it possible to be too entertained? The answer is of course c) Kaposi’s sarcoma.
Nonetheless, yes they absolutely poured out a grand total of FOUR. HOURS. That’s like an hour and twenty minutes per finalist. How many times can we hear Marcus say, “I used to be a hairdresser, and now I’m a singer a bit.” over and over in varying incorporations? Obviously, once you chop out all the adverts that’s only about twelve minutes or so though, obviously. No bigz. So then. We love adverts. They really really make us want to buy produce via an amusing or creative short film piece. Our favourite advert of course is the one where the little boy can’t wait to give his parents a Christmas present, and how it really really made us want to buy padlocks for our doors. Oh alright, “The X Factor” then. Here’s loads of wank about it, in two sections.
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Yes, Caroline Flack has now officially confirmed that she’s fumbled around in Harry Styles’ boxer shorts and tugged on his manhandling apparatus.
The cries of hundreds of jilted One Direction fans was almost instantly drowned out by the rest of the UK finally adding up the age gap and saying, “Oh, hang on. That’s a bit fucked up.”
The Xtra Factor host, who was previously alleged to have been dogging with Olly Murs, decided to break the news of her fling with the floppy-haired heart-throb on national treasure Daybreak, all while fighting off the grabbing, pork-pie fingers of Adrian Chiles (although apparently he’s not on it anymore, we’re just lazy).
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Pop scamp Olly Murs has insisted that there’s nothing going on between him and his Xtra Factor co-host Caroline Flack despite there OBVIOUSLY BEING SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN HIM AND HIS XTRA FACTOR CO-HOST CAROLINE FLACK.
The Ex-Factor (hur hur) runner up has flatly stated that his flirty relationship with Ms. Flack is just that. Flirty and there is absolutely nothing going on that in any way involved nights of screaming passion where young Olly needs to “hold onto his stupid-looking trilby hat”.
Absolutely nothing.
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Alright guys. First thing’s first. Here’s a paragraph about maths, and the fun that maths brings.
It’s Week 14 of The X Factor now, and basically that’s quite an astonishing amount of wasted time. But the big BIG question is: Just how much astonishing amount of wasted time? WELL FRIENDS, by the hands of Pythagorean law, we can deduce 14 hour 75 minute long shows, except for all the ones that were 2 and half hours instead, (deservedly so, obv) not to mention the definitely necessary results shows too, which are around an hour a piece. We roughly round that up to around 34948 BILLION hours of the X Factor.
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Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.
Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn’t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.
But, that’s the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn’t know. As if you didn’t Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We’ll sort you out. Come here. It’ll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.
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Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now. Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don’t worry we’re not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.
To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you’d only get a little bit of motion sickness.
Yes, there is a massive ‘but’ here… although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers. Instead we’re celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.
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