Mila Kunis clearly doesn’t think much of herself. Her self esteem is so obviously low that even we, the troglodytes of the ‘spray hovel, can feel completely superior to her. That said, she did spend a bit of time between Natalie Portman’s legs in Black Swan, whereas we have to make do with photocopies of her face with a hole poked in the mouth.

That said, Kunis used to willingly have sex with Macaulay Culkin and even we’re not that depressed and lonely.

Where we sync up is accepting sexual advances from weirdos on the internet. Jaded writers relying on the kindness of strangers is no big news, but a successful actress with a nice face? Yep. It’s true. Mila has agreed to go on a date with a US Marine sergeant who asked her out for a date on YouTube.

The actress was shown the clip where Sgt Scott Moore asked her to be his date for the Marine Corps Ball in November (if you care about such things, he’s paid to kill people with the 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines in Afghanistan) and our army chum introduces himself as Sergeant Moore but says she can call him Scotty.

And then he probably thought about making a joke about ‘standing to attention’, but wisely sidestepped it.

So what wooed the cripplingly lonely Kunis? Well, the video showed Scotty being too hotty with his buzzcut head walking through a heavily-fortified compound in full combat gear. He said, with a look of ‘don’t ever ask me how many people I’ve had to destroy’:

“I just want to take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on 18 November in Greenville, North Carolina, with yours truly”

“So take a second, think about it and get back to me.”

Mila Kunis decided that she was going to make it happen. This will, of course, end up in a crudely made drunken sex-tape with Scotty ‘spud-deep’ in the Hollywood starlet while his colleagues egg him on, whooping and drinking weak beer from red cups.

Can’t wait to see it.

*vomits in hand*

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Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, and then promptly stopped making records because there’s more money in the movies. Seeing as we don’t have a proper male pop-superstar, we can blame JT for Justin bloody Bieber.

And Mila Kunis is the woman who indulged in some lavendering with Natalie Portman in Black Swan, which will keep most of you in mucky thoughts for a lifetime.

Both of these attractive humans appear in a film called Friends With Benefits and for the most part, they’re both naked in it. Two attractive people with no clothes on. What a nice image to have in your head, which will slowly erode your sense of worth because you begin to feel more ugly with each vinegar stroke.

They don’t care about you though. This pair are too busy having great chemistry and looking pretty. And as they sat down for an interview, the both went at it like old pros, eased by the fact they’ve both seen each other completely in the nip.

SO DOES THIS MEAN THEY’LL BE HAVING SEX IN REAL LIFE? Justin thinks not:

“It is such a good idea—until it’s a bad idea”

Mila agreed:

“I concur. Ultimately, it ends when someone wants to go and get serious with somebody. More times than not, a person catches feelings and somebody gets hurt.”

She wasn’t done there. She wanted to bring in cod-science to the table:

“[When] a female orgasms, a hormone gets released. I’ve never met a girl who can have sex without an ounce of feeling.”

She then chirruped to ol’ Timberloin

“You’ve got a fine ass!”

Justin wasn’t so sure:

“I’m still trying to get into the editing room and cut down on my ass time. I’m like, ‘Oh my God, my mom’s gonna see that!’”

Nothing that Mother Timberlake hasn’t seen before though, right Justin?

“I was caught (having sex) one time. My mum wasn’t cool about it. I was too young to be in bed with a girl, so she was upset.”

And now all our female readers are thinking about having sex with Justin Timberlake while all our male readers are frustrated that they’ll never be as handsome, leading them to feel worthless and unfanciable to their girlfriends.

How depressing.

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Hey ladies and homosexual men! How many times have you imagined having some kind of sexual activity with Justin Timberlake? Sadly for you, he’s never even considered you as a conquest because you’re as ugly as a barrel of rubber Brian Sewell masks. Sorry.

No, our Justin is linked with the world’s most beautiful women, all of whom are lucky enough to be in with a shout of seeing exactly what makes up Justin’s ‘triple threat’ (stuff to do with kissing boobs, bits and bum no doubt, the mucky bugger).

However, one person who isn’t flashing her under carriage at JT is Olivia Wilde who you’ll know as being that woman from Tron or something.

There’s been rumours that Timberlake, who still stubbornly refuses to do the right thing and make an album for us to all enjoy because he’s being a stinking thesp, was seen doing rude things with Wilde in a nightclub in LA.

However, Wilde is keen to bat all these rumours away, as ever, via Twitter:

“Cool it, honeybadgers. We are just friends and have been for years.”

Sorry. We’re thinking about vermin covered in bee excrement now. How disgusting. It’s probably some kind of bizarre Hollywood sex practise.

Anyway, some source wants to chip in as well and, because there’s not much to this story, we’re willing to let them talk to pad the article out.

They say:

“They’ve been friends since they worked together on Alpha Dog. Nothing’s going on. They’re just friends.”

Justin of course, has just split-up with Jessica Biel, so he’s probably being dragged around by his glans like its dowsing for water. And obviously, it is pulling him in the direction of Olivia Wilde. Or Mila Kunis. Or both at the same time on the world’s best booty call.

TWAT.

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Are you a fan of the TV show House? Is it because you’re also a fan of watching the exact same thing happen week after week?

Or is it because of Olivia Wilde? It can’t be because of Olivia Wilde, because nobody actually knows who Olivia Wilde is. Unless you’re a reader of Maxim, that is, because it’s just named Olivia Wilde as the woman who most horny adolescent boys imagine while they thrash away at their exhausted red-raw todgers with their clammy little hands the second that their parents leave the house.

Or the world’s hottest woman. Either/or.

So, OK, we don’t know who Olivia Wilde is. That’s perfectly acceptable on the basis that her TV show House is the sort of TV show that only your grandmother could ever really get excited about and we’ve yet to see her film Alpha Dogs because it’s, well, Alpha Dogs.

But now we know. Know we know exactly who Olivia Wilde is. She’s the new Eva Longoria. It makes perfect sense – a few years ago Eva Longoria was all but guaranteed to be named as Maxim’s hottest woman before she got married and people forgot that Desperate Housewives even existed. And now it’s Olivia Wilde’s turn – according to the connoisseurs at Maxim magazine, she’s currently hotter than anyone else on Earth.

And that’s hot as in sexy, too – not an assumption that Olivia Wilde has recently been struck down with typhoid. Her hotness has absolutely nothing to do with an accidental ingestion of contaminated sewerage, we just want to make that perfectly clear. MSNBC reports:

Maxim Editor-in-Chief Joe Levy says that he has loved Wilde since her role as bad girl Alex on “The OC”. “Olivia Wilde has been the sexiest woman on television since she heated up ‘The OC’ five years ago. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, and she has dual citizenship in the U.S. and Ireland — what more can a man ask for?” Levy asked.

That’s true, actually. We only go out with girls who have duel citizenship in the US and Ireland, too. There’s just something about that combination of clinically obese and constantly drunk that just does it for us.

But if Olivia Wilde is number one in the Maxim Hot 100 list, then who are the other 99? The full list is here, and it includes just about everybody you’d expect it to with approximately no surprises anywhere. We especially like the way that the slideshow clicks through automatically so readers don’t have to stop masturbating to click their mouse. Horny teenagers are useless at multi-tasking, you know.

Still, though, we’d like to congratulate Olivia Wilde, and we look forward to her ongoing transformation into Eva Longoria with glee – particularly the bit where she starts banging on and on and on about herself for no real reason even though she has to be aware that there isn’t a single person on Earth who cares about her even a tenth as much as she does. That bit will be fun.

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