Sorry everyone. You had your chance. Halle Berry was single, and that’s when you should have made your move.

It wouldn’t have been successful. She’s Halle Berry for crying out loud – if she hadn’t laughed directly in your face for having the brazen temerity to even think that you had a shot at her, then her merciless hoots of derision as she took her first glance at your gnarled, withered excuse for a semi-erect penis would have destroyed your chances for sure. She’s Halle Berry. You’re just some bloke. Gain some perspective, for God’s sake. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Anyway. The point is that even if Halle Berry wasn’t so far out of your league that you barely even count as the same species, it’s too late. Apparently she’s going out with Olivier Martinez now. So, you know, please continue to be pointless and lonely.

All anyone wants is for Halle Berry to be happy. Actually, that’s not strictly true – all anyone really wants is for Halle Berry to make a film that isn’t so utterly hopeless from beginning to end that they invariably start hacking away at their flesh with the nearest piece of jagged metal they can find just to make the whole experience less painful – but the happiness thing probably comes in as a close second in the desire stakes, alongside wanting her to take her clothes off more.

And, finally, it looks like Halle Berry has achieved the happiness that we’ve all been wishing for. Yes, admittedly you may have thought that she’d achieved happiness when she married that guy, or when she married that other guy, or when she had that baby with another guy who didn’t have anything to do with either of the two previous guys, but you’d be wrong. Because those things only made Halle Berry unhappy.

But now there have been reports that Halle Berry has enjoyed the occasional furtive snog with Olivier Martinez, the co-star of her new film, we’re definitely ready once and for all to say forever that Halle Berry has discovered lifelong happiness that will never ever go away ever again ever. The New York Daily News reports:

The new lovebirds were reportedly spotted kissing and cozying up to each other as they explored Martinez’s hometown of Paris. “It was the classic ‘I’m going to kiss you here in a dark corner’ move,” a spy said of the couple. “And she was waiting to be kissed.” Before heading back to the actor’s home, the pair reportedly stopped along a narrow street to engage in a two-minute long smoochfest in a doorway.

So let’s all just be happy for Halle Berry, OK? Let’s all be happy that one incredibly good-looking millionaire had an encounter with another incredibly good-looking millionaire that’s several times more romantic than anything any of us normal people will ever experience in our entire meaningless lives. OK? That doesn’t make us want to crawl into a corner and weep at all.

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In the history of the world, there's never been a more magical couple than Kylie Minogue and that French bloke, whatever his name is.

But sadly Kylie Minogue and Oliver Martinez – that's his name – split up last year, instantly killing our hopes that they'd eventually have a half-French midget baby with unexplainably tight facial skin.

However, now it looks like Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez are back together, and the baby plans are back on. And not a moment too soon – we want to see if Kylie Minogue's range of one and a half facial expressions is genetic.

Kylie Minogue has had a rubbish couple of years. Not because she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go through a long, painful period of treatment – or because her comeback tour was ravaged by overwork and illness – but because, for a short period of time last autumn, it looked as if Dannii might become the most famous Minogue sister. Imagine a world where Dannii Minogue is more famous than Kylie. Horrible, isn't it. Horrible and wrong.

But now Kylie Minogue is over the worst of it and everything's plain sailing again. Her appearance on Doctor Who didn't completely ruin everyone's Christmas, she's got a new single coming out that couldn't sound any more like a jittery karaoke version of Holiday by Madonna if it tried and, what's more, Kylie Minogue is in love again, to that bloke she was in love with last time.

Apparently Kylie Minogue is back together with Olivier Martinez – the man who she dumped after it looked like he might have slept with Penelope Cruz. Hello reports:

Aussie songstress Kylie Minogue is reportedly "overwhelmed with happiness" after rekindling her romance with former flame Olivier Martinez. "Kylie has taken him back – with a new set of rules," reveals a friend of the 39-year-old. The couple, who went their separate ways last February after a four-year romance, have reportedly drawn up a long-term plan involving marriage and children. "Ollie has agreed to try for a baby. That was always the stumbling block in their relationship," explains the pal. "They have both been single for a year and Kylie has realised she has never had anyone that has matched up to him…" 

It'll be interesting to see how Kylie Minogue's fans react to this development, since it wasn't so long ago that they all wanted him dead. But at least they'll be pleased that Kylie has maximised on Olivier's pitiful pleading and managed to guilt him into marrying her and fathering her child. After all, everyone knows that the best way to keep a man is to make a fixed set of rules for him to abide by and then force him to make you pregnant. That way he'll never have it off with pretty Spanish actresses again.

But what does Kylie Minogue think about all of this? It's one thing to have your feelings described by a glossy celebrity-friendly magazine, but quite another to actually express them in person. Luckily Kylie Minogue has KylieKonnect, her MySpace-style social networking site to keep her closer to her fans than ever before. So what does Kylie Minogue have to say about her reunion with Olivier Martinez on KylieKonnect?

Kylie graces the cover of this month's 'Woman and Home' magazine to
promote her range of bedlinen that is coming out in late February!

Oh.

Read more:

Kylie 'overwhelmed with happiness' after reunion with former beau Olivier – Hello