There’s nothing better than a nice antique leather chair to help you relax after a long day at work.

Well, this theory may be put to the test with the announcement that Nancy Dell’Olio is to pose naked in an upcoming edition of everybody’s favourite spunk-rag, Playboy.

The Strictly Come Dancing star is apparently really eager to show everyone just what Iggy Pop’s chuff would look like if he were a woman.

A source close to Dell’Olio says that, “She’s willing to show top and bottom in a tasteful way.” Which is kind of horrifying when you think about it, unless you’re into that sort of thing. We’re looking at you Wayne Rooney. Don’t pretend you haven’t wanted this ever since Sven introduced you to his 156-year old wife for the first time.

The deal is worth a reported £250,000 and hinges upon whether Hef can come up with a suitably ‘exotic’ location in which to reveal what once lurked under Nancy’s leotard.

So, when your next jazz mag drops through the door in that discrete brown envelope, just be aware that when you open it up you may find the lovely Nancy Dell’Olio, spread-eagle on a beach somewhere, sipping on champagne and winking at you despite her eyes being covered by some obscenely large sunglasses.

For those of you that can’t quite picture that, here’s a top hecklerspray tip, shave your scrotum, liberally apply some fake tan (and when we say liberally, we’re talking at least 2 bottles), then shove a mirror between your legs and stare at it until you’ve stopped throwing up.

Thanks Nancy, you’ve managed to ruin both leather chairs and our own scrotums for us in just under 300 words.

Chocolate! It’s a wonderful invention. Not only did it get thousands of American soldiers laid during the second world war, it’s also a tasty treat that you can give your kids. Your kids who will die of a fatty liver by the time they’re 25. Not only that, it’s an indulgent treat for you to force down your gullet at every available second while telling yourself that it’s just a little slip-up.

It might not surprise you to learn that there are loads of ways to advertise chocolate because it’s such a universally beloved product. The big question is that of the target market. If there isn’t an established target market for product then we end up with mad-eyed children, planting ideas about milk chocolate in your head through a hypnotic eyebrow dance.

That kind of confusion might spark ‘water-cooler’ conversation but it doesn’t make anyone want to eat a bar of Dairy Milk, no matter what anyone claims.

That hardly matters though. Especially when there’s women around to advertise to. Remember how we tell you, almost every week, that advertising companies think that everyone fits into two or three snug categories that they can tailor their advertising to?

Yes? Good.

Well, aside from playing up the notion that women love chocolate and that some are cold-blooded thieves, it seems that advertisers have now resorted to editing old adverts as the recession bites the advertising budget of the big companies and forces them into revisiting successful adverts from the past.

This isn’t the version of the advert with the edit, unfortunately. It’s probably seen as being so trivial by the pedants of youtube that no-one has even bothered to upload a version, clumsily shot on a camera phone. This means that our creative faculties will be put to the test as we try to point out the subtle change.

IT’S THE CHOCOLATE! The next time the ad comes on television, remember this moment. Keep in mind everything we’re about to tell you:

THE CHOCOLATE BAR IS CGI! LOOK AT IT! IT’S NOT REAL CHOCOLATE! IT’S FAKE!

Right, we’re off to accuse Editor Mof of eating our bar of Galaxy. Unfortunately, we’re not smart enough to keep one hidden away so we’ll just beat him to death and consume him instead. Cannibalism is much better than badly edited chocolate.

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It’s not easy to be nasty professionally. For a start, people automatically assume that you have no heart and that if you do, it’s a blackened, flaking husk that makes people unable to spend time in the same room as you. Admittedly for the most part, that’s true. Sometimes, you also have to poke fun at something that you wouldn’t usually consider an acceptable target.

However, here at hecklerspray we don’t “hate on” people unnecessarily (unless they’re a celebrity) and, to that end, we don’t want our readers to think that this article is going out of its way to disrespect its elders. hecklerspray writers are regularly in contact with the elder members of our community and, once we’ve stolen their wallets and purses, we sometimes give them their bus passes back.

Not always though. We wouldn’t want people to think we’re soft.

Older people in themselves aren’t the problem here and we wouldn’t be so lazy as to spend hundreds of words having sly digs at pensioners for not being able to use a computer as we’re blatantly aware that most of them are better at it than us. Our very own Lauren Mullineaux performs most of her computer-based tasks by hacking wildly at the mouse until something happens and even our editor Mof Gimmers spends a good portion of his day smashing his face off his keyboard in a desperate effort to make words appear on the site.

Of course, the elderly are pretty great. They lived in the eras that your nostalgic love of vintage clothing is rooted. They’ve seen things than we can only imagine by looking them up on Youtube and sometimes they need a bit of help. It’s not our responsibility to outline the problems facing British pensioners, we write funny articles and to outline actual tales of strife or poverty on it would be irresponsible and ill-advised. We don’t seek to poke fun at the impoverished or ill in this world.

Okay?

Good. What we do seek to do however is sigh indignantly at this awful pile of utter claptrap from Age UK’s advertising people which seems to be entitled ‘Thank You’.

Of course it shouldn’t be called thank you, should it? It should be titled “Who The Hell Do You Think You Are Getting Us To Do This Degrading Crap?”. The people in this advert seem as though they’ve gone off their own backs to make a lovely message to all the people who have donated to the campaign but- as with most adverts- it’s composed almost entirely of odious stereotypes and ‘bawdy’ humour.

It’s designed with the sole intention of making you think “Aw, look at those ol’ cards out there having a good time.” Incorrect and you know it. The first time you saw the advert you stared in dumbfounded silence at these old men and women allowing their good nature to be sent up.

Admittedly, it’s quite nice to see a light-hearted advert for a charity. There are so many awful things happening in the world right now that it’s a brave step not to show a 40 second black and white advert of a frail old lady hunched and dying alone in front of The Wright Stuff. However, there are better ways to do it than playing up to clichés and making these poor old bastards look like idiots on national television.

Stereotypes?! We hear you cry. Well, yes. Here’s a Top of the Pops-style list in chronological order.

• “Yer granny cannie sing.” – It’s a well-established fact among advertisers that old ladies can’t sing or, if they can, they’re usurped by a gravel-faced crone before they can belt out a note.
• “Some old ladies are a bit saucy.” – Yes, you’ve seen Calendar Girls and you probably got a little bit excited. Believe it or not, old people have sexual urges just like you and advertisers love playing up to it. It’s only a matter of time until a sexual element is introduced to Werthers’ Or- [LAZY PAEDOPHILIA JOKE REMOVED IN SELF-EDITING].
• “An arhythmic black gentleman” – Well… no, that’s actually not a stereotype at all. It is quite unusual to see a black person portrayed in advertising as something other than gyrating like James Brown with haemorrhoids. Although he is dressed as a janitor. We’re not saying that was deliberate.
• “Belly dancing!” – You’re retired and there’s nothing better to do than go to classes in a traditional Middle Eastern dance, is there? Well, that’s what ‘creatives’ think.
• “Go to Egypt!” - Oh. Well. That’s actually a bit culturally insensitive, isn’t it? But that’s okay though because in advertising, elderly people are culturally insensitive! So “walking like an Egyptian” while wearing a Fez and carrying a giant representation of the power symbol of an ancient and noble culture is totally fine. Old people, eh? Insensitive bastards.
• “Hula girls!” - Actually, no. This is getting a bit weird now. Apart from the dancing going on in the background and the shop-mobility dodgems, everything’s getting a bit odd. There’s a grinning man in his seventies juggling on a unicycle. Is that a thing?

Of course, it loses it there and everything goes off into tangental weirdness because the people who have been hired to produce the advert seem to have precious little knowledge of pensioners. We’re not suggesting for a minute that pensioners aren’t ‘wacky’ but the entire minute long film has a sneering air of being penned on a whiteboard by a preening public school turd called Tarquin who has only ever seen one pensioner and they were in a box at a Wake.

The same goes for Wonga’s new advert which sneers at pensioners by portraying them all as ‘street’ talking puppets. Still, at least it’s better than some of their previous offerings. Unlike the money-grabbing loansmen, at least Age UK is a cause worthy of people’s attention even if they’ve chosen to market themselves in a really stupid way.

There are so many calls to move away from the traditional standards of advertising, especially when you’re focussing on one group of people. Nothing ever changes in the advertising world, as we hope reading Badvertising will prove. Things that are seen as fresh and imaginative usually aren’t. You’ll have seen the same clichés and bastardisations of themes trotted out time and time again. People think that their ‘markets’ are too stupid to realise.

You’re not.

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It’s official: our gracious, noble Queen Liz junior, has rewritten the record books again by becoming the longest living British monarch in history.

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

Queen Victoria was born on May 24th 1819 and died on January 22 1901, and only lived for 81 years, seven months and 29 days. But today Liz has pissed all over that record and made it look like the life of a daddy longlegs in comparison to her own legacy – a mammoth 81 years, seven months, 29 days and five minutes!

Along with her 60th wedding anniversary with Prince Phillip, it’s the second time this month that the Queen has been banging on the doors of the Guinness world record fellows. However, she still has some way to go before she beats Victoria as the longest-reigning British monarch. That accolade would be achieved should Liz 2 still be throning it up on September 9 2015.

If her mother was anything to go by, that record’ll be as easy to achieve as wiping a harlot of a daughter-in-law off the face of the planet with one click of her fingers (something that Queen Liz has never attempted, to her great credit).

During Queen Victoria’s life, she managed to survive the traumas of no less than three assassination attempts – the first an attempt by 18-year-old Edward Oxford, who fired two shots whilst the then Queen was riding in a carriage with Prince Albert in London. Both missed the target (though rumour has it one pierced Albert's bell-end) and, remarkably, he was acquitted of High Treason on the grounds of insanity. 

And it’s been a tough four score and one and a bit for Liz as well; she’s had to read one whole speech each year, she has – on more than one occasion – had to ask one of her servants to wipe Corgi shit of her Persian rug and the pain she must have felt when she first saw Charles’ face as it strained out her stretched royal vagina… well, we’ll never know.

So well done to you, Lizzy, on behalf of all at hecklerspray. God has certainly been listening each time we belt out our National Anthem before our work here starts each morning.

Here’s to another 81 years!

Read more:

Queen takes Victoria longevity mark – Press Association 

Since Naomi Campbell became legal back on 22nd May 1986, she has opened her legs at pelvis-breaking speed to welcome any new black icon that has emerged onto the scene – Mike Tyson, Usher, Damon Dash, P Diddy and that bloke from U2 are among a legion of others who were all more that happy to acquiesce to her chuff-based request.

But modern day hero Lewis Hamilton, the prodigal driving boy with the kindest face in the world, has shown his maturity again by refusing to park up inside Naomi's cordial car park.

The 22-year-old F1 star, who has been seen with the 37-year-old supermodel on several occasions in recent months, insists the age gap is too big for them to have a relationship.

According to Lewis Hamilton:

"There is most certainly nothing going on between me and Naomi. She is like a big sister. And anyway, she is too old for me. I'm definitely single – still looking for 'Miss Right', I guess. But I am not stressed about it, I have got loads of other things on my mind. I am very flattered by all the attention I get, but it is a bit overwhelming, if I am honest."

Good for you Lewis, but poor old Naomi. She has now reached that old crossroads: take a left to 'Grow old gracefully' Town or a right to 'Madonna City'. 

If she takes a right turn, then she will have to lower her standards as Madonna before her, and get herself a Guy Ritchie equivalent of Lewis Hamilton. We here at hecklerspray would like to suggest Kevin Prince-Boateng, the new Tottenham Hotspur midfielder who made his first Premier League start this weekend. You may not have heard of him yet but he has a lot of promise, Naomi. 

And if all else fails you could wait until David Banda grows up.

Read more:

Hamilton: I'm Not Dating Naomi Campbell – Home Of Sport