If Mel Gibson has proved anything, it’s that you’re never more famous than when you’re being racially insensitive.

And don’t think that Oliver Stone hasn’t noticed. He’s been watching Mel’s rising profile with jealous eyes, waiting for an opportunity to leap in and blurt out a regrettable statement of his own. But which group could Oliver Stone target? Gibson’s already claimed blacks and Mexicans, so not them. And not Islamic fundamentalists either. He’s not mental, after all. So who does that leave? Scandinavians? Confucianists? Jews?

Ah, yes. Jews. Perfect. So, to cut a long story short, Oliver Stone has decided to use an interview to say that Jewish people didn’t really do that badly in World War II compared to the Russians. Aaaaand commence moral outrage.

Honestly, what a gigantic let-down Oliver Stone is. When we heard that he’d been accused of anti-Semitism following some comments made to a newspaper, we had hoped that we’d be in for something along the lines of Mel Gibson’s famous rant. You know, something vague and drunk and peppered with threats of physical violence and bookended with a charming Sugartit or two.

But oh no, Oliver Stone had to make his comments sober, didn’t he? And to a journalist instead of a police officer. And ground them in historical research. And without even a single trace of Sugartit. Oliver Stone, you will never know how heartbroken we are.

Anyway, here’s what Oliver Stone actually said, according to the New York Times:

“Hitler was a Frankenstein, but there was also a Dr. Frankenstein,” he said. “German industrialists, the Americans and the British. He had a lot of support. Hitler did far more damage to the Russians than the Jewish people.” Mr. Stone then proceeded to discuss what he called “the Jewish domination of the media,” adding with an expletive that Israel had messed up “United States foreign policy for years.”

Needless to say, in the wake of this, the American Jewish Association declared Oliver Stone to be an anti-Semite. Which sounds bad, but he’s been called worse. By us. About halfway through Alexander. When we lost all feeling in our legs and realised that there were still two more hours to go. We didn’t tell it to his face – we actually screamed it into our fists – but he probably got the message. Incidentally, Stone has now apologised for the comments, saying:

“In trying to make a broader historical point about the range of atrocities the Germans committed against many people, I made a clumsy association about the Holocaust, for which I am sorry and I regret.”

Still, since this post contains the phrases ‘Oliver Stone’, ‘Hitler’ and ‘Israel’, we look forward to the inevitable flood of paranoid, confused-seeming comments from people who’ve set up a series of Google alerts purely to make themselves furious. Do your worst, you adorable lunatics.

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Who’s looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It’s going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf’s in it.

Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 – which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – has hit the internet. Yes, you’re right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are.

Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you’d better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we’re also going to analyse the arse off it. For you…

Right, before we hit you with the Wall Street 2 trailer, let’s just discuss the title. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Presumably it got the name because Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING MONEY wouldn’t fit on the posters. Honestly, we’re starting to think that Oliver Stone just wrote down the first thing he thought of. Look, these are all better names for Wall Street 2…

Wall Street: Money Never Skydives

Wall Street: Money Never Farts

Wall Street: Money Never Wears A Nice Hat

Wall Street: Money Sometimes Jangles

Wall Street: Money Doesn’t Usually Stare At You Until You Run Away And Shut Yourself In A Cupboard Clutching With A Breadknife For Protection But It Probably Would If You Let It, The Bastard.

Anyway, now that’s out of the way, let’s have a look at the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer…

But wait! That probably rushed by a little too fast for you, and you were probably distracted by the genuinely horrendous soundtrack. So let’s go through the Wall Street 2 trailer scene by scene and work out what the film will actually be about. Ready?

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 1

First, let’s introduce ourselves to Wall Street 2‘s new character. It’s Shia LaBeouf. Look, Shia LaBeouf is riding a motorbike. Just like Dr Fox does. And Dr Fox is a smug wanker. That means Shia LaBeouf must be a smug wanker, too.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 2

Oh God, now Shia LaBeouf is triumphantly pumping his fists at something. You know who else probably triumphantly pumps his fist at something? Dr Fox. Ugh, what an obscene little turd this Shia LaBeouf character must be.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 3

In this scene, Shia LaBeouf is studying numbers. This means that he’s either a) a genius, b) autistic or c) an irritating bastard. Oh, what the hell – let’s say he’s all three.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 4

Aha, who is this mysterious fellow being given back his possessions after a lengthy jail sentence? Let’s try and guess. He’s being given a gold watch…

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 5

…And a gold money clip. Hey, we think we know who this might be.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 6

And a comically large mobile phone, too. Yes! It’s definitely him! It has to be! It’s…

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 7

…Oh Jesus Christ, what’s happened to his face? It’s gone all weird and saggy and crap! Our eyes! OUR EYES!

You’re welcome, readers.

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Look, it’s a quiet day. The nearest thing to news that’s happened recently is some Venezuelan bloke going to see a film.

So let’s try to pad that out into a story. Of course, it helps that the Venezuelan bloke was Hugo Chavez. And the film he went to see was a movie about himself. And it was directed by Oliver Stone. And he went to see it a red carpet premiere at the Venice Film Festival. And his presence alone gave everyone who’s ever worked for Fox News a debilitating aneurism.

But let’s pad that out into a story.

Some have said that, thanks to his movies like JFK and Nixon and W, that Oliver Stone is a political director. This is nonsense, of course. Oliver Stone just likes good stories, whether they’re boggle-eyed political conspiracy theories or, in the case of Alexander, three-and-a-half-hour-long entries in the imaginary Longest, Dullest, Least Essential Movies That You’ll Eventually Blame For Stealing An Unnecessarily Large Percentage Of Your Life When You’re On Your Deathbed competition.

But at the moment Oliver Stone is back in political mode, as demonstrated by his new documentary South Of The Border. South Of The Border is, it’s reported, a rebuttal of the general American viewpoint that South America is led by a gang of crackpot cartoon dictators. Or something. It doesn’t really matter what South Of The Border is about, for two reasons. First, you’ve already seen the words ‘Oliver Stone’, ‘political documentary’ and ‘Venezuela’ and have come to a deeply entrenched decision about whether you’re going to like it or not.

And second, it doesn’t matter what South Of The Border is about, because Oliver Stone managed to get Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez – who much of the movie is centred around – to attend the film’s premiere at the Venice Film Festival and generally lark about on the red carpet like a kitten in a meadow with predictably hilarious consequences, which included this write-up by Fox News. It’s much better if you read the next paragraph aloud while making a noise like you’re trying to stop yourself vomit, by the way:

Hundreds of admirers, some chanting “president, president,” gathered outside of the for the leader’s arrival. A few held up Venezuelan flags and a banner in Spanish that read “Welcome, president.” Chavez threw a flower into the crowd and touched his heart, and at one point took a photographer’s camera to snap a picture himself.

Still, whether you plan to see South Of The Border or not, you have to admit that it’s got a fairly genius marketing strategy. Getting Oliver Stone (who conservatives hate) to fanny around gleefully on a red carpet with Hugo Chavez (who conservatives hate) at a film festival on mainland Europe (which conservatives hate) probably won’t be bettered any time soon. Unless of course Michael Moore decides to promote his new movie up the Eiffel Tower alongside Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf and an industrial-sized keg of Sauerkraut.

Which he’s actually doing, we heard.

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This week’s enjoyment and annoyance.

Folded:

• Online teaser for Oliver Stone’s George Bush biopic W (mock the man)
• The Bowen Identity (even piss poor Photoshop skills can make you funny)
• Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (seen it, and it’s pretty good)
• David McCallum (if you’ve played GTA IV and heard the track The Edge, you’ll know why Dre immortalised it and why McCallum is such a fusion legend. Yes, he also done some acting too)
• WALL-E (look at his little face, how could you not love Wall-E?)

Creased:

• Topman gift cards (they might look all black and trendy, but you can’t see how much you have left to spend! Bring back paper vouchers)
• Sasha: Beauty Queen at Eleven (this girl’s mum should be chopped up and fed to hungry pitbulls. The dad too for letting this spectacle happen right under his nose)
• The hard-to-penetrate world of Metal Gear Solid 4 (don’t misunderstand us, this is a great game: great graphics, sound, presentation – it’s just completely incomprehensible unless you know the Metal Gear mythology inside out)
• More fake tan woes (Jesus, girls, take it off! You smell like Digestives in this heat)
• Playing GRID online (and the barrage of insults from French people that comes with it)

Oliver Stone sure does love making movies about presidents. Well, presidents and ancient Greek kings. And fat singers.

But let's concentrate on the president bit for the time being, because Oliver Stone says that he's got a script written about George Bush, and he's itching to get it turned into a movie before Bush stops being president.

Stone's film is thought to hinge on some of the most difficult decisions George Bush ever had to make, primarily the seminal three-day deliberation on whether pretzels go down your food hole or your air hole. History has already taught us his findings on that matter.

If you're a president of America, there are certain things that you can look forward to. All-consuming power, for one, plus a school will probably end up naming a library after you when you're almost dead or something. But best of all, Oliver Stone will probably end up making a film about your life.

So far, John F Kennedy and Richard Nixon have both got the Oliver Stone treatment, with eagerly-anticipated William H. Harrison and Calvin Coolidge biopics on their way as soon as Oliver Stone has run out of any better ideas. And since Oliver Stone's 'better ideas' include both Alexander and World Trade Center, you probably shouldn't hold your breath.

And another one of Oliver Stone's brilliant ideas is to make a film about President George W Bush. And make it now, damnit! Speaking to Daily Variety, Oliver Stone laid out his plans for the George Bush movie:

Stone, an outspoken critic of the Bush administration's invasion of Iraq, told the trade publication he's not looking to make an anti-Bush polemic. He said he wants "a fair, true portrait of the man. How did Bush go from being an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?" … Stone told Daily Variety that "Bush" is "a behind-the-scenes approach, similar to 'Nixon,' to give a sense of what it's like to be in his skin." It will "contain surprises for Bush supporters and his detractors," he said.

Now, as good an idea as it might seem to make a movie about an outgoing president – especially one as spectacularly unpopular as George Bush – it's worth remembering that both JFK and Nixon were made decades after the events they depicted, allowing Oliver Stone some perspective on the people the movies focused on. But Oliver Stone wants Bush to be released when George Bush is still president and all pushed up in everyone's face like a safari park monkey that won't let go of your windscreen even though you've got the wipers turned on full blast. 

The point being that without a bit of room between Bush's presidency and the movie's release, Bush might end up as a bad daytime TV biopic or, worse, a Michael Moore film with actors instead of an annoyingly patronising fat bloke shouting at a building.

Still, we'll get to see what Bush is like just as soon as Oliver Stone gets the finance to put it together. And if it's a tenth as good as Alexander… well, if it's a tenth as good as Alexander it'd probably kill everyone who watches it stone dead. Seriously, have you seen Alexander?

Read more: 

Oliver Stone Looks to Direct 'Bush' - AP